All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Person of the Decade: Jose Alberto Mujica Cordano
President of Uruguay 2011 to 2015, Pepe Mujica, a former guerilla with the Tupamaros, was imprisoned for 13 years during the brutal military dictatorship in the 70s and 80s. He has been described as the “world’s humblest president” due to his austere lifestyle and his donation of around 90% of his $12,000 monthly salary to charities that benefit poor people and small entrepreneurs. He still drives his old VW bug. Of Spanish Basque ancestry, Mujica, with fellow Social Democrat Tabare Vasquez (not pictured here), have steered the country in a progressive direction substantially reducing poverty while raising the standard of living to the highest on the continent. Under his direction all drugs were recently legalized with addiction treated as a disease rather than a crime. A leader who puts the needs of his people first, he is everything our greedy, narcissistic leaders are not. Presidente de Uruguay 2011 a 2015, Pepe Mujica, ex guerrillero de los Tupamaros, fue encarcelado durante 13 años durante la brutal dictadura militar en los años 70 y 80. Ha sido descrito como el “presidente más humilde del mundo” debido a su estilo de vida austero y su donación de alrededor del 90% de su salario mensual de $ 12,000 a organizaciones benéficas que benefician a personas pobres y pequeños empresarios. Todavía maneja su viejo error VW. De ascendencia vasca española, Mujica, junto con su colega socialdemócrata Tabaré Vásquez (no fotografiado aquí), han dirigido al país en una dirección progresiva reduciendo sustancialmente la pobreza y elevando al mismo tiempo el nivel de vida al más alto del continente. Bajo su dirección, todas las drogas fueron legalizadas recientemente y la adicción fue tratada como una enfermedad más que como un crimen. Un líder que prioriza las necesidades de su gente, es todo lo que nuestros codiciosos y narcisistas líderes no son.
SPORTS SHORTS, 1920
Ruth Sold to Yankees
(New York – January, 1920) Pitcher George Herman “Babe” Ruth was sold by the Boston Red Sox to the New York Yankees for $125,000. It was the highest sum ever paid for a baseball player. Ruth, who hit 29 home runs last season had asked for a $10,000 salary increase to $20,000 per year. Ruth will pitch and play outfield for the Yanks.
Black Sox Scandal Rocks National Pastime
(Chicago – September, 1920) Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted this week on charges that they conspired with gamblers on the 1919 World Series against Cincinnati. Among those charged were “Shoeless” Joe Jackson, Ed Cicotte, Hap Felsch and Swede Risberg. All could spend 5 years in prison if convicted.
First Winter Olympics in France
(Chamonix, France – January, 1924) Scandinavians dominated the first winter games held here this week. Although winter sports had been included in some earlier Olympics of the modern era it was the first time it was designated as the official Winter Olympics. American, Charlie Jetraw won the speed skating championship for that country’s only gold medal. Jetraw incurred the wrath of fundamentalists and was later committed to a Colorado mental hospital for suggesting that man would someday make snow.
Gertrude Ederle Swims English Channel
(Cape Gris-Nez, France – August -1926) New Yorker Gertrude Ederle became the first woman to swim the English Channel today accomplishing the feat faster than any of the men who have done it over the past 50 years. Her biggest delay came when customs officials in England insisted on interrogating her before allowing her to come on shore. After arriving at her hotel she told reporters, “Now I believe I’ll have a hot bath.”
Colorado Native, Dempsey, Loses Title Bid
(Chicago – September, 1927) The Manassa Mauler failed in his attempt to dethrone Gene Tunney and regain his heavyweight title tonight. Although Dempsey sent his competitor sprawling in the seventh round he failed to return to a neutral corner and lost five seconds in the knockout count.
Flagpole-sitter loves his job
(New York – August, 1929) Flag-pole sitting champion “Shipwreck” Kelly deserves his title “Luckiest Fool Alive” especially after 35 hours, 12 minutes and 40 seconds on a flag above the Flatiron Building on Fifth Avenue. Once the tallest building in the world at 20 stories the site is said to exhibit some of the strangest wind currents on record. Kelly, a former rodeo star from Norwood, Colorado says, “Nothin’ to it. He plans an industrial pole-sit above the Stock Exchange on October 24.
Featured Buried News:
The U.S. House of Reprehensibles is reputedly perched to repeal the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights according to persons familiar with these documents.
The move is reportedly planned for Super Bowl Sunday when most of the nation will be distracted by manufactured violence, released in small segments, hinged to mindless pop culture mega-events.
The US Constitution appears to be in Cross Hairs too despite phony embraces and claims to the contrary.
“It’s no big loss,” said one Republican. “Nobody reads past the first few lines anyway.”
It was not known if this effort was linked in any way to the alleged plans by the Trump people to radically change the New Testament so as to more stringently reflect and enforce the views of the Deep Shit State.
‘The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those that speak it.’
– George Orwell
Monsanto will distribute medical marijuana in most states
(Washington) In an attempt to get a grip on the citizen demands to legalize marijuana in more than 20 states the White House has announced a merger with the Monsanto Corporation that would clear the way for the chemical giant to sell pot. We have designated our friends over at Monsanto as exclusive agent for cannabis production and distribution.
“We are pleased to put this controversial drug in the hands of a responsible party that sincerely cares for the health of our constituents,” said a press release found under the office door this morning.
In what is estimated to be a lucrative, billion dollar contract Monsanto agrees to grow and distribute marijuana through exiting channels and add more convenience stops as the year progresses. Whether options will be available in states where the drug is already legal is slated to be discussed Wednesday.
“We see ourselves much like the Starbucks cartel,” said a source at Monsanto, self-described champions of genetically produced crops. “People are gobbling up our fake tomatoes and high fiber rice now. We can’t wait to see the herds lining up for scientifically induced bud.
On Wall Street Monsanto has already moved to secure many satellite companies that manufacture junk food and hopes to soon dominate the Munchie Exchange with the bullish dumping of fertilizer stocks for recreational commodities.
-Fred Zeppelin
“Religion is no substitute for morality”
– Manfred Alabaster Krone
FOX TO PAY VOUCHERS TO ENTHUSIASTS, COHORTS
Viewers who publicly endorse the FOX News philosophy and regularly parrot statements heard on the network, will begin receiving cash payments as part of Operation Wool Eyes starting next week.
The recipients of the checks are expected to continue to disseminate questionable “facts” and hateful gossip in low-end intellectual circles according to people familiar with the payouts. The checks will be sent in brown paper envelopes with no return address for security purposes.
“FOX supporters have reacted to money like chickens pecking for corn in controlled psychological experiments,” said Edward R. Toole, author of Where is the FCC? Imposters in a Counterfeit Newsroom.
Toole calls most television news “bogus at best” but points to FOX as the most damaging to the American consciousness. He equates an audience that embraces and advances misleading stories to cigarette smokers who deny the dangers of second-hand smoke.
“They would rather espouse hypocrisy and cling to scheming propaganda disguised as news than research the issues,” he continued. “Opinions are like..you know… Everybody has one.
“The talking heads at FOX barely qualify as reactionaries since they don’t actually react but rather substitute fabricated news that fans the fires of ignorance and mistrust,” he explained.
“MSNBC, CNN , and even NPR are no longer worth their salt since they have dropped the ball and sold out, accepting advertising from evil corporate entities such as Wal-Mart, Monsanto and a bevy of fast food chains. These news sources are not valid either since they advance their own fiscal agendas at the expense of well rounded information and thus a more educated public.”
FOX has reportedly come out of the closet on the pay vouchers/checks after realizing that the American people were not paying attention to any of the network’s deceitful policies.
“It’s not hard to herd sheep,” said Toole. “Its all linked to tedious repetition and a lack of tolerance and progressive thought…you know…like logic.”
Famous immigrant and corporate pirate, Rupert Murdoch, owner of FOX News, did not return our phone calls regarding these developments since they were made from a courtesy phone over at the Supreme Quart.
“We don’t make a habit of giving out personal phone numbers to creeps like that,” said Toole.
The amount of the cut checks is directly related to the level of fraud the recipients are willing to ignore. Someone who constantly ape’s the FOX viewpoint might get a few hundred dollars every six months or so while more subdued spectators can expect significantly less, maybe enough for a ticket to Nascar or a box of bullets.
If you would like to apply to receive these entitlements send your name and contact information, bank routing number, proof of income, last grade attended, race, gender and a photo of your personal arsenal to FOX News, 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10036 or call 212-301-3000. Packages delivered to Trump Towers will either be returned two sender or destroyed.
Please include a short statement explaining why you love FOX News. We will get back to you shortly after an investigation into your FBI files, political allegiances and voting history. – Kashmir Horseshoe
“Guns don’t kill people…Camp chili does.” – Elmer Fudd, famous hunter
Math Department to Measure Snow
(Crested Butte) Standouts in the WSC Math Department will assist CBMR staff in determining valid snow depths for the coming ski season. In the past the reports have been questionable at best according to sources here near the ground.
In addition to the calculations the students will provide statistical analysis which could go a long way toward easing world hunger, global warming and the common cold. In addition it may even help keep snowboarders off the hill on holy days.
According to one participant the snow depth measurements have a lot to do with moisture, the angle of sunlight, the price of Jim Beam and the cross referencing of skier days. Despite a drop in season pass rates these elements will continue to be controlled by the iron fists of the Caraway family.
Meeting during a field trip to a local field, math majors pledged to provide unbiased square root reports and carefully police the slopes after all metric conversions.
– Tar Sands
“If you kill that spider Buddha will get you.”
– from Guilt Trips for Buddhist Christians by Melvin O’Tao
