All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Rodman, Kim lista de gracia de las celebridades en Retooled The Apprentice
El ex-estrella de la NBA Dennis Rodman y el líder de Corea del Norte, Kim Jongun encabezarán una deslumbrante lista de concursantes en un The Apprentice recientemente renovado. El programa de televisión de la realidad adoptará el mismo formato que el original, que se emitió antes de que su anfitrión fuera elegido presidente de los Estados Unidos según la red de host NBC.
Rodman, ex destacado rebote y travestido aparecerá por primera vez en el programa, mientras que se espera que Kim participe por cable de circuito cerrado debido a problemas de inmigración.
“Si los reporteros Yankee no han descifrado cómo deletrear el nombre completo de Kim, se quedarán atrás”, dijo un comunicado de propaganda de Pyongyang, el epicentro del mal según fuentes occidentales. “Kim Jong Un puede controlar el clima con seguridad”, dijo Rodman, quien solicitó permiso a la Administración Trump para visitar a su amigo en Corea del Norte. Si se le permite ir, espera negociar una paz entre Kim y Donald.
¿Vamos a creer que Rodman usará un vestido y Kim golpeará las tablas, marcando en la pintura, durante la visita? Mientras tanto, la mayoría de las personas que viven en Corea del Norte están sujetas a la escasez de alimentos y la represión política es peor que lo que está ocurriendo en Puerto Rico según las Naciones Unidas. Missiles Over Mouths es el nuevo eslogan enlistado en vallas publicitarias en todo el país asiático.
“No hay cordura en enviar a un looney a encontrarse con otro looney para poner una buena palabra para un tercer looney”, dijo el senador Mario Rubio, quien ahora parece ver la escritura en la pared y está tratando de proyectarse como un moderado.
“Parece que olvidamos que los pobres de este país tienen derecho a votar”. Muchos otros en el Partido Republicano están susurrando secretamente que Trump debería enviar a un Ray Moore recientemente derrotado a Pyongyang ya que habla en lenguas y podría traer algún diálogo bienvenido a la mesa.
– Herradura de Cachemira
Ice Climbing Absent From Scripture
(Ouray) The sport of ice climbing is not mentioned once in either The Old Testament or The New Testament according to a group of scholars brought here to determine how the Bible might be used to predict the weather.
After countless hours of exploring passages, no reference to ice, ice climbing or ice climbers was uncovered according to soon-to-be published findings of the academics who were assembled from churches and synagogues all over the world.
“The out-and-out absence of any reference to ice climbing suggests questionable morality here but in no way condones or condemns the behavior,” said one scholar. “At this point we in no way wish to insinuate that ice climbing is a sin.”
Hard-liners disagree saying that if the Creator had wanted people to climb ice he would have said so in his centuries of dictation to ghost writers among the Chosen People.
“Either that or we would all be born with built-in crampons and ice tools” laughed Orwell Freeze, one of the leading researchers in the field, or on the wall as it were. The Koran follows suit and contains no mention of the sport either.”
The results of the investigation are slated to be released in 6000 years.
“Our book talks about the specifics of a chaste and holy existence here on earth,” said one local preacher. There are references to burning bushes, swift swords, eating apples and great victories over the Philistines. There may even be mention of golf and tennis but nothing about ice climbing. Therefore we can only assume that it, along with all winter athletic activities, is wrong.”
Secular sources refute these conclusions saying that the weather in Palestine and the Mideast in general is free of ice and snow and therefore testimonials to these climatic conditions would not be included in the Bible.
“It’s important here to employ logic along with faith in making these final assertions,” said one climber. “There is nothing immoral about the sport itself but the often hedonistic lifestyle associated with it could be the deemed questionable in the arena of theocratic judgements. There is no mention of ice climbing in The Origin of the Species either,” said the source since there was little ice and snow in the Galapagos, where Darwin often lived. “The sudden unfurling of these feigned events demands further research,” she concluded.
Critics of the analysis say the entire idea shows just how far the self-righteous will go in judging others, (even though their book specifically condemns such behavior). They maintain that ice climbing is a good, clean experience. Some participants questioned the sport’s staying power what with the heat and eventual thaw inherent to eternal hell fire.
“We live in a time where fairy tales and ancient fears dictate daily life for some. But this needle-nosed scrutiny comes in a disproportionate helping when these finger pointers need to take a good look into the mirror,” mused Freeze.
– Fred Zeppelin
ICE PARK SUBSIDIES DEMAND SPECIAL SESSION
(Ouray) The over $1.6 million in federal subsidies slated to be paid to the Ouray Ice Park for not growing ice in 2018 was the subject of a special session of city and county administrators last night.
Although the money has already been spent, civic leaders here are becoming increasingly anxious over the windfall which they say threatens the cosmic balance of the annual budget in the coming years.
“People around here are going to become more and more dependent on these funds from Washington,” said one county commissioner. “What happens if global warming reaches its apex or the government goes under? The where would we be then? Sure, all of us like to see this kind of money roll in for doing nothing but the amount here is a bit excessive, especially considering all those lucrative tax breaks and the low price of fuel.
Ice farmers, frustrated by attempts at the federal level to control the price of frozen commodities, say they would prefer a more relaxed version of supply and demand, with the federal gov’ment the odd man out.
“Nobody likes to go to work and do nothing all day,” said Sergio Jingles, veteran ice maker and high altitude renaissance plumber. “It’s not like the job is rocket surgery or anything but we have our pride. This year we’re forced to sit back and watch as these funds are distributed throughout the community but what happens when the intricacies of ice farming are forgotten. Who’s going to teach the ice farmers of the future if the experts in the field are engaged in a serious meltdown day after day?”
Supporters of the subsidy say there is plenty of ice at the park now and that making excess ice just drives down the price on the exchanges. In addition they support a more conservative approach to water use and the rerouting of existing water supplies. At present ice is being grown only on one wall of Martin Luther King Canyon in keeping with agreements with the feral gov’ment.
“It’s difficult enough to get Colona Board of Trade investors to look at ice futures in July or August without word getting out that we have flooded the markets,” said Jingles. “We understand the ins and outs of production up here and we’re not blind to the manipulation going on all around us. Look at all the unemployed ice makers and zamboni drivers in the NHL this year and they thought their jobs were secure! I for one do not want to go back to wearing a suit and tie to work.”
Ice farming, with its often clannish yet intensely proud heritage going back to the Woolly Mammoths, is not a particularly expensive process compared to related technologies. Although countless recipes for perfect ice exist, only a scant few have survived the tests of time. In primary production the engineer needs only the water, directional blueprints and the right temperature.
“Sometimes on a good day we can set up the process at night and in the morning we will have ice,” explained Jingles. “Other times our efforts fall short wherein all the variables are not on our side or too much of one element or the other go berserk and destroy the formula. Then we have to start all over and hope for the best.”
Most welfare ice farmers say the public remains uninterested in their skill and often takes ice for granted. They say the average man sees ice only in terms of black and white while he sees snow, sunsets, storms and other natural phenomenon in a variety of shades. Most see the payment of exorbitant subsides as a threat to their future since the labor quotient takes the back seat to price control and the entire system operates well below the chasm of accepted diminished returns.
“On the micro-economic front we can all understand the benefits of squeezing more water out of the existing product,” said an interested bystander, “but on a more practical front it really doesn’t make sense to pay millions to protect the real worth of something doomed to melt someday soon.”
Toward the end of the meeting a citizen’s action group demanded to be heard calling for funds to be spent on the construction of a cafe and five-story parking garage on-site at the ice park. Despite the radical look and trance like demeanor of the group its’ ideas were shouted down and its’ leaders hauled away in chains.
The last minute meeting was organized so as to avoid the embarrassment of three winters ago when ice farmers poured a mixture of water and ice all over Highway 550 to protest low prices and higher operating costs associated with their industry. Although a highway marker was erected on the spot by union leaders the actual moisture is said to have evaporated when the sun came out.
Meanwhile ice farmers in Cody, Wyoming have filed a class action suit on behalf of western state ice farmers who are currently receiving no subsidies. Saying that the Ouray farmers have been given unfair advantage in the production of ice they have threatened to pull out of the most major ice making operations nationwide if their needs remain undressed.
– Mercy Plaine
Person of the Decade: Jose Alberto Mujica Cordano
President of Uruguay 2011 to 2015, Pepe Mujica, a former guerilla with the Tupamaros, was imprisoned for 13 years during the brutal military dictatorship in the 70s and 80s. He has been described as the “world’s humblest president” due to his austere lifestyle and his donation of around 90% of his $12,000 monthly salary to charities that benefit poor people and small entrepreneurs. He still drives his old VW bug. Of Spanish Basque ancestry, Mujica, with fellow Social Democrat Tabare Vasquez (not pictured here), have steered the country in a progressive direction substantially reducing poverty while raising the standard of living to the highest on the continent. Under his direction all drugs were recently legalized with addiction treated as a disease rather than a crime. A leader who puts the needs of his people first, he is everything our greedy, narcissistic leaders are not. Presidente de Uruguay 2011 a 2015, Pepe Mujica, ex guerrillero de los Tupamaros, fue encarcelado durante 13 años durante la brutal dictadura militar en los años 70 y 80. Ha sido descrito como el “presidente más humilde del mundo” debido a su estilo de vida austero y su donación de alrededor del 90% de su salario mensual de $ 12,000 a organizaciones benéficas que benefician a personas pobres y pequeños empresarios. Todavía maneja su viejo error VW. De ascendencia vasca española, Mujica, junto con su colega socialdemócrata Tabaré Vásquez (no fotografiado aquí), han dirigido al país en una dirección progresiva reduciendo sustancialmente la pobreza y elevando al mismo tiempo el nivel de vida al más alto del continente. Bajo su dirección, todas las drogas fueron legalizadas recientemente y la adicción fue tratada como una enfermedad más que como un crimen. Un líder que prioriza las necesidades de su gente, es todo lo que nuestros codiciosos y narcisistas líderes no son.
SPORTS SHORTS, 1920
Ruth Sold to Yankees
(New York – January, 1920) Pitcher George Herman “Babe” Ruth was sold by the Boston Red Sox to the New York Yankees for $125,000. It was the highest sum ever paid for a baseball player. Ruth, who hit 29 home runs last season had asked for a $10,000 salary increase to $20,000 per year. Ruth will pitch and play outfield for the Yanks.
Black Sox Scandal Rocks National Pastime
(Chicago – September, 1920) Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted this week on charges that they conspired with gamblers on the 1919 World Series against Cincinnati. Among those charged were “Shoeless” Joe Jackson, Ed Cicotte, Hap Felsch and Swede Risberg. All could spend 5 years in prison if convicted.
First Winter Olympics in France
(Chamonix, France – January, 1924) Scandinavians dominated the first winter games held here this week. Although winter sports had been included in some earlier Olympics of the modern era it was the first time it was designated as the official Winter Olympics. American, Charlie Jetraw won the speed skating championship for that country’s only gold medal. Jetraw incurred the wrath of fundamentalists and was later committed to a Colorado mental hospital for suggesting that man would someday make snow.
Gertrude Ederle Swims English Channel
(Cape Gris-Nez, France – August -1926) New Yorker Gertrude Ederle became the first woman to swim the English Channel today accomplishing the feat faster than any of the men who have done it over the past 50 years. Her biggest delay came when customs officials in England insisted on interrogating her before allowing her to come on shore. After arriving at her hotel she told reporters, “Now I believe I’ll have a hot bath.”
Colorado Native, Dempsey, Loses Title Bid
(Chicago – September, 1927) The Manassa Mauler failed in his attempt to dethrone Gene Tunney and regain his heavyweight title tonight. Although Dempsey sent his competitor sprawling in the seventh round he failed to return to a neutral corner and lost five seconds in the knockout count.
Flagpole-sitter loves his job
(New York – August, 1929) Flag-pole sitting champion “Shipwreck” Kelly deserves his title “Luckiest Fool Alive” especially after 35 hours, 12 minutes and 40 seconds on a flag above the Flatiron Building on Fifth Avenue. Once the tallest building in the world at 20 stories the site is said to exhibit some of the strangest wind currents on record. Kelly, a former rodeo star from Norwood, Colorado says, “Nothin’ to it. He plans an industrial pole-sit above the Stock Exchange on October 24.
Featured Buried News:
The U.S. House of Reprehensibles is reputedly perched to repeal the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights according to persons familiar with these documents.
The move is reportedly planned for Super Bowl Sunday when most of the nation will be distracted by manufactured violence, released in small segments, hinged to mindless pop culture mega-events.
The US Constitution appears to be in Cross Hairs too despite phony embraces and claims to the contrary.
“It’s no big loss,” said one Republican. “Nobody reads past the first few lines anyway.”
It was not known if this effort was linked in any way to the alleged plans by the Trump people to radically change the New Testament so as to more stringently reflect and enforce the views of the Deep Shit State.
‘The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those that speak it.’
– George Orwell
