All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

OF IMMEDIATE YULETIDE CONCERN

Santa Caught in Two Places at Once

(Ouray) Santa Claus was seen schmoozing at the Who’s On First Savings and the Citizens Federal on Friday. We could have lived with that if the actions had not occurred simultaneously and had not been observed by the a contingent of preschoolers. According to unreliable sources, the benevolent elf was spotted hosting Christmas parties at the two banks at approximately 2 pm on the aforementioned date.

How could this be?

Shocked parents agreed that if he were going to engage in such questionable behavior he should at least take it out of town. The development adds fuel to the growing fire regarding the actual existence of this Santa Claus person. For years a large number of people claim he isn’t real at all but simply a Christmas cookie of someone’s well oiled imagination.

ELF SAFETY COURSE CANCELED

(Montrose) The annual Elf Safety Course for December has been canceled due to lack of interest on the part of elves. Most of the wee toy makers are far too busy to attend meetings due to a particularly stringent schedule throughout the holidays. Elves, for centuries a symbol of recklessness and rash behavior, have been instructed to attend at least one Saturday safety class, or be deported.

The interim government of the North Pole, with the backing of NATO and the United States, has decreed that all elves pass the course before licenses will be awarded. Elves that disregard this order may face firing squad or be sent to the South Pole for reeducation.

Christmas without caviar?

(Teheran) Pollution and overfishing could wipe out the last of the legendary Russian caviar by 2025 according to sources here in Iran. This Persian nation, second only to Russia in world production of caviar, says its once plentiful sturgeon population has diminished greatly over the past two decades. Caviar is harvested from these same sturgeon mostly in the Caspian Sea, which is now the scene of oil drilling and corporate prospecting. Experts say that with continued abuse the sea will be dead in five years.

It is hoped that wealthy gourmets, who cherish the salty fish eggs as both a delicacy and a status symbol, will step up and put pressure on the oil companies to clean up their act before we are all reduced to wolfing down goose liver pate with our champagne.

Santa Embraces Weight Loss Program

(Crested Butte) Thanks to several Third World diets, Santa expects to lose up to 80 pounds by this time next year. Top aides say their boss, also known as Kris Kringle, Father Christmas and The Red Blob, had often noted that many people in Asia and Africa had little trouble keeping the weight off. After compiling a journal on the subject over the last 100 years he concluded that these folks stay skinny not because of a diet low in saturated fat, but because they have nothing to eat.

“It was getting so I couldn’t tie my socks,” said the elf of his obesity.

“Even the reindeer didn’t want to be seen with me, except after dark.”

In a recently published biography sharing the secrets of his long life, Santa points to low stress, cool weather and no smog as factors affecting the his astounding longevity.

Mistletoe Thriving Despite OSHA Ban

(Ouray) Months after OSHA banned mistletoe use, due to safety concerns the black market is thriving. Sales here in this county alone are triple those of last season. “It just goes to show that you can’t legislate morality,” said one man who asked for anonymity.

“People who didn’t give the curious shrub a second thought before now go out of their way to get it.”

Authorities engaged in the enforcement of the Mistletoe Edicts fear that the situation will become more chronic with bans by the FCC and the USFDA. The AMA has threatened to follow suit as well since things are generally slow around the holidays anyway.

Several species of mistletoe, a parasite, grow in Eurasia and Eastern North America. The sprigs are often used as amorous Christmas decorations.

Fowl –Mouthed Elves Cackling Socialites

Mangy elves, bored and idled by their cheap existence, have become a threat to the season. Armed with signature potty mouths, muscle-bound dwarfs have been crashing Christmas parties under the cloak of official helpers since earlier this month. Now with a termination of most Yuletide duties, the little ruffians arrive in swarming ranks set on trouble.

Authorities fear that the elves will target New Year’s Eve parties where an abundance of alcohol is often served, a formula for potential disaster. Last year local police reported only a few altercations during the evening hours (elves duck well) but arrested some 35 of the little people for delayed-release drunkenness at breakfast spots, the local grocery and in a variety of irrigation ditches on New Year’s Day.

Ancient Druids Revered Mistletoe Berries

(Crookhaven, Cork, Republic of Ireland) If you’ve ever wandered the woodlands of Ireland you couldn’t help but trip over the mistletoe. It grows everywhere. Surprisingly when all the other green is in hibernation the mistletoe plant continues to produce berries all winter long.

The Druid physician-priests held the berries dear for their medicinal benefits and very likely in prevention of conception. The berries contain high concentrations of progesterone (rhymes with testosterone) that stimulates the libido. We will paraphrase what may have happened next as theorized by Dr. John Lee, author of Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Remarkable Hormone.

Here’s the scenario: For many centuries the Druids sponsored a winter solstice festival that, according to our calendar fell on December 22 or 23. The event, which lasted one week, was meant to keep the sun from disappearing completely from the sky. (The pagans were uptight about things too – especially the sun god taking a powder). The celebration was held so that spring would someday return and the world would not die. Katy, bar the door! Debts were paid, gifts exchanged and feasts presented. In addition a sacred concoction of hot mead laced with mistletoe berries was plentiful. What? No Guinness?

Once the party got started the influence of the warm alcohol and the progesterone helped everyone get quite relaxed, and get to know each other better.

Modern medicine recognizes the fact that menstrual shedding is the result of an abrupt fall of progesterone, which no doubt occurred after the week of Celtic carousing had ended. Therefore, any conception that took place during the week of unrestricted sex would be lost in the induced flow. Besides allowing participants access to primitive sexual license, the solstice party reinforced the perception that festive sex without subsequent responsibility was merely another gift from the gods. Simple enough.

With the start of the new year everything returned to normal. And you thought you’d been to some parties…Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Solstice. Mistletoe berries and mead…

CRESTED BUTTE CHESTNUTS

CBMR to purchase “feeder college”

Crested Butte/Vail Mountain Resort announced plans to purchase Western Colorado University as a feeder facility by the end of the month. Although details are sketchy it appears that the ski resort wants to assure the presence of skier days and provide a place to educate the public as to space charges.

“We don’t know what space charges are but we’ll be offering an academic explanation real damn soon,” said Dr. Ethel Marmotbreath, coordinator of the downhill acquisition. “The formula is elusive but has something to do with the multiplication of .0175 by the number of college grads flipping burgers in the Gunnison Valley. Now when students cut morning classes they can buy a half day ticket and nobody will tell their parents.”

Feds allocate millions in search of Buttheads

Despite an image as No Clone and anti-stem cell research, the White House has put aside an additional 3.4 million dollars earmarked for canine potty control in the nation’s ski towns. At present the research has bogged down and proponents of the program now say they’ll need more money to finish the job.

“What began as a ridiculous result gov’ment meddling has now stranded itself in the alleys and vacant lots of towns like Crested Butte,” said Rocky Flats, blueprint specialist attached to the Department of the Exterior. “It’s simple…Either we extend cleanup efforts or go right to the source of the problem. Normally we can skate through March but on a light snow year we could all be up Shiite Creek.”

How or if local dogs will be hermetically sealed and subject to inspection was not discussed but Flats, who made millions marketing marmot dung as the aphrodisiac of the 90s, the program will give new meaning to “the big dump”.

Interested parties can offer their input by stopping by the departmental offices located inside the Pooper Park Chalet anytime between now and Valentine’s Day.

NORTH POLE RESIDENTS HOT UNDER COLLAR

Holiday stress takes its toll

(Prince of Whales Island) It couldn’t have come at a more difficult time. Christmas was in the air; deadlines were nailed on the wall. The holiday crunch was breathing down the necks of elves and reindeer, of Santa himself. That’s probably what did it.

It all started when Red Sayles advertised reindeer on the menu over at the Arctic Cafe. He bragged about fried reindeer, reindeer stew, even escalloped reindeer. It was supposed to be a joke, to lighten things up prior to the madness but it backfired. Lines of reindeer picketed Red’s place, not only disrupting his lucrative trade but also causing a void in the local work force over at the sleigh barn. The word is that Red won’t take down the signs and the herds continue to protest his political insensitivities. He hasn’t sold but little of the featured items either.

Of course, if the Yuletide muscle teams don’t have enough to worry about, their self-imposed leader, Rudolph, is victim to reoccurring ego trips. He has apparently attempted to get his fellow reindeer to pledge allegiance to King Rudolf. He has fashioned a system of whistles and mirrors so as to better show off his nose, and he insists on landing first on each and every roof, so as to be the primary subject of every child’s sleigh viewing.

“It’s bad enough we have to haul the fat boy around all night,” said Prancer, a soft-spoken reindeer, of unidentified gender. “Then we have to listen to Rudolph giving orders. It’s enough to make me go back to work in the tundra fields.”

The reindeer aren’t the only ones upset with the size of Santa.

“Hey, it’s not like we pay first class for sleigh rides,” said Groppo, an elf of low degree, “nor is it a matter of spending the night delivering presents with the old fart. It’s just that he takes up so much room once aboard. There’s no room for presents so we have to follow the main sleigh around with smaller orbiting sleighs. Besides, we spend a lot of time testing his sleigh for safety. It operates great when he’s not bogging things down.”

Many elves insist that Santa doesn’t listen to them.

“Just because we like body piercing and smoke cigarettes (94% of elves smoke at least four packs of cigarettes per day) he turns his back on us. We settled with the tobacco companies. Santa (himself an elf, though a non-smoking one) got his piece of the pie,” continued Groppo.

“You’ve no doubt noticed how television portrays the average American male as an overweight, stupid, football mad, infantile, suburban sheep? Santa passes us off to other cultures in much the same way only he paints us with tobacco juice on our chins, rings in our noses, and a pint in our back pockets. It’s not so, not these days anyway. He thinks he’s the big kahuna, the don, the Norse king. Well, he ain’t. nothin’ but an elf who was in the right place at the right time.”

Other elves say the wedge with Santa has to do with poor test scores.

“Sure our test scores are down from a few years ago but most of us have to keep a second job to survive. I deliver pizzas. My kids work at the car wash. My brother takes tourists for snowmobile rides,” said Rasputin, a skinny elf with a dark beard and beady eyes.

“Most of us can’t even afford a ski pass even though the ski areas are located on public lands,” added a third elf, named Elsie. “We used to sneak on to the lifts disguised as kids but deeper voices and facial hair give us away these days. Even us women.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

UNDER THE TREE 2018

Live, from the revolving Libido Lounge high atop Pogo City, it’s our annual Christmas Gift Idea Exchange. Featured in this tasteful, yet eccentric catalog are wonderful suggestions for holiday gift giving and receiving. Many are produced by local inventors and available regionally.

SOLAR-POWERED COWBOY HAT – For the cowboy or cowgirl that thinks on his/her feet. Power is stored on sunny days and generated by body heat when the sun goes away. Comes in white, black, brown and hazel. Will not hinder mental capacity for persons who wear hats in bed and to the breakfast table. Safe around cattle and horses. Fits securely to head and will continue to collect energy, whether it is in place or hanging in a pickup. Not suggested for use with coal-fired horse trailers or nuclear cowboy boots. $125 Ralph’s New Age Western stores.

ICE CLIMBING VINE – Just like the one covering the outfield walls at Wrigley Field! Fast-growing, this incredible bit of vegetation will survive in the harshest of climatic conditions. Needing little or no sun the vine crawls its way up any icy surface. It’s a fine gift for the ice climber or botanical enthusiast on the way to the top. Sold by the foot and ankles.

FLAT TIRE IDIOT LIGHT – Finally a useful auto accessory – plugs directly into alternator and is activated by excessive bumping. Perfect for the mindless driver or the person too lazy to check air pressure before a trip. Caution: apparatus will not function if alcohol odor is detected. About $40 installed.

UROLOGIC BOW TIE – The key here is size and the Urologic Bow Tie is purposely out of proportion. It’s so small it makes everything else seem much larger. Microscopic tie clasp and cuff-links sold separately. No implants but minor surgery required. Gift certificates available. St. Roscoe’s Hospital and the Mao Clinic. About $400.

ASSAULT SNOWBOARD – Is there someone on your Christmas list who takes his winter sports seriously? This snowboard is glazed with a mercury-based oleo concoction that assures immediate takeoff. Restraint device attaches directly to the brain for one’s ultimate safety. Stores easily in any large refrigerator unit. Complete with prescribed storm trooper’s footwear, this board is all one needs to carve out a chunk of territory on the slopes. Buy one this year before the feds ban these babies too. For sale at Sub Kulture’s and all Yo Dude Stores. $899.

DANIELLE STEEL COMPANION READER – Do you know someone who has a tough time getting through anything longer than a menu? This reader presents setting, plot, characters and lavish wardrobes in simple, easy to read one-syllable words. From the outside it looks like a regular book, but when it is opened up the larger than life letters jump right out at you as do the full color renditions of significant scenes. Comes with CD or cassette support. In stock at Maggie’s Books. $25.

THY NEIGHBOR’S SILVERWARE – This is not only a very innovative approach to Christmas, but it reeks of subtle frugality. When choosing the proper heist make sure all the stuff matches and is clean. A gift box for the spoons, knives, forks and other pieces can be fashioned from a rectangular jewelry box, which can often be discovered in an upstairs bedroom. As with many of the more creative hands-on Christmas gifts, the silverware concept can vary. Many people prefer to present the utensils in an oak or pine box with a felt liner, while other more utilitarian benefactors simply wrap the merchandise in a swath of linen or just some newspaper and be done with it. Available right next door or down the block. Petty theft guidelines apply.

TIDEWATER GERRYMANDERING WRISTWATCH – Made entirely of tobacco leaves, this low-tar timepiece keeps precise count of hours, minutes and even seconds as eternity slowly passes on some front porch in North Carolina. It operates solely on GOP Standard Time, which is defined as the period after the War Between the States and before civil rights legislation was passed in the Sixties. It’s the perfect gift for the obstinate Senate Foreign Relations Committee member, or for the tobacco executive with those deep, deep pockets. Available at better jewelry stores and tobacco shops. $299.99

HILLBILLY HEAVEN FERTILITY KITE – No self-respecting hilljack should go a-courtin without this gem. Just let out some string and watch her take to the skies. Guaranteed to attract the attention of the opposite sex, as well as water fowl and other game birds. Custom attachment fits right over the family shotgun or can be grounded on bib overall snaps or moonshine stills. No prescription needed. Kite designs come in various shapes and colors. Sold exclusively at all Snuffy Smith Boutiques. $50.

TWINKIE CAR PHONE AND DECORATIVE CANDLE ENGINE HEATER – Security is the name of the game these days and this kit is sure to confuse the car thief or the back seat driver. The phone mounts right to the dash, looking like a discarded Twinkie. The engine heater candle fits right under the oil pan and ignites when the temperatures drop below zero. What a gift for the motor head. Coming in January: The Trash Bag Car Stereo, a disguised audio system that appears to be nothing more than a litter bag. It even has a quart of milk and coffee grinds sticking out of the top for affect. $129.99.

DEMOCRAT BACKBONE JERKY – The ultimate lobbyist’s snack for the holidays comes in a woodsy box or tin. Every month a new batch turns up via the U.S. Mail. All told, the jerky package should last two years. Chow down as you watch elected politicians do nothing about the national debt, welfare and crime despite the sweet talk during the last election. Want to get a turkey out of the White House this holiday season? This could do the trick. Available at all Nelson Mandate Polling Booths and at Packer’s Meats in Lake City. Order before December 23 and receive a miniature Hillary Clinton Doll at no extra cost. $88.99 for two year supply. Slightly more with limited term legislation. What a gift for the petty partisan or the dreamy-eyed incumbent on your list.    

CLOSING TIME COLOGNE – Radiate the seedy side of life. This perfume doesn’t attract much of anything, since the recipient of this gift will smell like a stale, smokey bar. Why spend all that money trying to be somebody? Now you can achieve that loathsome odor right in your own bathroom! Comes in pint or quart for overkill. About $3 in the lotion section of your favorite liquor store. Sorry: No sales over the bar.

PERSONALIZED CRIME BILL – This official government issue comes framed and signed by the very people who are taking care of things down at the Justice Department. Hang it proudly, knowing full well that you and your family are safe. Comes with 9-mm pistol just in case. It’s the ultimate in criminal repellents. $200. Unframed version sells for about 50 cents.

FALSE EYEBROW SET – Most versions are offered at 1/2 price during the Yuletide season. Imagine the fashion statement when you waltz into the room wearing just one eyebrow. Easily installed, this gift comes in a variety of sizes and colors. One fits all the way across the forehead. Another appears to grow from the hairline or nasal passageway. Doubles as a bushy mustache in a pinch. Quasi-Cosmetics. $15.

INVISIBLE WEDDING/ENGAGEMENT RING – Perfect for the man or woman who is not yet ready for a commitment. This simulated gold band reacts to hormonal changes and biological needs by disappearing with the slightest hint of sexual response. Then, after the party is over, it shows back up on the ring finger and everything is all right again. Why let occasional weekend passion ruin a sensible, lasting relationship during the week!

TROUT GRAVY HELPER – This useful gift basket comes with a variety of mixtures including sage trout gravy, salmon egg surprise and garlic endeavor with chives. Not recommended for fish-on-a-stick recipes or flash-boiled kokanee. Just add river water and enjoy perfect gravy every time…especially in camp. Industrial strength potion actually disintegrates bones, scales and head and leaves nothing but a delicious filet. $19.99 for gift set. Sold exclusively at Sporty Sports.

REMOTE-CONTROL EGGPLANT PERUKE – Just like the ones worn by our founding fathers. With this fine addition bad hair days will be a thing of the past. Fits most heads and even stays in place during high winds and other periods of natural disaster or mental anxiety. Made of 100% Canadian eggplant fiber with built-in remote control that keeps locks in place. Resistant to climate change. Organically pleasing too. $300 at Hats are Thats.

ATM CLUB – This handy device keeps crooks at bay while making a cash withdrawal. Fits firmly over ATM machine just like the one on your steering wheel. Endorsed by real policemen and people who dress like them. Detects bad intentions after dark. Most effective when used with large caliber pistol or mace. $75.00. Mail order only.

GEMCO INDUSTRIAL BLENDER – This baby works on pumpkins, squash, melons of all sizes, even basketballs. Stirs, purees, whips, mixes, frappes and liquifies. Makes juice out of anything round. What a party favor or an addition to someone’s culinary collection. Traveling version fits snugly into the average suitcase. Solar model available soon. $17.99 at Ridgway Hardware.

VAMPIRE NIGHT LIGHT – Got a kid on your list who’s afraid of the dark? Buy them this reasonably priced gift and really scare the hell out of them over the holidays. Protruding eyes follow movement and blood drips from the fangs. Plugs easily into any electrical outlet via easy access bat collar. Hums popular Christmas carols in Transylvanian. This stocking stuffer is sure to get someone’s attention.

DUST MITE TERRARIUM AND PERSONALIZED COFFEE CUP – Remind someone on your Christmas list that we are not here alone. Includes millions of busy dust mites in simulated dust particle enclosure. Lid features radioactive microscope certain to detect the behavior of tiny mites at work and at play. The coffee cup displays a large dust mite on both sides and is engraved with the name of the recipient. Give the gift that says you gave a gift this year. $150 at Mighty Mites and all Bugsy’s Boutiques.

MOTRIM MODEM – Just dial the right number and your headache takes a powder. From the people who brought you Target Eye Massage Field Glasses. About $100.

DEAD DICTATORS SING CHRISTMAS TUNES – This wonderful CD represents a tasteful mix of Yuletide favorites. Included are Joe Stalin, Papa Doc Duvalier, Anastasio Somoza, Benito Mussolini, Napoleon and others. You haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed Nikita Krushcev’s rendition of Deck the Halls backed up by the Fidel Castro Memorial Quartet. $16.95 where specialty music is sold. English version slightly higher.

– Kashmir Horseshoe