All Entries Tagged With: "food"

Toole To Attempt Pantyhose Crossing of Black Canyon

(Montrose) Enlightened daredevil, Melvin Toole, will once again attempt to traverse the mighty Black Canyon but this time he’ll be employing a lifeline made from pantyhose.

The tightrope of sorts, strung between a western observation point and a well-grounded picnic table on the east side, has been fabricated by the discarded undergarments, most of which were recently liberated from local second-hand shops and the local dump (landfill).

According to aides, it his imperative that the material be strung ultra-tight so as to avoid bowing and dangerous slack spots. A fall from this altitude would spell trouble for the 101 -year-old who once crossed the San Miguel River with an infinitesimal, strap-on beanie turbine windmill hat in 2011.

“That was a close call,” explained Toole, reaching out to us all from his doublewide overlooking the glaciers of Tierra del Fuego. “I didn’t have the proper torque but a tail wind came up and glided me to the other bank. Damn good thing my team had the big girl pantyhose stretched across the park’s cavity notch.”

Later in 1983 Toole successfully negotiated a crash landing onto Pea Green Grange Hall wearing nothing but high-top Gene Taylors and a parachute. Sadly, the ripcord failed at the last minute and the aviator landed in an organic onion field plot just inches from his target.

The Department if the Interior, which has sanctioned the event, will be selling tickets. An assortment of elk cheeses and prairie dog sausage, as well as a glass of sagebrush wine are included with admission price.

This could be the last major jump by Toole but, according to supporters, if he makes it across without incident he may try going back the other direction in 2021.

– Dolores Alegria

Trump claims great grandfather was a famous Confederate general.

Donald Trump’s boast that one of his ancestors was a decorated Confederate general has been playing well south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

The relative he claims must be from his mother’s side, a foggy genetic pool with a severely psychotic and combative DNA running through the bloodline. It’s not easy to trace much less isolate the alleged military man. Wartime deeds were not always recorded properly. Accounts were askew. Documentation was lax. Testimonials were incomplete. Even surnames are difficult to establish after 150 years. Perfect.

Donald Trump’s paternal ancestry is traceable to Bobenheim am Berg, a village in the Palatinate, Germany, in the 18th century. Great-grandfather Johann Trump, born in Bobenheim in 1789, moved to the nearby village of Kallstadt where his grandson, Friedrich Trump, the grandfather of Donald Trump, was born in 1869.

So this “great warrior festooned with a chest of medals,” to quote Trump; this hereditary phantom must have belonged on his mother’s side of the family. Since woman were relegated to domestic duties and childbearing they would most likely not been chronicled efficiently and memorably…Yes, most definitely he must have been talking about his mother’s side.

Given the sordid history of family, the assertion comes as little surprise. But even when applying an ultra-liberal math/generational factor of minus 30 (All becoming parents at 30 years-old, his mother would have been born in 1918 while his grandfather Terrence Kaiser Trump would have hatched in 1888. Employing the same ratio, his great-grandfather, Wilhelm Rolf Trump, would have been born in 1858. Had Wilhelm achieved the rank of general even in the threadbare Confederate Army of 1865* he would have been 7-years-old making him the youngest general on both sides of the American Civil War

“I’m quite astonished that he did not carry this one step further and put himself up there on this fabricated general’s horse,” said Susie Compost, of the Failed Nation. “It all seems quite preposterous kind of like advising people to drink beach to combat the Corona Virus.

When pressed on this issue Trump called on reporters to do their homework and stop trying to discredit him.

– Gabby Haze

*Many Trumpers are either not familiar with what occurred in 1865 or take comfort in the belief that the Civil War is still going on.

Elvis Living on Neptune Says WCU Prof

(Gunnison) The King, Elvis Presley, is alive and well on the planet Neptune according to a Western Colorado University professor who has been collecting evidence on the entertainer since his death in 1977.

Citing planetary sway and unmistakable sounds originating on Neptune, Professor Leroy Tinkleholland, head of the Department of Astronomy and Sports Medicine, contends that Elvis is living there.

“The planet is even developing a gravitational sneer much like the one popular with Elvis fans for decades,” he said. “Lately we’ve begun to see the initial plans for the filming of a bad Presley movie there and many younger Neptunians have begun dressing and acting like Elvis.”

Tinkleholland, speaking at the weekly Alien Night, hosted by the Alamo Bar, says Presley first visited Neptune to undergo therapy for drug addiction in the early Seventies. After falling from grace with fans later that decade he returned to rehab and has been there ever since. He offers no further proof of his curious summations.

Sources close to the professor remind readers that Tinkleholland is the standing expert of extraterrestrial doings in the Gunnison Valley. Research conducted since the Sixties has been held up as all but conclusive proof that space travelers were first drawn to this part of the world by the presence of rodeos and the cowboy culture.

“They (aliens) love to dress up like drugstore cowboys often showing up in ten-gallon hats and long-rider coats even in summer,” said Gary “Buck” Rogers, former publisher and fan of the professor’s work.

“I’ve never seen one of these space cowboys ride a bull. They swallow their chew, can’t rope worth a hoot and appear frightened of horses but they’re still hanging around the old corral. Look over there, in the corner…See that fellow in the Stetson and Tony Lamas. He’s not from around here.”

– Suzie Compost

Is Putin Jealous of Trump’s Hair?

(Moscow) Opponents of Vladimir Putin say the Russian demigod has a host of obsessive disorders noting that a newly surfaced malady is focused on Donald Trump’s hair.

Vlad Envy (Hooy morzhovy in Muscovite slang) a severe mania hair and fur fetish, has been entrenched in Russian culture since the days of Vladimir I. Due in part to the cold weather and access to large beasts the importance of hair has emerged in both literature and cuisine to which anyone who has ever read Dostoevsky’s The Idiot or been force-fed leftover borscht can attest.

For years the Russian people have been led to believe that the US President is wearing a toupee or some sort of wig. Now it all appears to have been a cover-up and attempt to distract from the level of jealousy that has now been exposed on the international stage.

“Just look at the two of them together and the expression on Putin’s face when Trump combs or brushes back his long orange hair,” said Fyodor Toolstoy, a Putin critic who has not been seen since the story broke Tuesday.

“A state of jealousy exists between our two countries, both with nuclear arsenals and the ability to deliver weapons of mass destruction,” said a Bolshevik Weekend, a party organ that spotlights fashion and hygiene and generally refrains from sojourns into the political arena.

“If this fixation is true why doesn’t Putin just go out and buy a wig,” said Nikolai Sonovavitch, a former St. Petersburg councilman. “With all his shady investments bankrolled by the people he certainly has the money. He could choose between red and red…anything but orange.”

Sonovavitch was noticeably absent from his daily devotional Mass this morning at Saint Okroshka Cathedral. Friends and family have asked for assistance in determining his present status and location.

Meanwhile Russian political analysts contend that this hair thing was cooked up by the CIA to embarrass Putin who, as most know, could not afford a haircut as a child.

“He has been quite transparent of late on matters concerning civility and etiquette,” said a popular talk show host on Radio Razvaluha, a pro-Putin station. “He has his own hair and  most importantly a head to go with it.”

-Anastasia Sebastopol

Are you going to spend eternity in Hell ? Take our aptitude test

Our team down in Hell is reaching out to you…

Choose the one that doesn’t fit?

a. Jesus came back to the US all right, but he got deported.

b. Jesus was homeless in his thirties

c. Jesus will be back later today or tomorrow, or maybe next week.

d Jesus is not going anywhere. Why would he?

On what level 1- 10 to you agree with the following?

a. People on Federal Assistance are communists.

b. God does not love Iranians or Yankees

c. Hell isn’t so bad as long as you have en suite.

d. It’s OK to hate people of color just so long as you love Jesus

Who do you look toward for spiritual guidance on earth?

a. My stock broker

b My personal trainer

c the garbage man

d. the guys and gals in produce..

If you were called down to hell today what would you want to bring with you?

a. my electric fan and Jared Kushner

b. my bronco tickets and Jared Kushner

c. a sack of tacos and Jared Kushner

d. comfortable shoes and Jared Kushner

Where did you first hear of Hell?

a. on the golf course

b. my preacher

c. a fallen angel told me

d. ads on CNN

Why do you think you should be spared from eternal damnation?

a. Because I have always had nice teeth

b. because I cannot tolerate running short of ice cubes

c. because I haven’t finished my last bottle of single malt

d. because I am wealthy

Choose your biggest fear.

a. a meteor will hit my TV antenna

b I will have to walk more than 400 feet in one “outing”

c Wal-Mart will be closed forever when I get there

d. my children will turn out like me

Relay your fondest moment on earth

a. the day I figured out that hot dogs won’t kill me, right away

b. buying discount ammo

c. when I found out how to operate a drone while asleep

d. the day my cat returned, after a 12-year absence.

Hell originated due to

a. an accident on I-25

b. the need for a place without social distancing

c. overcrowding in the Congress

d some old fart inattentively burning ditches in the spring wind

Which of the following best describes your take on Satan and his agenda?

a. I don’t think he cares about the poor or the forgotten all that much.

b. He couch surfs the mega churches.

c. Everyone knows he’s a great shortstop but can’t hit the curve

d. Does he have golf courses and live in a white mansion just a quick step away from oblivion?

Describe the topography and weather in hell

a. flat, hot, windy

b. asphalt walls and ceilings, cool nights

c. simultaneous flooding, drought and pro wrestling upstairs

d. everything is uphill, high humidity, no trees, rats

Who else do you think is already in hell?

a. Hitler and Stalin

b The Conquistadors, the Pharisees, John Chivington and Andrew Jackson

c Marie Antoinette and Louis XIV, along with Napoleon.

d. Your Uncle Bob from Grand Junction

Which of the following are major concerns to both the proprietors and residents of hell?

a The Second Amendment

b flies

c global warming

d eating a healthy breakfast

More next week

FDA secretly tested flour tortillas in face of medical mask shortages

(San Andreas, CA) The United States Food and Drug Administration today revealed that it has been clandestinely testing flour tortillas as substitute medical masks in light of shortages in hospitals and on the street in 2020. The announcement, although a surprise to some, was quickly digested by most in that the concept is quite simple.

The unheated tortillas have elastic properties that, although limited, can be arranged to fit most faces tightly and securely. When the tortilla/mask is applied properly it will cover most mouth and nasal areas of the face with room to spare. Larger faces will need the family style version of the popular flatbread while smaller faces and children can get by with the casita style, which is smaller.

Researchers acknowledged that some flour particles stick to the wearer’s mug but that the pancakes breath nicely and emit a pleasant aroma even when worn for hours. People with beards did not like them nor did those with small chins

Consumers have been cautioned against using sopaipillas or arepas since they are not airtight. Likewise corn tortillas are ineffective since they are more brittle and do not mold to the lower cheeks or jowls.

Reaction to this potential use for tortillas has created a stir in some Hispanic communities but little hoarding has occurred.

“Those gringo tortillas that you buy at the grocery are not the real things anyway,” said Hectora Simon Ramone, a professor of food science at Cal Polygamy here in the California desert. “The real ones are homemade by the campesinos and their family recipes are not shared with government agencies.”

In addition the FDA further suggests that taco shells, artisan breads, egg roll wrappers, kabob rolls, pita bread and vegetarian wraps do not work well due again to inconsistencies in the makeup and distinct ethnic flairs.

When asked about other pantry items that might ease palpable shortages of ventilators available from the federal government a FDA source said, “That’s not our department. Call your governor.”

– Pepper Salte, Food Editor