All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Alexa Talks Potty Language
ALEXA SMART TOILET – AN AFFRONT TO PRIVACY?
The newly manufactured Alexa Toilet, by Kohler is the ultimate who it comes to avoiding manual labor. It warms your butt, lifts the lid, plays your favorite tunes and quietly flushes. No, it does not wipe or take selfies. Humans will still have to deal with those labors on their own.
But is Alexa in the toilet peeking? Do you really want to talk to your her in your toilet? Isn’t it bad enough that you yell back at your television and can’t manage to get across the street without your digital map? How far will humans go to escape from what is natural? Is Alexa active in compost circles? Does a bear shit in the woods?
The dog collar was one thing but a voice-activated digital assistant somewhere deep in the recesses of the toilet? Even the Czars didn’t have this! Is this classified as a bathroom necessity like a whirlpool bath and a fluffy rug?
It all might be valid if the thing changed diapers, made martinis or put the seat back up or down, depending on priorities. We have a barrage of Smart technology but while there may be trickling on the commode I don’t see anything intelligent trickling down to the masses. The sticker price of $6,000 pretty much defines who will be enjoying this gem anyhoot.
And although she probably does prevent the spread of germs, Alexa can be dangerous. Already we have lost a slew of technology faithful who got caught up in the soothing voice and fell down into the fascinating lavatorial device. A few managed to swim to safety while others were located a few blocks away. Some will likely never be found.
Attention: Be very careful using hemp toilet paper. Jeff Sessions accidentally used some the other day and his mood has lightened a bit and his appetite has improved significantly. He is said to be listening to a lot of blues and giving away all of his money. Wow Jeff, and that was just on one hit!
CURE FOR MAD DRUGSTORE COWBOY DISEASE YEARS OFF SAYS DOC
(Ridgway) Dedicated researchers throughout the West have spent decades pouring over mounds of data. Hospitals have built wings dedicated to finding a cure. Pickups have more than doubled in price. Cow pies are still cow pies. A horses’ ass is still a horses’ ass.
Local medico, Efram Pennywhistle, a former PRCA rodeo trainer, says the disease will be around for years.
“There’s nothing really wrong with dressing up like a cowboy if it turns you on,” says the always-fashionable Pennywhistle,”just so long as the pretenders remember to where skivvies under their chaps in public and don’t bother the local herd animals.”
Recently real cowpunchers have been confused with the drugstore variety, who wear spurs to the grocery and keep swallowing their chew. Most are unable to saddle a blanket much less a horse says Pennywhistle.
“I suppose in a tourist area it’s far better to have drugstore pards loitering around doing rope tricks than to have suburban refugees in hiking boots running for public office,” he spat.
Pennywhistle then terminated the conversation saying that one pearl-studded hero couldn’t get his new boots off and he was needed in surgery.
– Bart Maverick
“The one who passes through the meshes of the net can do nothing for the one who is caught.”
– Ferdinand Kaisergruber in We Will Not Go to Tuapse.
What you need in Antioquia, Colombia (minus the arepas)
The basic accessories for a Colombian cowboy in the High Andes town of El Jardin. A sombrero and a ruana go a long way toward protection from the fierce sun. (Antioquians just add machete and horse to individual taste).
White House staff visits Colombian town
They were reportedly there on a fact finding mission with half their time spent looking for oil, the other half in a bordello. “We barely had time to grab a bite to eat,” said one sycophant. “Our president is a virtual whirlwind!”
Armed robberies down above 5000 feet
(Montrose)) The number of armed robberies committed above 5,000 feet are down from previous months. A major reason, according to law enforcement findings, is the increase in traffic with the onset of winter.
“Imagine trying to maneuver a getaway vehicle with all that traffic on South Townsend,” said one officer.
“Even if the culprit got on the by-pass or tried to negotiate East Niagara he’d be easy pickings for our federally allocated security net,” said another.
Other sources say the drop off has to do with the still lagging real economy and the distractions of the times.
“Remember those two crooks the cops nailed at the Friendly Corner Bar moments after they robbed the Who’s on First National Bank in February?” one security guard asked. “They might have gotten away easily if they hadn’t seen the sign for happy hour and stopped to play cops and robbers video games.”
Another view of these proceedings suggests that armed robbers are thwarted by the fact that there is nothing of worthwhile value on the shelves. Social scientists and political watchdogs agree that the White Collar criminals have already made off with game-changing treasures, leaving little behind but a cheap tools, makeup or groceries. It’s a knick-knack or a 12-pack world and consensus has it that it could get wild horse worse before it returns to the stable.
“I ain’t going to jail for no domestic beer,” quipped one shoplifter, known for stuffing his socks full of premium miniatures, then buying cheap wine as a cover.
A spokesman for the city said bank robberies have always been a part of our Western heritage.
“Although the temptation is greatest around the holidays we are seeing signs that the practice has taken on year-round ramifications. The perception of a bank full of dollars is just too much for some of us.”
Whatever the causes and ramifications for the disruption of social order the public has been reassured that televised law and order reigns.
“We are happy with the news that these kinds of crimes appear to be diminishing,” said one councilperson here, “but I’d keep my money in my boot and my car door locked just in case.”
– Fred Zeppelin
“Our politicians point the finger south to avoid pointing it at the noses and veins and mouths of their constituents.” – More Terrible Than Death – Violence, Drugs and America’s War in Colombia, published 2001.
The media says “thousands” but there are hundreds of thousands taking to the streets!
Demonstrations all over the globe denouncing Trump. Massive crowds in most US cities and all over Europe and Asia.
