ROCKY FLATS DEEMED ENVIRONMENTAL SAVIOR

(Golden) In a drastic reversal of long held agendas, leading environmental groups are praising the presence of Rocky Flats. The site, they say, is the only green spot in Jefferson County that has not been plagued with quasi-suburban sprawl.

The former weapons plant, closed on the heels of atomic leaks and legendary cover-ups, had been condemned as an ecological nightmare since the public woke up to the horrors of incompetent nuclear mismanagement sometime around 1970. The nauseating lack of concern for the public good, coupled with lazy security and a peacetime economy brought the closure of the plant in the early 80s.

“Have you ever driven, say, from Boulder to Golden?” asked an opponent of impulse expansion on the Front Range. “Look at the clusters of ticky-tacky walls and ceilings, to borrow from Pete Seeger, that have choked off pasture, light and open space. Watch the joggers sucking in all those auto fumes. They’re getting ahead all right!”

Proponents of the much-heralded Rocky Mountain Museum of Suburban Progress, now under construction, have called the recognition of Rocky Flats a calculated risk. They think the whole approach may fall on its face when plans to build a second international airport on the site are released in February.

“Suburban philosophy produces nothing but malls, branch banks and exit ramps,” said one Mirth First advocate. “The whole mess is a lot like building a monument to bad coffee.”

– Fred Zeppelin