All Entries Tagged With: "Crested Butte"
TEXAS BIGGER THAN ALASKA – WCSU GEOGRAPHY DEPT.
Composted by Western Colorado State University Snooze Services
The state of Texas is about three hundred yards larger than the state of Alaska according to a study completed by the Western Geography Department in 2018. The findings, which conflict with a long held belief to the contrary, surfaced after extensive study in the area of shoreline erosion and ice pack statistics. The news was received with great jubilation in the Lone Star State while response in Alaska was less than enthusiastic.
“We think that it’s about time someone corrected these misinterpretations of natural law,” said a source in downtown Boyd (Texas). “For years we have suffered irreparable psychological and emotional damage by having to live with this cruel lie.”
From Juneau one legislator spat, “What do these kids know anyway! Most of them couldn’t find their way to Denver on a clear day.”
A leading news source up north, The Juneau What, echoed these sentiments, warning that Alaska has far more bear than any state and “knows how to use them”.
“The animals that have been encouraged to eat Texans will now see expanded menu items that include tourists from Western Colorado this summer. How these bruins have survived on berries is a miracle in itself but they too must get their protein,” said Jeff Brown, of the prestigious Cal Polygamy Cartoon Clinic, on loan to the What.
In addition to these stark findings, the geography department has determined that the Pacific Ocean is far wetter than the Atlantic and that, of all the locales in North America, the topographic realities of the city of Grand Junction most resemble the lunar surface.
A source within the geography department told The Horseshoe that his colleagues would stand fast on the findings no matter how controversial this whole sideshow becomes.
“We were as surprised as anyone when these facts emerged,” she said, “and pleased with all the donations earmarked for further study that have been arriving from Texas since the weekend.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Mother Nature Completes Anger Management Classes
(Delta) A clearly relaxed Mother Nature has successfully completed court-ordered anger management classes here in record time leading even cynics to believe she has calmed down. The last few years have seen hurricanes, drought and polar melt occurring at unprecedented rates leading to the mandatory sentence.
“We can’t tell if she has been rehabilitated or if she is just putting on a show,” said one emotions counselor who says he enjoys thunderstorms.
Although on unsupervised parole, for the next two years Mother Nature will be granted full mobility and access to former associates the wind and rain.
“It’s easy to see why she got angry in the first place,” said the counselor. “How would you like it if people trashed your yard?”
Authorities are taking a wait and see approach to further legal action against the former defendant.
“It dawned on him that they were living spirits, their roots buried in the dark earth, they soaked up the energy of the sun and the essence of the moon, moistened by the rain and dew, they understood the ways of the heavens and the logic of the earth. The color of the sorghum suggested that the sun had already turned the obscure horizon a pathetic red.”
– Father in Red Sorghum by Mo Yan.
Cartoons Mutiny at Colorado POX
(Spoontowne) Leading cartoon activists will take over reporting responsibilities at POX News as of March according to Rupert Murdoch, billionaire owner of the network.
The gradual change, slated for summer, snowballed in December and the fallout hit the screen in February with the now much publicized on-air mutiny. POX is concerned that it is embracing reliability in content as well as telling both sides of a story, according to an industry spokesperson.
“These adherences to professionalism and fleeting journalism have put our entertainment badge at risk,” said the source. “Entertainment has always been the flagship here with lots of editorials replacing the news.”
POX figures cartoons can read the daily stories as well as humans at half the price tag. News casts have already taken on a different light with the heralded replacement of Sean Hannity with Plucky Duck and Tucker Carlson with America’s favorite blue-hair: Marge Simpson, who will act as anchor on what continues to look like a sinking ship.
All POX, CNN, MSNBC and even PBS talking heads will continue to wear liar’s collars while on the air to insure that the American people are getting at least a scoop of the real poop.
“One cannot build a solid ship or any structure to last when it’s built on a foundation of lies and misinformation,” continued our media spokesperson. “This is not conjecture. These people are pretenders and frauds.”
Imagine tuning in for a news program with duel anchors Bill Hemmer and Louise Becker from Bob’s Burgers. Maybe Peppa Pig and the Incredible Crash Dummies could do the weather. Stewie Griffin, the baby from The Family Guy might do well chipping in with updates on former demigods and spoiled children.
That leaves Shaun the Sheep to formulate policy applicable to all local POX stations.
At present only a few ex-broadcasters have applied for the Unilateral Liars’ Amnesty that retroacts back to 2014. The possible hang-up is a stipulation that requires them to prove rehabilitation and promise to tell the truth at all times.
– Fred Zeppelin
The author of this piece cannot afford a television and subsequently gathered data and info for this story from Wikipedia, ask.com, answers.com, how.com and by conversing with pre-schoolers.
Interview with a recently discovered poet
Pico Clyde-Sarena, for decades a remote, frazzled voice in the world of supercilious verse, has finally reached the mainstream of world literature. We were fortunate to have been granted this interview with one of the most persistent and provocative figures of our time.
Horseshoe: Why are all of your poems the same length?
Paco: It’s the size of the fecking pad, man. I bought 2000 legal pads in March and I’m already down to six or seven. I start at the top and fill space with my words until I reach the bottom…then I have lunch.
Horseshoe: So it appears you have a rigid daily discipline. Do you write everyday?
Paco: No. I only write on Wednesdays.
Horseshoe: What do you do the rest of the time?
Paco: I make plum wine. Then, three weeks later, I drink it
Horseshoe: That’s quite a combination…poems and bodegas! Do you see a metaphor here?
Paco: I see a lot more metaphors after the wine has matured. Barbie dolls on the in the roux burned like a bat-winged banter master spouting crude recollections. False prophet…False sinner, worse yet. Spoken flowers are only as good as the lover who catches the poem petal. Most miss it surely as it drifts to the ground.
Horseshoe: Wow! That’s hot. What time of the day do you prefer to write?
Paco: Right out of bed works the best. I like to smoke Nicaraguan puros while I mainline Paraguayan mate’ and scramble my oatmeal. That’s when my head is clear and my passion ignited. Some of my favorite works, however have been penned on my way to bed when my head is swirling and my dreams linger.
Horseshoe: Heavy.
Paco: No actually quite light. It’s important for an artist to give himself plenty of leisure time. That way the words flow without the distractions of the mundane.
Horseshoe: Your words are incredible and we see that you are bi-lingual as well. If I may quote from a recent work:
Las estrellas del Sur habla
a me en la noche linda .
Dicen mi nombre, su nombre bella
su nombre bella, su nombre bella.
Su alma, su corizon, su cuelo rico.
Chow dudes. Viva pax.
What do these words mean to you?
Paco: I don’t have any idea. I don’t speak a lick of Spanish.
Horseshoe: It’s kind of like telepathy, no?
Paco: Yeah sure. I can write 700 poems in one day if I drop all pretense and quality control. Most people are afraid of poetry anyway so very few get passed the first line or two. As a beautiful woman once told me: “It’s bad poetry, Paco…but keep slinging it. Sooner or later you’re bound to rhyme something.”
Horseshoe: I see you drive a 1947 Bedford Paddy Wagon. That must have cost a pretty penny.
Paco: It was a gift from one of my lovers.
Horseshoe: do beautiful women like it says in the introduction to Bruin Conspiracies besiege you? Do you read to them all?
Paco: I can’t read. To quote the late Warren Zevon: Poor, poor pitiful me…poor, poor pitiful me…the young girls won’t let me be…poor, poor pitiful me. I wish I’d written those lines, yeah boy.
Horseshoe: Have you any advice for budding poets?
Paco: Write with crayons, that way if you get hungry you’ll have plenty to eat. Just go on a tear and hope nobody reads the stuff…It’s all perception of reality anyway. If it barks like a bird and whinnies like an ostrich then I’d suggest staying far away during mating season.
Paco will be appearing at Vegetable Buddies Bar and Grill in Manana
for a book signing and wine making symposium on May 32 unless it rains.
Illegal juniper plants net bust
(Gunnison) A Western Colorado State University student was arrested this morning and charged with growing juniper plants in his basement apartment at an undisclosed location. Local police units say they raided the premises based on an anonymous tip. Soon after arrival they confiscated over 400 plants with an estimated street value of $100,000 in unprocessed and illegal and untaxed gin.
When contacted, attorneys for the man whose name has not been disclosed either, say they were not aware that the cultivation of juniper bushes was against the law in Colorado
“Sure a bi-product of the juniper is gin but at this stage the authorities will have to prove intent to distill and distribute. Our client does not have any of the apparatus associated with distilling or bottling the final product. He had five empty bottles in his entire house that were confiscated during the raid.
Meanwhile the suspect is being held at the local jail awaiting a preliminary hearing on Friday. The plants, which were uprooted at the scene, will be given to a local nursing home for replanting.
-Paula Pervenue
“Think it’ll rain?” – really bad pickup line in Sechura Desert near Piura, Peru.
CUT BAIT HOROSCOPE
Are you in need of constant cosmic reassurance? Do you dial psychic lines in the privacy of your own home? Do you actually believe that some other mortal can tell you what is best for you after shuffling a few decks of cards, reading tarots or throwing tobacco leaves up into the air? You probably vote every November too, don’t you. Instead, try perusing the following collection of stargazer hypocrisy. It makes as much sense as all the other crap and it’s free, which is just slightly more than it’s worth.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Air dirty laundry on the sunny side of the street. Hibernation is socially acceptable just so long as you floss afterwards. Enjoy trash day to the utmost, but don’t linger near the pickup route. Remember: The garbage engineers work on commission and the landfill is not a desired destination. Stay in bed till mid-afternoon and be sure to check the mail for lucrative credit card offers before retiring at sundown. If you must count on other people try not using their fingers to do so. Distinguish between your worst friend and your best enemy. Maybe they are the same person. Maybe it’s you. Try adjusting your blinders. Living in denial is better than living in Florida. A window of opportunity should not be confused with a revolving door. Whittle yourself into a frenzy. Tonight: Swoon with the Moon.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t waste time dwelling on other people’s fantasies. If you insist on playing the part of the victim at least provide your own props. Houseplants may be testy until the wind dies down. Be understanding but don’t take a lot of crap…You control the water can. Opinions may violate existing noise ordinances through the 15th. A helping hand may get caught in the elevator door. Grocery store parking lots are the perfect places to meet prospective lovers. Try produce too. Swinging dentists tend to rattle your gums. Hoard tick-tack replicas of Americana. Avoid long sentences, especially those handed down by the legal system. Where did you get that haircut? At the garden center? Tonight: Get into someone’s pocket..
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
An unexpected career in modeling awaits your exploration. Store negative emotions out in the garage with bad dancers, impromptu suitors, tired petitions and broken-down promises. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating and drinking your limit. Prepare for an exotic sailor with a fish under each arm. Separate fantasy from reality and pretty wine bottles from the rest of your trash. It may take three to Tango but only two for the horizontal two-step. Embrace Flamenco instead. Watch for thorns in the roses, pits in the olives and the worm in the Mescal. Kilts simply won’t do at the beach. Maintain your sense of humor by laughing at others. Sinking ships loosen lips. Tonight: A little more of the right bait can land a bigger fish.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
A waxing moon is not your fault. Evening stars bring darkness. Every cloud has a polyester lining. Speak clearly and distinctly when using other people’s credit cards. If it’s your birthday, you appear to have done at least one thing right. Embrace shallow ideologies but never kiss on the first date. Accentuate reciprocal events. Why languish on the merry-go-round when the roller coaster is departing? Spontaneous combustion is just around the corner. What with the signing of the newest nuclear test ban treaty don’t you think it’s high time to clean your bathroom? Keep your nose to your own grindstone and out of the grindstones of others. Problems on the home front may dictate changing home fronts. Brasil is nice. Bahia never Rio. After a week on the beach even you will stop thinking like an American. Tonight: Pull an ingrown hair for nostalgia.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Your conspicuous left flank is dangerously exposed to a counter attack through the astral ammunition dump. Romance is just around the corner but not within your inner circle. Vacation with strangers. Rusty fiscal wheels are in dire need of rotation. Difficulties finding warm bodies at the ice fishing convention shouldn’t dampen your enthusiasm for afternoon sushi. Become familiar with flirtation devices before jumping into the surf. If you intend to hurl yourself into a project be attentive to the follow-through net. Your dog-without-a-bone mentality is in need of a muzzle. If you were attractive you would be happier. Rain on your parade will be a blessing this summer. Develop eyebrows. Even the most intricate webs net dead flies. Tonight: Showcase bad table manners.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 22)
Jumping to conclusions is far better than jumping off a bridge. When at the grocery be on the lookout for a rich, seductive stranger in the cereal aisle. Don’t be offended by lewd advice or a casual brush back from cartoons on the colorful boxes. Sociopathic tendencies might be a premium in empty Greenland. Move there. If you wish for something too hard you still might not get it. Humans are the only species that blush and subdivide. Spend quality time with your woodpile. Even the feedlot has effective mass transit. Avoid being overly serious about personal hygiene. Listen to your bacteria. Tough decisions await you tomorrow, but hey, it’s still today. Use only root words when fertilizing plants. Tonight: Confirm underlying fears.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
With a recovering economy it may be difficult to sell your pickpocket practice this summer. Thrive on petty jealousy. Don’t take credit card debt personally. Rich peasants remain peasants. You may be nearing a junction pitting your emotions against your intellect. Stay down. It takes far less energy to meditate than to scream. Predictability is an art. Place all bets at the back entrance. Compatibility has always been an issue. While your extensive banana republic wardrobe says, “I’m an adventurer” you really never leave town. Fear of flying won’t pay for that bus ticket. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change. Tonight: Inherited wealth lessens the pain of minimum wage.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Your birthday could be ignored again at the end of the year hat with the Trump indictments. Hire a few apostles to bring your situation to light. It worked for another well-known Capricorn. Too much rum will fog up the looking glass. This reality can be good or bad depending on the sugar cane crop. If you feel out of balance it’s because you are out of balance. Try standing on your head and gaining a new prospective. Avoid Scorpio pets. Too much flag waving may create negative side effects in the elbow region. Symptomology is an art not a science. Keep this and all drooling advice out of the reach of children. Lending a hand could result in the loss of face. Tonight: Tuna salad at twenty paces.
AQUARIUS (January 20 -February 19)
If you insist on fishing for compliments throw away those artificial lures and use heavy test line. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde (one last freeze) tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received and logged. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Try a little understanding even if civil servants fly off the handle even once too often. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Take on challenges one schlep at a time. Screen all fruitcake. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments. Isn’t it about time you get those Christmas cards in the mail? Tonight: Paint the neighbor’s car.
PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Morning insecurities add up to afternoon indecision. Leave plans for future in the future where they belong. Spawning in the wrong circles may be seen as little fishy. Stay clear of frying pans and hush puppies till the winds die down. You are far less attractive than you realize. You may be on a roll but so is the liver pudding. If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution instead. A lion will have a tail to tell but so then does the mouse. Disruptions are not part of life…They are life. Gratitude and reciprocity are spelled differently for a reason. A left-handed approach may result in a right-handed blow to the forehead. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
It is your responsibility to make sure that your love life/relationship/marriage/future does not become slow/agonizing/tedious/mundane. Variety is the answer/key. Tonight why not try apologizing/making up first and fighting later. If a business partner/client is off the wall put him/her/it through the wall at earliest convenience. Use lots of slashes and other odd punctuation throughout the spring. It will either confuse and/or impress. Weekly shopping can be simplified by purchasing/charging by the case at your friendly, local liquor/cordial outlet. In order to relieve the stress/fatigue of the marketplace be sure to stop at your local saloon/tavern before heading back to your home/shelter. Note: Drinking to excess has always been an option. Tonight: Comfortable as second fiddle in a remedial kazoo orchestra.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Someone has spilled gourmet coffee on your star chart. Now your future is decaffeinated. Your creativity is at a high point — Today is perfect for making cookies or bombs in the basement. If fiscal worries have you singing the blues try peddling your version with a country twang. People actually buy that kind of garbage. Remember: The first step to solving any problem is to deny it. Limit other vocal arrangements to the shower. Assert yourself this month: You don’t have to sell the daily special to pets. Let them order directly from the menu if they are so smart. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors cheap, meaningless presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand. Tonight: Embrace a friend who owes you money.
– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Unitologist
