All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

RISING SEA LEVELS THREATEN OFF SHORE ACCOUNTS

Leading meteorologists and climate experts, banned from White House-sponsored meetings on climate change, say that raising ocean levels will create havoc in seaboard locales as early as next summer.

One particularly vulnerable target of this planetary phenomena are the countless off-shore money pits created by tax-evading corporate executives and the idle rich.

“Building your house on sand.. and all of that rot, has come home to a soggy roost,” said a scientist who has spent the last 30 years studying sea lions in coastal environs.

“We have seen raising water, vicious storm patterns and even aggressive behavior by generally docile sea lions against swimmers in the Pacific,” she said. “We can expect more attacks by animals who may end up as the caretakers of the planet after we humans extinguish ourselves. At the present you can pretty much bet there won’t be a lot of drilling or fracking near these sacred off-shore accounts which could further destabilize the nautical environment.”

The big question remains: Is terra firma resilient enough to handle the weight of this pecuniary cornucopia and assorted emotional baggage generated and exacerbated by the presence of criminals on these once lovely beaches. It looks like Atlantis for the Wealthy, where tax evasion replaces Neptune as King of the Oceans.

Both sides of the controversy agree that the flooding of these fiscal redoubts is an unintended result of the continuing denial of man-made climate change.

Yesterday Coast Guard Intercepts 4 massive yachts carrying precious metals, gems and gold bars as well as building supplies to an undisclosed destination. Unreliable sources here believe the ships were bound for legendary off shore accounts, owned by the rich and immoral.

GOP politicians and others remain at risk on the mainland due to leaks in the ceiling over at the House of Reprehensibles.

A salty, sodden blueprint, discovered in Vice President Mike Pence’s purse by what GOP patriots called “gay communist agents of Iran”, calls for 75 mansions to be raised in the new maritime communities. “If the Israelis can do it, albeit in semi-desert, so can we on the high seas.” it bragged.

In other news House Republicans have passed what feeble Democrats call “a biased and weighted” Pinnochio Resolution, despite the fact that no one had bothered to read the fable. The new bill lubricates diminished rights, theft of safety net benefits, the adoption of mistruths and hoarding of other people’s money.

For an unrelated but just terrific story please turn to Broncos put off at exclusion from Weekly NFL Highlights – Our boys are consistently left off due to poor play. in Soft News

Adopt a Congressman! The corporations certainly have.

Employing the Traditional Columbium Pull-Away

Take Winter Health Warnings To Heart

(Montrose) Local physicians here agree even without a flu shot most of us will survive the winter. Besides being colder and noticeably darker the period from December through February holds many unpleasant surprises for the uninitiated. Getting stuck in the snow or coming home to frozen pipes is nothing compared to life-threatening disease, brain deterioration and slow starvation.

First and foremost residents and visitors alike are reminded that dog hair and ashes are not a suitable substitute for daily fiber in one’s diet. While these household particles may seem normal to most of us we cannot ignore our need for nutritional balance. Of course we have come a long way since bleeding with leeches, mindless limb amputations and primitive chanting but watch out for nouvelle vague trends such as consensual cannibalism, leftover colcannon and sneeze warts as the winter drags on. In the final analysis these ribald solutions help nobody and can cause lots of problems down the road. Cutting edge doctors suggest a nice tumbler of aged Nicaraguan rum with every meal (especially breakfast) and two before bed. The balance of reality to perception must be explored!

Even if you are a strict vegetarian doctors here suggest that you apply a liberal amount of writer’s block on your face and extremities when venturing out into the Colorado sunshine. Avoiding the harmful rays of self-absorption and literary prowess is not only logical but it’s the law! Ignore your health and your storybook existence will soon be in the dumpster with all the bad novels and crummy films that one could suffer in a lifetime.

– Dianna Pettifogger

Continued when your next health insurance bill arrives

January Could Stick Around a Little Longer Than Usual

(Whether Channel, Irish Sea) The often-tedious month of January may last a little longer than 31 days in 2018 according to weather forecasters here on the River Liffey. The projected extension could be particularly hard-felt in mountainous regions of North and South America as well as in the Alps and the Himalayas.

Regions near sea level will experience an increase in moisture but no extreme temperatures often common to January. In the higher elevations, Old Man Winter, often represented by a grim reaper type character, is expected to dole out harsh weather systems common to the month in question. This pattern could remain in effect until mid-May.

“The problem originates with a massive calendar catastrophe way back in 3000 BC when Sumerians failed to turn their clocks back to account for a jump in leap years and the solar and lunar eclipse of 2999,” said one researcher here. “Sure it took almost 500 years but the phenomenon finally caught up with us.”

In layman’s terms, it appears that, after all this time has passed; we owe the calendar about 68 days, which would be made up between January 31 and May 15. Concerned citizens are requested to observe an assortment of weather maps available over at the federal gov’ment. Farmers are urged to maintain their regular routine and not change planting procedures or animal husbandry methodology.

“We’re not calling for mass alarm,” continued the weather scientist. “It’s not like sun spots or global warming…but only a simple calendar adjustment and some inconvenient extended winter conditions hanging around a little longer. It’s nothing to worry about, believe me. Sometimes I wonder why we tell you people anything at all,” he frowned.

For further information consult your cell phone.  -Fanny Albright

Snoring Decathlon Jogs Ancient Dilemma

(Pitkin) With an approving nod to all world-class snorers arriving here this weekend, we present some background and yes, some drivel, in an attempt to educate the populace as to what goes on around them.

Cabin fever undressed! Safety nets be damned. Rattling windows and the sawing of logs will soon fill the February air.

But what of these VIP snoozers, who many experts in the field say represent the best on the planet? Are they disruptive monsters or are they visiting angels? Are they human at all? Is snoring a gentle blessing or a raging plague of nocturnal grunting? Is it a sign of ultimate relaxation or does it telltale of a respiration challenged malady?

We hope to answer a plethora of other questions while presenting well-researched data as well as calming misnomers about the peculiar sounds and contortions associated with the art*** itself.

Ed note: Do not call our offices for tickets since the entire competition is free. All events

begin at bedtime. For a digital scorecard see the tall man in the cowboy hat just outside Ohio City.

Snore Survival and Sound Sleep

The peaceful snoring man is an anomaly to many and sure, women snore too but they usually sound like a bird or a small herd animal and not a polar bear. Put a sock in it is only an expression and can bring on suffocation or worse. In the strawberry twilight of a new love affair she says “Oh I love your snoring. When you purr like that it makes me feels secure.” After a month or so it’s “Stop it or I’m going to sleep in the gate house.”

According to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders until the 1950s, most people thought of sleep as a passive, dormant part of our daily lives. We now know that our brains are very active during sleep. Moreover, sleep affects our daily functioning and our physical and mental health in many ways that we are just beginning to understand.

Rip Van Winkle, who some say slept for 50 years,  didn’t miss much as far as he can remember anyway  “…what with dirt and rain and sunshine washing and drying him, he was quite the natural specimen with rodents building nests in his pants legs and shit birds living in his shaggy beard*

From -“The I Can’t Sleep Book” by Melvin Toole. Riveting sequel to both Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings and Breakfast at Stockmen’s.

Sleeper Cells – Who are you sleeping with anyway?

On average 1/3 of one’s life will be spent sleeping.

Support groups such as Sleep Walkers Anonymous undress the concept of sleep as a desired destination. Snoring is seen as a tool toward that particular goal or in rare cases a deterrent to the normal body flow that leads to sleep (especially for others). “My name is Martin and I snore. No coffee – No cigarettes – No saved. I just want to stop snoring.”

From the time your noggin hits the pillow to the crusted morning dream debris in your eyes you should be one with the mattress. There are no loud noises in the Land of Nod. There are no sudden emergencies while resting in the arms of Morpheus. Shut-eye is definitely the gateway drug to snoring.

When searching for the termination to your own particular brand of snoozes interruptus several primitive solutions come to mind. The most common is counting sheep. If you have no sheep go and get some. Livestock rustling is better after dark and, since you are awake anyway, why linger?

Between the sheets – Will making the bed end the chaos?

We are often faced with more serious issues like sleep apnea, chronic fatigue, high blood pressure, weight gain, heart failure, stroke and even increased risk of premature death. No need for guilt – Step up to the plate. A little early morning courage has a  major impact on wrong side of the bed syndrome. Making the bed – sweeping dreams under the carpet? A sense of order after the chaos of sleeplessness? Rarely. It is just another fruitless exercise in self-denial

Fortunately most people are awake for sex. Reference to the comforts of non-sexual foreplay is no more than a pretentious bedtime for bozos. Be sure to take out dental mouthpiece apparatus with tongue straps, can the chew and turn off the television before engaging.

The sleeping chamber should be welcoming even to the head case who worries about falling asleep. Try music to sooth. A bottle of wine works for some but not every night.

Routine bed times, relaxation remedies such as yoga and meditation are invaluable. Exercise during daytime hours allows the sleeper/snorer to get on top of the situation and enjoy those magic moments before slumber advances. What one wears to bed is also a consideration. Avoid loud colors and intricate patterns on clothing. Dress down or get up! Go with simple or go with nothing at all.

Sleep can be defined as the natural periodic suspension of consciousness to restore. Snoring, although an audio demonstration of restfulness, can deprive one of deep sleep and may also be distracting to others who are trying to snooze. Oddly enough, many chronic snorers do not snore during siesta. Researchers remain puzzled as to why.

Take our little test

Define the following words:

1. nepenthean

2. soporific

3. poppied

4. comatose

Would you rather watch paint dry of catch a baseball game to fall asleep?

Multiple choice: Which of the following are beneficial to falling asleep?

1. arms to the side blood flow

2. stretch slightly then relax

3 clear head of all that might be unpleasant or demanding

4 see yourself sawing logs

5. landing a job as an air traffic controller

What is the difference between somnambulism and noctambulism?

Name 25 Hibernation techniques.

Which of the following has been proven most effective in prevention of low, guttural noises in the middle of the night?

Go for a walk on a miserable evening.

Work on a boring project.

Spend the night in a jail cell.

Spend the night in the stables or garage – comfort of own bed will be more enticing.

Duct tape your mouth to your nose.

Pray before bed, realizing that you will no doubt be saved while so many others will spend eternity in hellfire.

Further Fears

Bed wetting sounds a different alarm creating victims from the ranks of snoring – Reptile oil may actually work here but can cause victim to shed skin twice a year. (Patent filed Dec 6, 1927)

Fear of falling out of bed does not merit its own phobia. Fear of falling is listed as basophobia or acrophobia. Wear a helmet if you’re sleeping in the top bunk, employ a net and always keep a night light in reach for those pissing matches that arrive before dawn.

Hypnotism encourages mommy syndrome where someone else is telling you when to go to sleep. Blinders may help one sleep but will do nothing to alleviate snoring unless the mask is mounted on the mouth’s pallet which can be uncomfortable and highly toxic.

 *Epimenides snoozed in a Grecian cave for 57 years and that boy woke up smart. But he started telling everyone how to live, explaining the secret of life, until someone got pissed off at his pontificating and killed him. Sleeping Beauty was a virtual snoring machine until Prince Charming wiped her brow and rescued her from an eternity of drowsiness accompanied by a slight headache. Vishnu snored away the heat of South Asian nights with the help of 18 slaves with palm leaves going in a circular pattern at 12-hour stints.  Gods often do well in sleep-related scenarios.

**Famous snorers, insomniacs and people who got by on little sleep include Einstein, King Xerxes, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Saint Lucille, Mario Andretti, Damon Runyon,  Jezebel, Mickey Mantle, Aaron Burr,  Mother Cline, Molly Brown, Ambrose Bierce, Floyd Little, Maradona, Napoleon and Joan of Arc.

***slumber / industrial snoring. Surreal visions of pharaohs and funeral pyres.

TRUMP ENDORSES PUTIN FOR PRESIDENT

Putting to rest fears that he would support Vladimir Putin for President of the United States, Donald Trump today endorsed the Russian leader for President of The Russian Federation.

While European Union analysts suggest that Putin doesn’t need much help in his bid for reelection there is “always the outside chance” that he will not be elected and will be forced to assume his iron grip through more circuitous, surreptitious channels.

“Putin will be running the show here no matter how the voting turns out,” said Opposition leader Alexey Navalny, a prominent anti-corruption activist, who has been barred from running for president after what many see as a trumped up fraud conviction.

The polls indicate that Putin, a former KGB Lieutenant Colonel, is a sure winner despite whatever charades accompany the actual election. He has been in power for 18 years and has brought Russia from the chaos of Glasnost to a czar-like, totalitarian state where political protest is not tolerated.

“What’s a little hacking, doping, gangsterism, imposed sanctions among friends?” said White House statement. “We applaud  Putin’s stamina and his handling of the press as well as other dissent.

Putin has been in control since 1999, making him the longest sitting Russian ruler since Joseph Stalin and his infamous mustache/bigote which he started growing after the Kerensky Offensive.