All Entries Tagged With: "Gunnison"
Team Hook Up Files Chapter 11, Promises Comeback
Principles may have left town last night says sheriff
Colona had quickly become the computer-dating hub of the Rockies…then the pandemic ended it all. Since local courting helper, Team Hook-Up relied on personal contact evaluation and not virtual romance business dried up when close up encounters became a no-no.
The industry had hurled itself on an unsuspecting public back in the fifties disguised as payola radio and seedy, traveling game shows. After a three-decade spree the dating scene had generated an estimated 4.2 billion dollars in revenue and real estate.
That money has since disappeared leaving consumers wondering whom, if anyone, to trust. The cash was liquidated over time while the real estate was buried out in someone’s yard or some such arrangement.
Nonetheless boards were coming off the windows on Hotchkiss Avenue the morning and Team Hook-Up associates were making their way to their hermetically sealed cubicles with fine mist disinfectant spray receptacles, foot fumigation floor mats and assorted weak alliteration. They were hoping for their paychecks.
“A brand new virtual dating site should be up by next weekend,” read an ad in The Wildcat Creek Fur Ball, a local weekly covering the wool market and the town’s business news, peppered with naughty gossip from up on Log Hill.
It reports that county investors were burned when the most recent operators left town with bailout cash and personal stats on over 3 million anxious romantics.
“Local participants can continue the “semi-interrupted service” via letter writing, crusising the second-hand stores and hanging out in front of Montrose Wal-Mart. “Church is still a damn good place to meet other singles.” counseled the paper.
-Fred Zeppelin
Additions to the Fear List (continued)
The updated roster of things to be afraid of compliments of
your federal government and trusted institutions.
611. Identity theft
612. Terrorists
613. High cholesterol
614. The Devil
615. Serious hot dog consumption
616. Corona19 Virus
617. Monster Hornets
618. Government buildings
619. Black men driving around in cars at night
620. Erectile dysfunction
621. Illegal aliens
622. Terrorists (domestic)
623. Terrorists with their dogs off the leash
624. Altered fruits and vegetables
265. Second-hand smoke
626. Broken glass
627. Visible panty lines
628. A Black or Woman Democrat in the White House
629. Shiites
670. Low blood sugar
671. Terrorists posing as elected officials
672. Domestic terrorists in open-carry mode
673 Galactic terrorists
674. High altitude tsunamis
675. New age ideas
676. Terrorists disguised as terriers
677. Habeas corpus
678. Those awful environmentalists
679. Bears
670 Politician that tell you how to pray
671 Preachers that tell you how to vote
672 Unexplained viruses
673 Simple-minded domestic terrorists
674 Packs of wolves in your kitchen
675 Liars in positions of power
676 Media manipulators
Continued on page 41
TERMS USED IN THIS PAPER
compiled by Melvin Toolstoy
The following are words that we found deep inside the bowels of the dictionary. Although we have never seen or heard of these terms before yesterday we have crammed them into our vocabulary in an attempt to impress our many literate readers. We have worn out many more common words and have chosen to remain poly-lingual and multi-dimensional in our quest for morality in semantics.
beray – to make foul, to soil.
tinchel – a ring formed by hunters to trap deer.
onomatophobia – the fear of hearing a certain word.
gyascutus – a huge, imaginary, four-legged beast with legs on one side longer than the other, enabling it to walk on steep hillsides (U.S.).
boobook – the Australian morepork.
ophiomancy – fortune telling with snakes.
halfpace – 1.) a platform with stairs used for thrones or altars. 2.) a staircase landing or broad step between two half-flights going in different directions.
aissaoua – a sect of Moroccan dervishes.
syngenesphobia – the fear or dislike of relatives.
ophthalmophobia – the fear of being stared at.
rounceval – large or strong (from the huge bones found at Roncevalles, France). 1.) anything huge. 2.) a bad-mouthed old woman. 3.) the marrowfat pea.
uxorodespotism – wifely tyranny.
ruelle – 1.) a select social gathering (from the French custom of entertaining special friends in one’s bedroom). 2.) the bedroom 3.) the space between the bed and the wall.
Red Mountain Pass to go under the knife this fall
(Ouray) Due to chronic spatial problems that prevent further widening of Highway 550, Red Mountain Pass will undergo geologic liposculpture next month. The experimental procedure, called appropriately enough, cutting edge surgery, will begin with a trimming away of rock fat and rounding out of the topography.
“Our efforts may well succeed in giving us more room to expand the falling away pavement and present the terrain with a slimmer figure,” said one highway engineer.
The lack of space at some strategic points has been a problem for decades since the footage between cliffs and drop-offs is barely wide enough for two vehicles to pass safely. Attempts at carving away at existing rock formations and shoring up eroding edges have resulted in temporary fixes.
“One of the most beautiful drives in the country could be even more enjoyable with a little more space,” said the source. “It’s a whole lot more than moving a few mountains around,” he said. “We have to respect the nature a gravity and the confines of physical laws.”
The surgery, which will be performed by lasers and arthroscopic maneuvers, will be conducted at night so as not to interfere with daytime traffic flow.
“Our main focus now is Riverside and the high country above Chattanooga. Many stretches of the pass are fine right now and will have to wait for seasonal grooming. We’re keeping an eye on them too as winter approaches.”
-Gabby Haze
SNEAKY SQUID SCARES SOAKERS
(Ridgway) The giant black squid that frightened bathers at Orvis Hot Springs in late February has been captured. The squid, probably from the West End, first appeared after the holidays and, although it was not particularly aggressive, was a cause for concern according to Ernest T. Trucha, night manager of Orvis Hot Springs.
“The marine mollusk is generally found in salt water off the coast of Nova Scotia this time of the year,” said Trucha, a former herring angler with a doctorate or two from Cal Amari Community College. “What he was doing here is anyone’s guess. Fortunately our clientele is not put off by minor distractions like this.”
The local sheriff’s department apprehended the squid just yesterday, saying it is not uncommon for sea animals to seek the waters of hot springs to survive climate change and cold summer weather. Readers will recall the Gumbo Conspiracy at the Ouray Hot Springs Pool in 1996 followed by the extended presence of lobster tails at the Wiesbaden resort the following summer.
“In the future we may see pools designed for species other than human,” laughed Trucha. “As it is we’re pushing the limit.”
The spindle-shaped squid will be housed in the bass tank at Ridgway Hardware until it can be released into the Ridgway Reservoir in August.
– Small Mouth Bess
Ability to pitch and putt linked to diet and happiness
(Cedaredge) Success at the often dreaded short game separates golfers and dictates handicaps more than long drives and powerful second shots off fairway woods say sports doctors across the country. Finesse with short irons and a sure-handed putter translate into lower scores more than 80% of the time.
In short, while it’s fun to blast one off the tee, patience and control around the green is the secret to playing under par. And it’s all linked to what one eats and the level of enjoyment that he maintains.
In addition life expectancy is higher for people who play golf for fun not for scores. Players out on the fairway who don’t take the whole challenge too seriously enjoy a natural high while benefitting from fresh air and good exercise. As one of my uncles advised me:
“Look in the middle of the fairway where you want your ball to have landed, and not in the rough or the lake where it most likely lies. Maybe you’ll get lucky and find another ball.” – Michael O’Healy, vagabond esq.
In the Rockies you are likely to see deer and elk grazing on the fine green grass but I’ve seen more mountain lions up close than I need. Bear don’t generally give a damn if you are there or not. Coyotes will run if you pull out a six iron. If local ducks make a racket when you go into your backswing don’t take it personally. They may not be laughing at you at all.
Be happy you’re not living in intolerant times: Puritans Banned Golf in 1648 because it was a foolish waste of time. It is silly, they asserted, and causes anxiety and the use of profanity in many cases. Golfers are known to dress funny and not in keeping with the modest fashions of a God-fearing gentleman*. The sport often causes light bouts of alcohol abuse.
Remember the 90-year-old local man hit in the forehead with a well-struck golf ball last year. Soon after he gave away all his money to the Marmot Protection League. Well. we are proud to report that he’s still belting the ball at 91 and appears happier than ever. Sadly, when he’s not on the course he spends his days drys burning irrigation ditches in 35 mph wind. He has been blamed for 6 range fires since April 20.
And if you think that’s whacked out: Play golf right from your car! The Links at Mogadishu DRIVE-IN. We’re open 7 days!
