All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
The Winner’s of Last Night’s Fist Fight/Debate
(Red’s Gravy Heaven at the Mañana Cloverleaf) Come see us on the weekends
1. Remote Control hearing aids are a frightening development and cannot lead to harmony in the household no matter who is at the helm.
2. Betterment From Within – The Redefinition of Light: Lesson Number Six: “Finding One’s Ass in a Windstorm”
3. “Golf and Buried News for 1460 Days.” – Trump and Stripes Magazine
4. Toole Lands Preacher’s License, Won’t Pay Taxes Ever Again
5. The plural of moose is los moose.
SPEAKER TO SPEAK
(Warshington UPS) House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will speak before the combined House of Representatives on Thursday. She is expected to address immigration issues, climate change, Wall Street and the aggressive foreign policies of the white House.
Pelosi told reporters that it was time to clear the air and reach out to the other side of the aisle.
“Since I am the Speaker I feel it is my sworn duty to speak,” said the highest-ranking female elected official in the history of the United States. “The problem is that I am either preaching to the choir or talking to a wall,” she said in reference to the partisan politics that plague the capitol.
Pelosi is expected to criticize the “inhuman practices conducted by the present administration at the borders” as well as “the profits of climate change denial” and white-collar corruption.
The Democrats have no public agenda on these issues that is known at this time. Many inside the party are scrambling for a voice or even a slogan to further enhance defeating Trump in 2020. Right now it is all anti-Trump, minus solutions.
Despite ascertains that she represents the average American the Congresswoman’s net worth was over $30 million in 2017.
In a related development FOX News has secured the exclusive rights to broadcast the 2020 Presidential Elections. The network will dissect the contest 24 hours per day starting in September. It is the first time a television network has taken on such a gargantuan task; especially considering the fact that many FOX celebrities hold positions in the Trump Administration.
– Susie Compost
“Podran cortar todas las flores, pero no podrán detener la primavera”
– Pablo Neruda
15 seconds on fame on St. Stephen’s Green
Barman adjusts the Horseshoe masthead in the Horseshoe Bar at the Shelbourne Hotel in Dublin, Eire. Although the website display was limited to fifteen seconds some ladies from Usher’s Quay said they liked it. (Photo by Peter Kron)
Exhibitionist Falls From Bridge
(Manana, CO) A man seen exposing himself to motorists passing below has fallen from the Gabby Haze Memorial Bridge here.
More than 100 drivers observed the alleged misdeed during commuter rush hour Thursday. According to one eye witness the unnamed perpetrator was there one minute and gone the next. The distance of the fall was estimated at 26 feet.
“Out of nowhere a strong gusty wind came up and swooped the pervert off the bridge using him to crash on to the asphalt below, “ said Shirley Trench-Coate of Wimpton. “The whole deal was creepy but then a mindful wind finished the job.”
The suspect was cheated and released at St Roscoe’s Hospital and is in the slammer here. A trail date is set for August. Bail was denied.
(In keeping with editorial policies at the Horseshoe no one actually dies in these silly stories. The editorial staff did file to make an exception in this case. Response is pending).
WEST CORK, WEST SLOPE SIGN WEATHER ACCORD
(Montrose) County governments in Cork, Ireland and Montrose, Colorado have agreed in principle to exchange excess weather. In short, the Irish region would receive 10 more days of sun in trade for 10 more days of rain for the Rocky Mountain area.
A test run and other logistics are yet to be worked out but everyone involved seems optimistic regarding the innovative switch. Mutual benefits were noted while hiccups spelled out in last night’s meeting held in Brussels, for no apparent reason.
“Many could argue that West Cork gets an abundance of rain while Western Colorado continually flirts with drought,” said Mary O’Shaughnessy of Glandore.
“We could use a little more moisture around here while a few lost days of sun might be seen as a relief to our parched populace,” said Paddy O’Hurley, of Kinikin Heights.
Further weather exchanges may be in the works for such distinct climate zones as Russia and Alabama as well as Colombia and Indonesia. Some say this cooperation will lead to better diplomatic ties and understanding of other cultures.
This private agreement between two sovereign regions is in no way an attempt to undress monster weather patterns of the past few years.
“The extreme weather indicates that we are perched on an angry planet about to shake off its many fleas,” quipped Shaughnessy in Hiberno-English. “We are not here to hold back the flood just to make it a bit more pleasant while we await the paybacks of bad resource management.”
– Fred Zeppelin
ROCK SOUP
Nora: Watch the seals at play and regain your lost soul – Leopold Bloom.
Tax advice #399: Avoid annoying audits. Send 25% of your taxes due directly to the Pentagon and save penalties and interest too. Since the money is going to end up there anyway, why make us do all the paperwork? We might even lose it in the mail. Your contribution will go toward building even bigger and better weapons which will be used against enemies of freedom as we define it.
Lost: Yardarm from Stevens Power Yacht along with entire starboard side and some rope. Cannot find crew since entering harbor last Friday. Running short of malt and scurvy setting in. House plants doing well. Help. Finbar the Sailor.
Monster Man Kelly will be in Cahone to take on all bare-fisted comers through July 19. Pick up entry form at Disappointment Valley Optimist’s Club. Cash payout daily. No sumo wrestlers.
Foot pads, thieves and dance house loungers must get out of Lake City and stay — otherwise hang. – By order of the Vigilantes, June 2019.
Smile…Thor loves you.
NOTICE: Local black bear are awake. PLEASE do not bother them with your intrusive demands, silly problems and ridiculous questions until they have had their coffee. Follow this simple consideration and everyone involved will have a happier summer. Thank you. DOW.
Suffering from Middle Age Vertigo Syndrome? Dial 4 and ask for Donald Quijote.
Join the OLIVE OF THE MONTH CLUB and receive a new set of olives from all of the Greek islands once a month. Naxos, Paros, Crete and more. Imagine the fun when your olives arrive by mail. It’s almost like being there! Box 30097, Ophir.
Hunters: Beware of the Hides of March! Your local 4-H Club. Do it today.
Digital Cahone, the region’s premier bouzoukia band, will be playing Friday and Saturday at The Tinsel Tavern. Bring a covered fish.
Get the credit you deserve. We don’t care what you’ve been doing to dig that fiscal hole. We’ll make it better. Mr Blue. 800-475-1153.
Red: Work release don’t buy me no prom dress. Kiss off – Kate.
Aerial photos of your enlarged ego. See Mr Habitt, afternoons the Wrinkle Room at the Last Harbor Hotel Annex. No cover.
Needed: Rogue truckers to transport hazardous materials in unmarked trailers through the Rockies while all the little environmentalists are fast asleep. Gov’ment approval pending. Great pay. Apply at the third apple shed adjacent to C Bunker across from the simple block building one mile north of the L-P surfboard plant. You won’t be sorry.
For lease: Cash cows. Herd or intimate discussion groups. Feed extra. Also broken horses and depressive goats. Free oysters to the first 1000 people through our gate! Gelded Fields Ranch, Sapinero.
Recovering realtors needed to man nuclear waste dumps. Points earned go toward legal reprieves and full emancipation someday. Aromatic Effigy Commission.
Found: Truckload of acronyms in front of Gunnison Quart House. Have same stored at Department of Dead Letters. Please advise. Second Floor, No anchovies.
Enjoy Apres Ski! Genuine Salivation Army issue Apex Telemark Meatloaf Conveyor. One odor. Was $6780 now $10 with your KBUT Membership. Many elk designs under the socks. Also, need someone to direct traffic at Society Turn weekdays. Town Console.
Learn the intricacies of Bingo on location in Latin American countries. One month sessions now booked. Richard “Pelota” Ricardo, Havana.
Will the person who called in the bomb threat to the Montrose Wal-Mart please turn himself in. We have you on camera. Do so before June 30 and take 20% off all spring merchandise.
Official combat helmets just like those worn by the Colorado Rockies pitching staff in 2018. Also: Check these specials: Base paths 2/$3; Chewing tobacco $4.99; Arbitration couches and front office supplies 40% off. Utility infielders 1/3 off while they last. Diluted personnel always on sale. Mack the Hack, Mack.
Grow hair where and when you want to. Dial 45. No scalpers.
Bagpiper needed to host Wee People when they come to town for pint. Duties include keeping little glasses full and keeping little glasses full and keeping little glasses full. Commission only. Liam O’Leary.
Scapegoat milk and cheeses delivered to your bunker daily. Fred Hat Produce.
Remember: July 30 is the final deadline for refunds on the Colorado Unused Firewood Tax Credit. If you were smart you burned all those federal forms to stay warm and should have a stack of wood leftover for lovely October. Call the IRS.
Don’t forget the FREE PERFUME SAMPLE: See Lifestyles at Risk.