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Pope to give away Vatican fortune

(Rome) Pope Francis today broke from a 2000-year tradition with the announcement that he would redistribute the vast wealth of the Vatican. Initial allocations will begin flowing immediately with the primary recipients expected to be practicing Catholics living in poverty. In the spirit of Euchumenicalism other poor people, deemed deserving, could get in on the pay-out by early next year.

At present, most of the wealth is being directed to poor Catholics in South America and Africa where poverty marches hand-in-hand with religious fervor. Guidelines for future compensation to groups such as Native Americans and others who may have suffered due to Vatican imperialism over the centuries have yet to be established. The new liberal policies dictate that money be bestowed without prejudice to hungry sectors through Doctors Without Hoarders.

According to an official statement the Vatican has apologized for banking its fortune while so many people go without the basic necessities. 

“We know full well that this deserving constituency in evolving countries often engages in the practice of pagan rituals,” said Cardinal Emilio Zacola who, when the smoke cleared, almost became Pope Zacola last month. “We stole all those traditions and blended them into our own dogma back during the conquest/conversion of the heathens. I say let them have their idols and little gods. What’s it hurting? At least now they’ll have food to put on their table, if indeed they have a table.” 

The sum currently residing in Vatican coffers has been estimated at over twelve billion dollars, all of which will be given away according to ranking Cardinals.

The abrupt shift in fiscal policy is expected to benefit the world economy putting more money in circulation. Economists project that the increase in consumer ascendancy will strengthen democracy in developing nations as large segments of the population begin joining the middle class.

“The Master was very clear on the concept of helping the poor,” continued Zacola. “Ancient scripture has always talked about giving and receiving. With the exception of the Divine Right theories and rationalized greed all of the theologies agree. Now maybe all those references to the meek inheriting the earth will be put into practice,” he said. “We’re not implying that the Master was a Socialist but neither did he work on Wall Street or sit on the Trilateral Commission.”

In a related matter the Pontiff had no comment on rumors that the Vatican would pursue the privatization of the Confessional.

“There will be no arbitrary consideration on sins of omission,” he said, “but on Fridays we will run a happy hour special on absolution. It will go cheap. With all of our money gone we should be able to qualify for foreign aid from the industrialized nations.”                          

– Alfalfa Romero

 “It’s simple enough: If you want to sleep with Jane you’re gonna have to swing through some trees.”          – Tarzan