All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Tranquility amidst the throngs
This beautiful statue in the plaza in Jardin, Colombia honors motherhood and family. It offers a peaceful reprieve from the maddening crowds of tourists in town for the holidays.
Legal limits on highway caffein levels established
(Montrose) After almost a year of testing, the State of Colorado is poised to determine what comprises legal operation of a motor vehicle while on caffein. Long-running efforts have been both lauded and criticized by social and economic groups in the Rockies since the concept originated in 2015.
Once the restrictions are formulated, Highway Patrol and other law enforcement will be on the lookout for infractions, stopping any driver who exhibits aggressive, illogical or provocative behavior on state highways. According to the architects of the plan “the culling of offenders will make travel much safer and help control this epidemic that threatens to disrupt the very social fabric of the nation.”
Offending motorists can expect to be stopped for erratic speeds, loud music, registration snafus, mechanical issues, and even panicked glances. Officers have been trained to investigate suspicious drivers (and often dangerously whacked out passengers) who appear to be over-cooked on coffee. The aberrant pedal monkey could then be issued a DUIC (driving under the influence of caffein) or a more serious DWOC (driving while over-caffeinated).
If a routine stop suggests that a driver is jacked up in excess of the legal limits he will be arrested, detained, fined, reeducated and severely humiliated. After a day in court the alleged offender may lose his license and face increased insurance rates. Culpable motorists have been warned that police will be on red alert, especially in the morning hours when coffee abuse is at its highest.
“It gives the cops something to do, someone to bust, in the later morning hours before drivers begin the afternoon and evening booze routine,” said a source at the Colorado Division of Transportation. “Caffein affects everyone differently. We know that. We also know that once the money is in our coffers these distinctions become less and less. It is clear that drugs do not mix well with tons of metal on wheels, traveling at high speeds in crowded or isolated arteries anywhere on dirt or asphalt.”
Experts say that although caffein is more difficult to detect in the blood, other symptoms of too much coffee are quite obvious. Nervousness, inability to concentrate, darting eye coordination, bean breath, profuse sweating, and haphazard jittery movements behind the wheel are red flags to the trained eye. Roadside “sobriety” tests, while faulty and often inadmissible in court, often indicate unlawful habits before they lead to accidents.
Supporters of the emerging law say caffein leads to other more acute social issues such as domestic violence and road rage, while detractors insist that the move is just one more step in the direction of complete totalitarianism on the highways.
“It’s all about money, not safety,” said one critic. “Nobody in power really gives a tinker’s damn if you use cream and sugar or drink it black.”
Local officials here conclude that a few eggs or flapjacks in the morning could render the entire topic academic.
“It’s just one more good reason to eat a good breakfast,” said one. “Or stay the hell off the highway until you mellow out.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
“Solving the population problem is not going to solve the problems of racism… of sexism… of religious intolerance… of war… of gross economic inequality. But if you don’t solve the population problem, you’re not going to solve any of those problems. Whatever problem you’re interested in, you’re not going to solve it unless you also solve the population problem. Whatever your cause, it’s a lost cause without population control.” – Paul Ehrlick from The Population Bomb written in 1968
Drinking and driving is unacceptable
Be careful this New Year’s Eve as the police are watching for alcohol-related issues. Start 2018 off right! Photo of this friendly local cop taken on Big Corn Island, Nicaragua.
Quickie Seasonal Tips
with Muffy Hollandaise
Brew sun vodka for cold winter nights
On sunny days while you’re out skiing or poaching, whip up a batch of authentic potato sun vodka just like you’d brew sun tea. It’s fast and easy and costs next to nothing. First, place two or three peeled red potatoes in a ten gallon glass jar. Cover with water and add just enough more for evaporation caused by that Colorado winter sunshine. Cover mixture with oil cloth and secure. Place in the direct sun. Allow to reach a boil. Brew hooch for eight hours, poteen for 12. For a smoother, better tasting vodka try distilling for 12 years. When friends stop by, invite them to try a ladle of fresh Colorado potato vodka. Won’t they be impressed! (Offer not good in Utah).
Help for wood floors from the unlikely tail wagger custodians
Sick of cleaning hardwood floors. Here’s a trick that removes dirt and dust and gets some work outa the dog. All it takes is a can of tennis balls (one will do if you are not in a hurry) and a slobbering pet. In my experience German Shepherds and Border Collies work best because they are more intense and will retrieve the tennis ball until they drop, no matter what. They are very engaging, silly animals which quickly extracts the likelihood of a competent work force. While the breed is not known for obsessive drooling, saliva glands, excited by the prospect of chewing a soggy tennis ball, will easily compensate for any genetic flaws. Wear gloves if you are easily offended by water at the mouth. Continue exercise for two hours and note clean floors, free of dust wads, dirt and even dog hair.
Keeping cold air out
If you are trying to maintain a warm house this winter remember: Keep cold air out. This provides comfort just as well as keeping the warm air in. Bearing this in mind ALWAYS close exterior doors and windows on cold days and always after sunset when there is no solar advantage to having them open. Screen doors are not advised. Following this simple procedure will guarantee a warmer house and lower heating bills. You will be amazed by the heat that stays in the structure by just shutting off the outside elements. This application, while effective to a fault, will not keep a house warm on its own merit. A heat source, ventilation and fuel are also necessary. We’ll talk about them next time. Bye now.
Life – What you need to know
by Pepper Salta
Many Suburbanites Plan to Live off the Land in Emergency
(Denver) A disturbing number of suburbanites and to a lesser extent, a host of city dwellers, say they will simply live off the land if the excrement hits the air circulation device any time soon.
Almost fifty percent of Americans living in or near high population areas when polled, say they could rough it if need be while only twelve percent declared themselves ready and fit for an uncertain adventure. Of this control group more than half contend that there is really nothing to worry about. Twenty eight percent insist it is too late to be concerned while a paltry six percent say the government will save them in the event of mass chaos and its running mate, pandemonium.
Sadly none expressed concern that a large chunk of the population will also be seeking ways to survive a major disaster or that most of the farmland has been blacktopped, severely hampering efforts to grow food or raise domestic animals.
Sources in rural parts of the country, often alarmed by large crowds and mass migrations, would fare better due to proximity to food sources, water and primitive fuel.
“We could survive a siege for more than six months while our uninvited guests freeze their hungry asses,” said a former beautician from Silt.
“Living off the land sounds romantic to someone who watches television, washed his car and mows his lawn for excitement. These folks aren’t in touch with nature,” said Dr Simon Lackluster, a research fellow at Cal Polygamy, the sponsor of the survey. “What are they going to do? Pick berries? Dig for edible roots? Shoot a rabbit at the mall?”
Experts warn that a population used to nice houses, snap-finger convenience and instant access won’t last more than a few days off the land and out of their comfort zones, due to what could turn into an ugly arrangement.
“They are too far from the food sources,” continued the doctor. “Credit cards don’t usually work in cornfields.”
Although far from completed, an ongoing investigation hinges on probabilities related to the current state of the world.
“Chances for survival at a time of bedlam rely on the distinct knowledge of what was once necessary and what is still wild and a majority of us have lost connection there,” he cautioned.
– Earl “The Pearl” Macadoo
Rodman, Kim grace list of celebrities on retooled “Apprentice”
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman and North Korea’s Dear Leader Kim Jong un will headline a dazzling roster of contestants on a newly revamped The Apprentice. The reality television program will take on much the same format as the original one, which ran before its host was elected President of the United States according to host network NBC.
Rodman, former rebounding standout and transvestite will appear for the first time on the show while Kim is expected to participate by closed circuit cable due to immigration issues.
“If Yankee reporters haven’t figured out how to spell Kim’s full name by now they will be left behind,” said a propaganda release from Pyongyang, the epicenter of evil according to Western sources.
“Kim Jong Un can control the weather for sure,” said Rodman who has solicited the Trump Administration for permission to visit his friend in North Korea. If he is allowed to go he hopes to broker a peace between Kim and Donald. Are we to believe that Rodman will wear a dress and Kim will hit the boards, scoring in the paint, during the visit?
Meanwhile a majority of people living in North Korea are subjected to food shortages and political repression worse than what is occurring in Puerto Rico according to the United Nations. Missiles Over Mouths is the new slogan plastered on billboards all over the Asian country.
“There is no sanity in sending one looney to meet another looney to put in a good word for a third looney,” said Senator Mario Rubio, who appears to now see the writing on the wall and is attempting to project himself as a moderate. “We seem to have forgotten that poor people in this country have the right to vote.”
Many others in the GOP are secretly whispering that Trump should send a recently defeated Ray Moore to Pyongyang since he speaks in tongues and might be able to bring some welcome dialogue to the table.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
