White House staff visits Colombian town

They were reportedly there on a fact finding mission with half their time spent looking for oil, the other half in a bordello. “We barely had time to grab a bite to eat,” said one sycophant. “Our president is a virtual whirlwind!”

Armed robberies down above 5000 feet

(Montrose)) The number of armed robberies committed above 5,000 feet are down from previous months. A major reason, according to law enforcement findings, is the increase in traffic with the onset of winter.

“Imagine trying to maneuver a getaway vehicle with all that traffic on South Townsend,” said one officer.

“Even if the culprit got on the by-pass or tried to negotiate East Niagara he’d be easy pickings for our federally allocated security net,” said another.

Other sources say the drop off has to do with the still lagging real economy and the distractions of the times.

“Remember those two crooks the cops nailed at the Friendly Corner Bar moments after they robbed the Who’s on First National Bank in February?” one security guard asked. “They might have gotten away easily if they hadn’t seen the sign for happy hour and stopped to play cops and robbers video games.”

Another view of these proceedings suggests that armed robbers are thwarted by the fact that there is nothing of worthwhile value on the shelves. Social scientists and political watchdogs agree that the White Collar criminals have already made off with game-changing  treasures, leaving little behind but a cheap tools, makeup or groceries. It’s a knick-knack or a 12-pack world and consensus has it that it could get wild horse worse before it returns to the stable.

“I ain’t going to jail for no domestic beer,” quipped one shoplifter, known for stuffing his socks full of premium miniatures, then buying cheap wine as a cover.

A spokesman for the city said bank robberies have always been a part of our Western heritage.

“Although the temptation is greatest around the holidays we are seeing signs that the practice has taken on year-round ramifications. The perception of a bank full of dollars is just too much for some of us.”

Whatever the causes and ramifications for the disruption of social order the public has been reassured that televised law and order reigns.

“We are happy with the news that these kinds of crimes appear to be diminishing,” said one councilperson here, “but I’d keep my money in my boot and my car door locked just in case.”

– Fred Zeppelin

“Our politicians point the finger south to avoid pointing it at the noses and veins and mouths of their constituents.”   – More Terrible Than Death – Violence, Drugs and America’s War in Colombia, published 2001.

The media says “thousands” but there are hundreds of thousands taking to the streets!

Demonstrations all over the globe denouncing Trump. Massive crowds in most US cities and all over Europe and Asia.

My breakfast in the Andes

Scrambled eggs, beans and rice, avocado, tomatoes, cheese and an arepa all enjoyed with the best coffee on the planet. The problem with the fresh delicacies here is that after a few days one is hungry all over again.

Your Weekly Trumping

In an attempt to deprive The White House of the attention it desires we will limit stories to one column per week. Since journalism is in the flimflam business too we feel the necessity to address this mean-spirited circus by loading just another atomic mass unit onto a broken, crashing cart.

Trump continues to refuse to release golf handicap 

From a man who sees himself as another Einstein but thinks Haile Selassie was a kosher sausage, comes a further refusal to share vital data with the American people.

Paired with his refusal to release tax returns, this latest repudiation shocked the sports world and is expected to create massive blowback much like a slice into the rough.

“Donald gets those hips moving he’s a threat. He bullies the bunkers and water hazards,” said a former caddie who once tweaked the president’s score card. “He cheats at every chance.”

In a related story the six Republican senators that landed on Mars yesterday have yet to formulate any plan for their safe return to earth. The legislators, on a fact-finding trip of with the potential for Biblical revelation, have circled the caissons and organized a filibuster against the solar system.   

TRUMP TOWERS HOSTS CHEATER’S SPELLING BEE

1. toxic

2. pariah

3. plutocrat

4. toadies

5. heart

Bonus: Find 10 shit holes on a world map?

Breaking News: The USS Congress sank today after collision with deep water fracking tanker in the Pacific. All are perceived as lost. Trump, in his Red cap, said to have been spotted in a terrific rowboat headed to Israel the only country who will let him in.

Trump’s Sun God Claim Misinterpreted in Liberal Press says Sessions

A deity to be feared and worshipped?

“I never said that,” he insisted. His retinue, along with many adoring young sycophants in the GOP “can’t recall him saying that.”

And Now The Federal Judiciary is considering installing lie detector machines in the White House. Machines disguised as ATMs are meant to catch persons guilty of mistruths without delay. Three lies and the liar is incarcerated right on the spot and held “tar baby style” until the Congress and Judiciary get there to make a formal arrest.

And if that’s not enough: A Blueprint of the Berlin Wall was today recovered from Oval Office. It had been the property of the Smithsonian. It was not clear how the document landed in the Egg Shaped Office in the first place.

– Another bogus accusation made against the defenseless and unsuspecting president by the mongrel, left-wing Muslim Marxist press.

Curt Review:

A new movie that has been billed as the epic horror film is set for release April 15. The premise is a bit far fetched and all of the actors are white males. Low cost zombies like Bill Pence, werewolves like Sarah Huckabee Sanders and vampires like the Cromwellian Paul Ryan are featured. Even a crisp cameo or two by the less than dynamic Evil Dwarf cannot prop up his shoddy piece of work. Skip it.

And they thank the Lord for the land that they live in where the White man does as he pleases.” 

– Nancy Griffith

Pence Denies “Bannon is Rasputin”

Vice President “Hoosier Bill” Pence vehemently insists that Rasputin, the deceased Russian monk, looks more like Hillary. But just look at the hand movements in each photo plus the comparative bad hygiene, beady eyes, angry glare, greasy hair and poor complexion.

Gregori Rasputin

The original accusation, linked to the ongoing Russian scandal, had no real impact among Trump faithful since most aren’t familiar with the mysterious Rasputin.

Bannon shocked party loyalists by unbridled criticism of the president last week calling Trump “a self-aggrandizing political charlatan who has lost his mind.” Trump’s former Nashville Security Insider later apologized saying he really didn’t really mean those nasty things and was simply engaged in a harmless game of political Scrabble.

“He is just trying to use big words here to throw us off the scent but it won’t work,” continued Pence, who said he hopes to be crucified some day soon. “Our King Donald bibles have a dictionary in the back.”

Steve Bannon

 Across the aisle of broken promises Democrats are asking themselves: “How would Maximilien Robespierre or Jean Paul Marat have dealt with these creatures?” It’s funny how the image of the guillotine keeps creeping back into this dialogue.

How much of this would Joan of Arc have tolerated ? How about Catherine the Great or a liberated Queen of Hearts or Emily Post with a hand-held missile launcher? Alas, we can only dream sweet dreams.

 In a related move a House bill aimed at terminating the title Honorable from Congressmen’s names (until they prove themselves so) is expected to reach the Senate floors and ceilings by the weekend.

“If one has only one plate he will rarely face a sink full of dirty dishes.”  – Gyro Juju