All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

CALL IT MACARONI BILL GETS HOUSE BACKING

(Washington) A controversial new bill, which would legalize outright lying on the part of elected officials, has passed by a slim margin in the House of Representatives. Dubbed the Call It Macaroni Bill, referring to a line in the popular Yankee Doodle Dandy song, the legislation would allow the blatant stretching of the truth in situations involving national security, fiscal conflicts and romantic encounters.

“We don’t perceive any drastic changes from the accepted mode of behavior that has existed since Manhattan was wrestled from the Indians,” said Senator Oral Noise, Unitarian-CA, the sponsor of the bill. “We simply want to get the truth out of the closet and stop dealing with petty guilt at the expense of the public good.”

A supporting caste of sponsors, including the Pentagon, the nuclear industry, the tobacco lobby and Gunnison (Colorado) Rod and Reel Club, were said to be elated by the outcome.

“It’s about time our governing bodies got their heads straight on this lingering issue,” said Melvin Toole, a corporate spokesman for the pro-Macaroni alliance.

“For years they’ve been riding on their ponies with feathers in their hats, stepping on their noodles. I just hope the Senate wakes up and realizes the potential for the expedient justice that goes hand in hand with this progressive viewpoint.”

The benefits of “calling it macaroni” seems simple enough that even the weekend voter should be able to comprehend its effects. In the first paragraph, the bill clearly stipulates who can be the legal victim of benevolent mistrust and protective exaggeration.

“We have pinpointed a general constituency that will most benefit from Congressional lying,” said Noise from a phone booth at a former suburban Maryland Savings and Loan. “This includes wives, husbands, reporters, campaign workers, caddies, hotel clerks, embassy personnel, clergy, long-distance operators, household pets, bar patrons and members of the Supreme Quart.”

Insiders seem convinced that the bill will stroll through the Senate and become law just before the elections reach the limelight in 2018. This should provide a comfortable setting for Congressional campaigns and should filter down to the state level.

“We expect the question of prescribed dishonesty to be decided in state houses from Maine to Mexico before long,” added Noise,” as deception is not strictly a national issue. A formulative policy will facilitate practices that are not in conflict with any existing approach to governing the masses.

“In short,” he continued, “we have done away with the smokey back rooms and legitimized outright deception without all the baggage.”

Already, backers of the bill have lobbed an arsenal of shells onto the Senate floor. One lobbyist suggested that if the bill dies, elected officials will be forced to begin telling the truth.

“What kind of a precedent are we setting for the generations to come?” she asked.

“Who will pick up the torch if all the millionaires are busy misleading the public in the private sector. We must keep politics interesting if we plan to entice the well-to-do. Imagine the mundane cocktail parties thrown by a new breed of honest politicians extracted from the working class!”

Other more aggressive ploys conducted outside the Senate chambers included a high stakes, members-only liar’s poker game held at the Lincoln Monument. (Readers may recall that it was Abraham Lincoln who hurled the Union into a devastating, yet lucrative civil war under the guise of ending slavery.)

“My favorite ballyhoo has got to be the long noses,” said Noise referring to the distribution of over 1,000 Pinocchio noses to members of the voting body. “The senators who ditched today are going to kick themselves in the pants when they find out what they missed. I really liked the noses. Some of the legislators even took two.”

Noise stopped short of suggesting that the noses would turn the tide in the voting.

“I think the Macaroni Bill would have passed anyway,” he smiled. “The noses just created a festive atmosphere.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Uncompahgre Most Difficult to Navigate Say Linguists

(Bismarck, ND — Spelling Challenge Review –– February 19, 2017)

Uncompahgre was awarded top spot in the annual Spelling From Hell Super Bee held in this often-misspelled capital of North Dakota. Spelling greats, grammar enthusiasts and even the inventor of the digital Spell Check voted unanimously that the correct spelling of Uncompahgre was the most difficult to navigate.

The river itself looks pretty much like any other high altitude waterway according to the experts. There are mountains and green valleys and cliffs galore as the river runs from Red Mountain to Delta where it joins the Gunnison.

Other local rivers such as the Dolores, the Colorado and the Gunnison finished near last in the voting with the Animas, Rio Grande and Arkansas earning honorable mention in the local folklore category. The judges also heaped great tribute on the Yampa and the Platte for the employment of confusing letters and sounds in the one-syllable group.

“People in Western Colorado should be proud of their river since they are virtually the only ones who consistently spell the word correctly,” said Al Fabette, originator of the word games. “It may have the same number of letters than its larger cousin, Mississippi but it is harder to spell and pronounce.”

Fabette, a geographer of some repute, has spent the past 25 years searching the globe for hard to spell rivers, lakes and seas. His newest book Hard to Spell Mountains and Forests is expected in April. He can be reached on his pool phone or through this website.

– Ripple Van Winkle

Games

Sounds Right But It’s Not

Hey chopper heads! The sound of some words can be defined by other words that mean something else altogether. Can you match the definition to the word that is associated by sound and elaborate nonsense?

Answers: 1-e, 2-g, 3-i, 4-h, 5-d, 6-c, 7-f, 8-j, 9-a, 10-b.

The Games People Play

Each of the games listed on the left originated in a locale listed on the right. Can you put the right game with the right place on the planet? This is a little more difficult and cheating in the form of a little pointed research is acceptable.

Answers 1-j, 2-n, 3-o, 4-k, 5-e, 6-l, 7-m, 8-d, 9-h, 10-g, 11-c, 12-b, 13-f, 14-a, 15-i.

Bright Menu

Answers 1. Beggar, egg; 2. Coats, oats; 3. Windjammer, jam; 4. Breadth, bread; 5. Sobriety, Brie; 6. Sleek, leek; 7. Hammer, ham; 8. Appease, peas; 9. Spear, pear; 10. Dapple, apple; 11. Plumber, plum; 12. Scurry, curry. Now make up about 200 of these clues to spring on your friends. Don’t panic. It’s going to be a long winter.

Get along little doggies

Happy, Lucky in Kon Tum!

Silly local kids on the street in the mountains near Kontum, Vietnam

TOOLE FALLS FROM COCONUT PALM

(Las Palmas de Gran Canaria) Award winning American journalist, Melvin Toole, was hospitalized here after a fall from a giant coconut palm tree. According to witnesses on the beach Toole was at the top of the tree reaching for choice fruit when he slipped and fell.

The offending tree

“His path followed the basic outline of the trunk,” said a companion. “He bounced his way to the sand colliding with the trunk at least five times before landing.”
Bathers at first thought the fall was a stunt and that Toole was simply practicing some sort of misguided act. When the ambulance arrived most of them feigned concern then went back to tanning.

The rattled writer, a former member of the Flying Farcheezie High Wire Troupe, has been known to engage in senseless tricks and idiotic feats over the years. However, this most recent death-defying move was purely accidental say friends.

Toole is expected to be released from the hospital as soon as his clown suit comes back from the dry cleaners.

– Nicholas Breakspear aka His Extreme Holiness