All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
GPS system developed for better sex
(Mañana, CO— Better Halls & Bedrooms —September 19, 2016)
The new blue tooth, preloaded global positioning system looks to be the most innovative sexual breakthrough since the birth control pill arrived on the scene in the Sixties. No more getting lost. No more searching for your destination in the dark.
It’s the romance map for joyful love making – Just light the candles. chill the champagne, fluff the pillows and let your love light shine. You can even turn on your smart phone for continual suggestions and creative positions “on the road”. The GPS covers navigational moves in bed, lane assist and turn-by-turn pre-coital recommendations.
The most popular of the GPS gizmos, Naughty Routes, actually goes all the way, cutting down on getting lost or disoriented, even in rush hour traffic. If one loses his place in bed he can simply look up at the handy accessory screen for audio visual examples.
No more unresolved sexual energy. No more sexual wilderness. No more confusion as to high road or low. It’s all there in a handy, compact, concise presentation backed up by the highest technology known to man or woman. Suction cups, voice activated/drop-down units, are provided for the kinky on the more spendy systems.
Commands carry with them such crisp innuendo as Take Me Home, Drive Me To…, and Open the Champagne! Voice recognition allows participants some sense of security while coded mounting discourages identity theft on most models.
Negative side affects include the speeding of stupidity and the inability to apply logic, chronic blockage of brain waves, and the desire to make wooly sheep sounds.
The cost of the Lover’s GPS Series Operator’s Aid runs between $100 and $500 depending on a slew of accessories and power adaptors. Now you can enjoy pharmaceutical drugs, text and talk on your phone till you puke, never worrying about where you are at a particular time or junction. Turn left in 2.1 miles…Your destination is on the right.
Don’t be last!
Serious public information poster by Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine, Juneau
Separation of Church and State Deemed Success
(Mao Clinic — September 17, 2016) The risky and highly experimental separation of church and state has been called a tentative success according to surgeons here. Although the patients have returned to their corners, lingering doubts clearly remain as to the long-term status of each.
The well-publicized medical procedure had been classified as an emergency after the two entities, despite stringent prohibition by the U.S. Constitution, grew to form an intimate relationship.
Chief Surgeon Max “Eddie” Rufus warned celebrants that it is still not clear how such often symbiotic institutions would function after the operation.
“Creeping control by religious groups is staunchly banned by our Constitution, a document often quoted but never read by most on the American Right,” he said. “Today we have politically charged preachers running churches that pay no tax. That is immoral. If these clerics tell their congregations how to vote, then their silly salvation machines must pay taxes too.”
Due to the emergency status all attending physicians are shielded from malpractice suits by either party. Doctors first recognized the trauma and symptoms in the early 1700s, but the Puritans and others squashed any attempts to solve the problem through medical means.
“It came off without a hitch,” said Dr. Cheshire Katt, a leading Siamese healer who wrote the book The Grand Surgery. It keynotes the dangers inherent in corporal and symbiotic codependencies.
“When we opened things up, we found two functioning brains and separate organs in place,” said the Siamese Katt.
Proponents of the treatment say the recovery must be closely monitored by citizens who are often more interested in shopping than their country’s good health.
“Our hopeful diagnosis is that people wake up,” he added
Full recovery could take up to 6,000 years according to Katt
– Fred Zeppelin
Grandson is literary critic!
Initial response by month old Declan Martin Haley after reading his first San Juan Horseshoe penned by his grandfather. Baby literary critics, although often valid, should keep their opinions to themselves until at least kindergarden. (Kyle Haley photo)
Warning to visitors:
We don’t know how many times people are hit by falling trees in these mountains every summer: AVOID THE RISK OF FALLING TREES!
Is Montrose Ready for Roundabouts?
(Pomona, CO – Merry Go Merry Review – September 15, 2017)
County Commissioners, elected officials and other self-appointed public figures remain in closed-door session this evening, dissecting the jagged issue of further roundabout construction here.
Roundabouts, or traffic circles as they are called in some cultures, began appearing last winter and have duplicated themselves quite handily according to one local bus driver who prefers the circles to four-way stops or traffic lights.
“Many of our fellow motorists do not get the four-way thing,” she said. “Besides, the city has never achieved any consistency with traffic light synchronization which leads to congestion particularly in the southern chain zone and at major intersections. It’s almost like recent CDOT traffic pattern blueprints and ridiculous lane use programs were created on computers in Denver without site visitation.”
The driver, who requested anonymity, pointed to the merge south of town at Chipeta and Highway 550 as the biggest bugaboo calling the vehicle amalgamation “an accident waiting to happen.” She also suggested that the city could make better use of lanes at Main and Townsend.
“Minimal traffic flow goes straight on West Main compared to the number of persons attempting to turn left onto 550,” she mused. “Why not use that middle land as an optional lane where people could turn or go straight in conjunction with personal destinations. They do it in progressive cities and towns all over the country.”
Getting back to roundabouts, unreliable sources tell us that at least 5 more are planned for 2017. Although exact locations were not released, it is projected that most drivers will be going in circles soon. Multi-tiered bridges and overpasses, once considered as substitutes for by-passes, have been tabled until no one is looking anymore. The money saved on traffic lights and tin stop signs is considerable and will be used to buy more nuclear-age combat equipment for the local police force.
“Motorists are expected to negotiate the average roundabout in seconds, and certainly less than a minute,” said an unidentified source at the pinochle, euchre and bridge department. “The last thing we need is for drivers to continue to go round and around aimlessly for hours. Sadly, we had an elderly man spinning in circles for 48 hours last May. He was finally rescued and whisked off to the local Denny’s for bad coffee and light conversation. He responded quickly despite the powerful pharmaceuticals he takes twice a day, but remains shaken from the ordeal.”
When and if the above-referenced meeting is completed, officials here hope to achieve a firm understanding of urban planning and physics, two academic studies that have eluded “leaders” up until now.
“Our goal is to go to lunch,” said one Commissar. “After that we will field questions in the parking lot and then go home.”
One frightening option is the creation of two-story roundabouts aimed at further application of available space. Engineers insist it is doable while religious and spiritual leaders expressed doubt as to the feasibility of such edifices on local roads. They remain concerned that people will begin worshipping the edifices thus creating unfair competition for souls in the valley.
Meanwhile the Division of Wildlife is offering a six-week seminar Manipulation of Roundabouts in a Semi-Hostile Environment beginning with the first snow.
“We feel that this state agency has competent experience in dealing with feral nature of driving a car in the 21st Century,” said a councilman. “These folks deal with crabby bears and aggressive moose every day. Certainly they can ease the anxieties of motorists who are not at all comfortable with changes. Roundabout safety is our highest priority.
– Fred Zeppelin
