All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Economist Predicts Steady Growth for Western Slope
(Western State Bursar’s Office – Gunnison – January 2o, 2015)
A noted local Bland Valley economist had good news for Western Colorado today saying that healthy growth is here to stay. He assured cynics, packed into the St. Roscoe’s Holiday Bazaar, that major logistical control groups such as children, puppies, lawns and hair will achieve unprecedented growth while fringe segments such as trees, fiscal committees, marijuana gardens, personal opinions, magpie flocks, income taxes, suburbs without cities and grocery prices will maintain a solid, stable rise through 2015.
The San Juan and Elk Mountains, formed some 175 million years ago, will see little monetary expansion or geological development. Voter behavior, the U. S. Congress, credit card responsibility, reading and language skills, television and general brotherly tolerance will remain stagnant according to revenue clairvoyant Diane F. Dollars, of the Rare Coin Institute in Fruita.
While the projections were well received, most in the audience had hoped for clearer, more concise indications of their fiscal futures. Macro or micro, the entire picture is not foolproof nor does it claim to represent all walks of life.
“People who get up every day to go to work and people who sleep all day can expect the same quality of life,” said the protected source. “Persons who have inherited wealth and those who make minimum wage will see little difference while life will offer much the same to bankers, journalists and other petty thieves.”
Dr. Enselmo Sturgeon, Director of Urine Analysis at the University of Downtown Delta and a respected voice on such matters as blanket investments and pillow talk, says the forecasts are invalid since they do not break down the behavior of producers and the lethargic within society as a hole.
“Sure growth is much like the food chain,” he gestured. “Some eat and some go hungry. Survival itself is a victory be it in the jungle or up in the mountains. What remains essential is the human desire to succeed.”
Joining Sturgeon in this confederacy of optimism are incumbent politicos who, unlike potential challengers and out-of-luck party candidates, point to positive trends real or imagined, in their appraisal.
“We realize that this adventure in economics is only a summation of statistics, peppered with silly measures such as consumer confidence and low interests rates,” said Dollars. “We don’t suggest buying another yacht or maxing your credit cards. It’s a sensitive issue to say the least and many of us are not all that comfortable talking about money with strangers.”
– Aaron Greenspam
Colorful Diet
(Cumberland Conundrum — January 20, 2015) Back in 1957, Allie Teete survived for two weeks and a day on a diet of salmon eggs, earthworms and beer while marooned on a deserted island in the middle of Blue Mesa. Moments after his rescue, Teete told reporters that he limited his intake to 3 eggs, two worms and a handful of beer each day. He further claimed that he had become intimate with the local fish and could not bring himself to eat his new friends.
Century Link Office Without Service
(Special from Hello Phone! – February 10, 2015) The local office of Century Link has been without telephone service since earlier this week due to the actions of an undetermined employee or employees in an undisclosed office somewhere over the rainbow.
“We have called and called to get this matter sorted out but we are either put on hold or run through an annoying series of prompts and hoops,” said Orem Zapp, of the detached corporate telephone provider. “Century Link needs to hire more “service professionals” or lower its rates. Paying customers should not have to deal with this runaround.”
The service was apparently cut-off back on Wednesday due to what has now been logged as nonpayment. Sources at Century Link are convinced that someone simply hit the wrong switch somewhere in its vast empire of wires and digital beeps.
“This is ridiculous,” cried Zapp. “We always pay our bills on time.”
According to a hastily formatted response, Century Link says the disconnected party has not paid a phone bill since the days of Ma Bell and the Pony Express.
Citing case number 45kk30091LSMFT, Century Link contends that irresponsible behavior demands punitive actions be taken: The disconnection of the offending member.
Century Link offices here continue to be without service. Corporate sources, insulated by design from its client base, have estimated that the cut-off party will have to pay $2143.06 to reconnect. Today’s correspondence verifies that the amount will continue to increase until the bill is paid in full.
“We are not demons,” said one company spokesperson. “We can set up a payment plan.”
Meanwhile, employees at the secret underground facility located somewhere beneath the Uncompahgre Plateau are carrying on with the daily exchange by employing CB radios and homing pigeons.
Fortunately the postal service is on its toes,” said Zapp, “so we can continue to send out invoices to our customers in good standing.
– Susie Compost
Town Rejected as Nuclear Waste Dump
(Montrose, Colorado — Atomic Chronicle — January 20, 2015) To the profound disappointment of the residents of Manana, Colorado, Chem-Nuclear Systems has soundly disqualified the locale saying it is not nice enough to be used as a proposed site for a low-level radioactive waste repository.
“It’s a shock, to say the last,” said one incredulous resident of the economically depressed, often desperate burgh where children once ate uranium tailings for breakfast. “Was it something we said?”
When a town is dismissed as a potential waste site, the future looks bleak especially considering most towns do not want this kind of industry in their backyard.
“We painted the place and spruced up the dump and all the junk yards,” whined another inhabitant. “The river still moves and the rocks still shine.”
“Manana is a lovely town,” said a spokesman for Chem-Nuclear. “The people are friendly and supportive and cheap labor abounds. The hunting and fishing are the best and the views are incredible. But, frankly Manana did not have what we were looking for in a radioactive dumpsite. You might say Manana was not our cup of tea…or in this case our cup of swill.”
One storekeeper expressed it well, saying the dismissal was a lot like asking the ugliest person you can find to marry you only to be turned down flat. He then told reporters that the entire town is depressed and humiliated by the actions of Chem-Nuclear.
“We think the company is run by liberals,” he scoffed.
In a related development, officials here confirmed rumors that the United States Air Force is searching for a new bombing range and target test area with structures intact.
“Sure, we’ll fill out the forms and apply for the position,” said one councilperson, “but after losing the dump our hearts are barely into it.”
– Mel Toole
Local Attorney Sues Self for Millions
(Lake City — Hinsdale Howler and Miner — January 20, 2015) A local lawyer has filed a $3 million lawsuit against herself in District Quart this morning. The document alleges that she “willfully did seek to diminish fiscal potential which then did irreparable harm to herself and her cats.
Wathena Savoy, a failed denture maker who turned to the law in 2003, sat unmoved as the preliminary hearing proceeded. She then confronted the court loudly, accusing herself of spending her grocery money at the local bar.
She then went into a clever charade explaining how she spent over $2000 on lottery tickets (to win $2) and has maintained constant credit card debt over $70,000. Later, last spring, she drove her sparkling new 2014 Henway off Slumgullion Pass after allowing her insurance to expire.
A now tearful Savoy then broke down and told the judge that she had buried over $25,000 in a coffee can to avoid paying tax on the sum. Unfortunately she got stoned and forgot where she had hidden the loot.
“And now the phone bill is overdue,” she sobbed.
Savoy ended her pungent soliloquy by begging the court for mercy and a few dollars to pay the parking meter. – Peter Pecker