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Mountain Express to run buses on discarded phone books
(Crested Butte) In what experts are calling a revolutionary fuel saving effort, Mountain Express buses will begin burning unclaimed/discarded phone directories as of July. The gratis Crested Butte bus service is currently using an assortment of cooking oil, fossil fuels and good will to keep the service afloat.
At the time of this writing there are an estimated 40 different telephone books circulating Gunnison County alone. According to unconfirmed sources if every person in the county used 5 phone directories in a year that would leave some 700,000 books collecting dust. The number of books from other locales smuggled into area during the summer months is, according to spleen counters, impossible to estimate.
Fears that the directories might fall into the hands of international terrorists prompted a no lo contesto gov’ment intrusion policy in the alternative use program.
“We can operate our fleet on half that many,” said a spokesman for Mountain Express. “Since storage is limited, and because there will be new books coming off the press we plan to give some of the leftover books to the indigent for use in cooking. The rest will most likely be used to wallpaper Totem Pole Park.
The application of the recycled phone books is expected to relieve the rising cost of more traditional fuels and provide reading material for people bored with the alpine scenery here in one of so many paradises.
“We will have to forgo fuel-injected engines and continue to shun air-conditioning, but these measures will pay for themselves by ski season,” said D. Tucker, former Executive Director of Humane Services for the company. “In addition I am ordering all current bus drivers to shave their heads for improved visibility, high altitude velocity and streamline-dynamics.”
Several publishers of the junk phone books, chosen at random for comment, did not return our calls Friday since we do not have a phone.
Anyone finding himself with more directories than necessary should call Mountain Express to arrange pickup. Books with pages missing will not be accepted.
– Suzie Compost
