All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Fly Swatting Academy To Offer Seminars
Mel’s Fly Swatting Academy is again teaching the intrinsic art of fly swatting
in an almost absurdly low student-professor ratio.
They say: (Advertisement)
“It’s fly season again and time to tune up that lazy eye, that smooth stroke, that tight, consistent follow-through. A fly-free home is a happy home and enlightened swatting is incremental to a buzz-free environment.
“Who cares what the bastards do outside? I don’t even want to think about it. It’s your space we are talking about here but you MUST SIEZE IT!”
“It’s all true. Filthy disease-ridden balls of scum (No, not people who hold different political views than you) are these garbage-breath intruders. The buzzing buggers serve little purpose with the possible exception of industrial excrement transport or highlighting the status of unattended buttermilk.
“Then let’s get down to it, says Mel’s. “We can improve your life by enhancing the manner in which you deal with just one little plague-mongering pest. We are not talking about moose hunting or shark diving…or even wild marmot stew. We are talking about bringing flies to their knees.
“Our professional staff can turn you from a flitter to a smasher extraordinaire in less than a week. Daily, hourly seminars bring out the natural ability and instill a sense of can-do. The cost, although prohibitive, is well worth it given the peace of mind and the sense that you can dominate one surly aspect of nature.
“And you say this is stupid? Already there are leagues competitive teams with paying sponsors. Yes, the real world is on board and you hicks best get wise quick. While you’ve been riding the hay bale picking your teeth others are getting ahead. That means $$$$$$.
Example Lesson #2
We walk you through The Stare (patented) where the stalker freezes the prey, creeps up and over-wails on the unsuspecting ball of vile snot. We then obsess on your follow through and show you the affects of the methodical, consistent flanking of one’s adversary. You will master The Stun and the 3-In One. Watch your friends tremble in envy, as your handicap becomes all but a negative number.
Of course the riches of the sport will elude many. Professional touring swatters are making the big dollars these days. The amateur can reach new heights but the right gear can run up to $8000 if one wants the state-of-the-art equipment. Fly fashion has never come cheap.
After three weeks of classes – We guarantee that you will pass your fly exams-class 3 or class 4 and go on to pursue and succeed at exceptional honors like Bambo Fly Killer, Red Belt, Wolf-Eagle Squash or join the elite Eat Poop Then Land in My Potato Salad Assassins.
Enjoy a marvelous and vehement summer minus these pests. For classes on mosquito, coyote, bear and skunk find us at www.corallyourpests.com/ferocious.
Remember: Hone your skills for BIG Buck Fly Season in Sept and October when the livestock come back down to earth and the deer fly bites.
For boarding school reservations, indentured arrangements and family visits dial 34.
Methodology accepted by Kill The Flies Without Extended Guilt (KFWEG). Do not kill spiders or bees. They sustain life.
–Advertisement–
Somewhere Over the Back Fence
Ground Still Wet, Moist Says Extension Service
(Pitkin) Most public ground above 12,500 feet is still wet according to Gunnison County Extension Services. Hikers, campers and especially picnic enthusiasts should be aware of these conditions and act appropriately, planning ahead and informing friends and authorities of their whereabouts.
Campers are reminded to bring tents and sleeping materials as well as basic equipment to ward off possible discomfort. The harsh reality is, according to this press release that the present conditions could last through the weekend.
Pretty wet, often moist ground is common throughout the summer or at least until the natural draining of the Stream of Consciousness occurs in late August.
The application of simple tarps, employing folding chairs and/or using picnic tables when possible should help alleviate any potential stress. Outdoor enthusiasts are also warned to hang food up in trees, conserve ice and not to shoot rodents or carve their names on trees.
DOW TO POST NEW SIGNS
(Crested Butte) The Colorado Division of Wildlife will begin posting signs in and around the known habitats of trout and kokanee warning the fish of likely drought conditions. The brown and white USFS-looking signs will be hammered into the still-wet ground in the Elks, West Elks and in other strategic environs this summer.
Local environmentalists, who say the cautions will do no good since the fish can’t read, have threatened to filet a class action suit on the part of the fish if “the condescending and inappropriate program isn’t terminated before spawning season”.
“If one of them fish gets the message he’ll tell all the others,” said Orwell Freemango, DOW biologist and former gang member turned new age greenie and sworn naturalist.
“Progressive elements within this otherwise honkey organization think our slimy little friends should be told the truth about drought. They have grown tired of the lies. They don’t even get kickbacks from the Snatch and Release Programs anymore. If their swimmin’ holes are in danger of drying up they should be the first to know. We owe them that in spite of the fact that there is no effective response to this threat. The signs may be only symbols but they are symbols of our resolve,” stressed Freemango.
Blow to head propelled Toole
(Lake City) Recently retired scribe, Melvin Toole, credits his swift rise to fame in the news world to a blow on the head received in a bar here many years ago.
“I remember sitting there at the Log Cabin when a bar stool was hurled through the air in the direction of the men’s room. It was aimed at a man who ducked right there in front of me,” Toole explained. “Well, I was engaged in conversation and did not see the flying chair and the seat portion struck me flat-smack dead in the forehead.”
The stool knocked the hapless Toole to the floor and when he woke up some three hours later at Gunnison Hospital he began spouting headlines, captions, obituaries, press releases, news briefs, eyewitness accounts and full-length feature pieces.
“He wouldn’t shut up, but the copy was crisp, the style was original and he was first to file it!” said one of the nurses on duty that day. “But we just thought he was another reporter and we damn sure didn’t trust him.”
It would be only a month before Toole won the Werlitzer for his composition “How To Get Rid of Pack Rats”. Later that same year he was chosen to play right field for his college bowling team.
“Success measures success,” said the elderly journalist who lives on tamales, corn whiskey, and an occasional twist of Maalox. “Once it catches up to you it won’t let go.”
When asked which was his favorite award he said, “Oh I don’t know…maybe the Honorary Wichita Falls Cheerleading Squad Slumber Party Plaque…or my blue ribbon for passing audio-detectible wind at Thunder Mountain Speedway.
Readers wishing to converse with this living legend can find him at the Pea Green Rhubarb Festival where he fills in as Archie-The Human Punching Bag on Tuesdays.
“It’s a dollar a punch and a grand time for everyone especially the kiddies!” he laughed.
For a related story turn to Many al Qaeda cell phones inside U.S. on Page 40
Risa enlatada sacada de los estantes
(Ridgway) Las tiendas de comestibles y los supermercados comenzarán a sacar risas enlatadas de sus estantes el lunes como parte de la Ley Federal de Uniformidad, que se aprobó a última hora de la noche.
Se ha determinado que la presencia de la risa enlatada, que una vez se consideró una parte integral de la Americana, es demasiado diversa para el consumidor. La eliminación obligatoria será seguida por el lanzamiento de un aparato de respuesta de entretenimiento más uniforme destinado a hacer que la ciudadanía esté más alerta a los peligros planteados por los cómics extranjeros y aquellos que buscan derribar al actual gobierno.
“Todo se trata de la percepción”, dijo un tendero que apoya el esfuerzo. “Todavía tenemos risitas congeladas y sonrisas liofilizadas para los más acérrimos. Nos gustaría ver a una población que pudiera decidir cuándo reír y de qué reírse. ¿No es ese el núcleo de la democracia?”
Las personas que esperan acumular risas enlatadas para el invierno tienen hasta el fin de semana para hacerlo. Las cantidades son limitadas.
– Melvin Toole
FIRST FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE A REAL BASH
by Melvin Toole, whose ancestors never agreed to sign anything
“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”
– King George III of England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.
“Who brought the potato salad?”
– Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the approval of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776
The tradition of Fourth of July barbecues has been with us for over 200 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a noted document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.* Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict had left the royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eye of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat and somebody had to pay the bill.
Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and in growing cases blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but that truth would have had far less impact on potential supporters.
In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting had already erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.
The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.
We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl.
Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.
Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away. After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their lobsterback legs.
Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have even warned him about getting too excited about planning the war. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already hired regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.
Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the city’s largest livery stable!
Lee: Miserable creatures much like the British tax assessors.
Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.
Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.
Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.
Lee: He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.
Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war against the most powerful nation on earth. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.
Franklin: All things in good time. My dealings with the French have opened a host of new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.
Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.
Lee: Now wait a minute, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.
Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men created equal grab you?
Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.
Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…
Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to the matter of “all men being created equal? Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?
Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.
Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?
Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.
Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land.
Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…
Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.
Adams: Slavery for who?
Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.
Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?
Lee: Gentlemen, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.
Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.
Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.
*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2 but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment . In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.
Big Boxes Want Cut of Beggars’ Take
(Montrose) Chain stories selling everything from boom boxes to burgers want a piece of the action. Everyday the managers of these Orwellian robot bazaars watch rough-looking, often dirty panhandlers pocket coin and currency right there on their font steps.
In small increments these no-overhead ragamuffins beat the carpet for enough to make it worth their while. Who knows what they gather in eight hours. Is it more than minimum wage? Are they legit or are they in costume? Is the veteran getting support? I thought the economy was booming, at least over on Wall Street.
Now the big boys want their cut. The word’s come down from the bullet-proof corporate offices that the stock holders are grumbling about lost revenue and potential profit marginalized by the presence of the distractions on the corner.
“We have expenses too and you are not paying the power bill,” said the night manager at one of 200 fast food franchises that pockmark the south end of the city. “These people are parasites who put in nothing and expect a lot in return. They sit there all days often with their dogs and look hungry and miserable. I bet they go through the dumpsters after I close.”
Meanwhile in front of Wal-Mart, Denny’s, City Market, Home Depot the same ancient alms mantra stretches out a desperate hand. “Homeless-Need Food”, Vet Needs Gas Money” “Single Mom Needs Groceries”. Never used to see any beggars before and nobody had a lot of money then either. What changed?
Whether the multi-nationals will succeed in wringing a few dollars from the tattered trousers of a few unfortunates is yet to be determined. One left-wing politician favors the immediate hiring all of these sullied solicitors at the city and county while a right-wing politician says “petitioning vagabonds” should be removed to a spot out in the desert where people who wanted to give donation could easily visit them.
In 2017 the City of Montrose banned panhandling in Zona Rosa, the glitzy uptown tree-lined blocks set aside for tourists and the wealthy. Since then the under-the-bridge brigade has descended on the culturally significant strip like camp followers or side show curiosities, engaging in the world’s second oldest profession.
Marketing whizzes in several mega-corps, engaged in the heist of the beggar’s gold, have released an overnight campaign aimed at convincing the public that they are really nice and all. Some are paying bonus points to beggars.
Several have promised to give back up to 10% of their profits to feed the homeless. Some are searching for future CEOs amid the rabble and the disenfranchised.
– Susie Compost