All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

COLUMBINE FIELD TRIP NETS POLARITY

(Montrose) Students at Columbine Middle School have discovered the existence of what teachers think is the North Pole during a seasonal field trip on the Uncompahgre Plateau. Participants, collecting rocks for a school terrarium, stumbled across small stones containing an iron ore thought to be magnetite.

“One end of the stone was obviously attracted by the earth’s north pole while the other end was attracted by the earth’s south pole. This is powerful medicine to say the least,” said one teacher.

Up until now most people believed that the North Pole was nothing more than the fictitious home of Santa Claus and that the South Pole was full of worthless penguins hanging out waiting to be eaten by polar bears or sharks. The rest thought magnetic pull was a result of witchcraft.

“Last year all we got out of the annual field trip was a field. This year we may be on our way to developing electromagnets,” said the teacher.

– Laura Borealis

GOVERNMENT TAKING YOUR TVS

Guns Safe For Now

(Montrose) With a federal mandate overlooked by the FCC all television is slated to be blacked out through July. This would include would include video games and internet.

Antennas, radios other listening devices are no use in this atmosphere of fear and trepidation. Citizens will have until June 15 to self-adjust and fill out forehead and background checks to qualify for state-subsidized fossil fuel powered stations in the future.

The old signal baggage (a faire signe la coquine) has been relocated to an unknown telecommunications space satellite somewhere upstairs. The keys to the entire outfit are reportedly “orbiting the earth as we speak”, according to the source, who refused to elaborate.

In response to this entertainment void the City of Montrose has begun installing hundreds of chessboards. Made of local wood products, the small tables dot the downtown and in tranquil, remote locations within the burgh. In addition the San Juan Horseshoe will begin publishing three magazines, two dailies, a bi-monthly sports review, a weekly, a real estate guide, a weather flyer and a weekend broadsheet. The website, a former monthly newspaper, will also give free tango lessons on Thursdays.

According to a gov’ment source familiar with these kinds of occurrences, the reason for the idiotboxus interruptus is the need for a realignment or in laymen’s terms to muck out positive and negative cholestérol from cable lines and wireless installations at the East Pole.

First industrial checkup since ____ (the day that Congress loosened controls on multiple media ownership in same markets.)

In spite of news accounts on several networks there will be no need to surrender your TVs. FCC deputies will not be coming by to collect them.

“In September or so we’ll do a quick assessment and see if anyone wants the system recharged or if they noticed its absence,” said a technician who watches wires at the government agency. “Maybe then we’ll leave it in sleep mode until football season.”

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Identity Brokers in Town Tuesday

(Almont) Representatives from the nation’s top identity brokerages will be in town this week hoping to acquire as many as 600 local identities. Once called identity theft, and heralded as a threat to fiscal well-being, the emerging practice of paying cash for people’s identities, now legal, has grown into a billion dollar enterprise.

“Once we convinced the government leaders that it would be easier to manipulate public opinion with many identities under the one roof of corporate sponsorship, we were on the way,” said Norm Valaparaiso, who alone has over 7000 identities in his trophy case. “The Congress passed an amendment, the President signed it off and we began recruiting willing identities right out in the open.”

Residents willing to sell their identity should assemble at dawn at the confluence of the East and Slate Rivers, and bring along an overnight case. Despite a slight drop in demand over the summer and fluctuating interest rates, most identities are still bringing in about $2.39 per pound. Analysts hope that projected inflation will drive prices up and precipitate increased interest on the part of the general population.

“Right now it’s a buyer’s market. They’re scared. They’re waiting,” said Valaparaiso. “I don’t blame them.

Local Woman Wins Nobel Prize

Hack after receiving the news of her prize

(Stockholm UPS) After minutes of deliberation the Nobel Committee on Non-Essential Pomp awarded this year’s prize for apathy to Dubbie Hack of Olathe.

A spokesman for the group, Svim Orsinke, explained:

“Vell ve yust could not decide between Dub and anoder American, Al Gore. Den ve found out dot Gore tinks he cares, and tinks he does his yob. He even tinks he will be elected President. Dub, on da odder hand, has never kidded herself on dese madders.”

The monetary prize is traditionally awarded to one who displays concerted disinterest, steadfast indifference and/or a strong and resolute lack of concern for all of humanity.

Dub shot to immediate dark fame after she ran over her grandmother on her way to the liquor store last July. When questioned by authorities regarding the old woman in the driveway Dub explained that he had been in a hurry to get to the store before All-star Nordic Wrestling hit the airwaves. The incident was then called accidental by police and no charges were filed.

Critics question the link between the Nobel Committee and Nordic Wrestling Federation suggesting collusion or at the very least tampering and election fraud.

“She might have made it to the mailbox if I hadn’t nailed her on the way back too,” Hack quipped, rolling her eyes. “What had she doing out there on the driveway anyway?” The woman should have been wearing lights or at least an orange vest.”

When told of the decision Dub said he was honored and inquired about said cash awards.

“The gods love the obscure and hate the obvious.”

The Upanishads (800-500 BC)

Snoop on the Tube

American culture has finally lapped itself with the new Joker’s Wild, a late night game show with Snoop Doggie Dog as the host.

Depends Intros Opinion Pants

“Everyone has one and it often gets messy”. That’s the slogan for Depenz new Opinion Pants that have only yesterday been approved by a slew of unnecessary federal agencies and echoed by floundering consumer protection eunuchs.

The pants, made of synthetic hemp, can be worn on the inside or the outside and are not just for older people. The wrap not only keep one’s sense of humor dry but it mutes and edits verbiage transmitted from vital organs according to a spokesperson for Depenz.

One could only expect to see a variety of applications from bar chatter to family dinners, and from city council minutes to law enforcement efforts.

Everyone needs a little control when it comes to relieving themselves through hasty or mindless opinions, according to the innovative company. These are apt to do the trick!

Despite all the excitement the release of the product is not expected until November. Interested consumers are asked to “just shut up” until then.

– Fred Zeppelin