All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Reporter’s Briefing in Purgatory Alarms Ecclesiastics
Melvin O’Toole’s brief sojourn to Purgatory, (not to be confused with Paraguay) was not planned. Like a lot of other metaphysical marvels it kind of just kinda fell out of the sky, or at least he did.
The mysterious and proverbial holding tank, reputedly a place that accommodates souls not exactly eligible for heaven but not quite damned to hell, does not accept drop-ins and has no patience for the growing number of lost spirits seeking reconciliation before moving on to a more stable eternity.
“When Toole popped in we were engaged in a game of darts and we needed a target,” said a longtime gatekeeper in the misty fog that covers the impenetrable lakes and marshes doubling as access paths and roadways in or out of the intermediate state of existence.
“He was perfect in that he was round, moved slowly and didn’t seem to mind the darts bouncing off him,” said the gatekeeper. “He probably thought it was part of the purification process or the cleansing before he moved on.”
During the entire outing O’Toole kept his eyes open and his mouth shut. Somewhat hesitant to describe his experience upon return, he focused on visible impacts such as the countless car washes that pepper the spotless landscape.
“I was held in the reception area for over two hours while they decided what to two with me,” O’Toole said. “It looked like a corporate-induced buffet breakfast nook at a generic interstate motel where everyone grabs and chows down on USDA recommended chemicals for the day. No personality whatsoever. No one talks to each other.”
Since I was flying standby I did not even receive a welcome kit. The attendants laughed when I politely asked: “Where to next? I have a voucher from one of the airlines that lists my final destination as heaven”
In a related piece aliens from thirteen different celestial bodies and six galaxies have asked that earthlings stay where they are until they resolve glaring inadequacies that threaten to destroy their social experiments once and for all.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Senator Backpedals on Tattoo Cure
(Washington) Senator Paula Parvenu is in full denial this morning after seemingly compromising herself over claims that tattoos could cure Coronavirus-19.
“I never said that, said Parenu. It’s fake news.”
Clinging to her renunciation even after her original statement was blasted all over the media just two days ago, the senator said the TV footage and taped recordings were the work of anarchists who hate America.”
“How could tattoos heal anything?” she smiled. “I don’t have a one and I am healthy.”
On Saturday the US Department of Health dismissed claims that tattoos might be effective in combating some viruses as idle chatter with no bearing on reality. Leading tattooists concur, adding that the younger age of the average tattoo enthusiast is definitely in their favor.
Many within Parvenu’s constituency are familiar with brain gas and intellect explosions common to her shaky tenure. They see the current bedlam as just another hoax like the GOP tax cuts and Donald Trump’s spiritual commitment.
-Fred Zeppelin
County Could See Solar Cows by 2025
(Ridgway) If genetic research stays on track local solar-operated cattle could grace local pastures by spring. Already progress has been swift in the area of bovine support systems and fuel additives aimed at changing the way the animals get their nourishment.
For centuries domestic cows have been fed on grasses and other roughage with predictable results on the methane gas end. There is also the rising cost of suitable fuel and the constant clean-up effort. With the application of solar principles the tedious chores of feeding and irrigation will end, the entire operation run by one person from his laptop.
“Some old-timers are resistant to these genetically altered improvements,” said Dr Alice Phallfa, of Sunnyside Slope Extension Service. “But they had better get out the way. Science marches on, even in the hay fields and barnyards of jerkwater America.”
Phallfa says the concept is solid and that cows can run on power generated by the sun for up to 15 hours per day. In addition they do not wander far from pasture batteries and elaborate systems of fence are no longer necessary.
“The quality of dairy products and beef does not suffer in the solar test breeds either,” she continued. “In fact many people prefer solar produced milk and cheeses. We hope to expand this breakthrough to include goats and sheep too.”
Phallfa refused to comment when asked about the controversial Morning After Mad Cow Pill which is already in circulation in places like Asia, Africa, Europe, South America, Mexico and Canada.
“We’d like to thank the San Juan Horseshoe for the extensive coverage of a subject that other periodicals are afraid to undress,” she skirted. “Without courageous journalists like this we’d be back in the stoned age.”
In a related update it appears that the Ridgway Farmer’s Market has beat the white slavery rap that has hounded that agricultural contingent for the past months.
“We do not and have never sold farmers at any of our produce affairs,” said a spokesperson. “We do not condone human bondage, unless of course it is within the privacy of the home and with adult consent, and have never suggested it as a viable alternative to free range eggs or organic lettuce.”
Off the record the spokesman admitted that white slavery might be lucrative, especially during the winter months but that the population no longer seems interested in buying farmers anymore what with the new City Market and all the wonderful fast food outlets only a short drive away in Montrose.
It was not clear if any of this indicates a general economic slowdown across the nation or if humans would survive another decade eating out of cans.
– Melvin O’Toole
Melvin O’Toole has published over 10,000 articles on hermetically altered foods. He won a Pulitzer Prize in 1995 for word length in his literary contribution Them Beets Are After Me, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
Former newspaper joins gov’ment in printing funny money
(Colona) They’ve fired up the web press over at the abandoned depot here churning out the fourth lot of US currency backed by nothing more than hopes and good wishes.
Adorned and enhanced by the alphabetical portraits of obscure US Presidents the bills look the same as official tender but without religious references or pyramids. John Adams, cousin Quincy, Chester A. Arthur and James Buchanan highlight the first four runs and they’re reportedly gearing up for the two Bushes, Jimmy Carter and Grover Cleveland tonight.
“We’ll see this through Washington and Wilson if need be,” promised an unidentified pressman. “Already we have numismatics banging on the door looking for tokens. Some say they are waiting for the Millard Fillmore or Martin Van Buren bill to be released. They say dollars embellished with the faces of these ambiguous souls will be worth more than their denominations in no time at all.”
This rogue production has been funded and piloted by the San Juan Horseshoe since May without federal sanction or endorsement of any kind. The currency, limited to 20s and 50s has been circulated in needy sectors where front-line workers live. Calling the money counterfeit local treasury officials pledged to “come down hard” on the printing operation.
The Horseshoe was published for 43 years as a newspaper and has now morphed into a slick website: sanjuanhorseshoe.com. The editors say they have grown tired of pledges from the Treasury Department that the irresponsible printing of currency would terminate just as soon as the economy returns to normal.
“How long has the US dollar been off the gold standard or even the silver standard?” asked one master printer. “All we’re trying to do is funnel the money into the right hands. We all saw where many of the PPP and SBA loans ended up.
“The problem is that they have the entire plant camouflaged to look like an old school house,” said one mint enthusiast. “We have narrowed it down to one of five existing structures. Now all we have to do is look for ink marks and listen to the soothing sounds of a sheet-fed press in action.”
The Great Communicator draws a mustache on a Rutherford B Hayes portrait while his loving wife, Nancy looks on approvingly
The illegal printing of unsecured currency takes place after dark and the new money is moved from place to place in small batches in private vehicles. Most remains in the state but the crisp new bills have been spotted as far away as Moline.
“They’re just doing the same thing as the feds,” said Lacey Gutenberg, an attorney for the precise engravers who plan to release coinage into the uncertain atmosphere as a protest against flimsy legal tender. “The feds print play money and so do my clients.”
Currently clandestine collaborators are searching for a complimentary Ronald Reagan portrait to use on an organic, commemorative $100 that is wholly edible and easily converted into a life preserver in the event of a crash.
-Tommy Middelfinger
Zombie Banking Enjoys Day in the Sun
Zombie banking appears to be at its pinnacle after disclosures that some 1.4 billion dollars has been sent to the dead as part of an Coronavirus economic stimulus.
Whether surviving recipients of the misguided checks will have to pay back the money was not clear although Treasury Department sources insisted that recently reported numbers are askew and that only around 2 billion was forwarded in appropriately.
“We sent out billions and they are making a stink about a few humanitarian windfalls that went to the dear and departed,” cried one accountant who said he was out smoking a cigar when the final figures were tabulated.
Other payouts have reached those who are still alive for now but are taking few precautions in the face of a pandemic. Federal spokespeople would not comment when asked if the whole charade was dependent on a continued death chant.
“Our worse case scenario is that a countryman receives a check then drops dead before he can cash it,” said a top-level treasury official.
Critics of the mass payout say the government has no right to print hoards of money and distribute it in such a haphazard manner.
And some say voting by mail would lead to disaster.
– Small Mouth Bess
