My breakfast in the Andes

Scrambled eggs, beans and rice, avocado, tomatoes, cheese and an arepa all enjoyed with the best coffee on the planet. The problem with the fresh delicacies here is that after a few days one is hungry all over again.

Your Weekly Trumping

In an attempt to deprive The White House of the attention it desires we will limit stories to one column per week. Since journalism is in the flimflam business too we feel the necessity to address this mean-spirited circus by loading just another atomic mass unit onto a broken, crashing cart.

Trump continues to refuse to release golf handicap 

From a man who sees himself as another Einstein but thinks Haile Selassie was a kosher sausage, comes a further refusal to share vital data with the American people.

Paired with his refusal to release tax returns, this latest repudiation shocked the sports world and is expected to create massive blowback much like a slice into the rough.

“Donald gets those hips moving he’s a threat. He bullies the bunkers and water hazards,” said a former caddie who once tweaked the president’s score card. “He cheats at every chance.”

In a related story the six Republican senators that landed on Mars yesterday have yet to formulate any plan for their safe return to earth. The legislators, on a fact-finding trip of with the potential for Biblical revelation, have circled the caissons and organized a filibuster against the solar system.   

TRUMP TOWERS HOSTS CHEATER’S SPELLING BEE

1. toxic

2. pariah

3. plutocrat

4. toadies

5. heart

Bonus: Find 10 shit holes on a world map?

Breaking News: The USS Congress sank today after collision with deep water fracking tanker in the Pacific. All are perceived as lost. Trump, in his Red cap, said to have been spotted in a terrific rowboat headed to Israel the only country who will let him in.

Trump’s Sun God Claim Misinterpreted in Liberal Press says Sessions

A deity to be feared and worshipped?

“I never said that,” he insisted. His retinue, along with many adoring young sycophants in the GOP “can’t recall him saying that.”

And Now The Federal Judiciary is considering installing lie detector machines in the White House. Machines disguised as ATMs are meant to catch persons guilty of mistruths without delay. Three lies and the liar is incarcerated right on the spot and held “tar baby style” until the Congress and Judiciary get there to make a formal arrest.

And if that’s not enough: A Blueprint of the Berlin Wall was today recovered from Oval Office. It had been the property of the Smithsonian. It was not clear how the document landed in the Egg Shaped Office in the first place.

– Another bogus accusation made against the defenseless and unsuspecting president by the mongrel, left-wing Muslim Marxist press.

Curt Review:

A new movie that has been billed as the epic horror film is set for release April 15. The premise is a bit far fetched and all of the actors are white males. Low cost zombies like Bill Pence, werewolves like Sarah Huckabee Sanders and vampires like the Cromwellian Paul Ryan are featured. Even a crisp cameo or two by the less than dynamic Evil Dwarf cannot prop up his shoddy piece of work. Skip it.

And they thank the Lord for the land that they live in where the White man does as he pleases.” 

– Nancy Griffith

Pence Denies “Bannon is Rasputin”

Vice President “Hoosier Bill” Pence vehemently insists that Rasputin, the deceased Russian monk, looks more like Hillary. But just look at the hand movements in each photo plus the comparative bad hygiene, beady eyes, angry glare, greasy hair and poor complexion.

Gregori Rasputin

The original accusation, linked to the ongoing Russian scandal, had no real impact among Trump faithful since most aren’t familiar with the mysterious Rasputin.

Bannon shocked party loyalists by unbridled criticism of the president last week calling Trump “a self-aggrandizing political charlatan who has lost his mind.” Trump’s former Nashville Security Insider later apologized saying he really didn’t really mean those nasty things and was simply engaged in a harmless game of political Scrabble.

“He is just trying to use big words here to throw us off the scent but it won’t work,” continued Pence, who said he hopes to be crucified some day soon. “Our King Donald bibles have a dictionary in the back.”

Steve Bannon

 Across the aisle of broken promises Democrats are asking themselves: “How would Maximilien Robespierre or Jean Paul Marat have dealt with these creatures?” It’s funny how the image of the guillotine keeps creeping back into this dialogue.

How much of this would Joan of Arc have tolerated ? How about Catherine the Great or a liberated Queen of Hearts or Emily Post with a hand-held missile launcher? Alas, we can only dream sweet dreams.

 In a related move a House bill aimed at terminating the title Honorable from Congressmen’s names (until they prove themselves so) is expected to reach the Senate floors and ceilings by the weekend.

“If one has only one plate he will rarely face a sink full of dirty dishes.”  – Gyro Juju

Rodman, Kim lista de gracia de las celebridades en Retooled The Apprentice

El ex-estrella de la NBA Dennis Rodman y el líder de Corea del Norte, Kim Jongun encabezarán una deslumbrante lista de concursantes en un The Apprentice recientemente renovado. El programa de televisión de la realidad adoptará el mismo formato que el original, que se emitió antes de que su anfitrión fuera elegido presidente de los Estados Unidos según la red de host NBC.

Rodman, ex destacado rebote y travestido aparecerá por primera vez en el programa, mientras que se espera que Kim participe por cable de circuito cerrado debido a problemas de inmigración.

“Si los reporteros Yankee no han descifrado cómo deletrear el nombre completo de Kim, se quedarán atrás”, dijo un comunicado de propaganda de Pyongyang, el epicentro del mal según fuentes occidentales.  “Kim Jong Un puede controlar el clima con seguridad”, dijo Rodman, quien solicitó permiso a la Administración Trump para visitar a su amigo en Corea del Norte. Si se le permite ir, espera negociar una paz entre Kim y Donald.

¿Vamos a creer que Rodman usará un vestido y Kim golpeará las tablas, marcando en la pintura, durante la visita?  Mientras tanto, la mayoría de las personas que viven en Corea del Norte están sujetas a la escasez de alimentos y la represión política es peor que lo que está ocurriendo en Puerto Rico según las Naciones Unidas. Missiles Over Mouths es el nuevo eslogan enlistado en vallas publicitarias en todo el país asiático.

“No hay cordura en enviar a un looney a encontrarse con otro looney para poner una buena palabra para un tercer looney”, dijo el senador Mario Rubio, quien ahora parece ver la escritura en la pared y está tratando de proyectarse como un moderado.

“Parece que olvidamos que los pobres de este país tienen derecho a votar”.  Muchos otros en el Partido Republicano están susurrando secretamente que Trump debería enviar a un Ray Moore recientemente derrotado a Pyongyang ya que habla en lenguas y podría traer algún diálogo bienvenido a la mesa.

– Herradura de Cachemira

Ice Climbing Absent From Scripture

(Ouray) The sport of ice climbing is not mentioned once in either The Old Testament or The New Testament according to a group of scholars brought here to determine how the Bible might be used to predict the weather.

After countless hours of exploring passages, no reference to ice, ice climbing or ice climbers was uncovered according to soon-to-be published findings of the academics who were assembled from churches and synagogues all over the world.

“The out-and-out absence of any reference to ice climbing suggests questionable morality here but in no way condones or condemns the behavior,” said one scholar. “At this point we in no way wish to insinuate that ice climbing is a sin.”

Hard-liners disagree saying that if the Creator had wanted people to climb ice he would have said so in his centuries of dictation to ghost writers among the Chosen People.

“Either that or we would all be born with built-in crampons and ice tools” laughed Orwell Freeze, one of the leading researchers in the field, or on the wall as it were. The Koran follows suit and contains no mention of the sport either.”

The results of the investigation are slated to be released in 6000 years.

“Our book talks about the specifics of a chaste and holy existence here on earth,” said one local preacher. There are references to burning bushes, swift swords, eating apples and great victories over the Philistines. There may even be mention of golf and tennis but nothing about ice climbing. Therefore we can only assume that it, along with all winter athletic activities, is wrong.”

Secular sources refute these conclusions saying that the weather in Palestine and the Mideast in general is free of ice and snow and therefore testimonials to these climatic conditions would not be included in the Bible.

“It’s important here to employ logic along with faith in making these final assertions,” said one climber. “There is nothing immoral about the sport itself but the often hedonistic lifestyle associated with it could be the deemed questionable in the arena of theocratic judgements. There is no mention of ice climbing in The Origin of the Species either,” said the source since there was little ice and snow in the Galapagos, where Darwin often lived. “The sudden unfurling of these feigned events demands further research,” she concluded. 

Critics of the analysis say the entire idea shows just how far the self-righteous will go in judging others, (even though their book specifically condemns such behavior). They maintain that ice climbing is a good, clean experience. Some participants questioned the sport’s staying power what with the heat and eventual thaw inherent to eternal hell fire.

“We live in a time where fairy tales and ancient fears dictate daily life for some. But this needle-nosed scrutiny comes in a disproportionate helping when these finger pointers need to take a good look into the mirror,” mused Freeze.

– Fred Zeppelin

ICE PARK SUBSIDIES DEMAND SPECIAL SESSION

(Ouray) The over $1.6 million in federal subsidies slated to be paid to the Ouray Ice Park for not growing ice in 2018 was the subject of a special session of city and county administrators last night.

Although the money has already been spent, civic leaders here are becoming increasingly anxious over the windfall which they say threatens the cosmic balance of the annual budget in the coming years.

“People around here are going to become more and more dependent on these funds from Washington,” said one county commissioner. “What happens if global warming reaches its apex or the government goes under? The where would we be then? Sure, all of us like to see this kind of money roll in for doing nothing but the amount here is a bit excessive, especially considering all those lucrative tax breaks and the low price of fuel.

Ice farmers, frustrated by attempts at the federal level to control the price of frozen commodities, say they would prefer a more relaxed version of supply and demand, with the federal gov’ment the odd man out.

“Nobody likes to go to work and do nothing all day,” said Sergio Jingles, veteran ice maker and high altitude  renaissance plumber. “It’s not like the job is rocket surgery or anything but we have our pride. This year we’re forced to sit back and watch as these funds are distributed throughout the community but what happens when the intricacies of ice farming are forgotten. Who’s going to teach the ice farmers of the future if the experts in the field are engaged in a serious meltdown day after day?”

Supporters of the subsidy say there is plenty of ice at the park now and that making excess ice just drives down the price on the exchanges. In addition they support a more conservative approach to water use and the rerouting of existing water supplies. At present ice is being grown only on one wall of Martin Luther King Canyon in keeping with agreements with the feral gov’ment.

“It’s difficult enough to get Colona Board of Trade investors to look at ice futures in July or August without word getting out that we have flooded the markets,” said Jingles. “We understand the ins and outs of production up here and we’re not blind to the manipulation going on all around us. Look at all the unemployed ice makers and zamboni drivers in the NHL this year and they thought their jobs were secure! I for one do not want to go back to wearing a suit and tie to work.”

Ice farming, with its often clannish yet intensely proud heritage going back to the Woolly Mammoths, is not a particularly expensive process compared to related technologies. Although countless recipes for perfect ice exist, only a scant few have survived the tests of time. In primary production the engineer needs only the water, directional blueprints and the right temperature.

“Sometimes on a good day we can set up the process at night and in the morning we will have ice,” explained Jingles. “Other times our efforts fall short wherein all the variables are not on our side or too much of one element or the other go berserk and destroy the formula. Then we have to start all over and hope for the best.”

Most welfare ice farmers say the public remains uninterested in their skill and often takes ice for granted. They say the average man sees ice only in terms of black and white while he sees snow, sunsets, storms and other natural phenomenon in a variety of shades. Most see the payment of exorbitant subsides as a threat to their future since the labor quotient takes the back seat to price control and the entire system operates well below the chasm of accepted diminished returns.

“On the micro-economic front we can all understand the benefits of squeezing more water out of the existing product,” said an interested bystander, “but on a more practical front it really doesn’t make sense to pay millions to protect the real worth of something doomed to melt someday soon.”

Toward the end of the meeting a citizen’s action group demanded to be heard calling for funds to be spent on the construction of a cafe and five-story parking garage on-site at the ice park. Despite the radical look and trance like demeanor of the group its’ ideas were shouted down and its’ leaders hauled away in chains.

The last minute meeting was organized so as to avoid the embarrassment of three winters ago when ice farmers poured a mixture of water and ice all over Highway 550 to protest low prices and higher operating costs associated with their industry. Although a highway marker was erected on the spot by union leaders the actual moisture is said to have evaporated when the sun came out.

Meanwhile ice farmers in Cody, Wyoming have filed a class action suit on behalf of western state ice farmers who are currently receiving no subsidies. Saying that the Ouray farmers have been given unfair advantage in the production of ice they have threatened to pull out of the most major ice making operations nationwide if their needs remain undressed.   

– Mercy Plaine