Bonnie and Clyde Remake to be Shot in Olathe

(Hollywood Mesa) A bloody, yet more condensed version of the popular film, Bonnie and Clyde, will be filmed here next month according to Olathe Sweet Flicks, makers of space-age onion software. The production will last six months bringing a much needed source of revenue to the town.

“We chose Olathe because it still looks like the 1930s on the main street, minus the newer vehicles,” said director Pulan Romanowski. “It’s unbelievable that the place has remained like this for so long.”

Readers may recall that several episodes of The Twilight Zone were shot here in the late 50s followed by all but two of the colorized versions of Dragnet and Leave It To Beaver. Both of the latter efforts were made on California Mesa, the ancestral home of Lumpy Rutherford.

Town fathers and mothers are concerned that the filming might conflict with the 112th Spud Lovers Tomato Fight and Convention slated for July 22-31. This year some 35,000 potato aficionados are expected to converge on Olathe for panel discussions, cooking displays and tomato wars.

Meanwhile the producers of Bonnie and Clyde are searching for 1930s vintage automobiles to employ in the film. If anyone owns one of these gems and would like to make a few bucks please call the the Olathe Suite Corn Festival. – H. L. Menoken

US Demands Return of 55 Chevys

(Miami) In an rash departure from warming diplomacy toward its estranged tropical neighbor, the United States today demanded the return of all 1955 series Chevrolet sedans and coupes now resting on Cuban soil. The surprise summons comes just as the two nations, at odds for decades, had begun talks on such bugaboos as immigration, baseball and economic blockades.

It is estimated that over 2000 Bel Airs and other models are on the road here and another in use all over the country.

In a surprising return to Cold War rhetoric the United States today
demanded that Cuba return of all 1955 Chevys now on the island.
Cars like the one above have become a rarity in the US
despite the fact that they were once made here.

“People aren’t keeping these classics in their garage to parade around in on holidays,” said Juan Tonomo, a Havana mechanic. “They drive them. They manufacture parts for them, They wax them. They cherish them. If the Americans try to take back the 55s they’ll surely be a fight. Another Bay of Pigs but maybe this time in Florida.”

Although General Motors, builder and designer of the cars, insists that they belong on US soil there is no clear legal precedent, especially across the dangerous straits that divide the two poorly ruled citizenries. The cars were procured, stolen, rescued, purchased, inherited, abandoned and discovered following the exit of America’s little dictator buddy Fulgencio Batista and the accompanying Mafia sideshow. They have since melded into the Cuban psyche, since Fidel came to town in 1959.

“We are certain Detroit is behind this,” say Washington sources. “They have been jealous of the performance and longevity of the older vehicles especially if one compares some of the recent bombs such as the Cavalier and the Pinto (Ford) which arrived on the scene shortly after the Cuban Missile Crisis.”

One of the reasons the automobiles have survived, especially in the climate, (both natural and fiscal), is the preponderance of fix-it concerns all over the country. Nothing is thrown away. Landfills are saved the indignity of staring down barely used toasters, building materials and discarded clothing. When a car breaks down it is repaired, even if the part must be fashioned or the engine overhauled.

“The government is bad but the people are good just like everywhere else in the world,” said Tonomo. “But the poor ones are always the ones to suffer the most when things turn sour. Taking their cars away would be the end.”

Sources in Detroit disagree with the appraisals saying they are merely nostalgic and want their cars to be back home where they belong.

“We look longingly toward Havana,” said Arlo Witte, a spokesman for GM. “We bare them no malice. We feel we can better provide for the 55s and offer them more security, a better future here.”

Up to now the US interests have yet to produce so much as a title or proof of registration. Cuban officials say the cars may have never been part of the American landscape.

“All that Dinah Shore See the USA in Your Chevrolet nonsense was so contrived,” frowned Tonomo. “We would have had songs like that except e couldn’t think of a car that rhymed with our island.”

Lobbyists indentured to the auto giants have been hammering Congress to terminate the economic embargo that has been in force “since the Communist takeover”, so that they could sell cars there. Insiders confirm that meetings have taken place and some preliminary agreements have been approved over rum and cigars.

Perhaps the most plausible solution, according to State Department innuendo is to cave in and give Havana what it has wanted for all of these dark years…a Major League baseball franchise.

“Then they might be more inclined to return the cars, according to diplomats at the North Dakotan Embassy which represents US interests since there is no ambassador in residence in Cuba.

US officials were not clear on what action might be taken if the cars are not returned.

Handicapped Spaces in sorghum and maize in July

(Montrose) The estimated 300 rarely used handicapped parking spaces within the city of Montrose will be put to high yield agricultural use come spring, according to whomever thinks they are in charge here.

The spaces, designated over the past two years as open range since they are seldom occupied, have already been requisitioned and, like vacant lots, condemned due to public safety issues or labeled as property adjacent to larger municipal regions that is deemed necessary for expansion.

The targeted spots, spread all over the city, have been charted and plotted so as to insure uniformity in fertilizing and watering. Although sorghum can be a little testy when grown through asphalt, maize (corn) will grow in just about any conditions just as long as it gets enough sun and is protected from pests.

Due to federal auto-response overkill there are at least 500 handicapped parking spaces in the county, some located where no one has ever been, at least in a car. Some may even be suspended from space. As in most federal responses, the reality of the matter takes a back seat to bureaucracy.

Take the drunk driving laws for example.

A little known clause in the table of motor vehicle guidelines stipulates that drivers parked in handicapped spaces are immune to prosecution for impaired driving. (Check it out in the small print if you don’t believe us)

It is hard to say how many federal administrators draw a paycheck by monitoring and adjusting the number of handicapped spaces. It’s similar to counting trees or rocks than then going home for the day. At a time when the feds keep ranting about budget cuts this overpopulation and underemployment of restricted parking spots is ridiculous, according to officials here.

“We talk about multiple use and bounteous, exuberant, broad-minded agricultural concepts,”said a county commissar who continues to live in the 18th century. “It is high time to embrace farming techniques that produce results,” he said, hastily adding that he never used the word liberal in his compacted appraisal of the move.

“We want to make regulations too, like real cities do,” said a city councilperson who lives in the 19th Century. “People are then forced to obey our silly new laws and it makes us feel powerful and important.

“These underemployed spaces make our government look incompetent. They are a left-handed insult to the handicapped and cannot be considered green space since they are covered in asphalt,” he said. “This is liberal government at its finest hour.”

According to a survey conducted the nearby Bland Valley, which is blessed with even more of these unused parking spaces than Montrose, some 88% of the population admits that it often resents the handicapped when faced with lines of unoccupied handicapped spaces and no standard or regular spots in which to leave their car.

“The planting and sale of these commodities should soften the opinion of critics,” say the local leaders. Society can never have enough sorghum.” – H. L. Menoken

Town Excluded from Guide Books

Lonely Planet and three other popular backpacker guidebooks have failed to include Colona in their highlights of Colorado for the summer. The snub was not taken lightly by residents here who say that with the noted exception of lodging their town is just as good as Aspen or Vail.

It was not clear if the absence was intentional or simply an oversight but Colona fails to come up even in the index. The town has not been mentioned in any of the guides since about 1995.

“Then we must not exist, which is fine with me,” said one local entrepreneur. “They’ll either find us or they won’t.”

Many of the guide book shadow market do not even try to speak the local dialect and often can’t successfully cross the street without consulting their handy library of trekking bibles.

HELP! WE NEED HOUSING

Taxi Drivers Convention Taxes Services

Promoters of this year’s NewYork City Taxi Drivers Convention, slated for Colona in late September, say they still need volunteer housing for the over 100,000 expected delegates. Already some are set to bivouac at the school and a few will pull in trailers and tents but the situation is far from tranquil.

“We are about 95,000 accommodations short of our goal,” said one principle. “We’ve worked really hard to make the convention a success and to think that it all may fall through due to pillows is a difficult pill to swallow.”

Attempts to bed down the cabbies in the nearby Uncompahgre Natural Forest were thwarted by the USFS who insist that the large group will overwhelm existing services.

“What are these people to do? Bring in 50,000 port johns for the weekend?” said a local ranger. “The entire event has been poorly planned from the beginning. Next time they should consider holding the convention in a larger community like Ridgway or Norwood.”      – Uncle Pahgre

for related piece see Colona Roadhouse Seeks Identity

Colona Store Closing Day Care Wing

The Oberg Academy, a daycare center for unruly children will close its doors Friday. The beloved facility, which state officials say is too close to a liquor dispensary, has been a cornerstone of the community for decades. It is feared that the action will throw thousands out of work and destroy the region’s fragile economy. The abrupt termination of services hits particularly hard during the summer when marginal parents joyfully dropped off their charges and went back to bed.

“We will still maintain fishing excursions and the ski hill out back,” said head master and retired Marine, Harry Oberg. “I wonder if this will qualify us for federal subsidies under the cloak of alternate energy use, you know going and green and all,” he asked. “It’s already a lot more peaceful around here. We ought to get some kind of kickback for that alone. It was either the kids or the booze and I am confident we made the right choice,” he concluded.

Colona Airport Remodel Looks to the Future

(Log Hill Mesa) A new facelift will certainly hurl the Colona International Airport into the 21st Century in so far as accessibility and aerodynamics go, but detractors claim the modernization will give the facility an unfair edge.

Whether these critics are upset over the temporary cancellation of flights this summer or by the independent nature of Colonese businessmen is not clear. The airport is expected to reopen for business some time in September upon completion of the Space Odyssey Lieutenant Ohura Wing, designed to accommodate intergalactic traffic by Christmas.

Of the estimated 4.5 million spent already to upgrade runways and strengthen projections for space travel, 90% has come from private donations. This unlikely funding has put government and civic forces on their heels since they will have little to say about the basic orientation and daily function of the state-of-the-art airport.

The federal gov’ment, still stinging from the recent legalization of marijuana in Colorado, expressed concern that the facility will not pass stringent U.S. regulations and thus never reach full capacity as a standout in this solar system.

Developers of the airport had little comment saying only that they did not respond to bullies whether in the schoolyard or the courts. One of these suggested that if the gov’ment wanted a military base adjacent to Colona they had better “be nice”.

Besides the feds many local bureaucrats are miffed that they have been excluded from the planning and banned from the project site. The Montrose Developmentally De Facto Defalcation League has not only dropped the enterprise from its ostentatious summer brochure but has rejected Colona as a Partner in Progress for 2013.

“We remain in denial,” said the executive director of MDDFDL from her air-conditioned show barn on East Main. “It’s mean, just mean to ostracize us. We already have committees set up and  lots of meetings scheduled.”

Hang gliders and balloonists will not be affected by the temporary closures nor will red-eye security flights to Macondo, Tralfamadore or Freedonia.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                     – Tommy Middlefinger

COLONA SLIM SEZ: “I’m taking my Social Security check down to Montrose where I intend to drink it up.”

Local Border Collie Bound for Cambridge

Rusty moments after accepting the
Campbell Scholarship in Cork Friday

(Ridgway) A very intelligent border collie named Rusty has been awarded the prestigious (Leonard) Campbell Fellowship for study at Cambridge University near London. The grant/scholarship pays for every facet of the canine’s education including housing, food and materials with a monthly stipend of $600 for travel on the European continent. He is also recipient of the Phi Dog Phi Award for academic excellence and the Pavlov Prize for athleticism.

Rusty’s field of study/expertise will be Psycho-Primal Anthropology with emphasis on The Human Food Chain.

Although exhibiting some mixed feelings about leaving his fine life on the Haywire Ranch at Cow Creek, Rusty has accepted the offer to study abroad. He will finish the curriculum in three years and spend summers in Colorado. Upon graduation his options most likely run from a professorship to clinical research to herding livestock.

“He’s smarter than anyone in our family,” said Jed Pinwheel, Rusty’s sponsor and father figure. “That dog new how to count all of the chickens before and after they hatched. His hunger for knowledge put him paws and tails above the rest of the cow dogs around here. He was focused. That boy was always focused.”

Rusty, a eunuch in his own right, is not the first four-legged creature to attend Cambridge. A common British house cat, named Criseyde, with an IQ off the charts studied here in the 60s only to withdraw from classes due to an unexpected pregnancy. She currently lives in Cleveland.

Meanwhile back at the ranch cowboys scurry to find a replacement for Rusty.

“It will take three dogs to do the work of this guy,” said Colona Slim, a 112-year-old wrangler who’s still in the saddle. “Just as soon as he got them sheep or cows in a circle he’s commence to sticking his nose into a book. Smart sombitch.”

A going away party has been scheduled for Tuesday at Trail Town Distillery. No children please.

Dag Katz

Swimming Hippies Kill Fish At Festival

Special from The New York Times

     Hippies swimming the San Miguel River near Telluride were blamed today for the deaths of over 400 fish in what authorities are calling the strangest case on record. A music festival was in progress on the banks of the river and the festival is cited as a major reason for the hippies’ presence in the area.

     About two hours after the hippies finished bathing in the river fish began to float to the top, certifiably deceased. A group of about fifty hippies id wanted for questioning but none have been located. Although no motive has been discussed police intend to charge the swimming hippies with leaving the scene of a crime.