All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

Dear Editor:

March 25, 2015

I must take exception with an article entitled “Presidential Notes” which appeared in your January issue. For your information Richard Nixon played the electric guitar and not the cello as you repeatedly asserted. Also, Gerald Ford mastered the triangle while in gym class at Michigan, not while sitting in Congress. While you were correct in your assumption that Jimmy Carter played the harmonica you were remiss in your failure to mention his love affair with the washboard. It was at a washboard convention that he met both Teddy Kennedy and Walter Mondale in 1979.
The breakdown of Presidents and their musical instrument of choice follows a simple enough pattern. Some 22 Presidents, including Adams, Monroe, Tyler and Lincoln played the violin while another 30 enjoyed the piano. Teddy Roosevelt could really lay down some ragtime. Two played the tuba (Cleveland and Taft) and seven (including Bill Clinton) have chosen the saxophone as their preferred instrument. The only Chief Executive that did not play a musical instrument was Millard Filmore who was completely tone deaf and spent his brief two-year stint plowing through Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter”, which he inadvertently left behind when driven from the White House. His successor Franklin Pierce could not make heads or tails of the book and subsequently gave it to his sister-in-law for her 50th birthday in 1853.
Thumbellina Etchabarron
Cimarron, CO

Creating the new Tinkers of the Universe

And there we sat for 700 years “gnawing on a naked bone” according to William Butler Yeats but “take a peek at us “now to paraphrase Dylan Thomas

Then another peek: Davey Crocket at the Dublin Post Office on Easter Monday in 1916. “Hey, wait. I’m supposed to be at the Alamo…”

Something deep within the Celtic soul seeks solitude, nature, something more than concrete and neon.

The Irish were victims of English tyranny for almost 800 years. They tried and failed to destroy us as a race. Yet many people of color often mistake us for the oppressors because of the color of our skin. We have never had colonies or oppressed anyone except ourselves. Please get the facts straight and buy us a Guinness or two.

Ronald McDonald Enters Treatment Facility

(Montrose, CO – March 10, 2015)
The McDonald Corporation confirmed that its lead cook and front man, Ronald McDonald, has entered a drug and alcohol treatment facility somewhere in LaPlata County. The clown, known for personal appearances and senseless TV advertising on Saturday mornings, was not available for comment.
It was clear he did not go voluntarily.
McDonald will spend the next three months undergoing therapy aimed at combating recent disorientation and serious depression stemming from his cheerleader role in helping to destroy global small business. Besides the chronic impersonalization of “eating out” McDonald has been implicated in blatant misrepresentation of ingredients, mislabeling menu items, the use of genetically modified foods, and, in the more serious charge…the brainwashing of small children.
These grease mongers have brought the concept of nutrition to its knees and created an unhealthy environment both physically and socially. They have dealt a deathblow to the concept of choice and made the country just that much more plastic and homogenized. It would be far bad enough if they were the only fast foodies but quick success has begat millions of absentee owner/corporate slop houses. They are like cockroaches.”
“Imagine a world without McDonald or McDonalds. What would we lose?” asked one critic. “People I meet in other countries think we all eat this shit, watch television and spend weekends roaming endless malls. How embarrassing,” she winced.
Just last January McDonald seemed to be crumbling, having shouted at a group of preschoolers at the opening of one of his diabetic parlors in Green River. Days later he threw a watered-down coke at a ZYX executive news anchor executive then furiously drove away in his 1949 Porsche, police on his heels.
Upon seizure of his vehicle, officers discovered an illegal stash of clown pornography, a case of Tums and three cosmetic surgery catalogues.
Interviewed back in October McDonald seemed shaken, admitting that the rigors of the restaurant business had taken a toll.
“He was going through some heavy trips,” said Mona McDonald, the clown’s half sister and heir. “Yes, he is a disgrace but I know in my heart that he never intended to hurt anyone.” – Susie Compost

Wal-Mart Ordered to Pay 45.7 Billion in Reparations

(Bentville, AR) Wal-Mart was today instructed to pay more than $45 billion in preliminary damages to American small towns. Saying that the nation’s largest retailer has “stolen the innocence of personal commerce and created a hostile environment for trade” the court denied what amounted to the third appeal on the issue.
The prescribed payments will begin this week with funds strictly earmarked for architectural renovation, commercial reeducation, green space and small business loans.
“This monster has eaten away at the very fiber that is America,” said Judge Timothy Brennan of the United States Court of Serious Jurisprudence, “and has engaged in unfair competition such as misrepresentation, price fixing and the application of brainwashing techniques not seen since the Korean War.”

Oops!

Brennan went on to say that the destruction of small town America must stop and these reparations are just the beginning. He said that the Wal-Mart experience encourages people to be robotic and stupid, which are not two traits consistent with even a fringe democracy.
“Mindless consumerism leads to expanded greed and to desperation which leads to false needs and ultimately more control,” said the judge in his final decision. “The people are sheep and must be protected by a benevolent shepherd not fleeced by heartless men and women who seek to dictate business practices in this culture.”
Bosses at Wal-Mart did not return our phone calls Friday but chatter on the local level suggests that Wal-Mart will be “talking to our friends in Washington” according to one store manager. “This Brennan character will be discredited, disbarred and destroyed before the week is out. And we don’t need government approval since we are the government.”
Officials here denied reports that Brennan would be assassinated, an approach popular with other totalitarian regimes.
A clerk of court, speaking on behalf of Brennan, who is said to be in hiding at the time of this report, said the fines may seem exorbitant but that the destruction is unparalleled in modern history.
“We will never be able to bring back a more gentle, soothing exchange between buyer and seller,” she said. Companies like Wal-Mart have destroyed those days along with a big chunk of Americana. It will never return and the people who support this kind of shabby mercantilism share the blame.”
Brennan, in his closing statement, reiterated these comments saying that shopping at Wal-Mart was unpatriotic.
“What is particularly disheartening is to see that many Americans watch their culture disappearing and they don’t even care. They are too busy consuming junk.”
Meanwhile another faceless Wall Street giant, Citibank, has shrugged off a $7 billion fine imposed by the Justice Department for the sale of high-risk, defective mortgage investments during the sub-prime housing boom.
“We have plenty of money to pay off these paltry damages,” said one unidentified spokesman for Citibank, “and a lot more in off-shore accounts that they’ll never get their hands on.”
Meanwhile Wal-Mart officials denied published reports that it will begin charging customers parking fees during the holiday consumer feeding frenzy in December. – Kashmir Horseshoe

Violence in America

by Dr. Efram Tinklholland, BFD. LSD, LSMFT

From a recent release “Verbalization – Underplaying Violence in America – The far away threat to do bodily harm

In our hectic lives we encounter interactions which might be perceived as harmful or hazardous. Immediately the fight or flight mechanism shifts into gear, triggering an appropriate (or inappropriate) response from the host human. Stress factors such as freeway driving, mega existence, fiscal status, other people and, yes, drugs and alcohol, can create a Jekyll and Hyde response with the slightest provocation. Verbal attacks and even physical threats can be generated by friends and enemies as well as strangers and acquaintances.
Here are some everyday aggressions, spoken or implied by aggressive body language in a prelude to a conflict:

“You keep that up and you’ll be picking your teeth out of your socks”. Sure it’s cute, and even clever enough but in actuality there has never been a recorded case of this redistribution of bicuspids or dentures, at least in the civilized world. The saying originated at the Little Chef Saloon in Ridgway back in the late 70s and has no application to the modern day town where people prefer lawsuits to fisticuffs.

“In just a moment, it’s gonna be open season on your face.” Popular during the fall hunting seasons even though everyone knows there is no official calendar period for violent threats. Friday and Saturday nights appear to be the most likely time but a mid-week brawl is not out of the question. The reference to “in a minute” shows both restraint and indecision and is misleading in that most perpetrators of violence are far more impulsive in application.

“I’m going to punch your lights out.” Likely reference to the fabled knock-out punch and to 25-watt true enlightenment, an elusive station on a bar stool. Rarely has connection to electricity but could leave participants in the dark over what to do for an encore. Voltage not a consideration although two of our friends Oral and Muriel DesPlants did manage to punch out all of the electric fixtures at Red’s Gravy Heaven one night doing $8 worth of damage.

“Watch your mouth!” This contortion, like so many other figures of speech, is physically impossible to achieve without the presence of mirrors or an embarrassing flare up of rubber lip syndrome. Here we observe the speaker offering the offending party another chance if he will simply stove it. No one expects potential sparring partners to roll their eyes in a downward spiral or perform a dangerous horizontal spin. We have seen people lose vertigo on this one and fall onto their faces long before the first punch has been thrown. Even Bill Shakespeare had some splendid advice on the subject: “Do ye not bother the bullfrog…for he is croaking for ancestors. Watch thine own yapper or he shall wop you in the gob…and away be squashed like a plum under the wheel.”

“I’ll slap you silly.” Usually meant as a recreational or off-handed threat rather than an attempt at industrial intimidation. If the conversation continues to go bad, the threatened slap ends up a punch and the recipient may actually end up silly. More likely the anger will subside before the action is embraced. Brawls and scuffles can leave one silly, which is not to be confused with funny.

“You’re gonna get your butt kicked.” This is the clearest intention to inflict pain, injury, damage or other hostile action on another in retribution for something done or undone. In this episode the potential attacker focuses on a different part of the body to make his or her point. Kicking someone in the butt can jeopardize both parties in the middle of a fracas and can lead to a loss of face. Biting is safer, more specific and certainly employs the element of surprise.

“You’re going to the Moon, Alice.” Sociologically speaking this utterance could be the most famous of all literary, domestic threats since Tennessee Williams, Virginia Woolf or even Charlie Dickens. This familiar early warning was coined by Ralph Cramden in “The Honeymooners”. Cramden was a bus driver in New York and the threat was usually voiced about 2/3 of the way through an argument with his wife, the smart-mouthed Alice, who did not take it lightly. In almost eight years of marriage Cramden never made good on his promise and Alice never left the planet. Living in a walk-up. cold water flat may not have been the epitome of elegance but it provided a great set for the domestic struggle. His intentions were often directed toward sewer worker Ed Norton but rarely if ever toward Norton’s wife Trixie. Men: If you choose to go this route, remember to substitute the name Alice for the name of your significant other.

PRESIDENTS AND THEIR DOGS

Due to an overwhelming lack of response from our reader we have decided to present this painfully researched period piece. Hopefully by presenting these leaders as dog lovers we might rebuff certain detractions and show these men as everyday people not just icons lost in the dog hair and slobberings of history.

Since 1782 when George Washington took his oath of office exhorting Congress the “roll over now”, dogs have been a graceful, pleasant complement to the Presidency. A dog or two around the White House was considered “American homey” or at least some indication that someone might come to the door when the bell was rung.

Samuel Adams spent the entire revolution demonizing leash laws until he achieved power. Then he delivered rousing speeches calling for law and order and a stringent leash law to be applied to all the newly freed colonies.

Take Thomas Jefferson. He didn’t care much for dogs at all but kept a pack of 30 in the carriage house in case he saw a fox or his ideological nemesis, Alexander Hamilton. Several of his children kept dogs until they began tearing up the master’s Paris-made perukes and were banished to the servant’s quarters.

Martin Van Buren is known to have bred Yorkies in an attempt to placate Buckingham Palace during the Uruguayan Civil War. Van Buren, a Dutchman, entertains Charles Darwin and his three Border Collies at the White House, despite the British naturalist’s refusal to apply Origins of the Species to the Congress.

Millard Fillmore, voted Best Dressed Commander if Chief in 1851, preferred feeding the capital’s wandering mongrels than allowing a dog to reside at the White House. His sister-in-law’s first cousin, Alberta, is credited with inventing the doggie sweater following Fillmore’s last public appearance in 1854.

US Grant kept three Irish wolfhounds and a keg of brandy with him at all times after the Battle of the Wilderness. “They keep me mellow,” he liked to say. Friends attributed Grant’s chronic puppy breath to his close association with the canines.

Grover Cleveland was indicted in 1891 for attempting to misrepresent yet another paternal suit by presenting a litter of warm, fuzzy puppies to the legal gallery. The jury was then asked to pick out the father from an assembled pack of tail-waggers in the courtroom. Cleveland’s repeated “Look at the cute little puppies” was enough to get the charges dropped to improper passing and barking at the moon. During the lame duck days of his presidency Cleveland became very picky about what dogs were around saying that some of them made him look fat.

Teddy Roosevelt accidently shot “Puffy” his wife’s small poodle while planning the preliminary stages of the attack on San Juan Hill, aka the whiskey cabinet in his New York mansion. Due to the toughness exhibited by the little dog after the shooting, Roosevelt brought him on brief military maneuvers to Cuba in 1900. Puffy is credited with turning around a Spanish frontal assault and disabling a counter attack the next morning. He retired as a full colonel in 1901.

Franklin D Roosevelt once tried to sneak his German shepherd, Benito, into a New York Central coach saying that he was blind and the dog was a service animal. Unfortunately the President was recognized and both he and his dog were thrown off the train. The next day Hitler went into Poland.

Herbert Hoover spent over 40 years trying to decide on what type of dog he should like adopt. He died dog less some ten years later. His widow then went on to acquire 17 dogs from a Maryland shelter and lived with them until her death in 1946. None were named after Calvin Coolidge.

Lyndon Baines Johnson picked up his beagles by the ears, offending uninformed dog lovers throughout the nation. Johnson insisted that the dogs enjoyed the exercise while insisting the victory was “right around the corner” in Southeast Asia. His book “Dog Gymnastics or Diplomatic Shortcomings” was a failure since potential readers could not distinguish between references to Lady Bird and seasonal shedding. When it comes to paper training and doggie treats it all gets lost in the translation.

Richard Nixon applied the classic “How could I be a crook when I have this little dog with me?” Checkers Speech in the 50s, when suspected of illegal behavior while Vice President. Soon after Watergate Nixon had asked to see Checkers, only to be informed that the dog had died in 1964. His retort: “Now they won’t have Checkers to kick around anymore.” Nixon tried hosting other pets such as lizards and turtles but they always bit him.

Jimmy Carter did not have a dog in Georgia because he was afraid it would eat all of his peanuts. When he arrived in Washington in 1976 it was apparent that he had better get a large watchdog if he wanted to survive the next four years in the crime-ridden city. However the real protector of the house was a 25-pound, wide-eyed Persian cat given to Carter by the Shah of Iran in 1978. Sadly the cat drowned while on a trip to the Canal Zone after Carter’s Presidency.

Ronald Regan is said to have preferred horses to dogs. He kept three mutts though named Rin Tin Tin, Lassie and Old Yeller, cleverly commemorating great canine stars in the moving pictures. Nancy wouldn’t let him bring the dogs when he was riding or the horses when he walked the dogs because she was concerned he would confuse the two species. The Great Communicator never got around to training his charges and they wandered the Executive Mansion aimlessly looking for bit parts.

Bill Clinton could never find the perfect companion, one that that played the sax and smoked cigars. Too busy being President to have a dog around. Got a pooch for Chelsea but the White House gardener was plagued with walking the mutt, since Chelsea was too busy trying to get into Stanford. When Bill did succeed in finding the right dog it peed on the floor and he took it back.

George H. Bush. Is Millie really an appropriate name for the dog of the leader of the Free World?

Barack Obama and his family have a two Portuguese Water Dogs named Bo and Sunny. Many in the Republican House continue to insist that Bo is a Muslim-socialist and has no birth certificate, although country of origin has been documented. The fact that the second dog, Sunny, is of the same exotic breed, they say, is further indication of Emperor Obama’s arrogance. FOX news inaccurately reported that the pet attacked the mailman when in fact it bit Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell in the same afternoon, much to the delight of Malia and Sasha, the President’s daughters.