All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

IRS TARGETS ALUMINUM CAN COLLECTORS

(Washington) The Internal Revenue Service is concerned with aluminum cans. Actually it is more concerned with the evasive tendencies of those engaged in the gathering of these treasures, saying that the government has not been cut in on the action.

“These criminals are not paying their fair share on the profits generated in this lucrative exchange,” said Otto B. Broke of the IRS. “We only want what’s coming to us.“

Broke assured us that his agency had already taken steps to insure that this behavior would cease and that these tax dodgers would be brought to justice. He failed to mention the saving graces of recycling and the advantages of positive garbage management in his epistle. 

“Even if we have to post an agent at every dumpster in every town in America, we will nip this conspiracy in the bud,” he insisted.

A new federal tax form, number ABZ-11998, has been issued and persons who fail to comply with the newest regulations will be penalized. Broke said the country is losing over $600 per aluminum can operation per annum and added that there may be as many as 4 million Americans engaged in this dumpster-diving trade.

“We even had a case where one aluminum enthusiast attempted to write off his shabby clothing as a uniform, declared his cardboard shack to be his office and claimed each individual can as a dependent”, laughed Broke. “The whole thing is mind boggling at best! Don’t these people realize that we need the money to keep the country running smoothly?”

 -Kashmir Horseshoe

Administrative SNUFU Leaves Thousands Excommunicated

(Rome) A simple computer glitch has left tens of thousands of Roman Catholics in a bureaucratic purgatory this morning with little hope of sorting things out before the Easter holiday. As of this morning they remain excommunicated, or severed from their church.

Apparently someone high up in the Vatican gave the go ahead to delete over 70,000 of the faithful from what was wrongly designated as a “fallen away” list. The move has caused great confusion and anger leaving many with questions about eternal salvation and access to sacred rituals.

“We can’t explain what happened but we’ll sort it out before Holy Week gets into full swing,” said a Vatican treasury official. “Those affected should not worry. Despite the temporary status as the damned they will be reinstated quickly and painlessly.

Church officials publicly played down the possibility of enacting another Spanish Inquisition while privately expressing concern as to the impact on collections and tithing as many have lost trust in the ancient religious hierarchy.

“If we survived the sex scandals of late we’ll be alright,” said the Archbishop of Styx. “One has to realize how frightened people are of the Great Beyond. We simply need to remind them of the fires that await them if they dare to detour from our teachings. They will forgive us our sins as we forgive theirs,” he smiled.

– Saul Tarsus

IRS Offering Ribs in Lieu of Refunds

(Ogden, UT) The Internal Revenue Service, in an apparent attempt to reduce the national debt, has instituted a flagship program that offers taxpayers baby-back pork ribs instead of refunds.

The ribs, available only to persons who have earned a tax refund, will be sent out just like other correspondence from the Treasury Department, arriving late, and probably cold. Already jokes about pork barrel politics and pigs at the trough are circulating major government fiscal centers.

“The economics of it all dictate that we too must cut back when it comes to refunding moneys to those people (taxpayers) ,” said Shirley Turnip of the IRS.

Persons interested in receiving the fare should fill out one of the Ribs Instead of Refunds forms available right next to Selective Service questionnaires at local post offices. Respondents must clearly state whether they prefer sauce or dry-cooked ribs and also how they like them done.

“We don’t trust most people to prepare the ribs correctly and have issued prevenative orers do avoid charred feelings and burned expectations,” said Turnip. “Once we get the fire going it will be too late for substitutions,” she warned.

Meanwhile the IRS has filed a final decision as to the status of sun worshipers residing in this country saying that since the practice is not recognized as a legitimate religion and therefore these parties must file taxes in accordance with the existing laws.

“Pavement hostesses.”

– Another name for hookers, ala Dublin (Ireland) cop Connor ‘Lugs” Branigan.

Cocktail Hour Service Announced

We will call and remind you that it is cocktail hour – ‘lest one forget…for a nominal monthly fee. Offer good in continental U.S. and in Grand Junction. Just send us your time zone and we’ll do the rest for one time startup charge and $2 a day after that. You loved us when we were Myrtle’s Alpine Ice Drops and you’ll love us now. Sorry not yet available in Utah.

Guns and Moses Cancels Gig in Mañana

(Cambridge-on-Tomichi) The semi-popular foursome, Guns and Moses will not perform as scheduled here due to an unseen roller derby conflict according the manager Biff Bungler.

By way of explanation the apologetic Bungler contended that the band, endorsed by both the National Rifle Association and the local synagogue was overcome with acute schizophrenia as well as a case of the sniffles.

“Prior commitments to the sport of roller derby prevent the boys from crossing the Gunnison River due to a no compete clause in their contract,” clipped Bungler.

Guns and Roses are considered one hit Willies after the marginal success of their single “Praise the Lard and Pass the Malnutrition” which sold well in the provinces but never made headway in the cities.

Replacing Guns and Moses will be Saint Paul’s Assault Rifles, a 111-member chutney marching jam band that features a stunning marmalade fireworks display during one of many snare drum solos.

“That way we don’t have to give anyone their money back,” added Bungler, who some say has squandered proceeds at the Tobacco Revenge Casino on the Mt. Hashmore Preserve.

Bungler had no comment when asked to confirm rumors that Guns and Moses was in jail (en-suite) in Salida for alleged espionage activities and conspiracy to overthrow the gov’ment.

Feds conclude tests on marijuana smoking

(Doolittle Park) The U.S. federal gov’ment, rumored to be located on the east coast of North America, has been struggling to find data linking marijuana to an assortment of health risks. Saying the study seeks to protect the American public from demon weed the analysis appears aimed at propping up the black market and the boys at Big Pharm. Here are some of the latest warnings. Please be careful.

1. Smoking marijuana causes distrust of the government and most sacred institutions.

2. The use of cannabis has been linked to silliness and a feeling that one is surrounded by a world gone mad.

3. Marijuana causes cavities, dandruff, variations in the color scale, lilt and excessive body odor after 2 weeks.

4. Marijuana causes one to eat cookies and stay indoors when temperatures reach twenty below zero.

5. Using pot while traversing unprotected cliffs (or tightropes) while blindfolded is dangerous to one’s health.

6. Smoking marijuana could result in a false sense of well-being and in extreme cases may result in the smoker watching Star Trek and Beverly Hillbillies reruns.

7. Smoking pot may lead to such dangerous behavior as chronic gardening, hiking, lovemaking and/or gourmet cooking.

8. The use of cannabis may cause the embrace of pagan holidays instead of those imposed by the mainstream religious hierarchy.

9. When coupled with dangerous music, marijuana often has been found to cause 88% of test cases to dance.

10 Users often need 6 – 8 hours sleep to function properly in our modern world. Chronically addicted puffers often talk to cat and dogs.

For more turn to Reefer Madness Sequel to Grace Theaters in August.