All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
CB, Gunnison and Almont among best towns in county
(Gunnison) Crested Butte, Gunnison and Almont were among the top places to live in Gunnison County, a survey by the Reluctant Economist Review has found. The Boulder-based fiscal watchdog ranked 15 locales in terms of personal risk, infrastructure and the availability of goods and services.
The worse places were Pittsburgh, Baldwin and Jack’s Cabin where many aspects of daily life present challenges such as staying warm in winter, dealing with local bears and providing food. Since none of the above have any known infrastructure, they took a beating in the scoring, especially in an embarrassing bathing suit competition.
“These locales are charming but they don’t cut it over the 365-day cycle,” said the RER. “There are no stores, no police and no government and no home owners associations in place to help these people. If a resident gets his car stuck in a snowdrift in November he might have to wait until April to dig it out.”
The port cities of Sapinero, Powderhorn-on-Sage and Pitkin Falls fell in the middle range due to the presence of skeletal services and distance from main population centers.
Icy roads, the presence of deer and elk on the highways and location in remote regions worked against these towns causing them to finish poorly in the survey, according to the review.
The county’s three main population centers scored well partially because, even though they are in the United States in name, they are off the grid and are not considered targets for terror and are virtually unpolluted. In addition to ranking high in the Gunnison County survey, they matched up well with other rural towns across the country despite climate-related issues, high prices and an economy based on tourism, real estate and second-hand stores.
No location manages to present ideal living conditions but these three are close especially if one factors in daily stress, traffic and the outdoor lifestyle. The review fell short of equating the dog population with happiness and the air quality with general life expectancy.
“There is no place better to live than anywhere in Gunnison County in the summer,” said the review, “although technically, that may only last for 60 days.”
“The gods love the obscure and hate the obvious.”
The Upanishads (800-500 BC)
From the desk of the Dublin Magistrate (Continued)
so that the unsuspecting O’Toole had already managed to drown whatever sorrows he possessed and began intruding on the problems of others at the bar.
All seemed to be going fine until the 101-year-old started to waver a bit, smiled faintly and nose-dived to the floor. Other patrons later told the police that they had never seen an old man perfect an inward, twisting dive in with such poise and determination. Then strangers scooped him up and sat him on secure perch away from a steep stairway that threatened to gobble him up just moments before.
The Banker, off-kilter on its own, has banned all American journalists in response to literary plunges and missed deadlines associated with daily specials.
A spokesman for the Banker Lounge (pictured) at 16 Trinity Street, Dublin, told The Horseshoe that the elderly Toole had consumed 13 Clonakilty sausages and a butchers 1/2 pounder from Skibereen and that his he still had food on his face when he came in.
“We should have detected something odd since it is virtually impossible to find these West Cork delights in Dublin City,” said the singing bartender named Gary (no last name given).
He then washed down the preposterous culinary assemblage with three pints of Guinness and a tumbler of John Powers Hibernian whiskey (no ice).
A Rathmines attorney, representing the old man, said the bar was clearly negligent in that his client was grossly over-served and caught up in the web of seditious conversation. In addition he appeared visibly moved by the selections of Aretha Franklin on the jukebox while intent on impressing a lovely waitress on exchange from from the renown Jesus, Mary and Joseph Cantina in Mexico City.
“We must be more watchful over our older drunks,” said the lawyer. “These are national treasures and should be protected for posterity. We will miss them when they’re gone.”
Although no legal action has been filed at this time it is expected that Toole will sue for damages and and the lasting affects of public humiliation. If all proceeds well he hopes to own the pub by summer tourist season.
International blowback, akin the the much publicized Brexit bungle, threatens to unseat longstanding traditions at The Oak, at 81 Dame (at Crane Street) where Toole has taken up residence until matters are sorted out after the bank holiday.
-Fred Zeppelin
Anchor found at bottom of Irwin
(Crested Butte) A well –rusted anchor has been salvaged from the bottom of Lake Irwin this morning according to local police divers. The discovery, which interrupted an illegal immigrant ice fishing competition for three hours, brought throngs of disinterested onlookers from as far away as Paonia.
A nautical smiling face plastered to the anchor’s face provided some comic relief in what was otherwise a solemn, chilling scene.
Although no positive identification has been made, authorities are quite sure the anchor is the infamous Theodore Headly, who had been missing from Denver’s KBOP-TV since late December. Although he hardly survived the incident, his hair was still in place at the time of the recovery.
Headly disappeared moments before 2019 after predicting that the world would end before the late news that evening.
-Syd Fahrdt
Wigs and Ale in Dublin City
This fine pub near St. Steven’s Green in Dublin (Republic of Ireland) offers wigs and blended spirits. It is common knowledge that they rarely get so much as a hair in your pint. (O’Toole World Photo Service Severely Limited)
Black Canyon Name Change Backed by Tourism Council
(Montrose) Proposals to rename the Black Canyon today received support from local tourism groups and environmental organizations who contend that the current name is morbid.
A bill expected to go before the State Senate calls for a year-long study which might, among other things, create a new image for the dark, ominous sounding spot. Any decision would have to be made at the federal level since the current Black Canyon acreage is fenced off under federal administration as a National Park.
Saying that the term black misrepresents the natural beauty of the attraction, Sell Colorado, a West Slope economic development interest, suggests lightening up the name and thus attracting even more tourists to the destination.
“We like White Canyon, or Bright Canyon,” said Irm Peawit, Executive Executive Director for Sell Colorado. “We’ve had petitions suggesting Beaming Canyon, Brilliant Canyon, Clear Canyon and Cheery Canyon. Others favor Luminous Canyon or Radiant Canyon but we’re afraid of using big words with national reading levels falling off and all. Incandescent Canyon received a great deal of support but we don’t know if it will fit on our signs.”
When asked if the name Bright Canyon might be confused with Bright Angel, a famous observation point at Arizona’s Grand Canyon, Peawit frowned.
“We hate anything to do with that other canyon. It gets all the publicity,” she griped, “when our canyon is either deeper, longer or steeper, I can’t remember which one.”
Western Slope legislators have vowed to lobby in favor of the name change in Washington this summer. But, saying that there are several other more pressing matters on the agenda, the lawmakers expect the bill to be introduced some time around January.
“Right now,” according to one Representative who spoke anonymously, “the Washington DC House and Senate have the economy, Iraq, national health care, education, Afghanistan, the War on Terror, water shortages, crime, Social Security, pollution, the ozone, corporate corruption, drug abuse, border control, North Korea, NATO conflicts and gasoline prices with which to contend…and don’t forget gay marriage and the fact that this is an election year.”
A spokesman for Rocks, Trees and Bugs, a grassroots environmental group insists that the Black Canyon is at risk due to overgrazing by summer tourists.
“If we change the name to something more positive we can pick and choose who we let in,” said Muffy Hollandaise of RTB. “The formula is simple enough: We double or triple the admission price and limit access. We could offer weekend packages with breakfast and a guide. We like the name Ambiance Canyon or Quiet Canyon “where the deer and the antelope pay.”
Further sources at the federal level say these groups are missing the point. Committees for Public Safety such as OSHA and the North American Seat Belt Consortium stressed that, due to severe drop offs common to cliffs and drastic topography, skateboards, wheel chairs and bicycles be banned from the park.
“These people have other places open to them,” said an unreliable mouthpiece at OSHA. “Why do they always have to push? The handicapped have more access ramps and parking spaces than any other group in this country. The cyclists have bike paths. The skateboarders have their hangouts. Why do they have to ruin it for the rest of us?”
Still another developer, who owns 2000 acres adjacent to the park on Black Mesa, feels his plan to build a mosquito-proof dome over the entire park is a good idea.
“Despite the short-sighted criticism and the effete finger pointing, our Dome Canyon project could still spout wings and fly,” said Robert Mojave, a former wine maker from California who plans to build 4000 new homes near the canyon by 2021. We stand to make a killing on this project and we don’t intend to let some top-heavy, socialist, low-rent entity like the federal government dictate to us. Today’s semi-outdoor enthusiasts need protection from mosquitoes.”
Mojave went on to say that if the cities of the nation could build new sports stadiums the rural areas deserved domes over precious landmarks so as to promote insect-free, year-round use.
In other news the Colorado Division of Transportation confirmed that access arteries to and from the canyon would have to be dug up and widened to accommodate any increase in traffic there. The agency estimates construction time to be five years. Plans to hire a band to entertain stranded motorists was put on the back burner due to increased campaign demands and continued bad vibes from the local musician’s union.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
