All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Too Many Dogs in Butte

with Kitty Galore

Here in Crested Butte the overpopulated canine culture is certainly one to be reckoned with, and many of us think it is overdone. Everyone seems to have at least one dog. The reason is not clear, since dogs are one of the more annoying entities on the planet. Sure our family owns a dog. He’s a black lab mix named Spot. He’s worthless.

He’s always trying to get in or out, sometimes simultaneously. He’s clumsy and stupid. Imagine a cat chasing a tennis ball for hours or a pet snake bringing in the evening news. Asinine. I tend to avoid Spot unless he gets pushy. Then a well-landed slap across the snout does the trick. I can easily put him in his place without other family members recording the exercise, the true employment of justice.

Ask yourself: Would Crested Butte be a better place without all these mutts around? Sure, we have a leash law, at least on Elk Avenue, which results in yappy, hyper dogs tied up to everything from park benches to baby carriages. Cats don’t need leash laws. They police themselves and are not dumb enough to get caught by the pet patrol. They do their sneaking around at night not right there in broad daylight. In addition, cats bury their business. We don’t leave it lying around on the pavement for tourists to step over, or in, as the case may be.

And speaking of tourists: Dogs, especially larger dogs in the back of pickups, often frighten the daylights out of visitors. This can result in lost revenue for the town. It’s a fact: People who are even slightly uncomfortable spend less cash. Comfort zones are not reassured by aggressive canines growling from their owners jacked up chariots. Oh sure, puppies are popular with tourists, but puppies grow up to be dogs.

Our dog Spot wolfs his food, runs off for hours, sheds, gets up on the furniture, chews shoes, has hellish gas attacks, chases stock, barks incessantly and jumps up on people. He is impossible to train. He has no pride. He drools. Sometimes he sits in the back of our family pickup for hours upon end, waiting patiently to go who knows where. Other days he drags home part of a carcass or maybe a discarded mattress to tear up under the tree.

Last week I happened into the kitchen while another family member was attempting to feed the idiot. He was jumping all around as if he were about to partake in a feast of prime rib and lobster tails. Doesn’t the moron realize that he was getting only two cups of kibble with a splash? Doesn’t he get it? This is the same meal he has been eating for almost four years. What’s all the excitement about? After he has inhaled his food the kitchen floor needs to be sterilized, hermetically sanitized. And that’s after he stands in his dish to corner the last morsels.

When dinner is served for the rest of us we react in a civilized manner and eat slowly, chewing our food and making light conversation. Why rush through the meal? You can always go back to it, unless of course someone has left my tuna casserole or chicken hearts at dog mouth level. In this case the food is gone before the dog has even tasted it. What did you just eat, Spot? What? Eat? Sure.

I don’t eat his food, unless I am near starvation. Why can’t he respect my habits as well? And when was the last time he cleaned himself? Months. He comes into the house full of mud and snow. He’s all wet then shakes and leaves paw prints on the carpet. He smells like old newspapers that have been soaked in rotten eggs. I clean myself daily, sometimes twice daily, especially after dining. One of the larger family members is forced to give Spot a bath which is like trying to shave a water buffalo with a pick ax or castrate a rooster in the dark. What a scene. Spot really hates it, so I like to watch. The garden hose is my favorite instrument of torture. After he’s hit with it a few times he runs and hides under the car. Fool.

In closing I must mention my irritation with tourists. If I’m sitting on a wall, or up a tree and one of them sees me I yawn and close my eyes. If he/she wants to talk to me I listen but my response is subtle at best. Why do these two-legged creatures want to talk about? We don’t even know each other. If Spot were on the receiving line of the conversation he’d be a mess. He might even pee on himself in anticipation. Anticipation of what? Some mindless vocalization obsessing about the state of things in dog-land. I’ve watched it all. You might be surprised to find out how many people say hello to every dog they pass while ignoring their own species. Odd.

POSTAL WORKERS ON SABBATICAL

(Washington) After a flurry of activity over the summer some 40,000 postal workers will journey to Peru for a much needed rest. While relaxing in the South American country the workers will study the behavior of Peruvian postal workers, a group which rarely succumbs to stress.

In many remote Peruvian mountain areas the mail is often weeks late and some packages never arrive at all, but no one seems to mind. In fact, most of the natives there deliver their own mail.

“People in the United States are spoiled,” said one organizer of the trip. “We could learn a lot by observing postal practices in South America.”

Feds apologize for illegal raid

(Tuba City, AZ) Treasury agents say they’re “awfully sorry” about a mindless raid on the Knights of Columbus Bingo Pavilion here. After arresting several hundred bingo enthusiasts, the intruders finally determined that no laws had been broken, released all prisoners and vacated the premises.

“What if something illegal had been going on?” spouted Special Agent Wanda Wanna. “One can never be sure with wide open reservation gambling running amuck.”

The feds had apparently mistaken Tuba City for Mesquite, Nevada from the air. According to the architects of the assault Mesquite had been the original target since it is located closer to a four-lane highway.

“I had one little combination to go and I would have won over fifteen bucks,” said Evelyn “Grandma” Sumpump, of nearby Cow Springs. “I plan to sue the government for that figure plus gas money for emotional duress.”

The feds plan a surprise raid on Mesquite and the diluted “sin city” of Las Vegas next Friday, unless it rains.                          

-Mel Toole

OUTRAGEOUS REAL WORDS

A Quiz For Phonics Buffs

ABBOZZO

a. derogartoy term for a clown

b. a rough draft or sketch

c. an inconsiderate male

BILLABONG

a. a brand of drug paraphenilia

b. a collection agency that uses violent means

c. a pool formed by a backwater channel

DOXY

a. a double oxymoron

b. a prostitute

c. a brand of acne medication

FARD

a. to put on make up

b. having passed gas

c. feminine for “pard”

GERONTOCRACY

a. government by old people

b. bingo parlor ethics

c. Apache social structure in place in late 1900s

INGUSTABLE

a. non-distinguishable winds

b. prone to chronic indigestion

c. tasteless

OZOSTOMIA

a. movement of ozone

b. bad breath

c. disease affecting dairy cows

SPOFFOKINS

a. a whore pretending to be a wife

b. rude little creatures living under mushrooms

c. bits of satire gone awry

YEX

a. a positive curse

b. hiccup, cough

c. affirmative by speech-impaired

ZOILISM

a. study of exotic soils

b. credo of ancient Egypt

c. nagging criticism

ANSWERS TO WORD QUIZ: 1. b, 2. c, 3. b, 4. a, 5. a, 6. c, 7. b, 8. a, 9. b, 10. c

Visiting our Civil War battlefields

In recognition of the 150th Anniversary of several major battles in the American Civil War, Lake City residents Sam and Matilda Heartfelde traveled to Chancellorsville, Virginia; Vicksburg, Mississippi and Gettysburg, Pennsylvania to view the once heavily contested terrain. Little did they know that we installed a secret listening device in the ash tray of their Flexible Fleetwheel Lamsteed Kampkar so as to keep close tabs on their conversations for the three week trip.

Week One: Chancellorsville, Virginia.

We pick up the action upon the arrival of the Heartfeldes:

Matilda—“If Union general Hooker would not have been so hesitant and had showed some calm under fire  standing firm rather than  retreating to the confines of the town he might have easily defeated Lee who had already split his undermanned army and could not have had the punch to knock out an overwhelming force,”

Sam— “Nonsense. Hooker was simply being cautious and adopting a defensive position. Look at the Confederate casualties and you will see that he was right. The South may have won the day but at a terrible cost of men and supplies.”

Matilda—“You think that just because you caught a few History Channel segments you are some expert. It was my relatives who fought while yours bought their way out of inscription.”

Sam—”And that was probably the last honorable thing any of your worthless relatives accomplished since…

Matilda—My family fought a Celtic war for the glory of the South while yours hid behind mother’s apron just like you. I must have been out of my mind to marry a man who has no sense of history much less a sense of the present. I must have been mad to think I could spend three weeks on the road with an imbecile. You sleep on the pull out couch tonight.

Week Two: Vicksburg, Mississippi

Sam—”Sure is hot this morning.

Matilda—”No it isn’t. It’s balmy for this neck of the woods.

Sam—The thermometer on the camper says 95 and its not even noon.

Matilda—That thing isn’t accurate. I told you not to buy the cheap one. What’s up with the air-conditioning? It doesn’t seem to be functioning.

Sam—Oh I forgot to refill the freon. I figured we could rough it for a few days in honor of the men who fought here.

Matilda—What a stupid idea. Don’t ever do that without asking me first.

Sam—According to this map the siege began in May and six weeks later the Rebels surrendered giving the Yankees control of the Mississippi and effectively splitting the South in two.

Matilda—History always looks simple to simple minds. You just love to hear yourself talk, don’t you. Your knowledge of this battle could fit inside a bottle cap and your choice of campsites is particularly annoying. Look how far we are from the bathrooms.

Sam—But we’re self-contained

Matilda—In your dreams. You forgot to flush the system and it’s backed up, moron. I’m spending the night in a hotel and far away from you.

Sam—Good. I won’t be here when you come back.

Week Three: Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

Matilda— If Lee would have adopted a more defensive position from day one he might have won a victory instead of having the high-tail it back home.

Sam—Maybe,

Matilda—What do you mean Maybe? It’s clear that charging into a fortified position with fewer troops is a recipe for military disaster.

Sam―Not always.

Matilda: Oh, I see you’re still pouting from Vickburg.

Sam—I am not pouting. II’ve never pouted in my life. If I did it wouldn’t be over the likes of you. I’m just tired of listening to you go on about things you don’t understand. I’m sick of the way you dress. Your food stinks, you wear to much makeup and you snore.

Matilda—You’re one to talk. You scurry around in those bib overalls with that stupid Rockies’ hat, with chew spilling out the side of your mouth. You never had the least bit of ambition and your dog is worthless.

Sam—Your dog ran away.

Matilda—No she didn’t. You purposely ran her over with the car.

Sam―That’s not true. I was watching out for your mother in the driveway when that dog started yapping…

Matilda—Don’t blame my mother for this. She was right about you. No backbone. No integrity. The poor woman has been depressed ever since I married you.

Sam—Why don’t you just shut up and watch the battle reenactment. Maybe a stray bullet will find you and I can enjoy the rest of my life in peace.

Matilda—Why must you be so hateful. Oh no…look at the gas gauge. You forgot to get gas! We’ll be stranded.

Sam—There’s enough gas to get back to town. If not you can walk in for fuel. Maybe you’ll shed a few pounds in the process.

Sam and Matida will present a slide show of their wonderful trip at the Lake City Armory this fall.

KNYK Radio on Air

A Real Slap in the Face

(Pea Green) KNYK FM Radio “24 Hours of Three Stooges” hit the airwaves this morning with a bang, presenting vocal productions of both The Woman Haters (1934) and Half Wits’ Holiday (1947), backed by a rogue format with snippets of news and commentary. The station name (pronounced nyuk or nayuck running the n and the y together) comes from a familiar one-syllable expression common to the character Curly (of the Stooges) who nailed down countless  classic performances over his short-lived career.

Supported on stage by Larry and Moe, Curly’s antics covered the gamut from the curly shuffle to the popular pliers to the nose/fingers deep to the eye sockets routine. Although graphic in presentation the station’s operators feel that there is enough crazy audio in the films to pull off the project.

“We soitenly intend to make a profit and think there are enough people out there with nothing better to do than listen to the sounds of the Three Stooges,” said Shep Sheperdson, sales director. “Although the Stooges were never popular as a radio program, like Amos and Andy or Jack Benny we feel that their appeal reaches across medium lines as well as generational lines. Besides, commercial radio programming is far more annoying than round-the-clock Stooges episodes. If you don’t agree, smack me in the face with a pipe wrench or bop me on side of the head with a sledge hammer.”

Businesses wishing to advertise on KNYK will find a staff with a wealth of knowledge on not only the Stooges themselves, but on such often elusive subjects as gonzo hair styles for men, comedic violence and the trendy fashion common to the trio.

“Our presentations will not be canned or recreated,” said Sheperdson. “They will be exclusive pieces from the films themselves along with jingles, background music and of course the sound effects that made the movies so well loved. Hey Moe…Hey Moe…stick a claw hammer up my nose.”

Sheperdson thinks the station will have immediate benefits for younger listeners in that the adventures of the Stooges might show them a different way to view life.

“You don’t see these boys messing with drugs or questioning our government, do you?” asked Sheperdson. “They just go about the business of drilling each other with jackhammers as in My Sister Eileen (1942) and surviving in a harsh world that may not always understand them. What’s important is that they get up every day and embrace it all…the good…the bad…the ridiculous.”

We would now like to take ten seconds so that our readers can identify themselves. THIS IS KNYK RADIO – 24 HOURS OF THREE STOOGES!

– Melvin Toole