All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
SNAFU SENDS ALIENS TO YELLOWSTONE, WOLVES SOUTH
Mexico City by morning?
(Jackson WY) Many illegal aliens have found themselves deep in Yellowstone Park this morning while hundreds of Canadian wolves are waking up in Mexico. The entire nightmare has been blamed on a computer malfunction at the highest levels of the federal government.
The situation was precipitated due to simultaneous implementation of two long sought programs. The first called for a more aggressive approach to deal with people crossing the border illegally; the second favored a relocation of wolves into natural habitats in Yellowstone and parts of Idaho and Western Montana.
The deportation was to be supervised by the Department of Immigration and the wolf drop by the Department of the Interior. Legislative wires apparently became crossed, even in the primary stages of execution according to one bureaucrat or another.
“People are always quick to point at the government when an embarrassment like this occurs,” said Melvin Toolini, now acting coordinator of both events. Readers may remember Toole, a former White House aide under Bill Clinton, who was abruptly fired in 1989 after he was identified as “the troublemaker” who had once called Hillary Clinton “Thunder Thighs” back in grade school.
Toolini now finds himself in the precarious position as standing liaison between the two aforementioned agencies.
“The confusion resulted from the two cumbersome bureaucracies being housed in the same building, sharing the same computer system, bathrooms and elevators,” explained a shaken Toolini at a press conference on the matter this afternoon.
“And I’d like to say more at this time,” he teased, “but they’ve got a killer glazed meatloaf on special today at the Congressional dining room and I want to get over there before they run out.”
One reliable source confirmed fears that neither Toolini nor anyone else remotely attached to the snafu had any idea how the data became submerged or what to do about it. She then added that the meatloaf was not actually glazed but rather browned in butter before roasting.
“It doesn’t matter who’s to blame,” winced the source. “What is important now is correcting the mess before it further blows up in out faces.”
As of yesterday evening some 500 illegal aliens have been tranquilized and relocated to Yellowstone while as many as 250 wolves have been deported by bus to points south. According to the same source this does not include a crew of grey wolves that were picked up in a poorly constructed raft in the straights of Florida Tuesday. Whether these survivors will end up in Wyoming, Mexico or back in Cuba is anyone’s guess.
“It was only a matter of time before the gov’ment’s feet and paper shuffling caught up with them,” said a former immigrant rights advocate and animal lover. “When you insist on everything in triplicate you’re heading for trouble. It’s all particularly sad considering neither group wanted to go anywhere in the first place. The Latinos are here simply to survive and the wolves are here because they are part of the ecosystem.”
Meanwhile ranchers in the affected region were slow to respond to federal inquiries regarding the feasibility of illegals being shipped to their state on a permanent basis.
“Illegal aliens don’t generally attack livestock unless provoked,” said one Pinedale rancher, “but then, according to the urban experts neither do wolves. Those sheep can be nasty but we feel someone should read the fine print on the NAFTA Treaty before making anymore sudden moves.” – Warren of Wexley
Politician Born with Two Faces?
(Wahoo Corner) Exhibit photos, presented in a birth certificate tribunal today suggest that sitting Wyoming Congressman, Petro “Red” Meat, was born two-faced. The pictures, many of which were taken at the birth and during adolescence indicate the presence of two completely developed mugs. Physiognomists testifying before the court agreed that not only did Meat possess two faces but that both were less than attractive.
“He looks to have faces reminiscent of of Lyndon B Johnson and Dick Cheney, which, frightening enough on paper, is nightmarish in person,” said one expert.
Meat, who was indicted in 2012 for his part in covering up the disastrous impact of oil exploration in the Equality State, donned a Jackson Pollock mask (Pollock was born in Cody) and sat quietly as the judge listened to the latest testimony.
“All one has to do is drive through what used to be beautiful country up around Pinedale and look for himself,” said a prosecutor. “One does’t need four eyes to view the complete disregard for the environment by oil bosses”
Attorneys for Meat repeatedly insisted that their client had not shared in the spoils when Wyoming accepted thirty (or was it forty) silver coins for rights to fossil fuels in the economically hard pressed locale.
If convicted Meat will serve two separate sentences on top of prior prison terms handed down by a Gillette judge last August.
Television Networks Seek Vampires
(New Jork) Global television networks are seeking vampires to cover violent stories that occur throughout the world it was disclosed today. The television bosses reportedly are convinced that serious blood suckers would do the best job bringing the reality of violence into the homes of millions.
The announcement has already generated a mass response on the part of the general vampire population, a group that has historically been plagued by job discrimination and underemployment due in part to alleged skin conditions and preferred hours of circulation.
“All one has to do is observe the behavior of these pathetic TV scribes, these mental pygmies determined to get to the source of the news with no concern for the human feelings of the victims to see why vampires are now ascending the ladder of success in mega media,” said a Manhattan head hunter, herself a recovering vampire.
Rest assured that employment opportunities herein will be based on merit however I suggest
showing up for the interview early with portfolio in order…and wear something black.”
“Hub” Early Qualifier for Robot Cops
New meets old in Montrose
(Montrose) By virtue of its new status as an All-American City this Western Colorado locale may qualify for millions of dollars in federal funding to establish an elite robot police force here. The money, which is designated for urban planning, traffic arteries and asphalt, as well as high-tech law enforcement, should start pouring in before the end of the year.
There will be no immediate changes in the police force according to a city council spokesman who has hired over 200 police recruits over the past three years. It is estimated that it may take up to five years to transform the police department from human to robot.
“We have the highest ratio of police to citizens in North America already,” said the councilperson, admitting he is sometimes afraid of several of the more outspoken officers. “Even though our crime rate is rising we think they are performing a great service to the community. We haven’t made any headway with the creeping meth problem but we have certainly arrested a slew of citizens and visitors for DUI and our adherence to the Say No To Drugs campaign has netted the city a fleet of fancy new four-wheel-drives. We appear to be on the right track.”
Montrose plans to retrain the existing police force in alternative occupations such as prison guards and private security positions. Some police will remain in their positions as supervisory personnel.
“We don’t feel the robots will work well in environs where a human factor is prevalent,” said the councilman. “Besides, the software needed to run these robots is not compatible with anything more than strict law enforcement and control of the population by whatever means is deemed necessary.”
Robot police can easily walk a beat for 24 hours if necessary without using fossil fuel or needing lunch or even a coffee break, which could save the city a bundle in operating expenses. Rather than a salary these metal gumshoes exist on minimum maintenance and follow orders to the ultimate without emotional attachment or detachment. Sophisticated sensors built in to every robot often put these space-age constables at the scene of the crime before the crime happens.
“We’ve lost some good people over the years and now they won’t have to risk their lives in the line of fire,” continued the source. “Nobody needs a bullet-proof vest or radios to call for backup.”
Robot cops operating secretly in other US cities have been found to be an effective deterrent to crime for the above stated reasons and because no upstanding criminal wants to be hauled in by a machine, especially one that cannot be distracted, bribed or intimidated. In experimental enforcement scenarios crooks have learned not to push the envelope since these robots are no nonsense crime fighters programmed to show little restraint and quite prepared to take control if the situation demands more intensity.
Uncooperative perpetrators risk a backhand or a head butt, which carries more clout than a billy club.
“Rather than dwell on the violent side of this measure, we feel it is important to understand that innocent citizens have nothing to fear from the robots, unless of course programming systems fail or software issues emerge in the heat of battle,” said the councilman.
Rumors that the new police battalion would be crafted from local resources at Recla Metals have been deemed false and vehemently denied by all concerned with the final phase of the procedure.
“The robot cops will arrive in large crates with extensive instructions. Some assembly may be required,” said a strong proponent of the plan who requested anonymity. “The manufacturer uses only the finest US steel and the robots are fabricated for longevity and multiple use. Just a little car wax and they look as good as new.”
Citizens can expect to see the new police force on the streets sometime in 2014. – Kashmir Horseshoe
Brawl-Marts closing over terrorist threats
(Banditville AR) Most of the nation’s Brawl-Mart stores will close today in response to what security forces there are calling serious calculated threats against the discount chain. The danger was apparently detected through wire-tapping and a worldwide spy network created to discover and ferret out plans of violent dimensions before they are enacted.
Despite all the hoopla nobody really knows who the terrorists might be since the Brawl-Mart empire has made countless enemies due to greedy business practices and a clear desire to dominate world retail markets. Islamic radicals, free market advocates, consumer watchdogs, sociologists, mental health professionals, persons of good taste and many small business concerns are all suspect as the investigation widens.
“Most of the people who shop at Brawl-Mart haven’t a clue as to what their consumption does to the economy,” said a class action suit filed against the retail giant last week. What we need in this country is pride in our culture not adherence to hypnotic consumerism and the chronic willingness to accept the mundane.”
Brawl-Mart is expected to lose millions per day in the shutdowns, which could easily stretch into the holidays. Think of it – – Christmas without Brawl Mart. People might actually stay within their means and secure thoughtful, personal gifts given in the proper spirit, rather than mass-produced junk that no one really needs anyway. They might buy gifts because they love people rather than because society tells them to do so. They might enjoy shopping in an environment that is pleasant and nurturing, not plastic and mindless.
“Imagine a household of an addicted consumer, armed with a credit card headed to buy anything in arm’s reach,” said one behavior analyst. This kind of activity can ruin a family, a marriage, and a bank account. Maybe with the temporary demise of Brawl-Mart these kinds of sick people can regain their sense of priority and break the mold, kick the habit and go on to lead more meaningful lives as a result.”
Conversations among known terrorist organizations have pinpointed attacks on many giant corporate chains, seeing them as the flower of god-less consumerism and disregard for the needs of those impoverished in the world. Authorities have intercepted blueprints for a series of excursions into the heart of mainstream America.
“How long do you think the bombings will be restricted to Baghdad and Beirut?” said the behaviorist.
“The Yemenis are full of shit,” said one Homeland Security bigwig, who used to sell tires before 9/11. “They didn’t thwart, prevent or foil any terrorist activity back during last month’s embassy closing scare. We’re not counting on them to do anything but cash our checks. That way we can aim our clones at whomever we like. We just hope they don’t get clones too.”
In a related development the Pentagon and the Department of Education have released a combined statement saying essentially that the two had conspired to bomb Brawl-Marts in 2009 and 2011: The educators would give its blessing and the military would lower the boom.
Extensive studies carried out at major research institutions have concluded that the bombing strikes could raise the national IQ by 35 points in some more destructive target areas. Sadly, the plan was scrapped due to moral blowback, which landed on the joint chiefs and threatened the daily operations of the war colleges nearby.
– Susie Compost
FACEBOOK FACED WITH COPYRIGHT VIOLATIONS
(El Lay) Facebook, the popular social media mogul, is facing a series of lawsuits over copyright violations centering around the word friend. For years the computer-driven communications power has employed the word friend to categorize and define certain status on its pages. But now citizen and government groups are protesting.
“The concept of friend should not be tarnished by generic use in this manner,” said an attorney for one group calling itself Friends of Friends. A real friendship is not something one can gain by jerking around with a computer. It is real and from the heart.”
Another group, angry at what it says is “just another impersonal corporate scheme” plans to boycott Facebook, which it says is stupid to begin with, and offers no real social exchange or productive results.
“Do people sit around all day making love to their laptops? asked Slim Tinkleholland, a recovering Facebook junkie. “Friendship is sacred and we should not allow these companies to intrude in the very fiber of our existence, our very humanness. It’s all we have to separate us from the mess that goes on at knee level all around us. Before you know it these haughty cyber coyotes will be in bed with us all, for a price mind you.
“We must learn to stop being sheep and stand up for what is good and honest. Abuses of this type cannot be tolerated in a free society,” said Tinkleholland.
Leading antagonists seek to force Facebook to use terms such as acquaintance or congenial or significant other instead of friend in their cordial regimentation. – Fred Zeppelin
