All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
ABANDONED SHEEP HAZARDOUS ON SLOPES
(Vail) The growing problem of abandoned sheep in Western Colorado is approaching epidemic proportions according to a filtered statement released by Colorado Ski Country on Thursday. Skiers are warned to beware of the woolly obstacles in areas where snowfall is light. Over 52 collisions have occurred since Christmas.
Transient ski bums, who often discard their winter pets at the end of the ski season, are being blamed for the conditions. The poor sheep, made stupid by years of cruel breeding, have no other choice than to return to instinctual habitats which provide safety from predators and minimal nourishment in the lean months.
“Sure, our slopes attract all kinds of animals due to general serenity and the extreme grazing potential,” said E.F. Mutton, a broker employed by the state tourism bureau. “The reality is frightening for mammals of all kinds and dangerous for plants and minerals too.”
Electric fences have been installed at Crested Butte in an effort to keep the woolies off the slopes and the skiers in bounds. Many of the intrusive animals brandished signs saying Bo Peep-No steep and We’re sheep and we vote!
“We have a lot of trouble distinguishing the clever sheep from snowboarders,” said one lift operator. “We’ve had meetings and organized night patrols. All we’ve concurred at this time is that the sheep are better mannered.”
A recent collision at Telluride resulted in an impromptu lamb roast at Gorrono Park while at Monarch a shoot to kill ordinance has been adopted. Ski Dallas has shut its lifts down permanently even though no sheep have been seen within ten miles of the place. Powderhorn, long a sanctuary ski area, did not respond to our herding efforts earlier in the week.
What is making matters worse down in Montrose is the increase in the price of lamb which tempts poachers from as far away as Pea Green and Hoover’s Corner.
“The price of a lift ticket doesn’t seem quite as high if one can harvest a few sheep during the day,” stressed Mutton. “We can usually spot trouble early since these kind of skiers carry 22s instead of poles.”
The authorities agree that it is people who should shoulder the responsibility of avoiding sheep. One innovative ski baron at Purgatory suggested offering the sheep limited discount passes in return for vacating heavy traffic areas and busy weekends. Most resorts have opted for feeding programs in Wyoming and Utah.
– Rex Montaleone
“Off with their heads.” – The Queen of Hearts
WINTER STEW
Attention organ donors: Please use back steps during all future charitable endeavors and deliveries. The front door in the strip mall is too tight and cannot accommodate larger musical gifts. Sorry but we will not be accepting any pianos in 2018 since they are the instrument if the devil and all. Rev. Ed, Temple of the Metaphysical Constipation and Induced Remorse .
Conversational English for native English speakers will feature the workshop “Butchering Idioms” with Efram Pennywhistle and his orchestra sometime in March, either in Gunnison or Hinsdale County. No one will be permitted into or out of the hall after the performance begins. This means you.
The Trigger Finger Saloon in Cahone will not longer be serving food in the existing dining room so as to give our customers more room to fight. Not associated with the Little Chef or The Lariat Lounge.Thanks.
CHECK OUT Our Famous Tri-Annual – Off -Season Sale on Fly Parts, new and used .Hard to get parts, rebuilt wings, parts for large flies, legs, head replacements. Sorry we can no longer guarantee the reconditioned transmissions or visual apparatus in the model F Horsefly 400, Series 1963–1968. If one has to live with flies at least live with serious renovations/replicas.
Lost: Silver hood ornament from a 1955 Chrysler New Yorker in Montrose crosswalk Friday. Child’s pet. Reward for return. M. Toole, Wimpton Bait and Tickle.
Need ghost writer(s) to help create at least 50 Utah jokes for my new book entitled Fifty Utah Jokes. No mumbo-jumbo. Mack the Hack, Box 86, Pine Syrup, MI.
Will trade tickets to Barbara Streisand/Iron Maiden Concert for small caliber handgun. Blind Box 444, Horseshoe.
Mail order brides from Mars and Venus. Many domesticated. Send for brochure. Be sure to state galactic and gender preference. Ben Gamone Astral World III, KC, MO 64141
The Department of the Interior is downloading your National Forests! What can you do to stop this senseless sell-out of our natural resources? Send $15 to Can’t See the Forest Fer the Trees, 24 Erosive Circles, Armageddon, Utah
Yoga Flagpole sitting by the week or the month. It’s the ultimate Rocky Mountain High! Classes forming Tuesday. Nets available too. Colona Grapevine Vacations.
Found: Do you own a 1955 Chrysler New Yorker that is missing a silver hood ornament? If so please call St. Roscoe’s Hospital ASAP. It was surgically removed, only this morning from the posterior of a crosswalk pedestrian who should have looked both ways. Contact Dee Catheters in Bionics.
Need self-starter to teach engine block and hillbilly English to illegal employees over at Testosterone Brothers Slaughterhouse. I would do it myself but it conflicts with the evening happy hour. Mabelle, Pitkin.
2017 Tiny Reindeer Jerky will not go on sale until at least February 31. We have only seven this year and are not currently accepting new customers for next year. Please, no more phone calls until after June 1, 2018. Sandra Claus, North Pole.
Annual Bankruptcy Party. Tuxedos mandatory. Can you really prove that we have your money? Who’s On First National Bank, Next to Salvation Temple #5, Wimpton Superplex. No credit cards accepted.
Bright energetic swordsman needed for capon sessions. Must have own car and cutlery. Ima Hostess, Ltd., Manana, CO.
There will be a potluck held at Pea Green Academy on March 15 for all deer and elk displaced by the recent farmer’s season. All proceeds go toward hunter education classes in the fall. Thank you.
Is Karaoke getting under your skin? Together we can put an end to this and other mad, senseless noise in what should be a quiet dive bar. Interested? Send SASE to Quiet Down and Drink International, Milli Vanilli, 1234 Mr. Microphone Blvd. Aurora, CO.
Certified and bonded brakeman with sunny disposition and no felonies will break horses, dishes, wind, simultaneously or at the same time. Small fee for carfare. Blind Box 45, Horseshoe.
For sale: Plastic vomit “prop”. Used only once during fraternity pledge drive. Will trade for bi-focal ski goggles, in-dash microwave oven, and three pool table legs. Act today and I will throw in a one-legged parrot (goes with the pool table) and some old mounting goats that I have lying around here somewhere. Herb Ditchwater, Out Back, CO.
Doublewide? Stop drinking pop. – a friend
Sick of raking leaves? For one small fee we will cut down all of your trees and be done with it for generations to come. Wanderlust Organic Demolition. See our ad in the Jello Pages.
Bach Worship? Uptight piano seeks tough love counselor. Antique. Obsessive-compulsive key counting disorder, fear of benches, guilt over the demise of exotic beasts. The usual. Correspondence accepted at 22 Toole Gardens, on the dump road in Manana.
Insignificant pawn seeks kings, queens, knights and bishops for possible winter games/romance. No rooks. Vegetarians considered. Checkmate Services. Must be 21 years of age or have note from your cat.
Odor eaters anonymous meets every Friday and the LaVeta Hotel in Gunnison.
Free to a good home: “Warren” our often-loving quarter horse-pit bull mix. Wonderful with children if they are not home. Good lap companion just so long as one does not wake him. “Needs his space”. He eats too much for us to keep him. Amanda “The Panda” Phlake, Hotchkiss Sweet Meats.
Earn minimum wage working in a multi-million dollar Fortune 500 company. Glamour, advancement potential, travel, free parking, annual charity potlucks, ham on Christmas. Send resume to American Solutions Inc., c/o Dr. Ima Nuff, Patriarch.
The United States Homeland Security Agency is looking for security associates to find bombs and other contraband on passengers who have already paid outrageous airfare. Incompetent? No worries! No experience necessary. We will train. Badge and uniform for small administrative fee. No international terrorists with weapons or little town grandmas smuggling marijuana will pass! See Mr. Glick at the Wimpton Airlift Hollandaise Inn between March 26 and the end of the world.
Gold Digger SWSB seeks wealthy petrified sponsor for coming summer season. Interests include eating out, recreational drugs and solo overnight trips to Vail. Need own living quarters and private entrance. Access to credit cards and checkbook a definite plus. In return will keep the vehicles filled with gas, will go to liquor store daily and operate remote control on TV. Older gentlemen only please. Send complete financial statement and round-trip airline ticket to Rosie Mogul, 33 Milk Avenue, CB, CO
Kittens for Easter! $550. Don’t wait. At these prices they won’t be around come Mother’s Day and, we don’t have to tell you, the price will be higher in 2019. Yes, we still have a few carloads of wet, dirty newspapers at $150 per pound; earwig infested army tarps: $600 (2 for $1300); used vacuum cleaner bags (full): $800; Mildewed blankets and baby clothes starting around $1000. Much more. Free hot dogs for the kiddies. Catastrophe Realty. 3655882299775544 Road, Olathe. Honk. We got mean dogs and the front lawn is mimed. No Czechs accepted. No Irish.
2019 calendars for sale. Could be worth millions if the world ends in 2018. Syd Fahrtdt, Sassafras Pass.
Warning: Snowmaking operations will continue as scheduled on Molas. Coal Bank, Red Mountain, Wolf Creek and Lizard Head Passes unless otherwise posted. Indications are that the snow will be white. Colorado Ski Country.
So what if the dollar is going down? SEND TREASURY DEPARTMENT SPAM-O-GRAMS this winter! 10% of all net sales will be donated toward balancing the federal budget. Get real! Everyone loves Spam-o-Grams!
International Corporations are Un-American. They answer to no gov’ment and turn your natural resources into plastic cell phones and molybdenum bird baths. Learn Baby Learn, Bear’s Ears, Utah
Need persistent man or woman to sell New York Yankees caps in Colombia. Celery and commission to right person. Jeepers Jeters, Florida Marlins.
Wanted: Persons interested in recycling Pizza Huts, McDonalds, Burger Kings, Taco Bells and Applebee’s into alpine pastures, white sand beaches, thriving wetlands and flowing prairies. Particularly seeking people with access to demolition equipment and recipients of explosives training c/o the U.S. military. See April any day but today over the lunch hour under the Chipeta Land Bridge.
Oral Roberts was a cheerleader before he underwent a sect change operation! Get it? Thousands of great jokes like this one can be right on the tip of your lips. Preachers, teachers, politicians, speechwriters, college professors, salesmen, barbers…anyone with a mouth can benefit tomorrow! Cheap. Cole D. Sack Press, Sand Creek, CO.
Lost: King-size waterbed on Ohio Pass. Call Flo on the other side.
Free to good home: Custom made dentures. I hate the bastards. Acquired in 1979 and used only during meals since that time. Tobacco chewer preferred. Mona Fange, Sapinero Beach Estates.
We think one of your livestock needs a talk show of his or her very own. What do you think? Imagine one of your bovines sitting cross-legged discussing weight loss techniques or a rooster at the end of his seat praising great literature! Dogs and cats eligible too! Send $35 for starter kit to Melvin O’Toole, Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427.
Notice: The Information Highway running from Mack, Colorado to Garden City, Kansas will be closed for paving operations through May. Please arrange to take a detour on roads less traveled during the height of the American civilization, before computers ran everything and people were taught to ignore their instincts in favor of instructions printed in Chinese. Your friends at Colorado Division of Transcendentalism, Denver.
LAME DUCK PRESIDENTS CALENDAR FOR 2018. $50 to Kid Riyadh Productions. Allow 12 months for delivery. Please send references to Hillary Clinton, Rich Attorneys For a Better America, 37 Wall Mart Circle, Whitewater, Arkansas.
For sale: 2008 Corvette – $200 or best offer. Cigarette lighter doesn’t work and although I would never even think of smoking tobacco it’s ruined in my mind. One of the tires is leaking too and the windshield is dirty. Muffy at extension 4, in Aspen or call my cell phone in Vail.
Get a jump on the holidays in 2018! Early morning Santa needed for 1935 department store. No drunks. Must enjoy squealing children and consumerism. Scenes in black and white only. Apply at Who’s On First National Bank Lobby.
Unchain my heart but chain up your bald tires at Tyrone’s Sassafras Pass Gas. Just say “Lift me up, Tyrone.” Happy spring.
Hey St. Valentine: Yo dude.
Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Offer good weekends only. I work during the week. Rudolph.
Rocky Mountain Oyster cufflinks…The perfect gift for the gourmet on your Valentines lisp. $15 at Big Bart’s Back Porch Sushi, next to Ben Gray’s Wild West Show.
Why kill a turkey or a pig for Easter dinner when fish sticks are already dead? – Manny, Holiday Diner’s Quadrant, Chama.
Fake Coals Mines Popping Up in Unlikely Spots
A throng of fake coalmines have now appeared on the landscape leading environmentalists to conclude that it’s another latent smoke and mirrors move by the current Administration. The mines have cropped up in spots never before believed to have coal under them.
One of the largest of the excavations is in the middle of Iowa, a state that voted heavily for Trump in 2016. Other extraction stations/mines have been hastily thrown up in Nebraska and Kansas. Often the facilities consist of phony shafts and false front above ground buildings. Hydraulic jacks litter the grounds, accentuated by draglines, shearers, piles of coal and tunnels to nowhere.
Smaller mines are reportedly under construction in such non-traditional locales as Mississippi, Texas and Wisconsin – states won by Trump – where playing to a pro-coal base/ideology appears to be getting some positive attention.
No new “cardboard buildings, forged production figures, counterfeit tunnels or bags of coal dust hauled from other locations, are present in coal belt states such as Kentucky, West Virginia or Colorado, leading critics to accuse the White House of grandstanding with no plan to follow through on flimsy promises to fossil fuel enthusiasts.
“Trump is playing games here with a tell-them-what-they-want-to-hear message peppered with untruths that have become synonymous with his reign,” coughed a retired miner.
The short-sighted mining interests have even introduced a little union busting and parasitic company store ledgers to lend authenticity to the moves,” said one former EPA official. “Many of us in opposition are like those “bear of Madam Bovary banging on pots and pans trying to get the attention of the stars.”
It was not known if a plan to build a wall across the southwestern border of the country would feature fake concrete thus falling in line with this coal scam. Many see the wall as an extension of ego on the part of the White House and conclude that the plan is already out of control. Already many Texas ranchers are at odds with what they call Humpty Trumpy’s Wall.
A source in the GOP House told the Horseshoe that false front banks, schools, bridges, churches, courts and assembly halls are projected for completion 2019.
“It’s our way of saving the infrastructure so important to every tax payer and their grandchildren who will be paying for all of our fiscal voodoo,” said General Worthington Bulbous, the last man who actually comes to work at the Pentagon.
“Although these do nothing to generate electricity they are preferred over windmills and solar power,” he said off the record. “Much of our constituency remains convinced that these methods are sinful and will lead to a crash. Now where do you suppose they got those ideas?”
– Fred Zeppelin
CRESTED QUIZ
Take the quiz. All the good things in life are free. Besides, you’re this far into it. If you answer all of the questions correctly you need to get out of town more often.
1. If Bozar called the shots the White House would be what color?
2. Since the 1860s the dance of choice in the Slate River Valley has been: a.) the Watusi b.) the Bugaloo c.) the Funky Broadway d.) the Polka.
3. Over 3,000 Indian head rock formations exist inside the Mt. Crested Butte town limits. Can you name them all?
4. Name the members of D.D. and the Bomb Squad. What was the title of their third album?
5. If you had 200 burros standing around in the middle of town in 1880 you could: a.) be in for a big cleanup. b.) have a lot of mouths to feed. c.) hardly hear yourself think. d.) make a small fortune hauling supplies to Aspen. What about 200 burritos?
6. Several wonderful inventions came about here. Among them are: a.) Skiing b.) Snow. c.) Texans d.) Flauschink e.) mountain bikes
7. If you turn left onto White Rock then go two blocks and take another left, than a right, then another left and go straight what would you run into?
8. Ruby Irwin refers to:
a. A breakfast omelet served with Spam, Velveta cheese and molybdenum.
b. The Wicked Witch of the East South East, who summers here.
c. The original home of the Elk Mountain Pilot.
d. A prostitute who nursed over 400 miners back to health after a small pox epidemic in 1895.
9. During the boom days of the early 1900s what great Crested Buttian made up the schedule for two-story outhouse use during mud season?
10. In 1970 Cindy Quint and her magical accordion are playing at Frank and Gal’s Bar and Cafe? What’s the scene there in 2018?
11.) Uncle Meat owned a.) a butcher shop b.) the first gym in Crested Butte c.) a towing company d.) a very successful guide and outfitting enterprise.
12. If the Confederacy had won the Civil War a.) grits would have replaced home fries as a staple b.) Coloradans would vacation in Texas and Oklahoma c.) there would be a statue of Robert E. Lee in Totem Pole Park d.) Gone With the Wind would have been filmed in Rhode Island.
13. What do Jokerville, Smith Hill, Floresta and Painter Boy have in common?
14. True or false? The coal shed of Crested Butte’s first full-service barber shop, built in the 1890s, housed a still, and was not used to store hair as the story goes.
15.) Summer in Crested Butte begins on ___ and runs through ____. (Temperatures not technicalities)
16.) What is the ratio of dogs to realtors in Crested Butte. (Use your calculator on this one).
17.) One has reached coolness in Crested Butte when a.) you own a complete set of tire chains for your mountain bike b.) the local marshal’s office gives you a nickname c.) the restaurants serve you breakfast after 11 am d.) the Alpine Express drivers wave at you on Highway 135. e.) all of the above.
18.) Where would the premier showing of the film Dr. Zhivago most likely be showing in 1970? a.) Klinkerhaus b.) The Tailings c.) the Princess Theater d.) Lawrence of Oregano’s.
19.) What was the biggest threat to the peace and tranquillity of Crested Butte in the late 19th Century? a.) powder days b.) fire c.) Indian attacks d.) Wobblies.
20.) The last brothel in Crested Butte was named: a.) Mrs. Lovelace’s Notion and Confectionery b.) out for a walk c.) as the premise for time sharing d.) Frosted Fanny’s.
21.) Crested Butte burned down in 1889 a.) because it was made of sticks, not of bricks b.) to make room for a new quad lift c.) to collect the insurance when the mines weren’t producing d.) because wood burning ordinances prohibited it from burning up.
22.) The largest body of water in Gunnison County is a.) Blue Mesa Reservoir b.) Taylor reservoir c.) Lake Irwin d.) the ski area parking lot in April.
23.) Mt. Crested Butte, true or false?
24.) What are the seven naughty words never to be uttered on KBUT?
25.) Butch Cassidy’s real name was a.) Harold Zimmerman b.) Paul Newman c.) Neil Murdoch d.) Robert Parker.
Bonus Math Question: If the average income in Gunnison county is $45,000 and the average cost of purchasing a home is $325,000 how can Jack and Jill live up on the hill?
– Sir Otis of Liver
Imitating chicken sounds nets fine, jail time for Olathe man
(Pea Green) Melvin Toole thought he was under the radar, living in this quiet Western Colorado town. He never figured his incessant chipping and clucking would irritate anyone much less be called a public nuisance. But, like the old rule on moderation, Toole got caught with his wattle up and his feathers down.
One of his neighbors complained and he was charged with complicity to empower chaos in the barnyard, disturbing the peace after a slew of warnings, aggravated pecking, impersonating a cock and questionable spurring in the henhouse.
Toole can imitate the Langshan and the Jersey Giant simultaneously while digging potatoes,” tweeted one supporter. “I saw him do it at Pea Green Hall back in the 70s. Rather than throwing him into the slammer we should be elevating him to celebrity status,” she barked. “He should be considered a national treasure.”
Toole, the batty rooster type, originally from Cahone, began the vocal masquerade as a hobby but it quickly grew out of control.
“He couldn’t stop,” said his estranged wife Belle, who moved to Maybell in 2009 to get rid of all the parroting. “He started early and finished late and after all that he refused to lay so much as one measly egg. I tried taping his beak and even hit him with a board but he wouldn’t shut up.”
Toole, like so many others in Western Colorado, will undergo psychiatric tests next week to see if he is healthy enough for a week in jail. The fines, amounting to $100 were paid by the Friends of Poultry and the local humane society.
– Uncle Pahgre
“I could get in more pleasant “trouble” walking home from church in Colombia then I could staying out all night in Las Vegas USA.” – from 3.2 Puritans on Opiates by Gunther Upanishads
