ROCK SOUP

Nora: Watch the seals at play and regain your lost soul – Leopold Bloom.

Tax advice #399: Avoid annoying audits. Send 25% of your taxes due directly to the Pentagon and save penalties and interest too. Since the money is going to end up there anyway, why make us do all the paperwork? We might even lose it in the mail. Your contribution will go toward building even bigger and better weapons which will be used against enemies of freedom as we define it.

Lost: Yardarm from Stevens Power Yacht along with entire starboard side and some rope. Cannot find crew since entering harbor last Friday. Running short of malt and scurvy setting in. House plants doing well. Help. Finbar the Sailor.

Monster Man Kelly will be in Cahone to take on all bare-fisted comers through July 19. Pick up entry form at Disappointment Valley Optimist’s Club. Cash payout daily. No sumo wrestlers.

Foot pads, thieves and dance house loungers must get out of Lake City and stay — otherwise hang. – By order of the Vigilantes, June 2019.

Smile…Thor loves you.

NOTICE: Local black bear are awake. PLEASE do not bother them with your intrusive demands, silly problems and ridiculous questions until they have had their coffee. Follow this simple consideration and everyone involved will have a happier summer. Thank you. DOW.

Suffering from Middle Age Vertigo Syndrome? Dial 4 and ask for Donald Quijote.

Join the OLIVE OF THE MONTH CLUB and receive a new set of olives from all of the Greek islands once a month. Naxos, Paros, Crete and more. Imagine the fun when your olives arrive by mail. It’s almost like being there! Box 30097, Ophir.

Hunters: Beware of the Hides of March! Your local 4-H Club. Do it today.

Digital Cahone, the region’s premier bouzoukia band, will be playing Friday and Saturday at The Tinsel Tavern. Bring a covered fish.

Get the credit you deserve. We don’t care what you’ve been doing to dig that fiscal hole. We’ll make it better. Mr Blue. 800-475-1153.

Red: Work release don’t buy me no prom dress. Kiss off – Kate.

Aerial photos of your enlarged ego. See Mr Habitt, afternoons the Wrinkle Room at the Last Harbor Hotel Annex. No cover.

Needed: Rogue truckers to transport hazardous materials in unmarked trailers through the Rockies while all the little environmentalists are fast asleep. Gov’ment approval pending. Great pay. Apply at the third apple shed adjacent to C Bunker across from the simple block building one mile north of the L-P surfboard plant. You won’t be sorry.

For lease: Cash cows. Herd or intimate discussion groups. Feed extra. Also broken horses and depressive goats. Free oysters to the first 1000 people through our gate! Gelded Fields Ranch, Sapinero.

Recovering realtors needed to man nuclear waste dumps. Points earned go toward legal reprieves and full emancipation someday. Aromatic Effigy Commission.

Found: Truckload of acronyms in front of Gunnison Quart House. Have same stored at Department of Dead Letters. Please advise. Second Floor, No anchovies.

Enjoy Apres Ski! Genuine Salivation Army issue Apex Telemark Meatloaf Conveyor. One odor. Was $6780 now $10 with your KBUT Membership. Many elk designs under the socks. Also, need someone to direct traffic at Society Turn weekdays. Town Console.

Learn the intricacies of Bingo on location in Latin American countries. One month sessions now booked. Richard “Pelota” Ricardo, Havana.

Will the person who called in the bomb threat to the Montrose Wal-Mart please turn himself in. We have you on camera. Do so before June 30 and take 20% off all spring merchandise.

Official combat helmets just like those worn by the Colorado Rockies pitching staff in 2018. Also: Check these specials: Base paths 2/$3; Chewing tobacco $4.99; Arbitration couches and front office supplies 40% off. Utility infielders 1/3 off while they last. Diluted personnel always on sale. Mack the Hack, Mack.

Grow hair where and when you want to. Dial 45. No scalpers.

Bagpiper needed to host Wee People when they come to town for  pint. Duties include keeping little glasses full and keeping little glasses full and keeping little glasses full. Commission only. Liam O’Leary.

Scapegoat milk and cheeses delivered to your bunker daily. Fred Hat Produce.

Remember: July 30 is the final deadline for refunds on the Colorado Unused Firewood Tax Credit. If you were smart you burned all those federal forms to stay warm and should have a stack of wood leftover for lovely October. Call the IRS.

Don’t forget the FREE PERFUME SAMPLE: See Lifestyles at Risk.