All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Spell Checks Blamed for Name Changes in the 1800s

Annoying spell checks, attached to ancient punch card data programming at Ellis Island, are blamed for the bastardization of millions of ethnic surnames during the 19th Century.

This archaic method of computing names and assorted information on arriving migrants worked well enough since the modern concept of legal or illegal immigration did not emerge as part of the federal bureaucracy until 1921.

“One simply got off the boat, passed a series of health exams, and walked onto the sidewalks of America,” said a historian whose family name was changed from Peckleharring to Fish in 1838. “”The robber barons needed low wages workers. Citizenship was a whole other ball of wax.”

Groups most curtly affected include Irish, Italian, Jews and Chinese with the later escaping further reproach due to an unfamiliar alphabet and the distinct characters used in their names. The hordes of Irish, Italians, Jews and Eastern Europeans that landed here, were quickly processed, due in part to expediency but just as much due to boredom and little power trips on the part of customs officials on the docks.

Many skirted the spell checks and kept their real names only after bribes were on the table. You could stay a Genovese or an O’Harahan if you greased the right palms. Otherwise if your name be Mikhail you were now Michaels or if it was once Berkowitz you were now named Berry.

My own great-grandfather’s name was O’Healy but was changed to Haley. He didn’t care one way of the other. He is purported to have told my father that “I had 25 cents in my pocket and I wasn’t getting back on that death ship. They could call me Cromwell for all I cared.”

The trusty spell checks mindlessly corrected the spellings of exotic and foreign names to make them more American. As a byproduct of the confusion this often allowing the bearer a better chance to assimilate and embrace vertical mobility. These modifications and adjustments, while further separating recent arrivals from their culture, may have been the first signs of the homogeneity that would follow.

Imagine showing up named Panicucci only to wake up the next day as Mr. Smith or escaping an immigrant ship under the name of Diarmuid to find you are now called Ms. Jones. Sometimes the names were shortened as we see within the Jewish (Goldfreid to Gold) and Eastern European groups (Adamczyk to Adams) or anglicized as we see in the ranks of Irishmen and Italians.

The many Africans that arrived beforehand (16th to 18th Centuries) had no discernible last names to begin with. They often adopted the family names associated their new “lifestyle”. Others embraced the names of leaders like Washington and Jefferson. We will discuss that mess just as soon as all of the Confederate monuments are destroyed and racism is thus terminated within our borders.

Many of the names were, of course, simply mangled and misinterpreted by a poorly trained and uneducated immigration work force akin to our own Homeland Security.

“One must fully comprehend that these were manually driven spell checkers without the benefit of communist wind power and solar energy,” said Dr. Fish from an earlier paragraph. “Hell, most of the people back then didn’t even have passwords.”

– Beyon’ Dynamite

FROG WENT A COURTIN’

Diagramed and Dissected ad nauseam by people who don’t have much else to do.

Frog went a-courtin’ and he did ride, uh-huh
Frog went a-courtin’ and he did ride, uh-huh
Frog went a-courtin’ and he did ride
With a sword and a pistol by his side, uh-huh.

Well armed on horseback and traveling light, Froggie, on his way to his sweetheart’s house takes nothing for granted and is loaded for bear. Do frogs court mice or is Frog just out for a good time on the way to the shooting range? He is within his rights with open carry laws but he may be upsetting a municipal ordinance since his horse exhibits appears slightly incontinent.

Well he rode right up to Miss Mousey’s door, uh-huh
He rode right up to Miss Mousey’s door, uh-huh
He rode right up to Miss Mousey’s door
Gave three loud raps and a very big roar, uh-huh.

Froggie heard tell that Miss Mousey liked the strong, virile type of reptile but in fact he scared her half to death with his rude arrival. She thought him a bit of a bore but since there were no other gentlemen callers she waited by the window for his next move.

Said, “Miss Mouse, are you within ?” uh-huh
Said he, “Miss Mouse, are you within ?” uh-huh
Said, “Miss Mouse, are you within ?”
“Yes, kind sir, I sit and spin,” uh-huh.

Miss Mouse can’t afford to go anywhere since GOP passed tax bill and shaved her entitlements (which are not in reality entitlements at all but rights gained by sitting and spinning in bad light for all of those years.) Now she needs glasses but medicare won’t pay for them. As if that isn’t enough Miss Mousey gets paid about 70% of what male mice make for the same job.

He took Miss Mousey on his knee, uh-huh
Took Miss Mousey on his knee, uh-huh
Took Miss Mousey on his knee
Said, “Miss Mousey, will you marry me ?” uh-huh.

Froggie could be charged with sexual harassment. Despite a prenuptial agreement our happy-go-lucky friend may have hung his frog laundry on the wrong fence post. Pretty quick work indeed, but remember when you marry a mouse you marry the whole family.

“Without my uncle Rat’s consent, uh-huh
Without my uncle Rat’s consent, uh-huh
Without my uncle Rat’s consent
I wouldn’t marry the president, uh-huh”.

Miss Mousey needs to reconsider her reference here. Marrying the president would do nothing but create a lot of problems for a mouse who up till now has been above suspicion. Does she really need a visa extension this bad? Does Uncle Rat have connections?

Uncle Rat laughed and he shook his fat sides, uh-huh
Uncle Rat laughed and he shook his fat sides, uh-huh
Uncle Rat laughed and he shook his fat sides
To think his niece would be a bride, uh-huh.

Do mouse-frog marriages constitute mixed race or same sex marriage? What will the fake Christians in Congress say about all of this? Will someone change the water into wine?

Uncle rat went runnin’ downtown, uh-huh
Uncle rat went runnin’ downtown, uh-huh
Uncle rat went runnin’ downtown
To buy his niece a wedding gown, uh-huh.

Damn nice of Uncle Rat but I think there are further considerations as to the marriage. They need to slow things down and have a proper courtship. This reeks of a shotgun ceremony and, up until now Froggie has not even taken his coat off much less enjoyed the fruits of marital bliss.

Where shall the wedding supper be ? uh-huh
Where shall the wedding supper be ? uh-huh
Where shall the wedding supper be?
Way down yonder in a hollow tree, uh-huh.

That’s frugal. They should just go to Miami or someplace instead of dropping a bundle on their drunken friends. A wedding with frogs and mice doesn’t sound all that appealing anyway.

What should the wedding supper be ? uh-huh
What should the wedding supper be ? uh-huh
What should the wedding supper be?
Fried mosquito in a black-eyed pea, uh-huh.

That’s it? When does the real course arrive? Where then are their corporate drip lattes?  I smell marijuana.

Well, first to come in was a flyin’ moth, uh-huh.
First to come in was a flyin’ moth, uh-huh.
First to come in was a flyin’ moth
She laid out the table cloth, uh-huh.

All this work and we get moths at the table? Didn’t they invite Sarah Huckabee Sanders or Kellyanne Conway?

Next to come in was a juney bug, uh-huh
Next to come in was a juney bug, uh-huh
Next to come in was a juney bug
She brought the water jug, uh-huh.

I thought this was supposed to be a nice frog-mouse wedding. Why are all these insects here? Did hey bring wedding presents? Toasters are nice but check Miss Mouse’s bridal registry please.`

Next to come in was a bumbley bee, uh-huh
Next to come in was a bumbley bee, uh-huh
Next to come in was a bumbley bee
Sat mosquito on his knee, uh-huh.

Well, at least they guests are mixing nicely. No broken furniture. No fist fights yet. Plastic furniture was a great idea!

Next to come in was a broken black flea, uh-huh
Next to come in was a broken black flea, uh-huh
Next to come in was a broken black flea
Danced a jig with the bumbley bee, uh-huh.

If I was a broken back flea I stick to the waltzes and maybe a tango or two.

Next to come in was Mrs. Cow, uh-huh
Next to come in was Mrs. Cow, uh-huh
Next to come in was Mrs. Cow
She tried to dance but she didn’t know how, uh-huh.

It’s the long gown. Give her a few drinks and she’ll be dancing with bees, fleas and juney bugs..

Next to come in was a little black tick, uh-huh
Next to come in was a little black tick, uh-huh
Next to come in was a little black tick
She ate so much she made us sick, uh-huh.

Ticks are pigs when it comes to a wedding spread. They look terrible in tuxedos. They get all puffed up and start talking politics. Their gifts are often cheap and self-serving

Next to come in was a big black snake, uh-huh
Next to come in was a big black snake, uh-huh
Next to come in was a big black snake
Ate up all of the wedding cake, uh-huh.

Bastard. Who invited him? What kind of cake would frogs and mice expect?

Next to come in was the old gray cat, uh-huh
Next to come in was the old gray cat, uh-huh
Next to come in was the old gray cat
Swallowed the mouse and ate up the rat, uh-huh.

This is a turn for the worse. The guest of honor and the money man have been consumed by an uninvited feline. Now who will catch the bridal bouquet?

Frog went a-hoppin’ up over the brook, uh-huh
Mr. Frog went a-hoppin’ up over the brook, uh-huh
Mr. Frog went a-hoppin’ up over the brook
A lily-white duck come and swallowed him up, uh-huh.

So much for proliferation of the frog-mouse species. This is turning into a tragedy and on their wedding day. Mother Nature takes no prisoners. Tradition has it that Froggie met his demise this way but many scientists think it was climate change that got him.

A little piece of cornbread layin’ on a shelf, uh-huh
A little piece of cornbread layin’ on a shelf, uh-huh
A little piece of cornbread layin’ on a shelf
If you want any more, you can sing it yourself, uh-huh.

After all the violence I don’t think anyone but a few drunks in the corner will be singing.

Frog rides to ask Miss Mouse to marry him. She is willing but must ask permission of Uncle Rat. In other versions such as “King Kong Kitchie Kitchie Ki-Me-O” by Chubby Parker, Frog fights and kills Miss Mouse’s other suitors (an owl, bat and bumblebee) after they interrupt his proposal. Uncle Rat’s permission received, the two work out details of the wedding. Some versions end with a cat, snake or other creature devouring the couple and wedding guests. Sometimes Frog gets away, but is later swallowed by a duck. 

Just in time for spring!

The Fear List (continued)

The updated roster of things to be afraid of compliments of

your feral government/the Trump Administration.

611.  Identity theft

612. Terrorists

613. High cholesterol

614. The Devil

615. Serious hot dog consumption

616. West Nile Virus

617. Bees

618. Government buildings

619.  Black men driving around in cars at night

620. erectile dysfunction

621. illegal aliens

622. Other terrorists

623. terrorists with their dogs off the leash

624. altered fruits and vegetables

265. second-hand smoke

626. broken glass

627. visible panty lines

628.  A Black or Woman Democrat in the White House

629. Shiites

670. Low blood sugar

671. More terrorists

672. Alien terrorists

673. tsunamis

674. new age ideas

675. home-grown terrorists

676. habeas corpus

677. those awful environmentalists

688. bears

689. liberals in sheep’s clothing

Continued on page 41

Hazy Dawn in Colombia

Commissioners Reject Road Guards

(Silverton) The addition of proposed metal traffic guards along portions of Molas and Coal Bank Passes was firmly rejected 4 -1, with Commissioner Faith Hope, of Hope’s Church Supply casting the single vote in favor of the project.

The other Commissioners, Harry Altman of Harry’s Towing and Auto Wrecking, George Poindexter III of Silver Lining Funeral Home, Dr. Samuel Butcher of Four Corner’s Hospital and Ves Smith of Smith’s Ambulance Service all felt that the guards were an unnecessary expense.

     Readers will note that Butcher and Smith will begin their respective tenures in October but were allowed a practice vote on this measure to better prepare them for their coming terms.  

– Donald Powers Jr.

“Three of my favorite pursuits were recently thwarted when I was refused employment by the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.”

– General Kashmnir Horseshoe, Cavalry CSA 1861-1863) and Artillery, US Army (1864-1865) retired.