SOVIETS WITHHELD HANGOVER CURE FROM PEOPLE

(Moscow-on-Ice — January 3, 2017)

The KGB and factions of the former Soviet Union allegedly hid an effective cure for the common hangover from the Russian people for some 70 years. The cure, which reputedly involves a prescribed treatment of warm vodka, Tabasco sauce, Georgian peppercorns, vitamin B and liquid oxygen was discovered by Joseph Stalin while on vacation in Yalta in 1945. However, the paranoid leader did not make his findings known and, in fact, did not even share the cure with his best friends and family until he was on his deathbed in 1953.

The disclosure was released Monday as part of a further clean-up in the Kremlin. Current President, Yladimir Putin, has sought to distance himself from these goings-on.

“Mr Putin is too busy murdering his critics and annexing other countries to be bothered with this,” hacked a spokesman fo the Russian leader.

Stalin’s legacy lived on until last year when rumors of a miraculous cure graced the pages of Old Soviet Life, the former Communist Party mouthpiece. The paper did not print the exact recipe for the cure since it was reportedly “misplaced by Boris Yeltsin” in 1991.

“It’s amazing to us,” barked a Putin spokesman in a prepared speech, “that anyone could be so barbaric, so cruel as to withhold perishable data of this magnitude. All this time the Party was screaming about low production and absenteeism on the part of the work force and they may have had easy access to the saving catalyst.

The ancients had a cure for alcohol poisoning, as they called it, and researchers have been doggedly pursuing a cold trail in this regard since the Crusades. Factions of both good and evil have coveted the panacea since the Sumerians first brewed beer in 3000

-Grigori Rasputin Jr.