All Entries Tagged With: "Gunnison"

Satan defends policies in Gehenna

(The Nether Regions) Lucifer bolstered longstanding policies during the Annual State of the Abyss address but promised to look into surging complaints about freedom and living conditions.

Saying he fully endorsed the round-the-clock hip-hop blasting practices in the old folks sector “efforts were being made to introduce bad country music to the already flame-fanning menu. He then expressed concern that security leaks were becoming an issue and thanked those who had turned in their neighbors for violations or suspected espionage.

“Come Hell or high water spies from upstairs will not crack us,” he squealed from deep down in a high-pitched, shrill, unnerving pitch common to animals at the slaughterhouse.

In closing, Beelzebub told ‘guests” that the new billionaires wing almost completed and should be up and running in time for what he called The Gilded- Guillotine Age. He did not elaborate.

“Guests” in Hades most often complain of treatment by fallen angels, burnt food, no air-conditioning or fans and the cost of a bag of ice at the company store. Many say the only decent things to eat are apples but snakes guard them.

Hell’s half acre

Meanwhile in the capital city of Annwn, town tormenters have adopted Lucifer’s odd priorities. Today more than 400,000 forced laborers engaged in serious snow removal, industrial lawn watering and flood relief operations all over Hell’s Half Acre and back to their stinking shanties. Then they did it all over again.

Tartarus has come under international scrutiny of late due to the absence a viable policy on global warming.

“Hell’s bells, whispered a now calming red Devil, “this Inferno will not be pressured into any course of action by these humans, many of whom we will get to know quite well in the future.”

Reference: The All-Joking, All-Drunken Synod of Fools and Jesters

Checkpoints for Migrating Neanderthals Slated

(Montrose) Local police and Highway Patrol will begin conducting surveillance on yet another alien species this fall. Undisclosed, secret barriers, aimed at catching humans with high Neanderthal DNA, will grace major intersections, state crossings and even some international borders. Many humans retain higher levels of this recessive DNA and have been deemed a threat to the Republic. The legal limit is 0.12%.

Police hope that they can round up all these crossbreeds before they cause problems.

“We think many are terrorists or potentially disruptive forces since they claim allegiance to no particular country,” said one monitoring officer. “No, they aren’t from other planets or even Cro-Magnon in appearance, but they are different from us and that sends up a red flag in my department.”

When humans first migrated out of Africa to Eurasia 60,000 years ago they met their cousins the Neanderthals as well as Denisovans and interbred. The descendants of these often one night stand liaisons make up a majority of the human race. Now that Neanderthal man is thought to be completely extinct, scientists have attempted to isolate the carry-over gene and determine how much Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon has survived the centuries.

Already some 400 citizens have been detained due to high incidence of traits and characteristics common to our predecessors. Charges, if any, are pending.

Researchers have determined that there may be as many as 8 distinct hominid species currently roaming the earth. These groups exhibit varied intelligence quotients and abilities to function within the system. Since all of these creatures resemble each other, it is difficult to pinpoint what are often major distinctions.

“These discoveries go a long way toward explaining versatility and pecking orders,” said one scientist, “but fall short of offering solutions in the case of our more disadvantaged brothers and sisters.”

Persons detained and indicted could lose migratory privileges, pay large fines and face mandatory attendance at prescribed anthropology classes. Most are looking at a few days in jail to boot.

Dr. Pill in what he jokingly calls his Before and After portrait which hangs in his Colona office. Recent Neanderthal digs in the region have cast positive light on a man who gained international prominence by substantiating evidence that most dinosaurs were ass holes back in 1993.

A local archeologist, known only as Doctor Pill, says his research indicates that this entire approach is highly illogical since it is very likely that the wrong species may have survived.

“Neanderthals had bigger brains and were far more formidable than Homo Sapiens yet disappeared some 40,000 years ago, said Dr Pill, who recently unearthed a massive Neanderthal graveyard under the Super Wal-Mart on South Townsend Avenue.

“Maybe, had they outmaneuvered the other tribal entities, these Neanderthals would have done a better job taking care of their native planet and policing the place. After all they were never exposed to Puritanism and the constant waves of guilt that followed,” said the scientist.

Peaceful Morning in the Andes

Life is sweet at 8000 feet. Beautiful country above Jardin, Antioquia in the Andes. At peace – wishing the world the same.

Colombian town reopens carefully

Speed and siestas are still in vogue in this delightful Antioquian village. The experiment: El Jardin is in the process of opening back up after more than two months of strict lockdown. Leaders here say they will keep a close watch on the health of residents and decide on which way to go with the tourist industry.

WHAT IF THE MILK TRUCK HAD WON?

While rummaging through negative archives the other afternoon we came upon the following article in the Munchener Post  January 26, 1920:

Decorated World War I Veteran Miraculously Survives Head-On with Milk Truck

(Munich, Germany) An Austrian man, Adolph Hitler, 31, miraculously survived a head-on collision with a speeding ice cream truck on Bundesautebahn-Arbeitsschlacht  Street in downtown Munich this afternoon.

Herr Hitler, who was on foot at the time of the accident, was taken to a local hospital and released within the hour with a mild headache.

The driver of the milk truck was uninjured and cited for reckless driving and attempted genocide.

Bystanders agreed that it was astonishing for a human to survive such a blow. “He should have been killed,” said one woman.

“Astonishing!” said another, according to the Wienermarct Journal, reporting the incident from Vienna.

VENUS SAYS ASTRONAUTS REACHED OUT INAPPROPRIATELY

(Pluto) Venus says she was indecently touched by astronauts “reaching out” back in 1997. In what she now calls the Estrella Inquisition, Venus claims to have been relaxing on her porch when two men from another galaxy joined her and began to close in with affectionate gestures. Being a proper woman she decided to flee into a safe corner of the Universe.

Why she waited all his time to come forward was not discussed at the time the law suit was filed. Lawyers for Venus say it was a clear case of sexual harassment back then and sexual assault by today’s measuring stick.

Despite the fact that the crime occurred long before the statute of limitations they say they will bring the matter before a court of law “due to the grievance and potential explosive reactions by civil rights groups and Greek and Roman gods”.

A spokesman for the Brotherhood of Space Wanderers told reporters the accusations were ridiculous and that Venus is just trying to blackmail his group and NASA as well.

“What can you expect from a woman who poses in her birthday suit on a scallop shell?” he asked.

Meanwhile Venus remains out of the public view as she has for centuries. Her lawyers did not return our phone calls Friday.

– Tommy Middlefinger