All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Ghost Towns Report Vacancies For Fall

(Lake City) Many Western Colorado Ghost Towns are reporting an upsurge in hotel and lodging availability for the fall season. Why there are glaring vacancies in this so popular land is anyone’s guess. Experts focus on remoteness, transportation, social support and comforts in their appraisals, which fall painfully short of preparing the novice for a night of solitude and natural beauty.

A trek to Dallas, Piedra, Baldwin, Cathedral or Capitol City be advised that late snows have interfaced with early snows and mud holes are a menace in the dark timber passageways that lead to each municipality.

Probably the best time to visit Gladstone, Henson, Tincup, Needleton and Duncan is early October due to the presence of aggressive moose in these vicinities and bothersome alpine rodents gnawing on automotive hoses in August and September.

If you’re waiting for the Welcome Wagon you’re out of luck in Howardsville (Bullion City), Eureka, Sneffels, Bedrock, Texas Gulch, Thistletown, Paradox, Maher, Coventry and Eldredge where it’s BYO all the way. Take your choice of dilapidated shacks and tie up your horse at one of a variety of dry saloons (Some with pictures still on the walls)

The abandoned burghs of Portland, Animas, Gothic, Ashcroft, Crystal, Uravan, Sapinero, Marble, Liberty, Lenado, Somerset and Middleton may not be so empty in the summer and fall months. We suggest a visit in winter and spring but bring blankets and warm clothing. A few of the shaky skeletons of shacks still have crude wood stoves but drinking water can be an issue.

That leaves my personal favorites: Yellow Jacket, Pittsburg, Ironton, Cahone and Slippery Rock that were major producers of silver in the 1880s.

Lock your doors for mountain lions.

Watch out for nosey bears.

Have a bonfire “middle of the street” you like.

Ain’t nobody cares.

– Uncle Pahgre.

For more up-to-date info see

www.sanjuanhorseshoe.com

NEW TRAIL SHOE INCLUDES SCOOPER

(Crested Butte) The newly released Nike Air Crested Butte trail running shoe is outfitted with an Al Gore Liner, an aerosol cushioning system and advanced traction. It also has an innovative, built-in pooper scooper for use by the orderly, altruistic mountain runner.

Developers of the shoe felt that since they were marketing it in alpine areas the design and use should reflect year-round mountain living.

“If there’s anything year-round about this place it’s dog tailings, as canine road and meadow muffins are often called locally, said one marketing agent from the big city. “We just hope all this publicity doesn’t bring more dogs to Crested Butte.”

The pooper scoop is reportedly built directly into the bottom of the shoe. It attracts the less than desirable substance then stores it for up to 24-hours before aroma comes into play. The subtle and environmentally sound addition is not visible nor will it influence the runner’s performance. In addition, it will not adversely effect the health of other animals, including deer and elk.

“Sure, we’ve seen lots of shoes that will effectively pick up poop but they’re not the answer since the stuff falls off at will, often at inappropriate intervals,” said a local source. “This product does it all and terminates the need for high altitude athletes to keep their eyes on the ground.”

A spokesman for Nike had no comment when asked to elaborate on reputed plans to create a soft-soled yuppie vacuum loafer for 2020.

– Warren of Wexley    

“How to Pick Up Neanderthals”

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Neanderthals, Denisovans, Home Sapiens were mixing it up 450,000 years ago! Dolores Alegria’s infamous read: Missing Links in the Bathroom tells the reader step-by-step how to attract and maintain a meaningful relationship with all kinds of sub-per creatures. How to shave your partner’s back and how to avoid destructive domestic encounters. Potty training, limiting broken furniture and drinking from the appropriate glass are all examined. Are these early humans better in the sack or they have nicer cars? Are they bigger? What is the common shirt size or do they even wear shirts? Blending caused the Neanderthals and Denisovans to disappear, leaving us with Homo sapiens. Now it’s your option to turn back the clock with a no-nonsense reference book like this you could be dating by the weekend.

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Guest Ghost Graces Gunnison for Rodeo

(Gunnison) His spirit will move you or at least get you ready for Cattlemen’s Days, July 12 -1 4. Yes, Tom Mix is back again and expected to participate (as much as a ghost can take part) in this year’s rodeo. The revelry has been going on since 1900 and Mix has been stopping in since the early 50s according to local lore (and maybe a bit more).

The PCA contest, held in this pristine Western Colorado town, offers the perfect venue for summer nights. There’s bull riding, bronc riding, barrel racing and an uninvited, yet welcome, guest who comes every year to see what’s going on in Gunnison.

It’s the ghost of cowboy movie star, Tom Mix and his horse Tony, who visits Gunnison each year from the Great Beyond to catch a little rodeo. He says it’s good for the blood and what keeps him coming back for more. Readers will recall Mix as the star of the Westerns in the early days of film. The good guy-bad guy plots and the rough mountain scenery were trademarks of the time and Mix was at the top of an impressive assortment of cowboys, saloon hall girls, gunfighters, sheriffs, chiefs, school marms and outlaws galore. The movie goers couldn’t get enough.

Although it appears Mix has no strict agenda fans might likely get a glimpse of him early in the morning at the site of the former Cattlemen Inn, his favorite local lodging and at lunch at Palisades. Later as the rodeo gets going Tom can be observed in the stands or near the entrance watching the rodeo and smiling. As darkness falls the ghost ventures further and joins in at after-rodeo festivities.

“That’s when he really comes out,” said Maryanne Gillhooley, Gunnison County historian and professor of genetics at Western State University. “People see just a silhouette or get a sniff of his cigar. Sometimes they see him riding Tony out into the dense forest or the massive sage lands.”

-Filliebuster

Cannabis Grove to Vote on Softball Team Name, Logo

Changing its street name from Mañana to Yesterday isn’t the only thing that’s kept this elderly colony viral and vital. Later this week the award winning coed softball team will be faced with a nail-biting election that would determine a new team name and logo. It’s a big deal since the retirement village has fielded powerful league-leading teams since the inception of competitive athletics in the 70s.

Since January the retirees have discovered an assortment of odd names for minor league baseball teams across the country.

“The classic marijuana leaf logo and the name “Potheads was already taken by the Hallucination Farms in Loveland while another favorite Sativa Sluggers is the name of the squad fielded by the Twin Cities of Nucla and Naturita in Western Montrose County. Mushroom Mollies was deemed too political and evokes visions of disorder from field assignments, base stealing to bathroom breaks.

Cannabis Grove Retirement Village needed more than just a name and trademark. It needed something that said heart and soul.

 “That’s what the team means to these folks,” said Earl MacAdoo, the longtime coach here at The Grove. Most still wear spikes to breakfast and sleep with their baseball gloves and caps. These are not sunny day patriots!”

MacAdoo told players that they had about a week to decide on uniforms too since the El Paso Chichuhuas have threatened legal action over copyright infringements with the current uniform.

“The same thing has happened every time we agree on what is the appropriate message the team will project on the field,” continued MacAdoo. “That means colors, uniform design, trademarks, logos and name all wound up together, ready to take ether field. We have received threatening letters from The Wichita Wingnuts, the Akron Rubber Ducks, and The Hartford Yard Goats this week alone. One particularly angry note came from my old infield mate, ball and chainer Kid Gravy of the Montgomery Biscuits who challenged Grove fund raisers, domestic staff and our head social worker to a dual over the alleged infringement.

The Traverse City Beach Bums, the Topeka Train Robbers, the Albuquerque Isotopes and the Toledo Mud Hens said they don’t care about color conflicts and disjointed information associated with recreational franchises and hot dog sales.

“Why would we care what a bunch of old hicks in Colorado are doing?” scoffed a joint letter from an inter-league source.

MacAdoo’s jugular response was swift and cutting.

“We don’t give a tinker’s damn about trademark violations and copyrights anymore. What are they going to do? Put us in jail? We’re already in jail most of the day and night here at Cannabis Grove. Sticks and stones may break turbines but names can never hurt us,” he lashed out defiantly.

Anyone wishing to take the leap into this think tank is welcome to present names and attaches. The winner could win two seats for an Amarillo Sod Poodles game in August.

– Rocky Flats, Sports Editor

New sign graces downtown Colona

Ouray County’s third largest metropolis celebrates its status with beautiful new signage on Hotchkiss Avenue.