All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Highway 50 Troll Road Opens Today
(Montrose) Motorists will now be charged a minimal fee for the right to operate their vehicles on Highway 50 from Monarch Pass to Grand Junction according to a spokesman for the Colorado Department of Transcendental Mobility and Gravitational Dimensions. The fee, larger than a bread box, but smaller than the national debt, will be levied based on weight, distance traveled and attitude. Tips are appreciated.
Heavier vehicles, especially tractor-trailers that already pay considerable road tax, will be charged slightly higher than say, tin yuppie four-wheel-drive transports. This particular decision came about by the flip of a coin over in Denver.
“We don’t like to let this kind of cat out of the bag since people might think we’re all sitting around on our asphalt,” said Princess Irm Peawit, whose father Reginald Peawit was recognized as King of the Highway during a stint as Detector of Roads and Bridges during the Eisenhower years. “After all, I just sort of inherited this job and, well, I wouldn’t want people to think I’m taking my responsibilities lightly. Hell, I might want to run for governor or even dog catcher down the primrose path,” she stressed.
Peawit went on to explain that the coin flip concept actually saves tax payers a bundle in that there are no lengthy meetings to contend with and no overtime paid out to black top consultants. She would not say what fiscal denomination was used in the decision making process but hinted that it was the same as the coin flipped to decide what color to paint the lines on the highways.
“People who complain about the toll or react in what is perceived as a hostile manner will be charged more and in some cases held up for hours,” said Peawit. “All of our toll engineers are equipped with an assortment of signs and two-way radios. We realize this charge is inconvenient for most motorists but one has to understand that highway maintenance costs money.”
When asked what her department has done with tax revenues earmarked for roads Peawit referred to the notes written on her arm and said, “We have been informed that those funds will be used to build stadiums for millionaires over in Denver.”
Coincidentally the toll road opens just prior to the expected annexation of Parlin by Gunnison and the arrival of tourist season.
“We have to keep up with the times,” said Peawit who echoed projections that the city of Montrose will be twice the size of Denver by the year 2030.
“Hard to believe, isn’t it,” she quipped.
In a related piece sources are mum with regards to a rumor that the Colorado House has approved a transaction that would send Colorado water to California in return for an extended culture package.
– Uncle Pahgre
Toole in living hell of Vietnamese “Communism”
Posing with staff of Happy Days Hotel in Danang. Capitalism is alive and well here with a highly noted absence of corporate chains like some places in the world.
EVE WAS FRAMED SLATED FOR MARCH
The controversial play Eve Was Framed will be presented by the Western State drama department on the banks of the East River here through March. The locale was chosen so as to make use of the seasonal backdrop of high winds and light snow (the masses) and because the coming summer Gunnison resembles the legendary Garden of Eden.
Playwright Ella Benedictine Rockefeller, a senior majoring in body chemistry, completed the work while on a Greyhound coming up from Oklahoma City. Here is a preview:
EVE WAS FRAMED
Act II The scene: A jerkwater jail somewhere in the Midwest
Jailer: But boss, we got her. Now what we goin’ to do with her?
Hog: We’ll just teach her a thing or two about the order of things, why we’ll…
Serpent: What’s she done? What’s her real crime?
White-haired judge: Next. Wait…this isn’t another drug case. Where am I? She’s an apple pusher?
Hog: Just follow the notes that we have given you. There’s no need to bother the jury with details. She’s guilty. She gave him the apple.
Serpent: Yeah. Get on with it. Some of us are really very busy. Gotta get the wood in. Gotta get the rest of the fruit canned. How does your garden grow?
Jailer: What are we goin’ to do next, boss?
Hog: Maybe burn her as a witch. That’s worked before. We’ve got to make an example of her or all is lost.
Serpent: Power base. Blast off!
Eve: Adam?
Hog: He’s in the other cell. We got him for possession. There’s no use crying out. I’ll hold you in contempt.
Judge: Possession of an apple? That’s not illegal.
Hog: Not yet. Just wait till our boy Dubya gets into the…
Serpent: Look at the evidence. That apple definitely has a bite out of it. Look at the teeth marks. Haven’t you ever heard of DNA?
Jailer: There’s no mention of it in the Bible.
Hog: It’s definitely got a bite out of it. That’s good enough for me.
Judge: The dirty deed has been done. We all agree on that. These two have fallen from grace but we need to find a scapegoat.
Hog: She’s right there in the cell.
Judge: But she looks so innocent.
Hog: That’s just an act. They all do that. We had better act before things get out of hand for ever.
Judge: I have my verdict. I find the defendant guilty as charged and sentence her to co-exist with males for all eternity.
Hog: And he’s letting you off easy, honey.
Serpent: Red Delicious anyone?
– from The Tower of Babble by Rasputin Trump
JUDGE RULES ON CREDIT CARD FEEDING
Scoffs at Mandatory Legislation
(Ridgway) A local magistrate here says the care and feeding of credit cards should be a personal matter and up to the individual debtor. Furthermore, she ruled that credit card abuse did not fall under the jurisdiction of Sociable Services.
Heralded as a major verdict for personal freedoms by many there are still those who would have liked to see more regulations.
“If the consumer decides not to feed his card for a month that should be his business,” said Melvin Toole, a band saw repair analyst from Log Hill. “We already have the feds looking down our shorts at every turn as it is. Why would people want more government interference?”
The judge’s conclusion may have more extensive ramifications than first presumed due to a recent disclosure that Bill Clinton had put the Kosovo campaign on his Master Card.
“People just don’t realize that credit card purchases are the same as buying an item with cash,” said Toole. “The only difference is compounded interest.”
Despite the ruling most consumers continue to be kind to their plastic. According to a nationwide survey over 80% feed their cards, (generally in the morning) 70 % take them for a walk everyday and some even grant them a paid two-week vacation each year.
Small Mouth Bess
