Snoring Machine Perfected

(Ouray) A solar-powered, alternate current snoring device is ready for the assembly line according to inventor Beth Otis, of Red Mountain Town. The contraption, created from rusty, discarded mining tin, brass pipe, circular fans and dangling tin foil, sports tiny speakers and a heat detection gadget that sets it off when intruders, human or otherwise, approach.

“It sounds exactly like the snoring we discover during Colorado Rockies’ games and monotone political speeches,” said Otis, “with woofers and tweeters pushing compressed oxygen into the pipe caverns and the fans taking it from there.”

The inventor plans to market the product to people who want to keep bears, and other predators away whether out in the woods or at home. The machine requires simple installation. It can be mounted on one’s RV or easily staked into the ground adjacent to a tent.

“Right now our main focus is the audio,” said Otis. “It has to sound authentic or the bears or they won’t be detoured in their marauding. It has to sound like another animal is on the premises.”

Otis told The Horseshoe that the machine will cost approximately $400 which he said is cheap compared to dancing a two-step with a bear.

“One resident up here has his entire deck destroyed by a large sow in search of food. (Her little cub was reportedly munching from a box of Sugar Crisps when authorities arrived). Another man woke up to find his yard furniture and monogrammed pissing cherub fountain completely totaled after an angry bear was denied entry to the kitchen and threw a tantrum,” he explained.

“Quiet people who are confronted with bear while sleeping in a tent could face even more serious consequences,” he said. “We just want to make the night a safer place.”

-Tommy Middlefinger

“Donald Trump is a human algorithm, always ratcheting up antagonism. He’s a personification and exploiter of all the things creating anxiety in people’s lives.”

– Maureen Dowd, New York Times