All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Elvis Living on Neptune Says WCU Prof
(Gunnison) The King, Elvis Presley, is alive and well on the planet Neptune according to a Western Colorado University professor who has been collecting evidence on the entertainer since his death in 1977.
Citing planetary sway and unmistakable sounds originating on Neptune, Professor Leroy Tinkleholland, head of the Department of Astronomy and Sports Medicine, contends that Elvis is living there.
“The planet is even developing a gravitational sneer much like the one popular with Elvis fans for decades,” he said. “Lately we’ve begun to see the initial plans for the filming of a bad Presley movie there and many younger Neptunians have begun dressing and acting like Elvis.”
Tinkleholland, speaking at the weekly Alien Night, hosted by the Alamo Bar, says Presley first visited Neptune to undergo therapy for drug addiction in the early Seventies. After falling from grace with fans later that decade he returned to rehab and has been there ever since. He offers no further proof of his curious summations.
Sources close to the professor remind readers that Tinkleholland is the standing expert of extraterrestrial doings in the Gunnison Valley. Research conducted since the Sixties has been held up as all but conclusive proof that space travelers were first drawn to this part of the world by the presence of rodeos and the cowboy culture.
“They (aliens) love to dress up like drugstore cowboys often showing up in ten-gallon hats and long-rider coats even in summer,” said Gary “Buck” Rogers, former publisher and fan of the professor’s work.
“I’ve never seen one of these space cowboys ride a bull. They swallow their chew, can’t rope worth a hoot and appear frightened of horses but they’re still hanging around the old corral. Look over there, in the corner…See that fellow in the Stetson and Tony Lamas. He’s not from around here.”
– Suzie Compost
Is Putin Jealous of Trump’s Hair?
(Moscow) Opponents of Vladimir Putin say the Russian demigod has a host of obsessive disorders noting that a newly surfaced malady is focused on Donald Trump’s hair.
Vlad Envy (Hooy morzhovy in Muscovite slang) a severe mania hair and fur fetish, has been entrenched in Russian culture since the days of Vladimir I. Due in part to the cold weather and access to large beasts the importance of hair has emerged in both literature and cuisine to which anyone who has ever read Dostoevsky’s The Idiot or been force-fed leftover borscht can attest.
For years the Russian people have been led to believe that the US President is wearing a toupee or some sort of wig. Now it all appears to have been a cover-up and attempt to distract from the level of jealousy that has now been exposed on the international stage.
“Just look at the two of them together and the expression on Putin’s face when Trump combs or brushes back his long orange hair,” said Fyodor Toolstoy, a Putin critic who has not been seen since the story broke Tuesday.
“A state of jealousy exists between our two countries, both with nuclear arsenals and the ability to deliver weapons of mass destruction,” said a Bolshevik Weekend, a party organ that spotlights fashion and hygiene and generally refrains from sojourns into the political arena.
“If this fixation is true why doesn’t Putin just go out and buy a wig,” said Nikolai Sonovavitch, a former St. Petersburg councilman. “With all his shady investments bankrolled by the people he certainly has the money. He could choose between red and red…anything but orange.”
Sonovavitch was noticeably absent from his daily devotional Mass this morning at Saint Okroshka Cathedral. Friends and family have asked for assistance in determining his present status and location.
Meanwhile Russian political analysts contend that this hair thing was cooked up by the CIA to embarrass Putin who, as most know, could not afford a haircut as a child.
“He has been quite transparent of late on matters concerning civility and etiquette,” said a popular talk show host on Radio Razvaluha, a pro-Putin station. “He has his own hair and most importantly a head to go with it.”
-Anastasia Sebastopol
Are you going to spend eternity in Hell ? Take our aptitude test
Our team down in Hell is reaching out to you…
Choose the one that doesn’t fit?
a. Jesus came back to the US all right, but he got deported.
b. Jesus was homeless in his thirties
c. Jesus will be back later today or tomorrow, or maybe next week.
d Jesus is not going anywhere. Why would he?
On what level 1- 10 to you agree with the following?
a. People on Federal Assistance are communists.
b. God does not love Iranians or Yankees
c. Hell isn’t so bad as long as you have en suite.
d. It’s OK to hate people of color just so long as you love Jesus
Who do you look toward for spiritual guidance on earth?
a. My stock broker
b My personal trainer
c the garbage man
d. the guys and gals in produce..
If you were called down to hell today what would you want to bring with you?
a. my electric fan and Jared Kushner
b. my bronco tickets and Jared Kushner
c. a sack of tacos and Jared Kushner
d. comfortable shoes and Jared Kushner
Where did you first hear of Hell?
a. on the golf course
b. my preacher
c. a fallen angel told me
d. ads on CNN
Why do you think you should be spared from eternal damnation?
a. Because I have always had nice teeth
b. because I cannot tolerate running short of ice cubes
c. because I haven’t finished my last bottle of single malt
d. because I am wealthy
Choose your biggest fear.
a. a meteor will hit my TV antenna
b I will have to walk more than 400 feet in one “outing”
c Wal-Mart will be closed forever when I get there
d. my children will turn out like me
Relay your fondest moment on earth
a. the day I figured out that hot dogs won’t kill me, right away
b. buying discount ammo
c. when I found out how to operate a drone while asleep
d. the day my cat returned, after a 12-year absence.
Hell originated due to
a. an accident on I-25
b. the need for a place without social distancing
c. overcrowding in the Congress
d some old fart inattentively burning ditches in the spring wind
Which of the following best describes your take on Satan and his agenda?
a. I don’t think he cares about the poor or the forgotten all that much.
b. He couch surfs the mega churches.
c. Everyone knows he’s a great shortstop but can’t hit the curve
d. Does he have golf courses and live in a white mansion just a quick step away from oblivion?
Describe the topography and weather in hell
a. flat, hot, windy
b. asphalt walls and ceilings, cool nights
c. simultaneous flooding, drought and pro wrestling upstairs
d. everything is uphill, high humidity, no trees, rats
Who else do you think is already in hell?
a. Hitler and Stalin
b The Conquistadors, the Pharisees, John Chivington and Andrew Jackson
c Marie Antoinette and Louis XIV, along with Napoleon.
d. Your Uncle Bob from Grand Junction
Which of the following are major concerns to both the proprietors and residents of hell?
a The Second Amendment
b flies
c global warming
d eating a healthy breakfast
More next week
FDA secretly tested flour tortillas in face of medical mask shortages
(San Andreas, CA) The United States Food and Drug Administration today revealed that it has been clandestinely testing flour tortillas as substitute medical masks in light of shortages in hospitals and on the street in 2020. The announcement, although a surprise to some, was quickly digested by most in that the concept is quite simple.
The unheated tortillas have elastic properties that, although limited, can be arranged to fit most faces tightly and securely. When the tortilla/mask is applied properly it will cover most mouth and nasal areas of the face with room to spare. Larger faces will need the family style version of the popular flatbread while smaller faces and children can get by with the casita style, which is smaller.
Researchers acknowledged that some flour particles stick to the wearer’s mug but that the pancakes breath nicely and emit a pleasant aroma even when worn for hours. People with beards did not like them nor did those with small chins
Consumers have been cautioned against using sopaipillas or arepas since they are not airtight. Likewise corn tortillas are ineffective since they are more brittle and do not mold to the lower cheeks or jowls.
Reaction to this potential use for tortillas has created a stir in some Hispanic communities but little hoarding has occurred.
“Those gringo tortillas that you buy at the grocery are not the real things anyway,” said Hectora Simon Ramone, a professor of food science at Cal Polygamy here in the California desert. “The real ones are homemade by the campesinos and their family recipes are not shared with government agencies.”
In addition the FDA further suggests that taco shells, artisan breads, egg roll wrappers, kabob rolls, pita bread and vegetarian wraps do not work well due again to inconsistencies in the makeup and distinct ethnic flairs.
When asked about other pantry items that might ease palpable shortages of ventilators available from the federal government a FDA source said, “That’s not our department. Call your governor.”
– Pepper Salte, Food Editor
Guernica remembered, April 26, 1937
The above painting by Pablo Picasso depicts the carpet-bombing of the Basque town of Guernica, Spain on April 26, 1937 by the Condor Legion. It was the first time civilians had been targeted from the air. The German Luftwaffe, allies of the Nationalists, engaged in an attack on the town as part of an attempt to destroy morale and develop methods of strategic bombing. It resulted in the deaths of 400 people. The Nazi aircraft bombed the town, of no military value, with high explosive and incendiary bombs that reduced the place to rubble. The initial plan called for the bombing of a bridge and a railway station but the violence from the sky got out of hand quickly. The Nazis claimed the smoke forced them to drop their bombs blindly. Even the bloodthirsty Franco was appalled by the murders. Later both the Nazis and the Nationalists denied responsibility blaming the incident on retreating Loyalist troops.
Kushner to play self in classic teen movie
(Follywood) White House executive sycophant, celebrated real estate tycoon and son-in-law to Donald Trump, Jared Kushner, will star in a new film called “Greedy Little Shits”
In what insiders called a lucrative contract, Kushner, who has plenty of acting experience as a successful Mideast negotiator and thanks to his current role as pandemic mainstay, will play himself in a desperate remake of Beach Blanket Bingo with snatched scenes from Taxi Driver and The Shining.
Jared Kushner has signed on to play The Evil Twit in Greedy Little Shits, a soon-to-be-released teen rage film.
It was not clear if supporting roles would be offered to other members of the Trump family, co-producers of the film. Ivanka has reportedly auditioned for the part of Muffy, a dingy lifeguard who hates sand but is in love with herself while Donald Junior is a lock to play a crooked hot dog vender according to Mike Pence, executive director of the picture.
“We would like to use other idle members of the family to play pivotal roles addressing such issues as gun rights, racial harmony, religious freedom and world diplomacy,” said Pence. “We were looking for a teenager to play the lead but Jared is both immature and downright mean, two valuable assets we cannot do without during these troubled times.
In a seriously unrelated statement Pence then reiterated a recent claim that neither he or President Trump was gay or communist “like all those Hollywood types”. Unreliable sources in Washington offered no comment to this assertion that Greedy Little Shits is a movie for all Americans.
“If you don’t like the production you hate America and are a terrorist,” said Pence.
Critics see the production as another attempt to placate supporters who are expected to flock to the theaters despite social isolation edicts and social distancing ordinances. Trump Has projected a box office smash. Medical experts (doctors) predict a spike in people testing positive for Corona19 Virus.
“Oh well,” said one left-leaning physician from California.
The film is based on the best-shelling book How To Profit From the Misery of Others by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
“We’ve done a lot, a lot on this,” said Trump. “Obama never made a movie. It will be a terrific thing for all patriotic Americans.”
-Kashmir Horseshoe
