All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Apple releases core data on iBreathe

(Gunnison) The Apple Corporation confirmed today that Gunnison, Colorado has been designated official test market for its new iBreathe tablet. The iBreathe, a kissing cousin to iPad, e-Books and iPhone, will reportedly take over human bodily functions such as breathing and digestion while it corners daily constitutionals such as eating, drinking, sleeping and regularity.

According to Apple executives, the iBreathe will go a long way toward freeing up users for other functions such as tantric meditation, skiing and yard work.

“We’re proud of this one,” said someone who used to work at Apple, “and hope that by next year we can address the human factor, which continues to get in the way of technology. In short, we hope to introduce earth shattering products that will allow people to live on the planet without minimal effort.

Gunnison was chosen due to a curious harmony that exists between gadgetry and the great outdoors. People here, according to Apple researchers remain transfixed in a sort of reality limbo where state-of-the-art mountain bikes easily blend with the hardware of tomorrow and the frightening software common to full screen mode. Hick tech with a bagel. It is a distinct scenario that exists in few locales.

“We expect to see people more relying on these sorts of products to get through the day,” said one local computer game standout. “If one grows tired of natural body functions he can flip a switch and the iBreathe will do these for him.

The iBreathe is guaranteed to allow those living off the grid to stay in touch and help develop the computer skills that will be mandatory down the road. Although many fear that the inability to digest the barrage of computer lingo will lead to social and economic disaster, Apple says affordability will win out in the end.

The iBreath costs under $400,000 and is guaranteed for the life of the user. The investment, continues Apple, is about that of an overpriced house in the suburbs.

“We can clearly see the day when everyone will adapt their lives to computers, and not the other way around,” said a press release received this afternoon.

Our source had no comment when asked if Apple had developed similar products for pets and houseplants.

– Susie Compost

Jack’s Cabin Librarian Accused of Grand Larceny

(Almont) A veteran librarian here has been accused of stealing more than $10,000 from the county. The missing funds were reported this morning by library examiners from Powderhorn.

“The missing cash was stored in three cellophane bags marked with an X, said one investigator. “Most is in the form of crisp $50 bills with assorted change totaling $10,346.93.”

Authorities ask that anyone with information on the location of the loot call Crime Shoppers or simply come forward. A small reward is offered.

“Hair is the first thing. And teeth the second. Hair and teeth. A man got those two things he’s got it all.”    – James Brown (1933 – 2006)


VIDA, AMOR Y AREPAS EN LOS ANDES COLOMBIANOS VERDES

La próxima entrega de Amor y Antioquia, que ahora se presentará como una novela (el concepto de la función de juego no generó ningún interés). Pero antes de que me distraiga más de mi tarea inmediata, quiero recordarles que la palabra en español para el día es tierna, que significa tierno, y describe a mi compañero de viaje.

AREPA LOVE Todos los platos en Colombia cuentan con una gran (a veces pequeña) baba arepa desayuno, almuerzo y cena. Es un cruce entre un pan de maíz seco y una tortilla de maíz seca. Solo con mirar uno se sabe que produce algodón boreal. Creo que la gente los come porque siempre lo han hecho y sin ninguna otra buena razón. Pero ellos son tenaces. En su defensa, las arepas son amigas con huevos revueltos y queso, frijoles y arroz o sopa de papa y una ensalada.

RON ANTES DEL DESHONOR Al llegar al Café Latampa en el Jardín para mi café de la mañana, noté que mi amigo Alfonso estaba meticulosamente llenando un gran agujero con café molido de su operación. Lo vi terminar el trabajo y no dijo nada. Jardin se parece mucho a Ouray y actúa como Ridgway en los años 70. Salsa, Cumbia, Tango chirriando de las barras mezclándose involuntariamente con campanas de la iglesia y el clop de caballos sobre los adoquines. Vimos pocos gringos en las dos semanas que pasamos aquí. Incluso menos arriba de la ciudad donde nuestro hotel tenía una gran bañera y dos deliciosas trucherías (restaurantes de truchas) gobernaban el gallinero. Uno de estos restaurantes, Valdivia, presenta a un pastor social muy alemán en la puerta. La cultura es fuerte en Antioquia, aún no diluida por el turismo mundial, que ha afectado a otras ciudades en el llamado camino gringo. Cuanto mejor es tu español, mejor será tu visita.

MUCHO RUIDO ¿Sabías que el famoso cantante colombiano Alci Acosta perfeccionó sus habilidades vocales vendiendo chocolate en Riosucio? (Hogar de algunas de las aves más malas del mundo). Ahí es donde nos dirigimos a un camino de tierra de tres horas en la parte trasera de una chiva (una camioneta con cubiertas y asientos). Sería bueno tener un poco de silencio pero, de ninguna manera; Alguien enciende una estación de radio de voladura de Manizales. El ruido es definitivamente irritante en Colombia, pero afortunadamente trajé mi 5 x 8, super whambo 800-decibal Cerwin Vega alto veces (altavoces) para actuar como ecualizadores amplios.

Kim Clings to Emotional Support Nukes

(Seoul) With a groundbreaking summit close at hand, Kim Jong-un, Dear Leader of North Korea, is still not budging on an emotional support nuke clause in the preliminary agreements earmarked to be signed near the demilitarized zone on Friday.

The controversial clause calls for Kim’s continued possession of at least one small nuclear weapon as an emotional support vehicle. The North Korean despot would maintain the right to travel with and display the weapon through 2020. The continued custody was not expected to be a point of contention in a massive financial aid package offered by the West in return for the dismantling of Kim’s nuclear arsenal.

“Dear Leader needs emotional support to be sure,” said one former aide now in hiding in Laos. And what says buttress like an atomic bomb? People have emotional support dogs, emotional support financiers, even emotional support teams. Kim craves the security that can only be realized by the Big One close at hand. In short the North Korean leader wants to insure that he will retain some bang for his buck within the coming negotiations.

“It’s an ominous security blanket,” said the source.

In a related development diplomats insist that Kim Jong-un’s apparent change of heart when it comes to talking with the United States has nothing whatsoever with Kim’s alleged desire to meet porn star Stormy Daniels. Rumors have been flying in the Forbidden City that President Trump would “see to the introductions” in return for China’s help reigning in Kim.

“Chinese foreign Minister Wang Yi, his counterpart Ri Young of North Korea and Chinese President, Xi Jinping have been accused by human rights advocates of curousing in the company of Western floozies but Trump has yet to be linked to these high-level, low-end moral infractions.

– Yangtze Go Homme

Ouray Siren Recovered

Sounding off in middle of night

The Historic Ouray town siren, which for years only sounded at noon, is once again in the hands of responsible parties according to authorities here. Over the past few weeks residents have been exposed to extended siren use in the middle of the night for everything from cats in trees to barbecue blazes and it’s not even summer yet.

“First we thought the television police had gotten hold of the thing,” said Melvin Toole of the Ouray Dice Park Coalition. “That would be irritating enough, but then we realized our worst fears when it became apparent that snow anarchists from Silverton had made off with the sounding device.”

Apparently the anarchist element from San Juan County, dubbed White Noise, had set the siren up near Mount Abram intent on barraging its neighbor town with siren shrills all day and night until Ouray surrendered to higher up demands regarding Ruby Wall and dynamite futures.

Authorities told The Horseshoe that at first it appeared that the alarm device had caught a virus from siren-happy contingents in Gunnison.

“It was the same old Boy Who Cried Wolf routine, or so we thought,” said one city spokesperson. “Then, when we met up with fringe elements of the anarchist group at in the cookie aisle at Duckett’s we figured something was fishy.”

“That’s all we need with the tourist cruise ships coming in,” barked Toole.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

“The mind is its own place and in itself make a Heaven of Hell and a Hell of Heaven.” – Lucifer in Milton’s “Paradise Lost”  – Blabbermouth Milton was less than concise in his ten books with over ten thousand lines of verse. He could have covered the subject in two paragraphs.

CONGRESS TO UNDRESS E-MAIL ADDICTION

Sputniks in Cyberspace?

(Washington) The situation is worse than imagined. That’s the conclusion of a Congressional sub-committee on the sensitive subject of E-Mail addiction.

At press time more and more people are accessing the Internet and with it the ability to send messages on-line. Soon many become addicted to the instant gratification that comes from split second electronic chatter. Then they start sending small talk and inconsequential banter over the net.

“The most severely addicted send meaningless drivel to a host of destinations,” said one investigator. “Lots of times they don’t even know with whom they are communicating. They spend countless hours at the computer sending what is in affect junk mail.”

In many instances the lame messages are quickly deleted by the receiver upon recognizing the sender’s name on the in box roster which is noting more than a waste of time.

“Imagine a woman in Missouri waiting for a new catfish and black-eyed peas recipe from her mother in Louisiana when all of a sudden she gets one of those puked family Christmas updates on E-Mail,” said one committee member. “It could easily be enough to ruin her appetite for the holidays.”

After the the summer recess Congress will decide if legislation is necessary to prevent the spread of this disease. According to unconfirmed sources here the law makers agree that such practices are an invasion of privacy but have yet to determine if constant E-Mail activity can be treated as a social disease.

“We’d like to find a cure before it’s too late,” continued the source. “If these people had to go to the trouble of mailing a letter one wouldn’t hear from them in a coon’s age.”

“He cannot think without his hat.”   – Samuel Beckett, Waiting For Godot (1952)