All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Despite OBambicare Many Deer Uncovered

(Haley Draw — Bone Cracker Post — October 16, 2015)

A majority of the state’s deer and elk will have to sustain the rigors of hunting season without adequate medical coverage, it was disclosed today. Even with the implementation of the controversial Affordable Care Act (Obambicare) many will have no protection at all.

“OBambicare can be a little confusing, said a source at Game and Fish,” “I’m sure that the situation will resolve itself in about a decade or so.”
The only animals who will have major medical coverage are those who have purchased that service from the private sector. Those who had relied on the state to provide health insurance will be left out in the cold.

Life insurance benefits will remain much the same as they have in the past but wildlife officials urge all deer and elk to read the fine print before signing anything.”

“Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
– Voltaire

VENISON CAR WASH SLATED

(Norwood Follower and Finder – October 15, 2015)

The local chapter of The Protected Order of Venison will sponsor a car wash on Saturdays during November. The auto cleansing will be offered from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. along Grand Avenue. The cost is $10 which will go to the United Venison Collage Fund. Hunters are invited but reminded that a cease fire exists within the town limits.

Other interested parties are encouraged to take advantage of the less than savvy automotive janitors by showing up with multiple vehicles and/or the week’s laundry. Advance tickets are available at what was once San Miguel Pharmacy and what was once Rooney’s Chevrolet. Turn out and show your support for this worthwhile organization.

MEAT THE DEER NIGHT OCTOBER 19

(Montrose Pronged Hub — October 15, 2015)

The 2015 Meat the Deer Night will be held at Kearns Auto Body according to a source there. Each year a local business sponsors the social event in an attempt to promote fellowship and good standing between local herds and hunters from all over the world.
Refreshments, including chili and oats will be served. Free information, including maps and a guide to local shops and services, will be handed out and a slide show will be presented. Last year’s event, held at Back at the Ranch Furniture in Gunnison, was deemed a success by almost everyone involved. Just show your license at the door and have a good time! Stags welcome.

Locals Warned: Gatherers Arriving This Week

(Montrose Marble- October 14, 2015)

Community leaders warn all citizens here to watch their belongings as desperate throngs of gatherers are gradually making their way into the Uncompahgre Valley for their seasonal romp. Things always seem to turn up missing when these wretched and persistent locust-like mobs proliferate.

Gatherers, the extended socio-economic subgroup linked to hunters, as in the anthropological Hunters and Gatherers classification, are expected to descend on Western Colorado as early as next week. Division of Wildlife and Social Services workers are keeping a firm eye on the shabby contingent, which generally shows up broke with just the clothes on their back in search of substance, bits and pieces, matter to collect or gather.

“The target items discussed herein are further refined and defined as anything not locked up or tied down,” said Charles Scruples of the Troglodyte Foundation. “These gatherers, although not evolved entirely to the task, have developed sticky fingers over the centuries and are often the loud, pushy sort.”

Scruples suggests that residents and visitors keep an eye on their belongings, especially in large crowds, deserted stretches and after dark.

“Hoarding is a disease, one that we do not want to see cured by a bullet,” snapped Scruples. “We’d like to make it through this difficult migration without incident.”

In 2014 three gatherers were wounded when they trespassed into a well- manicured garden in search of snow peas. The vegetable plot, owned by Warren (Old Man) Pritchard of 33992200772344 Road west of town, had been sloppily probed the night before allowing time for Pritchard to arm himself with buckshot for their subsequent visit.

Region Zen officials have announced that their organization would provide free camping and drinking water in an attempt to isolate and cordon off the gatherers from the mainstream summer visitors.
– Rufus Maxwell

Identify the deer and elk in this picture and win!

CAPTION: Can you locate the almost 1,500 elk and mule deer that are hiding in this picture? Do so and win big rockets from participating merchants all over the Uncompahgre Valley. Contest entries are available at any Ridgway restaurant. If you can’t find an official entry form simply pinpoint the location of the animals on your topographic map and send it to San Juan Horseshoe, Box 1209, Pea Green Annex, Ouray CO 81427. Tie breaker: Correctly estimate the number of one-eyed trout who inhabit Dallas Creek. Good luck!

Deadline for hibernation permits draws near

(Bland Valley  —  October 12, 2015)

Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official Colorado Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough, as applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Wildlife office to pick up the needed forms.

“We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Melvin Toole, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope. “This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”

In addition to a small fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January.
“In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled Toole, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”