ICE PARK SUBSIDIES DEMAND SPECIAL SESSION

(Ouray) The over $1.6 million in federal subsidies slated to be paid to the Ouray Ice Park for not growing ice in 2018 was the subject of a special session of city and county administrators last night.

Although the money has already been spent, civic leaders here are becoming increasingly anxious over the windfall which they say threatens the cosmic balance of the annual budget in the coming years.

“People around here are going to become more and more dependent on these funds from Washington,” said one county commissioner. “What happens if global warming reaches its apex or the government goes under? The where would we be then? Sure, all of us like to see this kind of money roll in for doing nothing but the amount here is a bit excessive, especially considering all those lucrative tax breaks and the low price of fuel.

Ice farmers, frustrated by attempts at the federal level to control the price of frozen commodities, say they would prefer a more relaxed version of supply and demand, with the federal gov’ment the odd man out.

“Nobody likes to go to work and do nothing all day,” said Sergio Jingles, veteran ice maker and high altitude  renaissance plumber. “It’s not like the job is rocket surgery or anything but we have our pride. This year we’re forced to sit back and watch as these funds are distributed throughout the community but what happens when the intricacies of ice farming are forgotten. Who’s going to teach the ice farmers of the future if the experts in the field are engaged in a serious meltdown day after day?”

Supporters of the subsidy say there is plenty of ice at the park now and that making excess ice just drives down the price on the exchanges. In addition they support a more conservative approach to water use and the rerouting of existing water supplies. At present ice is being grown only on one wall of Martin Luther King Canyon in keeping with agreements with the feral gov’ment.

“It’s difficult enough to get Colona Board of Trade investors to look at ice futures in July or August without word getting out that we have flooded the markets,” said Jingles. “We understand the ins and outs of production up here and we’re not blind to the manipulation going on all around us. Look at all the unemployed ice makers and zamboni drivers in the NHL this year and they thought their jobs were secure! I for one do not want to go back to wearing a suit and tie to work.”

Ice farming, with its often clannish yet intensely proud heritage going back to the Woolly Mammoths, is not a particularly expensive process compared to related technologies. Although countless recipes for perfect ice exist, only a scant few have survived the tests of time. In primary production the engineer needs only the water, directional blueprints and the right temperature.

“Sometimes on a good day we can set up the process at night and in the morning we will have ice,” explained Jingles. “Other times our efforts fall short wherein all the variables are not on our side or too much of one element or the other go berserk and destroy the formula. Then we have to start all over and hope for the best.”

Most welfare ice farmers say the public remains uninterested in their skill and often takes ice for granted. They say the average man sees ice only in terms of black and white while he sees snow, sunsets, storms and other natural phenomenon in a variety of shades. Most see the payment of exorbitant subsides as a threat to their future since the labor quotient takes the back seat to price control and the entire system operates well below the chasm of accepted diminished returns.

“On the micro-economic front we can all understand the benefits of squeezing more water out of the existing product,” said an interested bystander, “but on a more practical front it really doesn’t make sense to pay millions to protect the real worth of something doomed to melt someday soon.”

Toward the end of the meeting a citizen’s action group demanded to be heard calling for funds to be spent on the construction of a cafe and five-story parking garage on-site at the ice park. Despite the radical look and trance like demeanor of the group its’ ideas were shouted down and its’ leaders hauled away in chains.

The last minute meeting was organized so as to avoid the embarrassment of three winters ago when ice farmers poured a mixture of water and ice all over Highway 550 to protest low prices and higher operating costs associated with their industry. Although a highway marker was erected on the spot by union leaders the actual moisture is said to have evaporated when the sun came out.

Meanwhile ice farmers in Cody, Wyoming have filed a class action suit on behalf of western state ice farmers who are currently receiving no subsidies. Saying that the Ouray farmers have been given unfair advantage in the production of ice they have threatened to pull out of the most major ice making operations nationwide if their needs remain undressed.   

– Mercy Plaine