All Entries Tagged With: "Gunnison"

The Good Old Days For Some

I heard a man in Ridgway talking about the good old days and how he wished we could go back to living that way. After his short sermon on the subject another man reminded him about the institutional inequality practiced against women, Blacks and Latinos prevalent in those years.  The exchange cried out for a clear picture that neither of the men could produce since both were born 40 years ago and had never experienced “knowing one’s place”, “colored only” drinking fountains or the belief that all of Latin America was like Tijuana.

It was pretty good duty if you’re a white male in America in the Fifties and Sixties. And now they’re asking you to show a little remorse because some Black people have been treated like shit for 400 years? C’mon.

The conversation grew heated but finally embraced comic relief with reference to Andy of Mayberry and how Sheriff Taylor might have reacted to these recent murders or even how he or Barney Fife would have handled such an incident.

Jim Crow Laws were alive and well in beautiful Mayberry. Gomer was white, Guber was white, Aunt Bea and Opie were white. Even Floyd the Barber (no reaction to George Floyd) was white. At the time that was how things on TV were presented. One never saw a Black person on the street in Mayberry that I can remember. It can be easily argued that if A Black person was about he would be chaperoned by a slew of stereotypes. Nice and white.

Would the North Carolina National Guard have been called if the Blacks rioted or would the good citizens of nearby Mount Pilot have come to the rescue and helped neutralize the perpetrators. Would there have been lynchings?

George Floyd is not a hero. It muddies the issues. Cops are supposed to act like protectors not as racist thugs. Look to your own community. Do you have law enforcers or peace officers? How do you feel about the militarization of the cops over the last two decades?

There is really no crystal clear black and white when it comes to most topics yet impregnable opinions are usually formed in that half-light.

If we plan to survive as a society a level playing field is needed for all from birth to death. That is not what is happening. Right now some vital questions just do not have viable answers.

Newswriting Contest #611

You think it’s easy writing this crap?

We’ve already written several stunning headlines.

Now all you have to do is write the accompanying stories.

Choose at least four headlines and write a short news story for each:

Missing woman found in backyard, escapes to front porch. Police baffled (subhead).

Dogs take matters into own paws. Angry over leash laws and kowtowing.

Local man discovered at other end of the broom

Many in Arizona frightened of cactus

Colorado Springs forges ahead with laundromat-library concept

Nuggets may return to short shorts before long

Colona Open puts pressure on closed services

Venison chewing gum approved by FDA

Silverton man nabbed in Eureka spy triangle

Your news accounts must avoid capitalizing on cheap jingles, misdirected sayings,

puffed up warnings, wives’ tales, and bothersome superstitions.

First Prize:

Win free tuition Famous Newspaper Writing School: ($250,000 value)

with unbelievable giveaway of Superior Lesson (for example):

Composing your own funny obituary

& How to safely interview breakfast meat

Taliban Buying Pickups

(Silverton) Representatives of the outlawed Taliban will be in town this week purchasing small pickups used in their military operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan. The militant Islamic sect reportedly goes through 200 of these vehicles per month due to military action and general deterioration due to rough roads, harsh climates and driver abuse.

Taliban movements, thought to be limited to South Asia, were neither confirmed nor denied by local authorities. Persons wishing to sell vehicles are advised that this is considered treasonous and that all transactions are cash only.

Many locals here say they figure drones (unmanned missiles) will get most of the trucks once they arrive in Afghanistan.

“I don’t see anything wrong with selling a lemon to these bastards,” said one woman, “besides I need the money for firewood.”

The Taliban are expected in Ouray on Friday and in Paonia on Saturday unless they are intercepted and blown up by U.S. Coast Guard. A bounty of $500 has been placed on the assembled heads of these desperate assassins who say they snuck into the country on an illegal Barnacle Cruise last week.

“They are especially interested in Nissans and Hondas and they appear willing to deal for parts,” said the source. “They are avoiding larger models such as Explorers, Tahoes, Yukons and Hummers since they associate these large SUVs with Born Agains.”

According to one rather talkative Taliban, dressed in a loud, plaid burka, “Mohammed, or even Jesus would not have driven one of these opulent chariots and neither shall we.”

– Alfalfa Romero

Pandemic sanity in a bottle

We may still be stranded in the Colombian Andes but we’ve made some wonderful friends along the way. The finest rum on the planet keeps everyone pretty mellow. The demanding daily consumption quota for residents of Jardin has been established by official government decree. Rumor has it that number will go up with the discovery of 200 more cases of 8-year-old Ron Caldas hidden under the historic cathedral for a special occasion. (Photo by David Mullings)

This formula proves that masks work in controlling elements of the virus

If some of our countrymen still don’t get the picture take a few moments to show them this. They won’t get it but it might frighten them into wearing protection.

Monarch sponsors gravity seminar

The Tenth Royal Monarch Ski Legion will sponsor a Gravity Seminar on Wednesday, July 8, for people who believe in that sort of thing. The morning presentation is meant to bring attention to the “perils, plights and pitfalls” of summer skiing in dry and paltry conditions while the afternoon sessions will focus on the dangers inherent in falling from heights any time of the year.

“We must educate our following to the as to the risks of injury while skiing during daylight hours and on the hazards of driving around at night, even if you are caucasian,” said Wyreen “Poles” Ackerman, PhD, BFD, LSMFT, the academic credited with coordinating the lectures which are expected to raise more than $50 for charity.

Not to be confused with gravy, gravity is defined as the natural phenomenon of attraction between massive bodies. The use of the word gravity to denote the seriousness of a situation or the solemnity of behavior could certainly be implied according to sources familiar with this kind of thing.

While many have attempted to thwart these physical laws, few have succeeded. The date for the seminar is appropriate in that it is the last day of summer ski season, as we know it. Flat Earth snowboarders will not be admitted until after the baby shower exhibit is retired for lunch. No capes, feathers or oversized umbrellas will be permitted on the grounds during the colloquium.

Next Seminar “How Do Airplanes Stay Up in the Sky?” is slated for August 13. Bring a covered fish. No Irish.