All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Canadian Geeks Seen in Local Skies
(Cimarron) Schools of Canadian Geeks can be seen in our skies this time of the year as they make their way north from winter stomping grounds in Arizona and California. Interested bird watchers can view the species in the early morning and at dusk as they search for patches of Canadian thistle, a main source of protein in the geeks’ otherwise junk food diet.
The Canadian Geek can be easily identified by the novice observer as he often dons bright, clashing attire and punctuates his sentences with an inquisitive “Eh?” When in larger formations the geeks are known to honk uncontrollably for reasons known only to the flock.
Nature enthusiasts are warned to avoid approaching these birds during ice hockey season as they often become aggressive and are prone to fist fighting. The annual migration of these geeks is generally completed by the completion of the Stanley Cup competition, a popular culinary event which celebrates excellence in Canadian cooking through the ages.
OTRA APOLOGIA DEL GROPPO
Nos hemos cansado de extender estas disculpas estacionales a Groppo el Elfo y su batería de abogados, pero en el espíritu de los días festivos llegaremos a lo más profundo y trataremos de desordenar algunas plumas una vez más.
En primer lugar, vamos a aclarar las cosas. La breve pieza que apareció en la edición de noviembre sobre la herencia de Groppo fue, sin duda, de mal gusto. Además, realmente no teníamos fotografías del elfo con ganado local, aunque nos aseguraron que ese era el caso. Las huellas, como parece, desaparecieron la noche antes de que se pusiera fin a este problema y nos vimos obligados a sustituir una historia sobre el difamado esfuerzo de Spar City y algunas imágenes en color de Melvin Toole que colgaban las luces navideñas. de nuestras muchas prisiones locales.
Las referencias repetidas al abuso de alcohol de Groppo se presentaron fuera de contexto para no poner en peligro la reputación de los ciudadanos locales que, en la mayoría de los casos, parecen ser capaces de manejar tres hojas al viento sin incidentes. Las implicaciones de que la estatura física y la capacidad mental de Groppo son el resultado de su dieta de escarabajos bombarderos, twinkies y pasto de pantano digeridos mientras crecía en Kenner, Louisiana, es cierta. Esta acusación se puede verificar hablando con el dietista del elfo.
Además, los intentos de cobrar daños de esta publicación por parte de la familia de Groppo son infundados e ilegales. Nunca dijimos que su familia inmediata era solo drogadicta, que los habitantes actuales de su árbol genealógico eran drogadictos y drogadictos. Tampoco dijimos que eran alcohólicos, ya que la mayoría son borrachos de vestuario y su comportamiento público, aunque sospechoso, no puede ser registrado.
No importa todo eso. Vamos a dar la mano y parte como amigos, Groppo. Después de todo, realmente no eres peor que la mayoría de nosotros, especialmente cuando se ve a través del filtro de color rosa de la Yuletide.
– Editor
Late Hibernation Going as Planned
(Placerville, CO) The annual mammal hibernation, staid and migratory, is going quite well this year. With just a week left in the season some 95% of fur-bearing animals are either asleep or dozing.
Although most biologists confirm that the driving force for the great sleep is instinctual some suggest that fatigue, boredom and lack of hunting options play a major role in the behavior. Bears and other larger species often exhibit symptoms common to other control groups when it comes to the stress of the summer and fall periods in the forest.
The bear are exhausted trying to fill their immense bellies on tiny berries and roots while carnivores complain that the prey has all but vanished on icy slopes and frigid woodlands in the Rockies. Underneath feet of snow life is not all that exiting either.
“They might just as well sleep,” said one Forest Ranger who plans to stay awake for the winter. “Somebody has to watch place. Even in an emergency it is no walk in the park to wake up a dreaming black bear.”
United States Forest Service and the Colorado Fish and Game officials are taking most of the credit for the smooth transition. Increased signage in the woods, easy access to caves, decrease human presence following hunting season and information leaflets dropped in the high country have contributed to an effortless hibernation this year.
This has not always been the case. Before the USFS leapt onto the scene in the 19th Century it was chaos. Confusion and dread lead to anger and violence when food was scarce and caves were contested.
“Some bear actually wandered over the mountain to see what they could see and all that,” said the ranger. “We are the wards of these creatures and we intend to steer them correctly, even if it means a new toothbrush, warm pajamas and, yes, that drink of water in the middle of February.”
– Paula Parvenu
Letters to the editor
Letter policy: No unsolicited correspondence will be accepted after business hours. All E-mail and letters undressed to our lower editor will be turned over to the top dog for further examination. Absolutely no material will be returned. No emails will be acknowledged, much less answered in the order that they were received. Writer’s guidelines are not for public consumption. All checks will be cashed upon receipt. All cash will be abruptly seized and used to buy gifts for concubines. Services pending.
Dear Editor:
What recent bill, signed by the President and denounced by over 90% of Americans surveyed, allows for expanded/unlimited corporate ownership of media by rich contributors to the Madison and Monroe campaign, and smells like carp? Why do these groups want to control all the information fed to the public? Does this mean Grand Junction TV news will improve? How can I write so pretty and still keep slaves? Why was there no mention of these goings-on until after the bill was signed into law? You have until November of 2020 to answer.
Thomas Jefferson
From The Great Beyond
To the Editor:
Your recent critique of the Ouray Sewage Treatment Plant was unfair and brutal. Why just the other day the city approved its own drinking fountain water. If you would do your homework you would find that the aroma common to a small radius of the septic/sewage infrastructure is organic. Isn’t organic what all you new age liberals want? Your suggestion that the city burn incense in the area or give away clothes pins (for noses) is insensitive. You’re probably afraid of cow turds too. Melvin Toole
City of Ouray
Dear General Horseshoe:
We don’t understand why the air-conditioned Super Wal-Mart, recently erected in Kabul offends the Muslim element there. Where is their sense of global consumerism? Hardly anything in here is made in the USA. Don’t they want to buy worthless things cheaper? Is it because we have already put all the tribal ma and pa kiosks and markets out of business? Don’t they appreciate sweat shop designer clothing? C’mon, it’s policy to frisk all suspected Arabs at the front door and then sell prayer rugs at 50% off! Was it that Taliban rummage sale that set them off?
We plan a brand new store in Baghdad and one for Tehran next year. K-Mart can have North Korea–They don’t have any money anyway. We know the Afghanis love the chicken, the burgers, the chemical pizza and the tacos. Why are they so displeased with us?
Saddam Walton
Lawhore Pakistan
To the editor:
In a recent issue you listed a roster of effective aphrodisiacs easily found in the Rockies. Some, like the aspen leaves and the freckle tree bark seem easy enough to acquire while the bear tongue and sugar beet blossoms could involve some further research. My question is this: Can I buy these things on-line? I realize you suggest a hike through the forest but I’m reluctant to go out of the house due to possible immigrant attacks. PS: How will I know if any of your sensual remedies take?
Margot Rotweiller
Arvada, CO
Dear Editor:
For decades my daddy and his company polluted the planet, exploited the poor, experimented on animals, sub-divided farmland, and then, the day before his retirement, absconded with his employee’s pension funds and ran off with the pool man. According to his last email he is now pimping time shares in Guatemala City.
Now, thanks to a healthy trust fund I’m living here in beautiful Telluride but I’m not happy. I want to be a political activist like all the celebrities around me. I’d do anything to make up for the sins of my father.
Maybe I could send some grain to Africa, reintroduce timber wolves to San Miguel County, bankroll a couple of scholarships for the underprivileged, rescue some kitties from the pound, bail out a bankrupted airline or ship medical supplies to Iraq. Can you recommend a trustworthy broker/money manager?
I have this morning free to make amends but later in the afternoon I have to take my Range Rover to Montrose for a tune-up. Tomorrow it’s a pedicure and tennis lessons. Thursday my dog is scheduled for grooming and Friday the caterers are coming. Then, over the weekend I have a hot date with a member of a fashionable minority group. On Sunday I fly to Grand Junction to go shopping. Monday is my polo night. Maybe we could just meet for lunch next October.
Quite Sincerely
Radical Sister
Mountain Village
Dear General Horseshoe:
The 30,000 Ted Cruz masks that you had us send to El Salvador have been stolen. The police say they were scaring the fish but we were making great strides with them. Do you know how much a bag of tacos costs down here? Hal Burton
Resurrection Oil
Laramie, WY
Dear Editor:
Congratulations on your recent editorial decision to combine your editorial and obituary pages. The entire department is now more concise, organized and meaningful. Hell, with any luck you might save a cyber space tree or two in the process. Greetings too from my Uncle Earl who still thinks your writing sucks.
Rupport Murdoch
Perth
How to filet a baguette
Figure # 1
Well then, it appears you can catch something besides a cold! That’s a nice five-pounder you got there. (Figure # 1) Now it’s time to filet your treasure, discarding flour bones, grain entrails and embarrassing glutton anal fins. Fortunately, it’s not too complicated a process and takes only minutes from stream to frying pan. You’ll need a flat surface, good light, a sharp filet knife and a steady hand (some prefer mesh gloves).
Figure #2
First: Wash your baguette. I know that sounds stupid but the thing has not exactly been living in the water. Humor me on this easy step to gourmet dining in the woods or on the patio. If you are performing this cleaning feat riverside you can throw most of the waste back into the water since baguette are ravished cannibals and enjoy a break from common bait.
(Figure # 2) Hold baguette firmly on surface with consistent weight on knife blade. Make incisions at crust gills and trim these lean fins. The cuts will allow better penetration when the filet sweep is engaged. Trim carefully so as not to waste edible parts. (It’s far less messy to do this outside near where you hauled in the catch.)
Figure # 3
(Figure # 3) Gut your prize. Slowly run filet knife along the stomach from top to bottom. Make sure to compete the pattern to get everything all the way down to the rear fins. It could get dusty at times. Discard all excess. You are now ready to trim the filets.
Figure # 4
A smooth motion down both sides of the baguette will insure clean, pretty filets that will be a cinch to prepare. Hold the baguette firmly and cut without interruption. For mackinaw baguette it might be helpful to use a large table and machete and ask a fellow angler to pin the baguette. Now run the knife along the skin (Figure #4) to scale the baguette. Do not peel skin.
Now you have a fine filet. Serve with olive oil, butter, salami and yes, fish.
– Earl MacAdoo
Links for all seasons
A fantasy foursome loads its clubs and takes off for the first tee. They are Donald Trump, Nancy Pelosi, Vladimir Putin and Gina Haspel (Head of the CIA). Alternates: Stormy Daniels. Caddie: Mike Pence.
Pelosi: I’ll take a mulligan.
Putin: But you haven’t even hit a ball yet.
Haspel: Maybe you should hit from the Ladies’ tee.
Pelosi: How many chances do I get?
Trump: One. Make it a good one.
Putin: We’re all watching your every move.
Haspel: Smooth swing now, Birdie.
Putin: Ask those security people to back away. I’m likely to drive the green.
Trump: I did that last time. I was fantastic.
Pelosi: It’s a long way with a serious dogleg to the right.
Haspel: Those aren’t security people. They are the caterers.
Pelosi: Then why are they on the course?
Trump: They came to see me. They think I’m wonderful.
Putin: No. They came to see me. I promised them Polish vodka.
Trump: People continually tell me I remind them of Elvis. He is my idol and has been since I visited Graceland during a prep school outing.
Putin: My hero is Joseph Stalin even though he couldn’t sink a putt to save his life.
Pelosi: He had plenty of KGB helpers to kick the ball into the hole when no one was looking.
Haspel: But that’s cheating. Who is your hero Nancy?
Pelosi: Nancy Sinatra
Putin: Me too and Ukraine.
Trump: You’ve done a fantastic job there. Magnificent. Your shot (to Haspel). Who do you look up to, besides me, I mean…
Haspel: John Wayne. I’m the female John Wayne.
Putin: Watch the sand trap. The pin is to the front of the green.
Trump: Well done. I got a four on that.
Pence: I think you got a seven.
Daniels: Closer to a zero.
Haspel: I’d use a pitching wedge and lay up this side of the water hazard. It worked at Guantanamo and that’s a tough back nine.
Daniels: I love it when you talk dirty.
Pence: Hot dog for anyone at the turn? I’ll run interference since they’ll be a slew of pushy reporters asking lots of questions about immigration, climate change, China, pollution, overpopulation, the Black Sea and nuclear arsenals. Does anyone have any answers they would like me to share?
Haspel: Yes. Keep you body still and follow through.
Pelosi: Keep your head down.
Putin: Keep your feet firmly planted.
Trump: Use a stronger grip and a pencil on your scorecard.
– Darlene Duffer
