All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Yuppie Anazazi To Blame For Demise of Mesa Verde?
(Mancos) Young, urban, professional cliff dwellers are being blamed for the passing of the native American culture at Mesa Verde according to archaeologists and doctors here. Basing their theories on a recent dig which netted what most believe to be an early local, the scientists seem convinced that the ancient mystery can now be resolved.
“The upwardly mobile Anazazi sought to acquire second homes, sophisticated time keeping devices, pure-bred dogs, expensive foreign transportation and private schools for their children,” said Dr. Melvin Tool, Medical Director of the Far View Institute just west of here. “This obsession with material goods on the part of the more affluent caused a riff in the social infrastructure and growing resentment among the poorer Anazazi who were sentenced to scraping out a living growing corn, hunting and making jewelry.”
Tool, who is best known as the surgeon who first transplanted the brain of a human into the head of an ape, said the situation at Mesa Verde in about 1100 was much like that of our urban centers today.
“Everyone was abandoning the decaying cliff dwellings for the security of the suburbs,” he shrugged. “How do you think Cortez was founded. Once the wheel is set in motion it is tough to stop it from turning and, make no mistake about it, the Anazazi, like their casino-happy Ute descendents of today, had discovered the wheel!”
When coupled with his analogy to the urban centers Tool’s vast experience with apes comes into play like a runaway hockey puck at an orthodontist’s convention.
Tool writes: “Some three to four hours after we placed the brain of the human into the cranial cavity of the ape a major metamorphosis ensued. The ape, once content to eat bananas and swing on his lonely swing now wanted more. He threw his food at his handler, refused to perform cute tricks and demanded to see a lawyer! After a few days he began abusing his charge card and seeing a therapist. After a week he was a fully reconditioned neurotic much like the man he had almost become.”
The physician equates the behavior of the greedy Yuppie Anazazis to the behavior of the frustrated ape with the newly acquired human brain. With further experimentation Tool and his colleagues hope to isolate extended patterns of abnormal behaviorisms and thus develop a treatment which might deter this conduct in the future.
“We’ll be needing about a truckload of volunteer apes with human brains,” winced Tool, “since it is still illegal to perform experiments of this type on yuppies. If we are successful we might be able to determine the origin of greed in man and make a U-turn on the road to destruction.”
-Princess Irm Peawit
“It’s not just the GOP’s position on pot that is a problem for younger voters. Virtually everything it does offends their sensibilities. Trump pulled out of the Paris climate accord, wants to ban transgender people from the military, is vehemently anti-immigrant (legal and illegal), approved the Muslim ban and a plan to punish so-called sanctuary cities, and tore up net neutrality. His treatment of women is yet another strike against him.”
– Jennifer Rubin writes the Right Turn blog for The Washington Post, offering reported opinion from a conservative perspective. Follow @JRubinBlogger
Animal Advocates Up In Arms Over Llamas As Caddies
(Ridgway UPS) Members of the Colorado Butane Society and the ASPCACA are planning a demonstration to protest the use of llamas as caddies at a nearby golf course. The groups will stage a sit-in on Highway 62 on Saturday mornings during tourist season, Tuesday evenings during moose season and both Saturdays and Tuesdays during combined owl season. Coffee and brownies will be served.
“Imagine, if you will,” said Honey Melborne, of the highly flammable Butane group, “innocent llamas being forced to carry golf clubs around with only a drink of water and some oats for their trouble. It’s unfair! We abolished slavery in 1863!”
An unreliable source at a Cedaredge pro shop told the Horseshoe that a visibly disoriented Melborne got on the wrong bus in Boulder, back in June, headed west and has been hanging around Delta since then.
“The woman is nuts,” he said demanding animosity. “The llamas really enjoy their new chores here. Why do these people want to ruin it for them anyway?”
Melborne, who claims she is perfectly sane, says her group will keep up the pressure until they liberate the llamas.
“It’s bad enough the town allows llamas to tend bar and sell real estate,” she countered, “but the blatant use of llamas as pack animals is a crime against nature.” – Kashmir Horseshoe
Did you know…
“Gunnison was named after some drunk that abused the natives. Meeker was named after a twisted preacher who attempted to convert the Utes to the ways of the white man. Olathe was named after a town in Kansas after Chief Colorow fell from favor with the honkies. This is pathetic enough, but when one considers that Montrose was named after a minor character in a Sir Walter Raleigh novel the dirty laundry emerges. How could people be so lethargic what with all the great politicians and country & western celebrities to choose from.”
– Small Mouth Bess, in her book Misunderstood Small Towns of the American West
“If you don’t go to their funeral they won’t come to yours.”
-Yogi Berra
Passing the Buck a Luxury No More
The United States may have finally run out of bucks to pass according to a source in the Treasury Department who is familiar with these kinds of measures. After almost 250 years of pointing the finger, skirting the issues, placing the blame and scapegoating, the nation appears to have exhausted its supply of bucks to pass.
According to calm heads within the agency the crisis has been mounting for centuries then it exploded in the 80s and 90s when nobody seemed willing to take responsibility for anything. The demand soon outgrew the supply and we began importing our bucks.
By 2010 a serious trade imbalance had emerged threatening rationalization, honesty and integrity all over this great land. Now more half of all bucks consumed originated in foreign lands, leaving us woozy and depleted as well as culturally bankrupt.
“Does this mean people will have to look in the mirror?” asked one militant liability accountant at the Pentagon. “Does this mean our budgets will be scrutinized by independent committees? We have been performing well with other branches of the government. The whole rotting system supports even encourages the passing of the buck.”
While the most blatant buck passing is documented within federal walls, state and local leaders have been guilty of the practice too, saying that they often have no recourse due to decisions made by the higher ups in the chamber.
“But it is not fair, conclusive or rehabilitative,” said the source, “to blame these omissions and infractions solely on elected officials and their appointees when we have millions engaging in similar acts every day.
“Passing the buck is not like musical chairs or pin the tail on the honky, harmless games for children. This manifestation of chronic irresponsibility teamed with Me First thinking is pounding and ramming at the gates of our souls. Morality under siege because no one is willing to secure the castle gate.”
– Susie Compost
“Don’t have to think. Don’t need to choose. Just listen to my preacher and mainline Fox News.”
- from Song of Republicanus, 2018
Water Off at White House
Trump Rescinds Obama Era Edict on Toilet Seat Responsibilities
(Warshington) Service personnel and Administration collaborators arrived at a dry White House this morning in the midst of a torrential rainfall that closed golf courses and prevented lobbyists from getting to work in the nation’s capital.
The parched mansion’s faucets stopped flowing due to the actions of the local water utility. That public concern admitted to the disconnection saying that despite three late notices and several phone calls there had been no response from the White House.
“As is and has been our strict policy when dealing with deadbeats, we will turn the water back on when the bill has been satisfied.”
The municipal water source did not say whether a deposit would be required to insure continued service but did remark that this was the first time they had had to interrupt services to “a standing President that failed to put the seat down” since prohibiting Andrew Jackson’s jacuzzi use before and after the Trail of Tears way back in 1830.
Oddly the office of the EPA was flooded during the previous evening leading Congressional camp followers to demand a thorough investigation. Many said privately that it was a “clear act of sabotage by persons wishing to further embarrass the President.”
“Heads will roll,” exclaimed Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who also be high a dry these days.
Sanders has been out of the limelight after accusing her boss of textual harassment on more than one occasion in March. Although those charges have yet to be countered it is expected that she will be replaced by one of the President’s caddies, a graduate the Hearst School of Yellow Journalism at San Simeon, who is an ardent admirer of illustrious showman, P. T. Barnum.
The current Press Secretary, a graduate of Ouachita Baptist University (and Little Rock High) was forced to confirm that no one had been tagged with the periodic task of paying the White House water bill. What other duties, missions and daily responsibilities have been left unmonitored was muddled.
“If they can’t pay the phone bill each month what can we expect on follow-up domestic priorities and in the international arena,” asked Les Spine, a Democrat from the Provinces. “I can assure you that Russia, China, Iran, Turkey and yes Syria and North Korea each have paid phone bills due this month. I know because I did the research.”
Whether Huckabee would return to her Annie Get-Your-Gun ministry near bad-country-music-loving Branson, Missouri was not clear.
“It could have happened to any Administration,” she said, moving on the next question before it could be reviewed on instant replay. “The President is mentally fit,” she clamped down clumsily and out of context.
Concurrently Trump has threatened to hold back paychecks at the water department still headquartered in clammy, liberal Washington.
“No water –No checks!” was the despotic Trumpian retort, presented in familiar candor “becoming to this frightened, pampered bully” according to a slew of former employees.
Close aides — quick to remind their tufted idol that the people at the water office did not work for Trump Industries or the federal government — were quick to defuse the threat lest it be manipulated by the evil leftists at CNN or MSNBC.
This seemed to ease his tirade although the Commander in Chief flew into another self-induced spasm when told his television connection would be disconnected in the morning if funds were not received by the end of the workday.
Emergency water supplies have been forwarded and Marine helicopters will water the lawn starting Friday. All White House dependents are in the process of relocating to Trump International Hotel near Freedom Plaza. The American taxpayer is expected to cover for the undetermined tariff.
“All this because job descriptions were not made clear, said a Trump loyalist. “This is a unavoidable occurrence when we see such turnover.”
Detractors say the water bill thing is nothing compared to the diplomatic snafus coming down all over the world due to a dangerous marriage of arrogance and incompetence residing within the current gov’ment.
In other news President Trump has rescinded an Obama-era decree that calls for White House toilet seats to be returned to seating mode after use.
Saying that none of his female staffers were fence sitters on the issue, architects of the move suggested that indoor plumbing would become a thing of the past anyway soon to be replaced by the Dark Age privies of Plutocratic parlance.
-Fred Zeppelin
ROCK SOUP
New Rage: Canine tattoos – Subtle yet alarming! Non-Partisan! Tariff free! Say something to someone you love. Dag Katz, Auras and Firmaments, Pinkyville Armory.
Odor de Carne Perfume selling well in many South American cities. Franchises now available in U.S. and other emerging countries. Look for our colorful bottles where you buy tar and feathers.
According to a new directive from the Fascist Cartoon Coalition (FCC) everyone must have an Official Big Boy and Girl Journalist’s card to blog in 2019. Yes, we sell them here Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9 till noon. Please be advised that coffee breaks, branding sessions, flapjack competitions, field trips, weddings, employee parties, retirement celebrations, wine tastings, birthdays, surprise pregnancies, professional seminars, and early lunches take precedence over your silly attempts at creating lasting communique or heaven forbid, lasting literature. $99.99. Now go away.
Off- Season in Aspen! Cro-Magnon Ski Weak has been canceled due to conflicts with other special interests such as Thai Realtor Ski Week, Open-heart Surgery Survivors Ski Week, Pandora Double-wide Ski Week and Bad Decoupage Ski Week. We regret the interruption of our rituals dating back to the Druids and the Book of Kegs.
Gout sufferers get 20% off all Norwood motel accommodations through April. See our ad in the Jello Pages.
Genuine Salvation Army issue Apex Meatloaf conveyor. One owner. Was $7706, now haul it away for as little as $379. Also looking for elk foot manipulation device, antique coal-fired engine block heater and someone to work Sundays. Specializing in sun shoes and snow glasses. Motion For Motion and Lotion, Gunnison.
Aerial color photos of your ego! Inflation slightly extra. Colona Barnstorming & Supply.
FDA, the Future Deadbeats of America will be hosting a benefit dance for Minnie the Moocher followed by a field trip to Minnie’s jacuzzi. Everyone is invited.
Notice: March 7 is/was Polaski Day. You may have missed it again.
Now you can workout over the internet without all that time consuming sweat equity and commitment to regular routines. No trolls, clones or robots. For more go to www.workoutonline.org
Regain some sense of balance in your life by portraying famous Saturday morning cartoon characters at grocery store openings, barbecues, birthday parties, lynchings. Weekend work. Will train. Elmer Fudd Agency, Wimpton By-Pass.
Lose weight through exercise and a balanced diet. Too good to be true? Send $50 for complete program with easy to follow directions. Send cash only to Mother Cline Slides, 2121 Shriner’s Convention Way, Dysphagia, PA.
Is your dog or cat having trouble falling to sleep? Read them the San Juan Horseshoe. It’s chucked full of articles and features produced with pets, and all animals, in mind. Pick one up where you buy canned pet food room freshener.
Will the woman who purchased the Holy Grail at a weekend garage sale please call us and let us know who wrote the lyrics. We’re a rock and roll band and we need to learn some new songs. The Rectal Thermometers, Sapinero. PS: We need a bass player for this weekend. No zits or bad attitudes. Musical abilities forgiven.
The answer to our February Semantics Challenge is orgiastic carnival. Please hold onto your pink receipts. A winner will be announced on June 32.
Anyone possessing information regarding illegal sheep shearing operations in Montrose County should call the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Television before noon on Thursday. You may remain analogous. High level security clearance necessary to claim reward.
Attention hackers: tarzanandjane.com will be shut down until July 15. At that time we will restart as cheetahandjane.org. We regret any inconvenience that we have caused ourselves over this matter. Ungawa Google. No cell phones. No Irish.
Mercenaries/carpetbaggers needed to man heavy equipment as part of Mike Pence’s Invasion of Canada. The entire operation should last until the hockey strike is settled or until the entire Canadian National Health Care Program can be dismantled and hauled back across the border somewhere between Antlerand Lignite, North Dakota. Anyone wishing to secure hotel accommodations in Oxbow, Saskatchewan is encouraged to call the local chamber of commerce. Send resume to Toronto or New York offices in Indianapolis or just show up ready for work on May 15.
Lost: Family size tub of salsa near Ironton Park Transit System last Wednesday. If found please return to E. Muffin, c/o Rasta State Food Bank of Boulder.
Red: I checked the work release list for May and you’re not on it. Still want to take me to the prom? I get paid on the 15th – Happy.
Reasonably attractive Voronezh weight lifter seeks submissive male for field trips, possible dinner. American preferred. Blind Box 445, Voronezh, Russia.
Sick of credit card reps crashing your funeral? Pay before you go with IDIOT CARD. It’s simple: We take out the exact amount of money that we think you might spend per month and put it away for estate settlements, unforeseen medical bills, late in life barmitvahs and gambling debts. Offices in major cities worldwide and in Grand Junction.
Need someone to walk my plants while I’m in California for spring run-off. Nikkie at San Miguel Symbiotics.
Will the dashing mariachi bagpiper who stole my purse please return it to the Happy Face Meat Packing Plant before noon. I know you only borrowed it because it matched your kilts. I’ll buy you lunch – Baghdad Betty
Found: Expensive looking wedding ring. Still attached to left hand of large, ill-tempered woman who refuses anything that’s reasonable. Need the assistance of experienced surgeon. Will split take. Mack the Hack in Ridgway.
Learn to talk like someone from the north woods. $15. We bring the beer, you bring the fish – unless you can’t swim. Hurdy-hurdy. Terrell LaBatt.
Don’t miss The Lost Horizon performed live by the original cast during the Ides of May. For tickets and information call the Shagrila Theater in Pea Green.
Sick of all the hassles associated with bourgeoisie recycling and related mantras? Call Renaissance Man Refuse and we’ll sort your trash for you. That’s correct! In just four short days all your debris will be delivered back to your residence or business in handy, clean, compact, hermetically sealed little garbage bags ready for the recycling bin. Our rates are reasonable and our technicians are college educated. Why fool with messy recycling ever again! Renaissance Man Debris, Wimpton Bay Road.
For sale: Genuine backwards alphabet flash cards. Perfect gift for the drunk driver. Buy before June 1 and we’ll throw in a license and registration rolodex. Syd Farhd Enterprises, Delta, CO 81416.
FOR SALE: Heavy duty perambulator. Used only during the Cultural Revolution. Will trade for sleazy capitalistic rock and roll recordings in comparable condition. Jim Bob “Slim” Wong’s Trading Post, Manana.
Antique piano to give away. This baby may have seen action at Chancellorsville for all we know. We can’t stand to see it just sit here collecting dust humming a sick rendition of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”/”Dixie”. It won’t work with barbershop tunes but could be a fine addition to the parlor. Eats hay and oats but has a keen attraction to Dutch caviar when nobody’ around. Box 8, Horseshoe.
Schleswig-Holstein bull seeks mate for companionship, possible romance. No dairy cows. Send photograph and short bio to Alsace or Loraine, Colona Tenderloin.
Our locally grown hens lay humidor baseballs at the rate of about sixteen per nine innings. (Slightly more during night games.) Winner take all. Can be stewed too. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. Major Fields, Denver Bears.
One coconut…three Polynesian quasi-conversions. Can’t believe it? Send $25 and find out today!
Part-time organist needed. Send resume to Colorado Rockies. Prefer someone well versed in relief pitching analysis. Bud at Coors Field.
Communist Party Girls for any occasion. Some looking for rich, good looking men in fur hats. Phone Sexists welcome. Pravda Night Scene, Moscow.
Surrogate joggers needed to fulfill health fantasies of workaholics. Send recent times in the 440 and mile relay to Armageddon Athletics, Roadtown.
The state of Colorado is seeking bids for the acquisition and deployment of some 2000 gallons of that blue toilet stuff before tourist season. Rivers affected are as follows: The Gunnison (400 gallons), The Uncompahgre (300 gallons), The San Miguel (300 gallons), The Slate (150 gallons), The Animas (600 gallons), The Dolores (300 gallons). A successful summer tourist season starts with clean rivers and streams!
Telluride Time Tips by Tina will not be appearing this month as Tina is still busy getting her 2018 Christmas gifts in the mail. “The post office is so slow, you know,” said Tina.
Bagpiping enthusiast seeks potential mate familiar with a cappella performances sans kilt. Stable Charley at Buffalo Loins.
Don’t forget: May 25 is the final deadline for refunds from the 2017-2018 Unused Firewood Tax Credit Act. Stop by your local cornhouse for more.
FREE fertilizer. Well aged through the winter. Some believed to be lynx and bull moose. Silverton Town Park. Open dawn to dusk. Bring a bucket.
Scapegoat milk and cheese. Will deliver in county. Crossfire Farms. Located just north, west or south of the Montrose Airport runway.
The Gunnison County Association for Fallen Away Irishmen is holding its annual bake sale during National Tavern Month. Free pickled eggs, bean dip and a ride home with purchase over $50.
Druid folk tales analyzed by official looking persons in white coats and plastic stethoscopes filled with custard-like substance akin to menudo with braised haggis. Want to know more. Call the Plow and the Star Tavern, Cambridge, MA 02139.
Jane: I want to sleep with you in the desert tonight. You bring the cheesecake – Martin.
New proof: St Patrick goes perch fishing with Santa Claus, Kid Valentine and the Easter Bunny all summer.
Chronic Sandbaggers: Apply today for seasonal work in Gunnison, Delta and Durango. Bring a shovel, boots and that winning smile.
Beginning June 10 local police units will apprehend suspected enemies of the state for deployment to summer camps all across this great land. If you are an enemy of the state kindly be packed and ready to go by late June 1. If you do not know if you are an enemy of the state please call your local law enforcement cartel. Thanks.
PIZZA DELIVERY INDUSTRY LARGEST ON SLOPE
(Montrose) With more than 7,000 persons currently employed, the pizza delivery industry has overtaken agriculture as the number one industry on the Western Slope. According to recently released records, some 44,712 pizzas are delivered between Hiawatha and Pagosa Springs, placing the western half of the state 16th in national pizza consumption per capita, and the industry itself 20th in overall gross national product.
“That don’t count the pizzas that is picked up at the counter neither,” said one recent high school graduate enrolled in a local management program.
“I send the rockets up; where they come down is not my business.” – Werner von Braun
