All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Rejected Explanations for Jamal Khashoggi’s Murder
(Istanbul UPS) Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has repeatedly denied knowledge of and involvement with the recent death of a Washington Post reporter Jamal Khashoggi. The journalist went missing after entering the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul on October 2. It is believed that he was assassinated by a 15-man Saudi Security team sent to Turkey for that draconian purpose. Here at home President Trump has denied evidence much like he denies that climate change brought on by humans.
“The Prince Salman would never lie about something like this,” said Sheik Sushi Tuna, former director of security in Riyadh. “He has already rejected some of the more likely scenarios relating to the alleged murder of Mr. Khashoggi. We suggested he might have fallen down the consulate stairs or maybe slipped in the shower,” Tuna continued. My colleagues and I then suggested that he was hit by falling debris in that the old consulate is always under some kind of construction. My chauffeur, who has a medical background, thinks the victim experienced a heart attack while resisting authorities.”
Abdul “Mickey” Trout, a Saudi fishmonger and animal behaviorist in Yemen, echoed the concerns and frustrations of the Kingdom saying that a rabid camel probably mauled Khashoggi.
“Many camels still harbor resentment over the results of the competition and the accompanying Botox scandal,” smiled Trout. “Some have embraced violence.”
King Abdulaziz, producer of this year’s Camel Festival in Rumah had no comment on these developments.
“The signs are there: the struggle, the breakage, the camel hair,” Trout continued. “If not a rogue Dromedary then it must have been a fast traveling flu that he picked up in Turkey. This whole mess could not have had anything to do with the Crowned Prince who was over in Jersey playing the casinos at the time of the incident.”
Other Saudi diplomats were quick to suggest that Khashoggi stabbed himself in the back 45 times or fell into a well. Most say he had terrorist links and was tainted by his time in the United States.
“Khashoggi? Isn’t that a Polish dumpling?” asked a Trump spokesman.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
ROCKY CHOWDER
SERVICES OFFERED Will put down your old tractors. Quickly, effectively, painlessly. Big Foot Farms, River Road, Olathe. Know someone growing illegal mistletoe? The DEA is paying top dollar for information leading to the indictment of these criminals in your own backyard. Once we fill the prisons with these people we can achieve full employment and true utopia through government control. Huzzah!
Maternity ensemble once worn by Madonna’s mother. General Delivery, Hollywood.
Wanted to buy: I LOVE GUNS. I really love guns. I like the way they feel in my hand and the noise they make when fired. I love guns about as much as I love storm trooper boots and starched collars. Let me buy your guns – Quentin Dink, Wimpton Police Cadet Lounge.
Drug Lord Appliances from $50! These nearly new washers, dryers, microwaves and more. Were confiscated from suspected drug lords in Florida and Texas. Some rust and avocado. Also seized refrigerators, freezers, swarthy futons, anarchistic toasters, revolutionary ranges and rough air conditioners. January Special: Poblado Dishwasher: $45. See at Zero Tolerance Appliances. We’re winning the War on Drugs. You’ll see.
Turn your food processor into a word processor by the application of simple pickle down economics. Dial 34.
Nearly new forehead weights perfect for the mental giant or the thinking athlete who seeks to improve his/her mind. Margot Rotweiller at the Horseshoe.
Brainless parrots needed to throw gasoline on the bonfire of crime in urban America. Send picture of hair, recent tape and description of on-the-air experience to Star Search, KBLO-TV, Denver, Colorado 80207.
ARE YOU employed in the Department of Agriculture? Rehabilitation is available. With your cooperation and our expertise we can have you flipping burgers by spring – Your Federal Government.
Trouble getting through doors? Sign up today for our innovative program “Aerobics at Night”. This patented workout is conducted after dark with the lights out so as to avoid the embarrassment often associated with those first few days of physical activity. The only thing on is the music and the tiny reflective monitor on your instructor’s naval. Be a new you in 2019.
Are you easily persuaded by pseudo-religious ranting and raving? Do you like to be told how to live? Is the rumor of the hereafter more important than your current treatment of your fellow man on earth? Do you fear anyone with new ideas? We can use a few, good moralizing Americans to help us gain control of this country and turn it into the oligarchy that our forefathers intended it to be. Send for more information today. Coloradans for Family Values, Taliban-Cromwell Complex, Colorado Springs, CO.
Will pay top dollar for dirty postcards, dirty dishes, dirty fingernails, and some dirty thoughts. Vulture Dentures, Wimpton Mall.
MEL’S MEATS is looking for a responsible cleaning person for busy slaughterhouse operation. No Communists. The job is quite easy since Mel’s Meats has no windows or stairs. We are part of the heralded Fun Employment Sham Concept and pay minimum wage with no benefits. We have no maternity leave or daycare either. Vegetarian preferred. Come around to the back door before noon weekdays.Ask for Ms. Whitewash.
Hijackers needed for weekend projects in the Caribbean. Mechanical aptitude helpful. Must speak recognizable Spanish and English. Rubric Cuban, Santiago de Cuba.
What’s all this about ending the reign of the Bureau of Reclamation? Then what? Has everything really been reclaimed already? For more write Department of Suburban Asphalt and Smog, I-25, Denver, CO.
Saxophone engineer. Part time. Good pay. Could lead to full time position in Presidential Cabinet or White House Symphony. See Conductor on Pennsylvania Avenue before it’s too late.
Needed: Have Aberdeen semen, frozen direct from Scotland. Seeking heifers of fine standing. Thawing rapidly. Spring’s on the way. Meltdown eminent. Contact Gus at the Fern Chuckwagon.
The Haywire Ranch Irrigation College is now accepting students for the winter semester. Prerequisite includes sturdy shovel and some knowledge of childish civil engineering. Send transcripts c/o Dr. G. R. Lovingood, Director, School of Body Chemistry.
Lost: Small white male. Finders Keepers…Louella Parsimmons, Olathe. Will trade Harley parts for large, useable crutches. Matawan of Whitewater.
FOR SALE: Rare fountain pens used by George and Boris to sign nuclear arms pact in Moscow back a ways. On display at Team Ink. Serious inquiries only.
Hard charging corporate type wheeler-dealer who can turn his/her head needed to change tires at busy adverting agency. Good prospects for the person who can remember who drinks what in their coffee and who likes mustard, mayo, rye, white…Get it? So can you! We are a politically correct agency because it’s trendy and we all wear suspenders, even on weekends. Mortsern, Hamill and Glick, Rat Mill Pike.
Final Warning: Anyone caught with a Christmas tree still up after February 1 will be punished – E. Scrooge, Dogbreath Village.
Does your conscience often bother you? Do you lay awake at night unable to sleep? Surgery is now available. Qualm Surgical Group, Indian Massacre Highway and Wimpton Clinic.
Announcing: The First Annual DesPlants Family Reunion at the Delta County Jail on February 24-27. Bring proof of heritage, parole or release papers and covered fish. Accommodations will be provided. For more call Enselmo DesPlants at the jail.
Great Pyrenees-Chihuahua mix. Could turn out to be great smeller or speller. Ready to go on New Year’s Eve about 3:15 pm. Wanda’s Dogs and Things, Almont. Work right at home.
Night auditor needed to keep track of waste for federal government. Great pay and benefits. Proof of citizenship and familiarity with pocket calculator important. Must be able to translate from government abbreviations to English. Send brief resume to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Director of Diversion and Snow Plows, Washington DC.
Need: Happy people to operate solar car wash for wealthy man. Minimum wage plus keep 100% of tips. Contact Western Colorado Coalition for the Preservation of Minimum Wage, Montrose, CO.
Keep your cowpoke on the right range with Mel’s Cowboy Chastity Belts. Buy one before Valentine’s Day and we will give you a monogrammed snuff can lid for your wrangler’s ensemble. Darkroom Acres.
Will pay top dollar for original Iraqi jokes. Slim at the Fern Chuckwagon Dance Hall in Mancos. Bad Cowboy Poets always in demand at the Fern Chuckwagon. Call Slim.
HEREFORD-POODLE MIX PUPS. Should be excellent cow dogs. Slim at the Fern Chuckwagon in Tail Town.
Diluted and edited naughty perfume ads. Set of 40 videos for $100. Box 99999, Horseshoe.
NEW PROOF: Ronald Reagan almost voted for Bill Clinton back in 1992. Those voting booths get more confusing every year, don’t they! We’ll fix it in 2020. Ya sure.
Let Eddie Murphy teach your kids how to attain fame and riches through vulgarity. Send foul-mouthed tape to Alternate Education Systems, 1200 Brown Cloud Way, Commerce City, CO.
It’s time to enact the death penalty for environmental terrorists. Let’s start with the bosses over at Rocky Flats. They dumped toxic waste into the water and plutonium into the soil. If we’re serious about preserving what’s left of this planet let’s set a precedent for the future. Write your Congressman today and demand satisfaction. They (the Congress) will do anything to stay on the gravy train until the next election. For more information send SASE to Ecological Mercenaries of America, Toronto, Ontario.
POWER FORWARD desperately needed for NBA franchise in Rocky Mountain region. Travel a must. Swing shift. Send resume to Denver Nuggets.
Will purchase Ramblin’ Jack Elliot instrumentals for market price. Call Ramblin’ Jack Elliot at Talagi’s in Boulder.
Thinking about getting a flattop? We specialize in cranial excavation, refinishing, frontal irrigation, weekend lobotomies and related services. Let us prepare your head for the barber/stylist. Industrial Coiffures. We’re Blonded.
Phony Resumes. Dial 56 and hold it. KARAOKE SALON now open in Montrose. You move your mouth we move the scissors. Perms available on cassette and compact disc. Appointments available right now!
Looking for experienced bass player for Washington DC jazz combo. Gifted economist or liberal philanthropist preferred. Call Mike at White House Investments.
Alliterate poets needed for new magazine concentrating on the letter “r”. Send manuscripts to Robert de Frost c/o Gothic Aquatic Center before February 15.
RED: Forget all the philosophizing about whether the glass is half empty or half full. You’re glass seems to be empty far too often. You are a lush. Happy Birthday – ANDREA.
Will spike Christmas trees for small fee – I. M. Hipp Hugger, Water Diversion Project Ave., Wimpton.
Frackin’ Freddie’s will purchase sturdy lawn and leaf bags. Call Ms. Toxic at our Jefferson County Purchasing Office today!
Get your very own Akpatok Mink Coat before the species is totally extinct! That’s correct! A beautiful Akpatok Mink from the shores of Ungava Bay. $6500 plus postage. Also baby seal serapes, gorilla hand ash trays, ivory cigarette holders and more. Scum Importers, Cape Chidley, Newfoundland. “Where Western European traditions are alive”.
Ted Cruz attempts to distance himself from Ted Cruz
On the heels of a near defeat in the Texas Senate race Ted Cruz has announced he is distancing himself from Ted Cruz. The almost upset by El Paso Congressmen Beto O’Rourke appears to have left the incumbent reeling, although close aides deny there is any change in the Cruz agenda.
“This is the first we’ve heard about Ted distancing himself from himself,” stressed one longtime campaign executive. “Senator Cruz is the same old Ted and after a close election anyone has a right to some down time.”
Other supporters called the win a mandate saying that the voters of Texas had spoken. Democrats and Independents have taken offense to the use of mandate and say they’ll be back in 2020 in full regalia after the fine showing by O’Rourke in what has been an ultra-red state since civil rights legislation became law in the Sixties.
Cruz, who pretended to be friends with Donald Trump during the election, had no comment on what experts say is questionable maneuvering and blatant attempts to disassociate from anyone or anything detrimental to the advancement of his political future. Many say Cruz has no ideology whatsoever making it more difficult to project his self-serving moves.
“Those commies and liberals just want to hurt a good man,” said a former Trump ally from jail. “The evangelical vote says it all. It’s amazing how those preachers play the pulpit in a tax-free environment. Their sheep bent over and cast a vote for the GOP once again.”
The practice of distancing oneself from oneself is a whole new frontier according to social scientists that further concluded that Cruz does not have the wherewithal to operate at half-mast.
“The man has the personal warmth and integrity of a wharf rat,” said one supporter. “Ted’s smart all right but in a sick sort of way but split personalities that have plagued him in the past may come to his rescue this time around.
Meanwhile the man who former House Speaker, John Boehner loved (“I have never worked with a more miserable SOB in my life.”) is still swilling at the trough, leading the privileged life, watching the polls.
“Despite his personal appeal, Cruz will run for president again,” continued the jailed Trump booster. “Voters have short memories, even when it comes to carpetbaggers and fake Christians.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Whitaker to play lead in Manchurian Candidate
(Hsinking) Acting Attorney General Mathew Whitaker will join a cast of thousands in the Christmas presentation of The Manchurian Candidate it was disclosed today.
The play, set during the Cold War, chronicles the lives of sleeper agents sent by North Korea to disrupt two-party politics in the US. The brainwashing scenes are magnificent while the stage lights amplify the already stunning array of Fifties’ fashions such as massive overcoats and boxy accessories.
This is the first performance by the little known Whitaker who rose to prominence as a candidate for several major offices in the state of Iowa. Later he represented World Patent Marketing, a fraudulent invention promotion firm shut down by the FCC for deceiving consumers, many of who were US military veterans.
He will be joined on stage by former Attorney General Jeff Sessions who will play Jupiter, a former POW during the Korean War who had once undergone surgery to become a chorus girl in Pusan. Retired House Majority Leader Paul Ryan has been penciled in to appear as a talking rat in all but one nude scene filmed on board the USS Elon Musk, in the Sea of Japan.
“Sessions brings a little light into an otherwise dark period in our history,” said director Hector Mongol whose resume includes such standout films and plays as “Gutless of Guilty”, “The Huckabee Hillbillies” and the epic play “Nancy Pelosi is Coming to Your House for Christmas”.
“I like the clever racist asides cracked by the little elves coming back to the prison camp at the end of the workday,” said Mongol. “Comic relief, often awkward, comes at the expense of the non-European extras bused in every day from the Yalu Valley.
The producers of the Yuletide presentation hope that President Trump will attend along with Mississippi’s favorite daughter, Cindy Hyde-Smith in tow.
-Tommy Middlefinger
More “Ain’t No Tommyknockers”
continued from a past embrace
and that’s when they made that final, inevitable stand…right there at the north end of the bar.
“I’ll not be movin’ to accommodate some damn mole of a fairy,” said Seamus, landing one in an unassuming spittoon. “Besides, I have claimed this bar room in the good name of Daniel O’Connell, the uncrowned King of Ireland.”
To the amazement of many in town, Seamus also claimed to be a leprechaun.
And that, according to local liars and their henchmen, is how the whole mess escalated. The folks up Catholic Hill felt obliged to support the chatty little person in green. After all, who had kept the banshee at bay and repaired the shoes of their little children?
“It’s that damn Seamus again, tattled the town drunk, Michael Finnegan, a non-practicing Presbyterian. “They’ll be a fracas if he isn’t stopped.”
The new town marshal, Jim Clark, whose mother hailed from County Wicklow, told Seamus to shut up and go home.
And where was that Dempsey kid tonight?” quipped the leprechaun. “Jack Dempsey at 20 has already had several professional fights on the East Coast. He had recently returned to Telluride for a break from the ring. Right now he was walking through the bar room door as Seamus kept right on talking and sipping from the shots that had been bought for him by the much entertained patrons.
“He’d better stay clear of my bar,” he menaced, “or I’ll bloody his nose for him.”
Then he turned around face-to-face with the boxer.
“Jack, my darlin’ squeaked the wormy Seamus from behind his flood of alcohol. “Come and take a drink with me. Were taking the town back from the Tommyknockers. I was just now speaking of you…”
Leprechauns have been known to protect humans that they like, while causing problems for those that they did not appreciate. Dempsey, having been brought up with the slooa shee, albeit with Mormon influence, was well aware of the power that lurked within the dwarfish stature.
“I’ll pass on drinking dirty dish water with you,” said Dempsey figuring Seamus’ tastes had not improved since the last time the two had locked eyes.
“Oh you’re not drinking whiskey? Buy my friend a lager,” he said to the bartender. “I’ll be running things around here soon and I’d like your blessing. When we rid ourselves of the Tommyknockers the deenee shee can once again go about their sacred business of saving civilization without interference.”
Both of them now took a pull on their drinks, made comments about the dust and the hard work, and then Seamus spoke up.
“So I guess what I’m asking, Jack, is are you for us or against us? We need you with us to pull this off. Otherwise,” he winked in the direction of the men at the bar, “we’re gonna have to rough you up. Now you don’t want to mess up those Sunday go to meetin’ duds you so fondly
– Dermott McGinty
Continued out back come spring
WAL-MART MOVING TO CHINA
Bentonville to Beijing
( Montrose) Wal-Mart Corporation is relocating its entire executive complex to Mainland China. The move, announced this morning, is seen as an attempt to get closer to the source of consumer goods sold in the mega stores all over the world.
A vast majority of the products sold by Wal-Mart are made in China.
“We will still wave American flags and greet our customers in English, at least in the US for the time being.,” said a Wal-Mart executive who linked trade deficits with global warming and devil worship.
Controlled jubilation dominated the skyline in the Chinese capital this morning as the news became public. Despite the fact that only a handful of active consumers exist in China the embrace of Wal-Mart was seen as a matter of national pride.
“We don’t intend to go retail right now since our Chinese allies don’t want to see a lot of empty noodle shop storefronts in downtown areas, continued the executive. “We will move in slowly at first gaining the trust of the Chinese consumer, then we will pull the carpet out from under them just like we did in the good ol’ USA.”
The Wal-Mart headquarters will be located in Tiananmen Square next to the 3000-foot high statue of Sam Walton erected by the Chinese after viewing the firm’s sales figures from 2016. Twenty-thousand Chinese serfs are currently constructing the offices. Each floor will feature a McDonalds outlet, which accepts only US dollars.
Meanwhile back in the USA hungry shoppers still flood Wal-Mart parking lots while their communities fall deeper into despair. Offers to sell US goods in the prospective Wal-Mart retail stores in China were not taken seriously since manufacturing has been shipped off to Latin America.
“For an American the one most unpatriotic act, short of offering aid and comfort to al Qaeda, is shopping at Wal-Mart,” said one consumer advocate. “This is not buying local…even if you live next door. Yet the same idiots that scream about the loss of American ideals and the weak economy shop there. They show up every day of the year wagging their crippled credit cards behind them.”
Economists are baffled by the move saying that burgeoning Hong Kong is a far better fit than is stoic Beijing.
“It sure can’t be the clean air,” said one embassy official. “We have no official position on the matter for fear of offending the Chinese.”
Unreliable sources over at the US State Department say lower level US Wal-Mart employees will be forced into reeducation camps or executed.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
