All Entries Tagged With: "River Road Ouray County"

RIDGWAY NOTES

compiled by Uncle Pahgre

River Road Named to Who’s Who

     The 12-mile stretch known to locos as the River Road was named to The Who’s Who of Dirt Roads last night in Los Angeles. The honor, a rare accolade for roads outside the Hollywood realm, comes with a trophy and a small cash allowance.

     “Generally we see by-ways such as Penny Lane and Thunder Road walking away with the prizes,” said Dusty Washboarder, coordinator of the ceremony. “We’re happy to have the more remote roads included too. It makes for a more valid recognition.”

     A celebration to honor the River Road will be held at Black Lake on September 31. Ignore the private property signs and park wherever you like. For a detailed map check this week’s Brawl-Mart brochure. No hogs or glass cans please. 

Piggly Wiggly Eyeballs Ridgway

     A representative for the supermarket giant, Piggly Wiggly, was in town yesterday checking out potential sites for a new store. Inside sources say the spot is somewhere between Catastrophe Realty and Tail Town. Despite the fact that a supermarket already exists in the town, and the fact that residents there fought off a similar scheme by City Market five years ago, the Piggly Wiggly folks seem intent on going forward.

     “If they come in we boycott,” said Melvin Toolini, a former skeleton cleaner and veteran of the Abyssinian Campaign. “We don’t buy so much as a can of beans. This is where we draw the line or we’ll have every damn chain known to man breathing down our shorts.”

     Toolini went on to plead that residents support the existing store and refrain from doing business with chains like Piggly Wiggly, which carries with it a questionable human rights record and uses inferior shopping cart technologies.

     Plans to assassinate principles at the corporate level where tabled until further information becomes available.

TOWN TO SPRAY FOR BUDDING COUNCILMEN

     Voters in Ridgway have voted 5-1 to allow spraying for a sudden plague of budding town councilmen (buttus controlus burdockus), a dangerous weed which threatens to consume the traditional ecosystem in field and pasture here. The thistle-like plant is defined as a plant that is troublesome and worthless in the place where it is growing. Budding town councilmen can be identified due to its desire to dominate the public arena despite the fact that it has just arrived in the neighborhood. It is often irrational and transient in nature.

     “The perennials did not relocate here to assimilate with other plants,” said Estelle Marmotbreath an award-winning wattle orchid grower from Miller Mesa. “They come here and bring all their big city pollen counts with them. They think they are here to save us, but we don’t need to be fertilized. They want to do things the way they did them back in their last pasture, which if memory serves me, now lies fallow due to poor farming practices. We never had this problem when the weather was colder.”

     The systematic eradication will begin as early as healthy town leaders can be properly covered. Next week voters will again head to the polls expected to ratify a proposed ordinance that prohibits budding town councilpersons from running for public office until they have resided in the community for at least one year.

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To bellhop after the fact…lessons in sensibility

First: Never ever forget the name of a beautiful woman.

Second: Never forget the name of a beautiful woman.

Third: All women are beautiful.

-Melvin B. Toole, Barrio Laureles , Medellin Colombia, December 30, 2022