All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Monsanto will distribute medical marijuana in most states

(Washington) In an attempt to get a grip on the citizen demands to legalize marijuana in more than 20 states the White House has announced a merger with the Monsanto Corporation that would clear the way for the chemical giant to sell pot. We have designated our friends over at Monsanto as exclusive agent  for cannabis production and distribution.

“We are pleased to put this controversial drug in the hands of a responsible party that sincerely cares for the health of our constituents,” said a press release found under the office door this morning.

In what is estimated to be a lucrative, billion dollar contract Monsanto agrees to grow and distribute marijuana through exiting channels and add more convenience stops as the year progresses. Whether options will be available in states where the drug is already legal is slated to be discussed Wednesday.

“We see ourselves much like the Starbucks cartel,” said a source at Monsanto, self-described champions of genetically produced crops. “People are gobbling up our fake tomatoes and high fiber rice now. We can’t wait to see the herds lining up for scientifically induced bud.

On Wall Street Monsanto has already moved to secure many satellite companies that manufacture junk food and hopes to soon dominate the Munchie Exchange with the bullish dumping of fertilizer stocks for recreational commodities.

-Fred Zeppelin

“Religion is no substitute for morality”

– Manfred Alabaster Krone

FOX TO PAY VOUCHERS TO ENTHUSIASTS, COHORTS

Viewers who publicly endorse the FOX News philosophy and regularly parrot statements heard on the network, will begin receiving cash payments as part of Operation Wool Eyes starting next week.

The recipients of the checks are expected to continue to disseminate questionable “facts” and hateful gossip in low-end intellectual circles according to people familiar with the payouts. The checks will be sent in brown paper envelopes with no return address for security purposes.

     “FOX supporters have reacted to money like chickens pecking for corn in controlled psychological experiments,” said Edward R. Toole, author of  Where is the FCC? Imposters in a Counterfeit Newsroom.

     Toole calls most television news “bogus at best” but points to FOX as the most damaging to the American consciousness. He equates an audience that embraces and advances misleading stories to cigarette smokers who deny the dangers of second-hand smoke.

     “They would rather espouse hypocrisy and cling to scheming propaganda disguised as news than research the issues,” he continued. “Opinions are like..you know… Everybody has one.

     “The talking heads at FOX barely qualify as reactionaries since they don’t actually react but rather substitute fabricated news that fans the fires of ignorance and mistrust,” he explained.

     “MSNBC, CNN , and even NPR are no longer worth their salt since they have dropped the ball and sold out, accepting advertising from evil corporate entities such as Wal-Mart, Monsanto and a bevy of fast food chains. These news sources are not valid either since they advance their own fiscal agendas at the expense of well rounded information and thus a more educated public.”

     FOX has reportedly come out of the closet on the pay vouchers/checks after realizing that the American people were not paying attention to any of the network’s deceitful policies.

     “It’s not hard to herd sheep,” said Toole. “Its all linked to tedious repetition and a lack of tolerance and progressive thought…you know…like logic.”

     Famous immigrant and corporate pirate, Rupert Murdoch, owner of FOX News, did not return our phone calls regarding these developments since they were made from a courtesy phone over at the Supreme Quart.

     “We don’t make a habit of giving out personal phone numbers to creeps like that,” said Toole.

     The amount of the cut checks is directly related to the level of fraud the recipients are willing to ignore. Someone who constantly ape’s the FOX viewpoint might get a few hundred dollars every six months or so while more subdued spectators can expect significantly less, maybe enough for a  ticket to Nascar or a box of bullets.

     If you would like to apply to receive these entitlements send your name and contact information, bank routing number, proof of income, last grade attended, race, gender and a photo of your personal arsenal to FOX News, 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10036 or call 212-301-3000. Packages delivered to Trump Towers will either be returned two sender or destroyed.

     Please include a short statement explaining why you love FOX News. We will get back to you shortly after an investigation into your FBI files, political allegiances and voting history. – Kashmir Horseshoe

“Guns don’t kill people…Camp chili does.”  – Elmer Fudd, famous hunter

Math Department to Measure Snow

(Crested Butte) Standouts in the WSC Math Department will assist CBMR staff in determining valid snow depths for the coming ski season. In the past the reports have been questionable at best according to sources here near the ground.

     In addition to the calculations the students will provide statistical analysis which could go a long way toward easing world hunger, global warming and the common cold. In addition it may even help keep snowboarders off the hill on holy days.

     According to one participant the snow depth measurements have a lot to do with moisture, the angle of sunlight, the price of Jim Beam and the cross referencing of skier days. Despite a drop in season pass rates these elements will continue to be controlled by the iron fists of the Caraway family.

     Meeting during a field trip to a local field, math majors pledged to provide unbiased square root reports and carefully police the slopes after all metric conversions.      

– Tar Sands

“If you kill that spider Buddha will get you.”

                      – from Guilt Trips for Buddhist Christians by Melvin O’Tao

RISING SEA LEVELS THREATEN OFF SHORE ACCOUNTS

Leading meteorologists and climate experts, banned from White House-sponsored meetings on climate change, say that raising ocean levels will create havoc in seaboard locales as early as next summer.

One particularly vulnerable target of this planetary phenomena are the countless off-shore money pits created by tax-evading corporate executives and the idle rich.

“Building your house on sand.. and all of that rot, has come home to a soggy roost,” said a scientist who has spent the last 30 years studying sea lions in coastal environs.

“We have seen raising water, vicious storm patterns and even aggressive behavior by generally docile sea lions against swimmers in the Pacific,” she said. “We can expect more attacks by animals who may end up as the caretakers of the planet after we humans extinguish ourselves. At the present you can pretty much bet there won’t be a lot of drilling or fracking near these sacred off-shore accounts which could further destabilize the nautical environment.”

The big question remains: Is terra firma resilient enough to handle the weight of this pecuniary cornucopia and assorted emotional baggage generated and exacerbated by the presence of criminals on these once lovely beaches. It looks like Atlantis for the Wealthy, where tax evasion replaces Neptune as King of the Oceans.

Both sides of the controversy agree that the flooding of these fiscal redoubts is an unintended result of the continuing denial of man-made climate change.

Yesterday Coast Guard Intercepts 4 massive yachts carrying precious metals, gems and gold bars as well as building supplies to an undisclosed destination. Unreliable sources here believe the ships were bound for legendary off shore accounts, owned by the rich and immoral.

GOP politicians and others remain at risk on the mainland due to leaks in the ceiling over at the House of Reprehensibles.

A salty, sodden blueprint, discovered in Vice President Mike Pence’s purse by what GOP patriots called “gay communist agents of Iran”, calls for 75 mansions to be raised in the new maritime communities. “If the Israelis can do it, albeit in semi-desert, so can we on the high seas.” it bragged.

In other news House Republicans have passed what feeble Democrats call “a biased and weighted” Pinnochio Resolution, despite the fact that no one had bothered to read the fable. The new bill lubricates diminished rights, theft of safety net benefits, the adoption of mistruths and hoarding of other people’s money.

For an unrelated but just terrific story please turn to Broncos put off at exclusion from Weekly NFL Highlights – Our boys are consistently left off due to poor play. in Soft News

Adopt a Congressman! The corporations certainly have.

Employing the Traditional Columbium Pull-Away

Russian President Vladimir Putin meets with China’s Central Military Commission Vice Chairman Zhang Youxia at the Novo-Ogaryovo state residence outside Moscow. Employing the Traditional Columbium Pull-Away on an unsuspecting Vladimir Putin, Zhang enjoy a little chuckle. The common Latin America joke is kin to the German Schadenfreude. and the dry humor of Northwest Europe. It is however, thought to be a putdown in Russia, especially in St Petersburg, the birthplace of the Russian boss. Zhang later told reporters he learned the trick from Irish magicians, probably pirates, on the island of Providencia in the 70s. It was not immediately clear what this questionable gesture might do to Sino-Russian relations just as they were thawing out over what to do with North Korea.

Take Winter Health Warnings To Heart

(Montrose) Local physicians here agree even without a flu shot most of us will survive the winter. Besides being colder and noticeably darker the period from December through February holds many unpleasant surprises for the uninitiated. Getting stuck in the snow or coming home to frozen pipes is nothing compared to life-threatening disease, brain deterioration and slow starvation.

First and foremost residents and visitors alike are reminded that dog hair and ashes are not a suitable substitute for daily fiber in one’s diet. While these household particles may seem normal to most of us we cannot ignore our need for nutritional balance. Of course we have come a long way since bleeding with leeches, mindless limb amputations and primitive chanting but watch out for nouvelle vague trends such as consensual cannibalism, leftover colcannon and sneeze warts as the winter drags on. In the final analysis these ribald solutions help nobody and can cause lots of problems down the road. Cutting edge doctors suggest a nice tumbler of aged Nicaraguan rum with every meal (especially breakfast) and two before bed. The balance of reality to perception must be explored!

Even if you are a strict vegetarian doctors here suggest that you apply a liberal amount of writer’s block on your face and extremities when venturing out into the Colorado sunshine. Avoiding the harmful rays of self-absorption and literary prowess is not only logical but it’s the law! Ignore your health and your storybook existence will soon be in the dumpster with all the bad novels and crummy films that one could suffer in a lifetime.

– Dianna Pettifogger

Continued when your next health insurance bill arrives