The Blessing of the Chuckholes

The annual Blessing of the Chuckholes is slated for this week or next depending on the weather. Guest chuckholes include world record holders from our region. Hot dogs, fat soda and balloons for the kiddies!

NRA Convention Carnage Told

(Blandson MO) Members of the National Rifle Association opened fire on each other yesterday during a rally aimed at new membership. Authorities were hesitant to estimate the casualties saying only that they are still counting.

No one knows how a simple argument over the charter of the group mushroomed into violence. Regional differences and the easy access to assault weapons are blamed for the shootings at press time. Members were sitting in very vulnerable circular seating when someone opened up. Response was quick and misdirected leaving the pro-weapons lobby crippled and disoriented.

Ironically enough, stricter background checks might have prevented the tragedy.

– Susie Compost

National Magazine Lauds Butte

Is Vail Only After the Molybdenum?

(New York) Crested Butte received high praise in this month’s popular Vacant Lot Magazine, a four-color collection of fluff and unabashed promotion of a crippled and dwindling American infrastructure. Calling the town one of the last great locations of white space in north America, the 10-member investigative team of writers and photographers marveled at the number of liquor outlets and real escape offices doing business here.

“Combine these amenities with a functioning ski area and you have a winner in Crested Butte,” harped one reporter eyeballing his thesaurus. “From the crawling four-way stop to the high-speed Silver Queen quad-lift this place can’t be beat. Besides,” said the article, “It may be Vail but never Aspen.”

The ski area, but not the town, was been purchased by Vail sometime last fall although details are sketchy. Happy hour and snow making operations, the lifeblood of leisure time winter sports, will remain a top priority with the new owners.

“No one will ever notice the difference,” said a source from the I-70 Corridor. “Just so long as they get plenty of snow and make plenty of ice cubes.”

Whether Vail will follow through on promises and construct state-of-the-art molybdenum lifts was never clear and continues in that capacity as we approach the Ides of March.

Meanwhile local cynics suggest that Vail is in no way interested in a continued presence in the volatile ski industry. They say the mega-corporation is only interested in the massive molybdenum deposits under the current lifts. Moly, as the mineral is often called, is a steel alloy found (ironically enough) in bicycles, tennis racquets, designer tents and many other outdoor experience products that are a major component of the freewheeling lifestyle common to these Rockies.

“Do you really think a lucrative investment portfolio would be sacrificed in these time of climate change?” asked one long-timer on Elk Avenue. “Skiing is just a front for mining,” said a source at Red Lady Bubble, a sparkling wine outlet on Belleview Avenue. “These fat cats don’t give a tinker’s damn about selling life tickets when they can sell molybdenum to the Chinese.”

The team of Starbucks-in-hand scribes had been scheduled to arrive in town back in August to cover summer festivals but was held up for five months due to road construction on Highway 135. Despite the annoying setbacks Crested Butte was easily named as one of the Forty Great Travel Destinations in Gunnison County and The Top 20 Places in the World To Bring Up a Dog.

– Fred Zepellin

“The bay was shrouded in the grays of coming rain, yet the thinness of the cloud threw a silvery light on the sea, and an unusual depth of blue to the mountains of Connemara.”

-from The Aran Islands by John Millington Synge

Crested Butte Extends Liquor Licenses

(Gothic) In an attempt to relieve the tight housing crunch the Town of Crested Butte has issued 24-hour liquor licenses to many wet establishments here. The move is aimed at giving the suddenly homeless a place to spend the night.

“Let’s not confuse the houseless with the homeless,” said Blackie Browne, originator of the controversial plan. “These local poor souls are simply inconvenienced for the time being and will probably find accommodations by spring while the homeless are those other people who are not affected by seasonal considerations.

“We like to call them outdoor enthusiasts.” said Browne

The plan is expected to increase the tax base significantly while keeping folks off the streets on cold nights.

“Some people never knew when to go home before,” said a source at the Talk of the Town pub, “and with the new proposal that decision has been made much easier for them. We support the idea, even though we’ve been forced to put on another shift. It’s really quite astounding to watch a customer scarf down a chili dog at 4 o’clock in the morning.“

 – Mel Toole

For related story please turn to:

Many Aliens Among Aliens at Mexican Border on Soft News.

“Strange as it may seem, it was accepted in West Cork that the paramount objective of any Flying Column, in the circumstances then prevailing, should be, not to fight, but to continue to exist.”

– Guerrilla Days in Ireland by Tom Barry, on the psychology of the rebellion against British rule in 1920.

Young men of Ireland beware:

HEN PARTIES

are conducted & tolerated

in your townlands and parishes

Please stay in the pub

until further clarity

has been established on

these rambunctious activities

& disorderly encounters

occurring after a decent hour.

–  Clonakilty Council on Public Safety

MATH CORNER

If a governing body spends more than 57% of its working hours campaigning and another 22% studying opinion polls and another 19% consorting with lobbyists how much time does that leave the elected official to respond to constituencies…you know like govern?

After stinging defeats in Vietnam and Afghanistan how many more military interventions are in the cards for the 21^st Century? Should the US build more bombs? How many? Should the US stay home and count its own marbles? How many marbles are left?

Bonus Question: If John tells Mary she can’t be President of the United States because she is a woman, Mary might rightly: add, subtract, multiply or divide John right in the old square root?