Utilities Accepting Livestock, Canned Goods

(Pea Green) In what is seen as a gesture of cooperation local utility companies will begin accepting alternative methods of payment for services rendered. Starting in November Delta-Montrose Electric, San Miguel Power and Gunnison Rural Electric will credit consumers who bring chickens, pigs or canned peaches to the front door. In December it will be eggs, calves and canned tomatoes that will be ledger compatible instead of hard cash.
The action comes as a result of lingering payment histories, fiscal incompetence and creative excuses for non-payment of energy bills.
In keeping with Script’s Manual of Commodities and Convivial Records the three utility concerns have adopted a uniform cash value for agricultural products when bartered. This official exchange rate will most certainly be extended to include automobiles and household items in the near future.
The rendering value of common livestock shall be as follows:
One lamb = 900 to 1250 kilowatts of usage; one small pony = 1300 to 1650 kilowatts of use; One calf = 1700 to 2100 kilowatts and one baby chick (must be crated and housetrained = 14 kilowatts. Ducklings, geese, fish and sage hens are worth slightly more. These and other credit items will be assessed on their own merit. For a complete roster of accepted items and applicable credit see form below or call your utility company directly and ask about the Cows for Kilowatts Entitlement Program.
“Persons wishing to pay exchange canned foods for energy credits must show detailed history of same from seed to can,” said Wayne B. Wayne, of the United States Consumer Fraud Division. “Wild animals may be used but must be cleared through the Division of Chaos or the Office of Coming Anarchy three working days before negotiation can begin.”
Small, dysfunctional amenities will be immediately sacrificed to Paradox, the Greek god of Talking Wires and Cyber Optics. Marmots, fur-bearing armadillos, toothless chinchillas and hyperactive salmon will be considered with approval of parent of guardian. No bunnies will be harmed, especially in front of the children.
Your friends at the local utility companies hope that these changes will help some of you come across with your monthly payments. Those who do not have access to livestock may be allowed to trade beadwork or take in laundry to cover at least part of these expenses.
– Warren Weatherspoon