All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"

Broncos to Play 2015 Season Without Balls

(Fumble Flats — Someday Soon Press — September 20, 2015)

The NFL Denver Broncos will take on seasonal opponents without Balls having waved Monte Ball this year and Lance Ball in 2010. The first Ball, from Wisconsin, was a high draft choice that didn’t work out while the second Ball, from Maryland, was signed as a free agent in 2010 and waved soon after.

Both spent quite a bit of time on the practice squad and consistently dropped in the depth chart until the separation became academic.

There is no benefit reading to this article in that it is simply a cheap attempt to play on words and names of players so as to create an attention-getting headline. This sequence would not even get past proofreaders at the high school level.

No further information was available as to the whereabouts of either athlete at press time. We wish them success.

Seguridad Corpse Ofrecidos

Gunnison County Weed Eaters Anonymous – 16 de septiembre 2015

El oficialmente reconocidos, patentados y con jurado 2015 Curso de Seguridad de cortacéspedes se ofrecerá de nuevo este otoño a las personas que han dominado el plan de estudios preliminares verano. Programa de este año se centra en gran medida en la adaptación del sistema métrico y su aplicación a los enfoques más convencionales para el recorte.
La adhesión a s sencillo procedimiento paso a paso se traducirá en un menor número de accidentes con las palas del rotor y la insolación al acecho de acuerdo con autores intelectuales asociados con el proyecto.
Las personas nacidas después de marzo 1949 deben tomar este curso si tienen la intención de cortar el césped en el otoño. Se insta a los Otros, nacidos antes de inscribirse para las 400 horas de clases de los sábados, con el fin de permanecer en la cima de la evolución más reciente.
“Ofrecemos un montón de consejos para la seguridad del cortacésped, así como consejos de información privilegiada en el control de malezas y las técnicas de fertilización”, dijo el miembro de la junta Charlene Gascanne, entre las reuniones.
El costo de las clases es de $ 400 (compartimento cama un poco más) razonable y debe ser pagado por adelantado. Personas capturados siega (o comer malezas sin la debida certificación se rendirán privilegios césped y pueden enfrentarse a multas y penas de prisión -. Koko Nucla

BEAR SEASON IS HERE!

Black Bear are busy building up fat for hibernation. Whether you see one in the trash in the alley out among the berries or here on the Gunnison River it is probably a good idea to leave them alone since they are bigger & faster than you. ( “Bearbait” Toole photo)

Roadworkahead Incorporated

(Silverton — Observations of Road Damage — September 3, 2015)

Welcome Roadworkahead, Colorado — the newest incorporated town in Colorado! The governor and others awarded official status this morning in response to the new burgh’s constant presence, consistent survival figures and longstanding operations in one location.

“People have recognized Roadworkahead as a real place,” said Sergio Jingles, Special Assistant to the Governor in the Forgotten Provinces. “They go there.”
The designation carries with it certain benefits and responsibilities such as lucrative pioneer funding and adaptation of rigid state norms. Already Confront Range money has built a bridge and a recreation center contingent on compliance to Colorado restrictions on noise and visual pollution.

Qualifications include length of stay, infrastructure and social measures that chronicle human interaction and mercantile activity.

“Roadworkahead is the classic city on the hill,” said Jingles, which must strive to become a town like all of the other towns in this great state. If these considerations are not met in one year we pull the plug and it returns to a bump in the road, an asphalt pumpkin.”

No votes, straw or otherwise, have been cast on the issue since there are no actual residents of the new settlement.

“We expect that to change when we complete construction on gated communities and public housing,” said Jingles. “Potential middle class inhabitants, dwindling like the light of a fall evening, can fend for themselves.”
Today a new leash law was imposed even though there are no dogs in the new town.

“We must have the positive variables in place before we open the doors to immigration,” stressed Jingles who added that the town was currently searching for a town council and a good breakfast spot.”
– Melvin Toolini

When Should Kitty Start Dating?

with Dr Efram Z. Pennywhistle Jr.

(Crazy Cat Lady Canyon — Pampered Pet Parade — December 10, 2015)
If I’ve heard it once I’ve heard it a thousand times…”Dr. Efram, at what age is it safe for my cat begin dating?” That’s a good question. The answer depends on the make-up of the individual feline.
Some cats are mature at two or three years of age. Others, most notably toms are ready out of the hamper but cannot be counted upon to take responsibility for social consequences. A well-adapted cat can be ready to date earlier although with reservations. One unsupervised cat produced 15 litters before she even got her driver’s license. Sure, she was a slut but she had a lot of dates, hey?
In general, if the family cat was brought up properly and can distinguish between good and evil she should be able to be trusted on an early date with a respectable Tom (good luck) at adolescence. Don’t push Kitty into the social scene. Know where the two are headed, monitor behavior on the outing and have the male cat checked out by the local veterinarian.
When my sister’s car Evelyn began dating, my brother-in-law, Sal offered to drive her and her date to the movies. That could have worked well but Sal earned his fourth DUI, lost his license, and is in jail for a few months. My sister doesn’t drive because she is afraid of moving objects and she panics in even Hooterville traffic.
Now the cats must take the bus when they date, which opens up a whole new can of catnip.
In these potential dramas, as with all of life’s little trails, it is important to keep a clear head about you. Trust is the key. The way you treat your pet from the start will often define the animal you have underfoot later. This is also true of children, and to some degree, houseplants.
If this is all too confusing for some of you out there I suggest having the animal spade. Sure, there won’t be and grandkids but, and let’s get real here for a change: They weren’t really yours anyway.
Next Time: Tomcats, like all males, have only one thing on their demented, little minds. We’ll show you how to nip that urge in the bud right there in your own garage. This is Dr. Efram for Pampered Pet Parade.

Boogeyman Gets Chair

(Nightmare Chronicles — September 25, 2015)

(Wimpton) The infamous Boogeyman, the nemesis of every child at bedtime for decades, has been executed according to a copyright story in Bars and Stripes, a correctional industry mouthpiece. The unrepentant hobgoblin was in good spirits according to eyewitnesses, as he arrived at his last roundup at approximately 4:16 am Thursday.
He is believed to be the only character, cartoon or otherwise, to have expired within these pages in 38 years of publication.
Sources within the penal system confirmed reports that the Boogeyman refused the traditional blindfold so that he might “lock eyes with his executioner” at the time of his demise. He also refused a cigarette for health reasons, it was disclosed. All bereavements and condolences (if there should be any) should be directed to the Nightmare House, a rest home for retired fiends, monsters, demons and really big spiders.
Survived by close associates Ms. Bugaboo, Mr. Spook and the Your Own Shadow Brothers, he is best remembered for creating unfounded fear in the hearts of children. His habit of hiding behind drapes, lurking in closets and under beds has to be considered the classic fright meter of the century!
Although gone, it is unlikely that he will be forgotten.
Many rejoiced after a gubernatorial reprieve was denied on Wednesday, while the Boogeyman’s enthusiastic supporters called for “the closing of all abortion clinics and the construction of more prisons lickety-split.”
Meanwhile the shadow governor was last seen exploring the dark, dreary dungeons of his mansion on the hill. It is common knowledge at the state house that he has not ventured into those cellars since his election in 2002.
– Bunny Trimble