All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
NORWOOD BEACHES OFF LIMITS
Wright’s Mesa True Wave – July 10, 2015, 2015
Officials in Western San Miguel County have ordered the closure of four popular beaches Saturday morning after lifeguards sighted several sharks in the vicinity.
There was neither further explanation nor information as to the reopening in time for the summer holidays. Critics say the sharks are harmless and that the termination of beach services will all but cripple the spindly-legged economy based on sweatshop ceramics, leaf art, exotic livestock and the bi-sexual Gildaberry harvests in August and November.
Former mayor and post office jockey, Oral Noise, is hopping mad because he has nothing else to do.
“Do you really think those tourists come up here to look at the mountains? They come here to sit in the sand, not play net games with the political football. Our elected legislators forget that no one, including themselves and yours truly, is paying the least bit of attention to all of this drivel.”
Oceanographers studying the micro-issue here restated long-held theories that the imposing Disappointment- Redvale Current and the little known Cape of Norwood reef would dry up and decompose “at about the same time California reconnects with the North American continent, somewhere near Lake Tahoe.”
They go on.
“While we realize that we have detractors and others within our own ranks that question the validity of our research in disposed species and natural anomalies such as palm trees in Cork and penguins in Uruguay,” said
one scientist, “we also warn that any shark capable of travel through California, Nevada, and Utah in order to harass bathers here had ought to be taken seriously.”
Noise disagrees saying that Colorado has plenty of tourists and not that many beaches or sharks.
“We need to get our priorities straight,” he said.
– Ronald Reggae
“Opium is the television of the 21st Century.” – Merle Sparks
Explorers Discover Western Slope
From Mega-Mega News – July 10, 2015
(Confront Range) There’s water in them thar hills! That has been the persistent cry of thirsty development on the east side of the Rockies since the first gold came out of Cherry Creek. Now a modern Lewis and Clark wagon train, featuring stand-ins, Admiral John Hickenlooper and Major John Elway, has finally stood on the land west of the perilous Continental Divide.
The exploratory commission, sanctified on South Broadway in April, has collected thousands of samples, snapped hundreds of photographs and mapped the region topographically and politically. Both men are looking forward to what promises to be a grand reception upon their return to civilization next week.
According to press particulars the party has chartered a vast stretch of land somewhere in that treacherous, yet mystical land between the Animas and the Yampa. High deserts, prominent alpine peaks, green valleys and rigorous canyons abound as does water, the fool’s gold of the 21st Century.
Hickenlooper has already appointed Colonel Walter Weiss as Magistrate General and named two of the higher peaks after Elway and himself. The governor then gave thanks that the discovery would surely provide food and fuel, as well as water, for the growing Front Range population.
Busy with a pick and shovel looking for accessible vote veins Hickenlooper refused to comment on well-publicized plans to dump toxic waste materials here.
Meanwhile Elway, acting as a special envoy from the Denver Water Board, has reinstated the Homestead Act of 1869 that allows urban tribes to occupy unused portions of land with full intent to claim it after improvements are completed.
“And yes, we will build skyscrapers, stadiums, parks, low income housing and interstates just like we have in the real world,” said General Hickenlooper, who hopes to be knighted for his efforts.
The successful exploration puts to rest silly fears and ancestral myths that warn of a great abyss, west of Loveland Pass, that would suck foolhardy travelers into evil vacuums and suffocating cirques that pepper the landscape. The tales tell of surviving trekkers, that had drifted too far in any direction, inevitably falling off the steep, shear edge. Prospects had once allegedly included up front confrontations with a frightening sagebrush eternity full of predator colfax bruins and hungry brown cloud leopards.
When asked about the sparsely settled villages and sophisticated river communities (Grand Junction?) Hickenlooper said the stoned-age tribes inhabiting the terrain had nothing to fear.
“The blissful peoples who live west of here will share in the progress that is right around someone’s corner,” interjected Elway almost on cue. “We plan to create thousands of subsistence level jobs at minimum wage and show them what life is all about. Any malcontents and rebels can easily be shipped off to Zutah where they will live happily ever after on sunny, wide- open reservations, counseled by pompous, incapable federal and state ritual technicians with sociology degrees. It’s happened before and not so long ago, no?” – Harv Birdseede
Where are they now?
Snooping on Western Colorado graduates – July 10, 2015
Omar Zia (Delta High School ’59)
After eight years in the navy, Omar relocated to Pakistan where he spent ten years as the military dictator of that nation. Today he owns a liquor store in Orange County, California where he is the spiritual leader of the local Republican Party. He can be reached c/o the Swiss Embassy, Pahlavi Blvd., Baluchistan, Pakistan.
John Cody (Norwood High School ‘ 43)
John dropped out of Little Sisters of the Enrichment Institute and joined the priesthood after serving six years in the Marine Corps. He is currently Cardinal John Cody and resides in St Louis, Missouri where his bingo empire is estimated to be worth millions. Although he has become a recluse in the past few years, insiders say he makes a regular appearance at the Berra-Garagiola Fish Fry held every Friday night on Elizabeth Avenue.
Taza Simpson a don cabinas de votación
(Montrose, Colorado – 01 de abril 2015) La detención, cara pero familiar de la celebridad de dibujos animados Homer Simpson se paseará por todas las cabinas de votación oficiales en 2016. Simpson, que mejor ejemplifica la búsqueda sin sentido de la zanahoria siglo 21, a menudo arroja su voto basado en rumores, rumores y vallas publicitarias que lee en el camino al trabajo.
“Él es un gran fan de la radio demasiado e incluso capturas de unos pocos las noticias de televisión a menos que dosifica fuera en el sofá en su lugar”, dijo su esposa Marge. Esta es la cosa más grande que eso es todo sucedió a alguien en nuestra familia “.
Los analistas consideran que Homer Simpson podría ser el nuevo niño del cartel para el nuevo campesinado y la oligarquía estadounidense.
“Él no es real brillante”, dijo un conductista política “tiene miedo de lo que no entiende y puede ser fácilmente manipulada. Su toma de capacidades, nivel de conversación, y yo primero actitud, junto con la falta de madurez bien documentado y una personalidad seriamente subdesarrollada decisión que le hacen la elección perfecta “.
Simpson por poco superó a Jeb Bush y Hillary Clinton por el honor.
“Ahora todo lo que queda es elegir los colores para las cabinas. Espero que vamos a ir con el amarillo y el azul, con grandes ojos hinchados rojos y una barriga cervecera intrusa “, dijo un invento de las decoraciones. “Queremos que todos los puestos sean uniformes y todos los votantes que parecemos. Si eso no es la democracia que no sé lo que es. “- Ripple Van Winkle
Dog Rental Biz Booming in Butte
from The Butte Beagle – June 25, 2015
by Estelle Marmotbreath
Everywhere one sees people walking dogs…All shapes and sizes of dogs…and not just in Totem Pole Park or Bad Dog Alley either but up and down Elk Avenue. Sometimes it’s tough to tell who owns whom or better yet…who is renting man’s best friend for the day?
Renting a dog is easy and fun A visitor to the town can hire an escort of sorts and better fit in to a place gone dog-happy decades ago. Today there are no less than seven dog rental agencies operating in Gunnison and Hinsdale Counties and all are anticipating a strong fiscal showing in the second quarter.
“Small, happier dogs are the rage now and should finish well into the next two month span. Seasons change along with trends which go a long way toward dictating behavior on the street,” said Dag Katz, owner of pioneer Doggie No Bite Canine Rental, recognized as the father of the dog rental profession. “We offer all sorts of dogs since the weather up here is very kind to them. No fleas either,” he said.
“Of course when winter returns we will be beset with requests for Huskies, Malamutes and a Saint Bernard or two…the usual large, snow maniac/fireplace decoration. We should be taking delivery on out winter line any day now,” he fretted. “I just hope they get the sizes and colors straight.”
The expenses mount up to include training, nurturing and grooming as well as feeding, shots, collars, dishes and kennels.
“A person can spend a fortune feeding dogs in the off-season,” but without a secure staff in place we cannot handle demand during the high visitor months. Our dogs are good,” he smiled.
After six weeks of stringent obedience school each of our canines earns an associate degree in hospitality studies from Western State. All have mastered hand gestures, travel in the rear of pickups, fetch, howling at the moon and sitting outside bars for hours waiting for the most important person on earth to emerge from his darkened hole.
Fees run from $200 per day for more exotic breeds while an average “townie” brings $25. All have grown up here under the harsh totalitarian leash laws, but otherwise stressless environs. Be advised: If you have your heart set on a Golden Retriever on a Saturday in the summer you had better book well in advance.
Most encounters are pleasant although Katz recalls an episode when a otherwise gentle male German Shepherd named Z-Max kept a family of 4 at bay in the entryway when it became clear that they had neglected to return from the restaurant with a treat bag for Z-Max.
“They could be there still for all we know,” laughed Katz. “Usually my dogs can sniff out a turkey in the beginning. Imagine the rudeness of returning empty-handed to the lair. I think Z-Max felt like a cheap time share.”
And now, right on the heels of advancements in dog hair repellent Katz has announced a new line of pooper bags that are purchased outright by the environmentally conscious consumer.
“They are made of strong, bio-degradable dog poop and we don’t want them returned to us,” said Katz, turning serious for a moment. – Felix the Cat
Ridgway, Illinois Plans to Add “E”
This pleasant Gallatin County gem has decided to add the letter e to the official spelling of its name so as not to be confused with Ridgway, Colorado. Last night the Ridgeway council there voted 6-0 to add the vowel. Later the Republican council set August 5 as the date for the Democrats’ Chili Cook-off and Barbecue fund raiser in the town park. According to Democrats and the Farmer’s Almanac the first two weeks of August are the most likely time of the year for flooding.
In semi-related news, voters in Pankyville, over in Saline County, will go to the polls in a special referendum aimed at adding the letter s to its name. Residents there are said to be sick and tired of low rent jokes aimed at their village.
“The place was named for the leader of Our Gang, Spanky but fell into complication when people began dropping the s at the beginning of words like pneumonia or parsley, for that matter. “The fact that Stymie and often Farina, called our hero Panky has no bearing on this election.”
Readers may recall the final tally of a similar ballot held back in
December, when the town fathers and mothers of Ridgway, Pennsylvania renamed the place Ridgeway and then named it Ridgway back again while voters slept off a Christmas party. No other explanation would become available according to an official release. – Oral Waters