All Entries Tagged With: "montrose summer calendar"

MONTROSE CALENDAR

Con Artist Exhibit Set for July

     The recent work of local con artists will be on display at the Montrose Ditch Rider’s annex through July 15 according to organizers of the event. Along with acknowledged masterpieces from the past decade, tools of the trade from aluminum siding scams to “too good to be true” telephone offers are featured. Although the controversial show has drawn slim crowds up to the present, promoters say the information herein is valuable and may prevent consumer fraud scams in the future.

     “The artwork of these felons is really quite creative in its own right,” said Paula Chicane, a semi-rehabilitated savings and loan officer. “We expect a more substantial response with the inclusion of the Colorado River water sale exhibit over the weekend.”

     Chicane reminded would-be victims of shady dealings that personal greed is a key element to all underhanded ventures.

     “In most cases you still can’t cheat an honest man,” she said.

122nd Annual Chicken or Egg Seminar

     Forces representing both sides of the age old question will once again meet to attempt to iron out differences on July 24 at the Henny Penny Pavilion here. Featured speakers include former Pentagon official Humpty Dumpty, Michael Tyson and the third cousin of the late Colonel Sanders. No ducks will be admitted during rituals. Readings from The Egg and I will be presented intermittently throughout the day. Culinary demonstrations focusing on the separation of whites and yellows will terminate with the beginning of preliminary fist fights in the parking lot.

How to Get More Out of Your Employees

     The local Office of Perpetual Education will sponsor the next phase of its popular Business for the 21st Century on Tuesday nights through December. The impetus of this month’s conference centers on getting more out of your employees, hosted by members of a crack Walmart traveling management team. Off-the-clock Walmart employees will be on hand with coffee and donuts. It all starts at eight sharp with doors locked until at least ten. Local businessmen and others with a keen interest in manipulating underachievers are invited.

GET TO KNOW THE INS NIGHT

     All illegal immigrants are invited to the first annual Get To Know Your Immigration and Customs Enforcement, formerly the Immigration and Naturalization Service, slated for July 31 at 7 pm. While the politicians talk about legalization and recognition of this burgeoning section of the population INS officers will get down to the business of handing out temporary Green Cards and gift baskets for the needy. Then ICE will confiscate the materials as contraband. Maps of the Sonoran Desert and recommended Mexican restaurants in the US will be handed out as part of the innovative Have a Heart Program sponsored by unnamed local missions.

Fried Food Channel Kicks Off Service

     Consumers interested in subscribing to the new Fried Food Channel on cable are reminded to attend a Kick-off Luncheon on Thursday 11 am August 20 at the Sunnyside Executive Suites. In addition to acquiring necessary technology to receive the signal, an assortment of fried foods will be available. Note: Persons with the Lifelike Aroma Module already built-in to their television sets should show up at noon effectively skipping the introductory song and dance. The first 100 subscribers will receive a leftover Naughty Easter Basket compliments of Muscle Clover’s.